We were driving back from the Oregon coast this evening, and at about 5:15, Mark and I both realize that we have forgotten to drink an afternoon cup of coffee.
The stupid satellite radio is dead because even though the satellite sending the signal is in space somewhere high above us, the mountains are apparently interfering with our ability to receive that signal. So the car is silent. Kallan is watching a DVD, and Maj is listening to her iPod. A few minutes ago, Mark and I were happy and chatty, but now we’ve passed into severe caffeine withdrawal. A crabby silence envelops the front of our minivan as we realize how very very much the gorgeous mountainous scenery does not look like Starbucks.
As we descend through the mountains, we start to bitch in too-loud voices about how our ears need to pop. Then my ears pop, and I am all pissed off because Mark (whose ears have not yet popped) is yelling everything. He starts yelling about how his feet are bothering him . . . the altitude has made them swell a teeny bit and he’s all cranky and uncomfortable. I suggest he take his shoes off, but he can’t hear me. I gesture at my shoes and pantomime removing them like I am trying to communicate with a deaf retarded person.
Mark loves when I do that.
I have a moment of terror when I think that he will drive us off the side of the mountain as he removes his shoes.
But then he is sock-footed and we are still alive.
Was the drive TO the coast this long? I do not think it was.
We have been driving for fucking forever.
A headache is forming in the part of my brain that is dehydrating from lack of coffee.
And then we see it!
In the distance, past the hell of all this hideous fucking nature . . . civilization! It’s not Starbucks, but Mark and I have perhaps never before been so happy to see the golden arches of McDonalds.
Mark pulls up to the drive-thru intercom and places his order. His ears have still not popped, and he orders very loudly.
“Two small cups of coffee, please.”
“Ok, anything else?”
“No, that’s it. Two small cups of coffee.”
I’m not paying that much attention, but then I hear Mark getting all annoyed that they aren’t getting his order correct. He’s now leaning out of the car and yelling into the intercom. Remember, he’s extra loud because his ears still haven’t popped.
“No, I need two cups of coffee.”
“Yes sir, 2 creamers in each.”
“But did you hear that I want two cups of coffee?”
“Yes, sir.”
“So the order is for TWO CUPS OF COFFEE.”
“Got it sir, two cups of coffee.”
“Ok, but do you know we want TWO CUPS?”
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM?
He starts to pull up to the first window to pay, and he’s all flustered and annoyed and still talking in a really big voice about how they didn’t get his order right.
He hands over $3.00, twice the $1.50 the nice woman is asking him to pay.
“I want TWO CUPS OF COFFEE.”
“Yes, sir, I know . . . I gave you the senior discount.”
“It’s half off with the senior discount?”
“Yes sir, when you, ummmm, only ordered coffee, I, ummmm, gave you the senior discount.”
Which makes no fucking sense at all. She gave him the senior discount because she couldn’t see him, and he was yelling everything like a deaf old man, but she doesn’t want to tell him that.
I am beside myself with glee.
Mark, who still doesn’t realize that he is yelling everything, is all flustered.
And now he has to pull up to the next window and get his coffee. From a nice young man who looks curiously at the order slip as he passes the drinks out the window. “Two senior coffees,” he says slowly, and he looks at us questioningly.
Mark doesn’t want to explain the misunderstanding, but he also doesn’t want this kid to think we’re trying to cheat McDonalds out of $1.50 by falsely claiming to be senior citizens.
So he passes my coffee to me, and says in a huge loud voice, “HERE YOU GO, GRANDMA!”
How much do I love him?
We continue on our way, and it is just amazing how quickly a senior citizen cup of coffee can lift your spirits!
And the radio is back!!!
I hit the 70’s station button and the car is filled with Tony Orlando and Dawn’s Tie a Yellow Ribbon (Round the Old Oak Tree). And that’s just fucking awesome! Mark and I start singing along happily.
The song ends, and the next song starts . . . Ramblin Man . . . the Allman Brothers Band? Are you fucking kidding me? SO great.
Maj pulls her earphones from her ears, “What are you two singing? This is like old people music! Stop singing! This is hideous! Nobody listens to this kind of music!”
I yell over my shoulder during an instrumental segue, “Listen to the lyrics, Maj! It’s about a man who was born on a Greyhound bus, apparently. On Highway 41. And his Daddy ended up on the wrong side of a gun. Which is never a good idea, by the way. And now he’s a rambling man! Sing it, Maj!!!”
