First day of school after spring break always sucks.
It was windy and rainy and dark when I woke the girls up this morning, and that didn’t help matters.
Maj rolled out of bed and grabbed her robe, rubbing the sleep from her eyes, “I hate getting up.” She pulled on her robe and headed into the hallway.
“I hate mornings,” she groaned as she oozed down the stairs ahead of me.
“I hate today,” she informed me as she lowered herself over the kitchen heating vent, tenting her robe to maximize heat capture. The dogs watched her, alarmed, as Maj was in their spot and sucking up their heat. Jack the smaller dominant dog is never one to stand quietly by while his position is being usurped. He climbed the small mountain of Maj and stood on her like he was king of the hill on the playground.
“Augh! Get him off of me! Jack is on my head! He’s chewing my hair! Get him off of me!”
Once upright and dog-free, Maj gave me her Bambi eyes, “Please can’t we stay home from school today? No one’s going to be there anyway. Everyone else’s mom is going to let them stay home and sleep. I’m too tired to do school. Please can I go back to bed?”
No can do.
Although it is likely going to be a very long and very bad day for Maj.
Let me set this up . . .
Our front door has one of those locks that is on the doorknob itself. You know the kind? With the little piece that you turn vertically to lock and horizontally to unlock? It’s the lock that always gets you locked out of the house, because when you are inside the house, the doorknob turns freely whether it is locked or not. It’s only once you have stepped outside and closed the door behind you that it becomes clear that the doorknob does not turn from the outside. Because it is locked.
I had to go out to the car this morning to get Kallan’s raincoat. I unlocked the car from the front hallway with the remote control key, put the key back down on the front hallway table, and went out to retrieve the coat. Came back to the front door and discovered that the doorknob wouldn’t turn. No big deal, right? I just need someone inside to turn the doorknob and let me in.
Except my knock on the door was answered by Maj.
She peered out the side window at me, “What?”
Are you kidding me? “I need you to open the door.”
She stared at me through the window at me for a minute as she processed my words.
I heard her lock the deadbolt. And then walk away.
“No, Maj! Come back. I need you to open the door.”
She stared out the window again as though confused about why I was still standing out on the porch. Hadn’t she already addressed this problem?
I heard the deadbolt unlock.
She walked away again.
I am still locked out.
I banged on the door and then on the window, “Maj! I need you to turn the doorknob.”
She turned back, “What?”
“Turn the doorknob.” I pantomimed turning the doorknob. Easy enough, right?
She fumbled with the door’s small lock, but did not unlock it. Stood there staring at me.
Fuck.
I now hear Mark advising her from the background, “Maj, just turn the doorknob and let Mom in.”
She’s getting pissed now. “I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. I TRIED TO UNLOCK THE DOOR BUT IT WON’T UNLOCK.”
Mark again, from the couch, “You don’t need to unlock anything. Just turn the doorknob and let Mom in the house.”
I hear a sound like flippers whapping against the door as Maj goes all thumb-less. “I CAN’T DO IT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!”
I look through the window and watch as she slumps, defeated to the floor. “I CAN’T DO IT! THE DOOR WON’T OPEN! I TRIED AND IT WON’T OPEN.”
Mark makes his way from the couch to where Maj is now wailing and flapping about on the floor, “Sweetie, just get up and turn the doorknob. Grab and turn. That’s all you have to do.”
“I CAN’T, I CAN’T, I CAN’T. I TRIED BUT IT DOESN’T WORK!!!”
I am still standing outside in the rain, by the way. In case you’ve forgotten.
Maj reaches up and smacks at the doorknob with her flipper hands, “SEE? IT DOESN’T WORK! WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?”
Smack, smack, smack . . . I stare through the window in disbelief as Maj reaches above her head and swipes blindly at the doorknob. “IT WON’T WORK,” she sobs.
Mark reaches over her and turns the doorknob.
The door opens and I step in and over Maj, “Geez, Maj. Thanks a lot for your help.”
She stared up at me hatefully, “THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE DOOR. IT WOULDN’T WORK.”
I shrugged off my raincoat and reached over to turn the doorknob back and forth and back and forth, “It seems like it’s working just fine, Maj. Look! Turn and open! Turn . . . and open! Turn . . . and . . .”
“OK OK I GET IT!!” She pulled herself up off the floor and picked up her gym shoes.
She scrabbled at the knotted laces in frustration. “I CAN’T GET THE STUPID LACES TO UNDO! WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS IN A KNOT? WHHHYYYYY???”
With useless thumb-less hands, she flung her shoes against the wall.
“AUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
She sank back down to the floor and put her head in her hands.
“I hate today.”
FUN FACT:
Today is the first day of Maj’s week-long Sex Ed class at school. Here’s hoping she manages to keep her wits and thumbs about her. Poor Maj.
“With the onset of puberty, you may notice your daughter becoming more emotional, more fragile, and more easily frustrated.”
You think?
Oh, God help us! Sometimes I think the birds have it right. Push them out of the nest as soon as “birdly” possible. Lot less stress on the parents this way.
Oh my gosh . . . Maj sometimes trips as she is walking across the room. If I were to throw her out of the nest right now, she would be instant roadkill.
I think it’s funny that they talk about this as leading up to puberty. When I’ve seen Annalise become more emotional and easily frustrated it seems to be she’s like a 2 year old.
DO NOT SAY THAT! I prefer to think that my child is progressing, not regressing. And there is an odd cyclical nature to her most outrageous outbursts lately. So much fun in store for me over the next several years.
Great story—makes me dread next Monday (our first day back!). My daughter locked me out on my balcony once— I almost had to jump down one story….but luckily a kind stranger heard my screams and was able to go into my apartment and open the door.
How old was your daughter when that happened? Maj once locked me out of the car when she was two, and then just stared happily at me from her carseat as I wildly tried to communicate the need for her to unlock the door. We were at a gas station, so I went in and bought a candy bar to wave in front of her. That worked.
Hi Kris,
Your blog is fab and the highlight of my lunchtime!
Your hubby used to be my manager here at Business Wire and he’s very much missed around these parts. I hope you two are enjoying life in ORE.
For the life of my I don’t understand how Maj couldn’t open the door. I read your post 2-3 times and still nothing. I assume she knows how to operate a doorknob, heck my 4-year old knows that. Was there something quirky about that particular knob or was she just _really_ having a bad morning?
Best,
–Chris
Maj is a bad morning sort of girl, and when she gets upset, her brain shuts down. Even the simplest directions, like, “Turn the knob,” are not processed when she gets like this. She gets stuck in a loop in which she does the same stupid thing again and again. It is a teeny bit insane.
This trait also makes Maj a joy when she has a homework assignment she does not understand, by the way.
Mark and I are very hopeful that she is never faced with an actual stressful emergency that might require her to . . . say . . . open a door.
Fingers crossed.
Also? Mark says hi, and to tell you that if you read today’s post, you should know that he DOES know how to pronounce the word “fuchsia.” He was just “confused” because it was presented without context.
Whatever.
My 7.yo. stepdaughter is like that. She shuts down. Especially when she is tired. And also when she has homework that she doesn’t understand. I have finally(I think) gotten her to understand that she has to take more than 10 seconds to think about a problem before she asks me.
Yeah, we’re still working on that with Maj.
She is getting better, but when she gets overwhelmed she just shuts down.
And then even turning a doorknob is just too much.
It makes me worry for her.
It makes me hope there is never an emergency that requires opening a door.
Sigh.