If you are blogging for more than minute or two, you become aware of the superstars of the blogging world. They speak to you. As in, “You just keep dreaming your little dreams, sad little blogger. Because the top of this particular mountain? SPOKEN FOR.”
Remember “King of the Mountain” on the school playground? At recess, we used to race to the mountains of snow pushed up by the plows and climb to the top. The biggest, fastest kids would get there first, and they would spend the rest of the recess lording it over the rest of us. Why did we agree to play? Such a stupid stupid game in which I was always pushed down the icy hill. Always. And then, off-balance and humiliated, I would race flailing down the mountain, trying desperately to keep my legs beneath me as I ran.
Sometimes, I would just keep running across the playground, trying to give the impression that I hadn’t just been cruelly pushed down the hill and out of the game, but had instead chosen to leave. Really speedily and awkwardly. But by my own choice.
Sigh.
One of the Queens of the Mountain in the blogging world is named Heather Armstrong, and she runs a blog called Dooce. It’s not really a blog so much as a multimedia empire . . . but whatever. She’s the Queen.
She’s been around forever, and the word “dooce” has entered blog vernacular, meaning the loss of one’s job due to blogging.
As in, “Be careful when blogging about co-workers, or you are likely to be dooced.”
Luckily, I have no co-workers.
I have nothing to say about Ms. Armstrong’s writing, and feel fairly confident that I wouldn’t be her favorite cup of tea either. But I found myself seduced by her blog. Seduced by a desire to have . . . all . . . of . . . that.
She sells shit like you wouldn’t believe. So much linkable shit for sale on her website. I was idly flipping through her “Daily Style” photo archives of shit I could buy, and I wanted it ALL. The lantern-shaped salt and pepper shakers? Need them. Cute little animal calendar? Have to have that. Hippo cards? NEED. Baby jammies. NEED. Exquisite tea cups. MUST HAVE THIS INSTANT.
And it got worse. I flipped through her “Photo of the Day” archives, and I wanted her dogs. SO BADLY I COULD FEEL THEIR FUR AND SMELL THEIR DOGGY BREATH. I wanted her stunningly beautiful children. And her living room and her bedroom and every single item contained within.
Just to be clear . . . this is not who I am. I hate shopping, buy very little for myself, and tend to wear and use things far past their expiration date.
Clothing should come with an expiration date, by the way. That would be very useful.
So I am drooling over her website, and Mark leans over, “What the hell are you doing?”
I am startled out of my covetous reverie, “Babe, we need to buy these salt and pepper shakers. LOOK AT THEM! They are perfection.”
I wave him over to my monitor, “Look at all this stuff I need. I want it all. I want her dogs. LOOK AT THEM! They are perfection.”
Mark pulls her website up on his own computer and clicks a few times. A few more clicks.
“You don’t want her dogs, goofball. Or her salt and pepper shakers. What you want is her camera.”
I look again, and damned if he’s not right! I don’t want the stuff at all. What I want is the ability to take pictures like that. Ms. Dooce has reached through the computer and grabbed me by the neck and made me want salt and pepper shakers so badly I can feel my body craving sodium.
If I could take pictures like that, I would be like a god! Or a Queen. Of my own little mountain.
I am about to be pushed down the playground snow-plowed mountain, however, because research reveals that in addition to developing photography skills and an artistic eye (things that I have never possessed), I would need to spend approximately $5000 on equipment.
Ok, so that’s out. “Didn’t want it anyway,” I call out over my shoulder as I pretend I meant to race all pell-mell down the blogging hill and over to . . . here. By the drinking fountain. Where all the cool kids hang out.
With our iPhone cameras, snapping crappy pictures.
And then? A miracle!
A beautiful blue-green tinted photo of trees and flowers on the Dooce blog, with a note underneath stating that the photo had been taken with her iPhone. Are you kidding me? Using a new app called Hipstamatic that costs . . . $1.99.
I had never before purchased an iPhone app, but you bet your ass I bought that one.
I have been taking awesome photos. I will share one with you now. You will wish you had been there to cavort on the beautiful beach in the gorgeous ocean with my stunningly beautiful daughters. Begin the envious coveting of my life . . . NOW.
