2007 Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas!!!!

I am not an idiot.  I do not, despite the opinions of the two small girls who live with me, just “talk to talk”.  I have a lot of damn useful information to impart.  Sadly, however, my wisdom is regularly greeted with snotty sarcasm and rolling eyes from the aforementioned little girls.  So I am going to take advantage of this Christmas Newsletter opportunity to share my learning with a more appreciative audience.  I won’t try to teach you the same lessons I have been trying to teach the girls  I assume that most of you have stopped eating spaghetti with your hands and have learned that throwing a tantrum does not generally win you the argument.  But in the interest of teaching SOMEONE  SOMETHING this year, I have compiled for you a list of valuable lessons I have learned.

Pay attention, and you shall be saved much heartache.

Lesson #1:   Dry-erase ink is more indelible than you might think, and when used inappropriately, does NOT easily wash off of a dog’s private areas.  Despite my best efforts (efforts of which the dog was very appreciative), our new puppy had neatly colored purple-blue balls for about a week.

Lesson #2:  It is normal for sisters to despise each other at least some of the time.  Slightly less normal was a recent conversation I had with Kallan in which she asked if, over the holiday break, we could, “Go check out the children for sale at the orphanage just in case something were to happen to Maj.”

Lesson #3:  Having a daughter with a slightly obsessive need to have the same questions answered over and over again will not actually cause your head to explode, but it will cause you to question your stores of patience and sanity.  And if you say to that daughter, “If you ask me that question one more time, my head will explode,” you may be assured that she will feel the need to demonstrate the falseness of that claim.

Lesson #4:  Life is not fair.  If I had not already known this to be true, this past year of having “That’s not fair!” screamed at me after every disappointment or disparity in treatment would surely have clued me in.  That plus the fact that somewhere in the world there is a woman with appreciative cheerful children who don’t regularly strip naked in front of public bathroom mirrors to do the “Booty Dance.”

Lesson #5:  Sometimes strangers are annoying.  I don’t know (but I’m sure Maj does) how many people this past year have asked the girls if they are twins.  Hello?!?   If you have to ask if they are twins, you should keep your mouth shut because you are pissing off the older short sister.

Lesson #6:  Appreciate what you have while you have it.  Either I am getting old or the earth is spinning more quickly than it used to, because time seems to just fly by lately.  So do your best to appreciate your loved ones, even though (obviously) it would be a lot easier to appreciate them if they weren’t being hideous and ungrateful.  Tell them I said so, and see if that works any better for you than it did for me.

AND FINALLY . . .

Lesson #7:  If you are a sarcastic caustic person by nature, this facet of your personality will come back to bite you in the ass when you have children.  From Maj, after being reprimanded for being snotty and rude: “You’re like this all the time.  You made me this way . . . so isn’t it sort of your fault if you’re not happy with what you’ve done?”  And from Kallan, after being told that Santa might not be happy with her bad behavior: “Santa is waaay too busy bossing the elves to worry about looking down at Kallan.  And if he did happen to look down, I think he might want to talk about the Mom in this house who yells at me all the time.”

Wishing you a year in which no one’s private areas are inked with marker.  You’re welcome.

Don’t you roll your eyes at me!!!

Kris

And from those in the family reluctant to sign their names to the body of this letter . . .

Much love, Christmas wishes, and hopes for a fabulous 2008 from Mark, Maj, and Kallan