Workplace filters be damned

Once again, I am late to the technological party.

Have you Twittered?

It is fucking awesome.  I am now wasting time I didn’t even know I had.  Which, if you think about it, means that Twitter is GIVING me time.  So awesome.

You know those old movies where the switchboard operators are pulling plugs and pushing wires to connect callers to their destination listeners?  It’s like that!  Only you get to not only hold conversations with intended recipients, you get to EAVESDROP on a million other snippets of strangers’ conversations.  And if one of those snippets intrigues you?  You can step out of anonymity and insert yourself into the conversation.  Jump in and offer advice, a comment, some snark, or an admiring “Love that!” and be on your way.  Or you can follow the interesting people as they continue on with their days.  And then sometimes people step into your conversations and follow you.  So totally awesome . . . I can’t say enough.

It’s like a stalker’s wet dream.  Not that I am a wet-dream-having stalker.

It’s intimate and personal and revelatory, but it is also weirdly anonymous, and that distance gives people the freedom to be amped up, exaggerated versions of themselves.  I ask you . . . who among us is not improved with a little self-promoting puffery?

Can you say “on-line dating services?”  Exactly.

So, to sum up: Aside from the fact that Twitter is completely addictive, based in a fantasy version of humanity, and will cause you to neglect other aspects of your life . . . Twitter is fucking awesome.

So here, for your reading pleasure, is the story of my day so far, jazzed up with some of my completely context-free Tweets (we cool people call Twitter messages Tweets) from the last week.  I haven’t made them linkable, but the first part of each message indicates to whom I was writing.

KRIS’ DAY ALONE SO FAR – A STORY

Once upon a time, I got the girls up early, and while Mark was taking a shower, I packed them a cooler full of drinks and lunch to take to the Soapbox races in Salem.  Took the dogs out to poop, kissed the girls and husband good-bye, and then supervised the backing of the trailer from our driveway.  Waved goodbye to my family.

@KristiMaristi Try to keep drunken chin above the douche-line!

I went back into the house, turned out the lights, and went back to bed.

@StehsaSimsSays No pajamas here, so if I left out the robe part of my bus-stop goodbye to the girls, it would be slightly scandalous.

Ahhh . . . sleep.  Smaller bad dog snuggled up against me until 9:00 am.  Read two library books and contemplated cleaning the house.  Then watched episode of 16 and Pregnant and developed sense of security that comes with knowing that no matter how messy my house is, I am not as fucked up as a pregnant high schooler who thinks she will be able to take newborn surfing with her.  Did not clean house.

@lilfootsmommy I hate when people tweet to let me know how great their lives are and how sad mine is by comparison.  Q-Tip dreams?  Sigh.

Checked my email and the on-line versions of the several newspapers I glance at every morning.  Mine disaster, murder, global warming, depression, recession.  Headed over to TMZ . . . much better.  Lindsay Lohan’s dad is marrying former John Gosselin slut . . . awesomeness!  Ate a bowl of granola and let larger well-behaved dog lick out the bowl.

@lawmomma77 Filter thinks you are trying to have internet sex with me from your workplace.  Frowned upon.

Started a load of laundry and loaded the dishwasher. Dog helped a little.  Made a list of the people to whom I owe phone calls and then put that list on top of last week’s similar list and noticed most names were the same.  Called no one.

@followers Earlier tweet about Castle Megastore of Erotica in Beaverton got me Castle Megastore follow!  How cool am I?

Spent some time gazing into space (read: another episode of 16 and Pregnant), trying to decide what to write about today.  Cannot do the obvious and write about idiot children having children, because then Mark would at some point become aware I spent part of my day watching garbage-y television.  Hmmmmm.

@mommywantsvodka If flying cockroaches kill rock-star love-child dream for you, how important could this dream really have been?

Considered writing about the winter my mom spent standing outside our house in the snow trying to get the chickadees to eat out of her hand.  She was eventually successful, but at huge cost to children’s opinion of her sanity.  Decided that might piss mother off.

@gonnakillhim I find that the very very best compliments come from premature ejaculators.  In real life and in spam.

Ate small box of yogurt raisins I promised children I would not eat.  Then ate last remaining box so that I would not have to listen to an argument about how to split the last box.  Delicious.

@mamabirddiaries Automatic sliding doors triumph over any sense of personal shame or feeling of life’s ambitions unfulfilled.  Seriously.

Doorbell rings, and I accept yet another set of phone books.  That makes 6 sets since we moved to Lake Oswego.  I don’t use phone books, people.  Google has made them obsolete.  Walked phone books out to recycling container and dropped them in with a thud.

@lawmomma77 When I do something idiotic that seems award-worthy, I wear my Burger King birthday crown.

Sat down at computer to type post for today.  Uninspired.  Checked Twitter messages.

Inspired!

@mommywantsvodka Vicodin is fabulous stuff!  Floating anus burger hallucinations can only be good thing.

@ComaGirlBlogger You do know not to throw food to the roaches, right?

@scarymommy You are famous?  Did not know.  Apologies for dissing your pillow and suggesting you were paralyzed with Easter candy fatness.

And now I’m done!  Feeling very accomplished, especially having already established that no one reads on Saturday anyway.

@lawmomma77 Still feeling all happy about whale vagina and have several hours before bedtime.

Want to check me (or anyone else in the world) out on Twitter?  I would love to have some more company!  I’m at Prettyalltrue.  Duh.  Or you can click on the Twitter birdie on the right side of this page.

@followers I now have 54 Twitter followers.  World domination imminent.  Updates and instructions to follow.

Off to (maybe) clean the house.  Depends on whether the pool of pregnant high-schoolers has dried up.

So I guess you know where I’ll be.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The end.