Anonymous daughters. Perfection.
But here’s the thing. Dooce is powerful, and she’s not giving up her place as mountaintop Queen that easily. She shared the iPhone app with her mostly female and not-rich audience, a large percentage of which are bloggers. And now WE ARE ALL USING THE HIPSTAMATIC iPHONE APP.
Seriously, these gorgeous and very identifiable photos are all over the blogging world. ALL OVER IT.
Which means, as I am sure you realize, that none of us is more special or more talented than we were before. Because we ALL have the camera app, none of us is able to get a foot up that icy mountain. Damn.
Heather Armstrong is a fucking genius.
And I still want her dogs. They are perfection.
And mine suck.
I had never heard of her till this post, I must be living under a rock.
There is another popular blogger out there who annoys me so I will not mention her name. She takes the same kinds of pics that I saw on Heather’s website but tries to play them off as her own. Yeah, whatever, I may be slow but I am not THAT slow.
I need that information under separate cover . . . hit the “Contact Me” link at the top of my blog and shoot me an email. I want to know if we’re thinking of the same person.
Also, see that rock in the background of my photo? That would be where you have been living . . . under it.
DOOCE is waaaaaaay famous.
If the queen ever looks at blogs written about her, this is one of the best written with humor and adoration in regards to her popularity! Nicely done.
And those anonymous daughters on that amazing beach, taken by that fantastically talented photographer – perfect.
~K
I do like the photo, so thank you!
And I do not think the Queen is coming anywhere near Pretty All True. But just in case, I am stockpiling snowballs with which to ward her off of my little hill of snow.
i KNOW what you mean
she inspires my photography all the time
and her husband is pretty hot too
for a skinny guy
Yes, husband is adorable. Children are adorable. She is adorable.
It would make me very happy to learn that they are all robots.
Dog robots, too.
Hey now, you’re way up on the hill as compared to … say… me, so you’re totally Queen of your Mountain. As for Dooce, I’ve heard the name, but have never been there – perhaps in some act of defiance? I dunno, but there you have it.
Also, you make me laugh, and you write well. Excellent qualities both.
Everybody has their own Dooce. It doesn’t have to be Heather Armstrong. It’s just whoever is standing on the top of the mountain that you would like to climb.
If I am your Dooce? That is a huge honor for me, but means that you have set your sights on taking over rather a small hill.
I just think all of us who are being pushed off the snow pile by the Queen, should all just hold hands and skip around the mountain biding our time. Eventually she will fall…what goes up, must come down. By then we will all be such great friends skipping around the mountain, having come up with the perfect battle plan that we can take her in her moment of weakness.
Be prepared ladies…be prepared!
I did not know that you did drugs, Lanita.
Because clearly you are high.
Nope, no drugs…I’ve just been reading up on mean girls lately.
Yes, read your post, which was terrific!
But why skipping and holding hands around the mountain??
That seems like enhanced medicated vision of girl-girl friendships.
I suppose I am just feeling nostalgic about my girlfriends.
I am imagining a very “Sound of Music” sort of scene in my head.
Without the Nazis. Duh.
I read Pretty All True. I do not read Dooce. I have excellent taste. Therefore, Pretty All True is better than Dooce.
Thus saith me, a Very Smart Person.
Also, you cracked me up. Again! How the hell do you always do that?
It’s all the material I’m stealing from Dooce. Which you would know if you ever read her stuff.
Hilarious post… and I LOVE that app! I learned about it from another blogger actually– Scary Mommy. It’s GREAT. In fact, I used for a picture of a toy in my post “the toy that made me cry” just to make the toy look more eeevvvilll. Hee.
I have also used it to great evil effect to make my daughters appear even more satanic than they actually are. Great fun!
I also love the old-fashioned B&W app. I am a little bit addicted to my new very cheap camera.
Dooce is great – that’s just a fact and I love her. Don’t want her dogs… but get a kick out of reading about them :-) That photo of those girls? Is a proof that you have a creative eye – the rest of it is technique which can be learned and equipment will get cheaper with time and all of us will have THAT camera, but creativity? It is all yours and it is unique. You haz it. I luvz it.