“You guys are like crazy old people,” Maj snorts in disgust as she fiddles with her iPod to find her next selection.
I swing my discounted cup of coffee back at her in a giddy toast, “Here’s to us! Haven’t you heard? Your daddy and I are old!”
And then comes Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Light.
HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT?
Maj spots one of Mark’s shoes on the floor, and she leans up as far as she can and peers down at his feet. “Are you kidding me? Daddy is not allowed to drive without shoes on! That is against the law! Are you telling me that we having been driving dangerously and illegally this entire time? You need to wear your shoes when you drive! Everybody knows that! What is wrong with you? You people are crazy and dangerous! You could be arrested, you know! Is that what you want? To be arrested for driving in your socks?”
Mark and I all snorty and giggly and still singing lustily along with Meatloaf.
“Now I’m praying for the end of time, so I can end . . . MY. . . TIME . . . WITH . . . YOU!”
Maj is not amused.
Maj is making us old before our time.
Getting old’s not that bad. Good coffee. Cheap, too.
I fucking LOVE McDonald’s coffee. My only question is: SMALL? Who the fuck orders a SMALL? Extra large all the way.
OK, large in the morning or afternoon. But just before dinner? I would be up all night on caffeine high.
And if I did manage to ever fall asleep, I would have to get up in 30 minutes to pee.
Small coffee after 5:00 pm. That’s my rule.
Haha, I can just imagine the girl giving the senior discount because she assumed it was some deaf old coot that would immediately start demanding his discount at the next window.
It was sooo great. SO great.
Even better? Mark’s testy insistence this morning (after reading my blog) that I have got my facts wrong.
I don’t think so, Grandpa.
I am beside myself with glee.
So was I, reading this post. I laughed the whole way.
So that makes 4 of us!
WOOT! FREE COFFEE ca-ching!!!! now i just need to know, are you going by gramma now?
I am happy to have someone walk ahead of me wearing a huge “Here Comes Grandma” sandwich board heralding my arrival EVERYWHERE I go if it means I get a 50% discount.
50% off is awesome!
I laughed out loud when I read “I gave you the senior discount”. Classic!
It still makes me giggle when I think about it.
FIrst of all, I have never understood why driving without shoes is illegal. I drive without shoes ALL THE TIME. If I am EVER pulled over I am going to argue that is much safe to drive barefoot instead of wearing flip-flops or the black boots with 3 inch heels. I woman cop would get it, but a man would probably give me a ticket.
Secondly, I may be a Starbuck’s snob, but McDonald’s has rockin’ coffee. Their lattes are almost as good as Starbuck’s, especially in a pinch…and apparently even more so if you get the senior citizens discount.
Yeah, I have never gotten the “must drive with shoes” thing either. Yes, your loose shoes could get stuck under a pedal, and that would be bad . . . but then the rule should be that you can’t drive while removing your shoes. I don’t get it. But it’s a rule . . . and Maj is all about rules.
And I like McDonalds coffee! But . . . it is easier to get out of Starbucks without buying the kids a shake, so we try to avoid the fast-food coffee.
“Here you go, Grandma!” Hands down the best line of the post (definitely not calling you old). I laughed for a solid minute & how I would have loved to be in the car for this! Happy that the trip ended on a singing, happy, caffeine high note!
Oh, fine. I write the whole thing down, but Mark gets the praise.
He is going to LOVE your comment.
I seriously laughed out loud the entire time I read this. My husband thought I was laughing at Jon Stewart and I said “no, this is funnier”
I am so going to get a button printed up that says, “One time? I was funnier than Jon Stewart.”
I NEVER type LOL. NEVER. But I was! This is such a great post. I just can’t help but picture myself in similar situations. The only difference being our K is a boy. But Maj and my oldest, Raina, would Definitly Hit It Off.
Cheers! And yes, I do love Mcd’s coffee!
LOL is fine if it is written sincerely, which it so often is not. Yours, I will accept!
I am glad to hear there is another Maj out there dealing with another Kallan! So fun. Exasperating, but so fun.
This one had everything!
Although I have to admit. I have been looking at this title as I read through your archives for a couple of days now.
And my mind went to awful awful places. I was hoping, oh how I was hoping that you weren’t about to recount your experience with a certain video that is floating around the internets.
Thank you for that.
I know just what video you are referring to, because someone brought it to my attention after this post went up.
Axel, maybe? I’d have to go back and check.
ICK.
Thank you for not being about that video.
I love this post btw.
Hehehe Grandma!
I’m so glad you liked this post!
Me too.