I’m sure Dooce is great. I haven’t read that much beyond her tales of her trip to the White House. Honestly, I got bored, and before I started searching through her archives for better stuff, I found myself hypnotized by her photography.
Thanks for compliments! I love compliments.
“You don’t want her dogs, goofball. Or her salt and pepper shakers. What you want is her camera.”
Exactly! Most of the time I don’t even read her, I just look at the perty pictures.
They really are stunning. Perfection.
Mark thinks I’m a loon.
I am totally checking out that app! I suffer from blog envy all the time…. but at some point have had to get over it. The reality is that someone, somewhere, will always make it look easier..smoother…..(or maybe get a series of random thoughts down to um..1 post-it!) :)
xoxo
It’s not blog envy, it’s just plain old regular envy.
It gets on my nerves.
I am perfection, damn it.
Damn you. I didn’t know anything about Dooce until I read this post.
I’ve been obsessed with trying to figure out how to make a living out of a blog or get started on compiling my own stories into a book for quite awhile. Then I clicked the link and read her about page. Sigh. Some people. Either they’ve got more luck and more moxy, or there really is a god and he hates me because of that time I did a little handsy making out with Troy at that church lock in. We may never know…
Yes, I am going to make a million dollars writing a book too! Or writing an advice column, because I am certain that there are lots of people willing to dole out the big money for the thoughts I am currently just tossing out into the world for free. Seriously, people, there is genius scattered all over the floor at my house.
As far as monetizing the blog? I am an Amazon Associate (linked to http://www.amazon.com), and that is raking in the cash, let me tell you.
Total profit so far from this blog: $1.20 from the purchase of an amazon.com FLASHLIGHT. Sigh.
You were locked in a church with Troy?
Hey, $1.20 is a quarter of the cost of a pack of ciggs. Or a Pepsi.
Yeah. Troy. This douche bag: http://awomaninsearchof.blogspot.com/2009/12/one-night-at-movies-long-ago.html
Hey, I am not knocking the spare change! Love the jingly coins.
It will help me pay the girls their allowances. They are more highly paid than I am.
Which sort of sucks to acknowledge.
How much do you think Dooce makes on each iphone Hipstamatic app sold? Apps are big bizness. Really Really, no apps? …you are missing out. I love my dictionary app, my calendar app, apps I’ve used in the last week…. mail, fb, weather, linkedIn, FML, TWITTER, Yahoo (mail and search), flashlight, Sex Jokes, Units, exedia, sex positions.:) All free. Might you be missing the app bandwagon?
Free apps? I am all about free apps. And I have a few paid apps that Mark bought and then shared with me (these tend to be of the “Look how organized you could be if you used this!” sort. ) I mostly ignore those.
And yes, I know Dooce is making money off of the app purchases. That’s why I didn’t link through her website to make the purchase.
Which is a little petty of me, now that I think about it.
You do know Yertle the Turtle? Most that climb the highest have stepped on quite a few. I am more impressed with a genuine and free spirit.
Is that what that crunchy stuff is on the bottom of my shoes? I was wondering about that.
Needy? Doubtful; unless your needy for fan adoration! Your photo is beautiful and I’m sure your dogs are wonderful! Now please go toss the rotten leftovers and frozen hamburger that’s far exceeded the expiration date, please? Your children will be forever grateful. No wonder they don’t care for Poo Logs and Poo Gravy!!
You are confusing me with the references to multiple posts!
Dogs are not wonderful. Adorable, but not wonderful.
Fridge is cleaned out (except for still-lovely poo-log leftovers which we will be serving for lunch tomorrow).
Needy? Ummmmm . . . isn’t everybody?
LOVE ME, damn it!
You must be high; that or simply delusional. I do NOT recall mentioning multiple posts.
Despite the fact, you are both needy, and a possible combination of the above two; I LOVE you, damn it!
But only if you reply to my email…. otherwise I will ‘spite block you. Again. :-)
Somebody needs their meds.
Just saying.