Quondam

Anal Leakage

I am not going to go on and on about American Idol, because frankly? I am enormously annoyed that Crystal did not win.  This despite the fact that I did not vote even once.  Lee, as far as I am concerned, sings like a paint salesman.

For those of you who have never watched the show?  Lee Dewyze is in fact a paint salesman.

And people?  Over the years?  The paint salesmen who I have seen break into song?

They suck.

So we are watching the finale last night, and it is just so dreadful that I can’t stand it.  I get all antsy when dreadful is parading about in front of me, screeching like a stabbed cat and wearing glittery sequins.  I could not sit still.

So I keep sneaking out of the room.  The group-sings?  Kill me now.

The girls keep screaming for me to come back, because there is some hilarious shit going on, and they can’t believe that I am missing it.

“Mom, get in here!  Hurry!  This is so funny!  Hurry!”

“What? Are they announcing the winner?”

The girls are giddy with snorting disdainful judgmental delight, and their words tumble out all on top of one another, “No, but this is so funny!  There are some horrible old men singing!  I think they are the contestants’ grandpas!!!  You do not want to miss this!  Hurry!  It is sooooooo funny!  They are horrible!”

So I hurry in, because who doesn’t want to enjoy some musical grandpa humiliation?

If you saw the show, you already know that the horrible old grandpas humiliating themselves on stage for my daughters’ viewing pleasure?

The fucking Bee Gees, that’s who.

People?  I am fucking old.

And by the way?  So are the Bee Gees (Yes, I know that Maurice is dead.  It was just Barry and Robin last night).

When crazy liver-spotted grandpas are singing, “How Deep is Your Love?” in falsetto little boy voices?  It is better to close your eyes and just listen.

Because otherwise you will get all creeped out.  Especially if you focus on Grandpa Robin.

Yikes.

I am old.   But I wake this morning filled with youthful excitement about posting here on Pretty All True about dental floss!   Seriously, because I have an important floss public service announcement to make.

And then I remember that I am all old and shit, and I am thinking that writing about dental floss will do little to rejuvenate me in your eyes.

Because who writes about dental floss?

Grandmas, that’s who.

Fuck it.

In an attempt to save a few pennies the other day, I purchased Dentek Floss Picks instead of my normal Crest Glide Floss Picks.

Because I figured that it would be pretty hard to fuck up a floss pick.

I could not have been more wrong.

I will now list the ways in which Dentek has fucked up . . . And I will use big letters so that the old folks among you can read my complaints without squinting.

Floss is supposed to have a waxy coating.

Who the fuck doesn’t know this?  Dentek, that’s who.

This shit is rough and dry and horrid.  The only way Dentek’s floss will glide happily between your teeth is if you start your flossing regimen by chewing a candle.

Floss is supposed to fit between your teeth.

Who the fuck doesn’t know this?  Dentek, that’s who.

Is there a segment of the flossing population with teeth so widely spaced that they could insert a butter knife into those spaces?  Because Dentek floss would be perfect for them.  Except, obviously, people who can floss with butter knives do not need floss.

Floss is supposed to be thin.

Who the fuck doesn’t know this?  Dentek, that’s who.

If you imagine perfect floss as a lovely silken and nearly invisible strand?  Dentek’s floss would be packing twine.

Floss is not supposed to unravel as you use it.

Who the fuck doesn’t know this?  Dentek, that’s who.

Like the aforementioned twine, Dentek’s floss falls apart as you use it, leaving little bits of shredded twine in your mouth.

Floss is not supposed to break when you use it.

Who the fuck doesn’t know this?  Dentek, that’s who.

Any money I may have saved in making this purchase?  More than spent on the use of extra floss picks, because these stupid things break at the slightest resistance.

Floss is not supposed to not only shred and break, but then get stuck between your teeth.

WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T KNOW THIS? Dentek, that’s who.

So imagine me, last night, trying to force another of these Dentek motherfuckers between my teeth in order to remove the floss left there by the last motherfucking Dentek flosser.  I was not happy.

Attention, Dentek:  Floss that gets stuck between your teeth is the opposite of floss.

Fuck.

Ok, so this morning, I wanted to tell you about the hideous Dentek floss, so I grabbed one of the little beastly flossers and shoved it in my back pocket.  So that I would have it next to me for inspiration as I typed.

(I just want to be sure that we are all in agreement that Dentek should have envisioned a world in which an individual flosser might have been placed in a back pocket.)

I pour myself a cup of coffee, head downstairs, and sit down at my computer.

At which point I am stabbed in the fucking ass by the sharp pick point of the Dentek flosser.  My ass?  Stabbed and bleeding.

Floss is not supposed to come linked to a tool so sharp that a user might potentially be stabbed in the ass, causing leakage of blood and no small amount of anguish.

Who the fuck doesn’t know this?  Dentek, that’s who.

So my pants are around my ankles and I am dabbing at my ass with a tissue and I am whirling about in order to catch a glimpse of my injured ass in the mirror.  It is a small painful injury.  A puncture wound.

Take a note, Dentek:  Flossers should not cause puncture wounds of any sort.

Pants back on, and I am fired up.  Before, I was thinking I might just mention the hideous floss, but now?  It is motherfucking on. Bring it, motherfucking Dentek!  Bring it!

So with pants back on, I head back to my computer.  I remember just in time that the flosser is still in my back pocket.  Because if I had sat down and been ass-stabbed again?  That would have been on me.  Ass-stab me once?  Your fault.  Ass-stab me twice?  I am a fucking idiot.

So I stop and I reach back to remove the flosser from my pocket.  Reach into my pocket all carefree and shoving, as my pocket is not generally a dangerous place.

And people?  I am stabbed again. The motherfucking Dentek flosser stabs me again!  In the finger.  But not just in the finger . . . it slides its shiv-like self up and under the fingernail of my right ring finger.  So that as I remove my hand from my pocket in horror?

The Dentek flosser is hanging from my finger.

I remove it.

And there is blood.  Plus pain.  Plus mental anguish and humiliation.

Floss is not supposed to come attached to a torture device.

Who the fuck doesn’t know this?  Dentek, that’s who.

Is there a segment of the flossing population who not only needs to floss, but who then must also extract secret information from bad guys by separating fingernails from fingers?

Really, Dentek?  Really?

OK, to sum up:

1) DO NOT BUY DENTEK FLOSSERS, as they are ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP.

(I just typed that they were “ucked up,” and had to fix it.  Why?  Because I am typing with only nine fingers today . . . fucking Dentek.)

2) BUY ANOTHER FLOSSER INSTEAD. I am partial to Crest Easy-Glide.  I need to go to Target later today.

3) And Grandpa Robin?  Fucking creepy.

Plus also?  My ass and my finger?

Ow.

    165 comments to Anal Leakage

    • Just so I understand, you don’t like Dentek? Right??

      =] =]

    • jenny

      Can you hear that sound? It is the sound of prison inmates calling their families for Dentek floss. With the slogan “Shiv’s for the whole family, don’t be caught without one.”

    • Amy

      I ALMOST didn’t click the link, almost. But I am glad I did because while my gag reflex is pretty strong these days, as I imagine it will be for a few months here… it was still fucking hilarious. Thanks for saving my ass!

    • Tears!! Tears are still streaming down my face as periodic sniggers of mirth slip out.

      Don’t think me cruel to laugh hysterically at your pain and suffering because I have every right. Why? I too have stabbed myself in the ass with a dental pick.

      So I’m not just laughing at you, but at myself as well.
      Really.

      • I have felt the tips of other dental picks, and while they are sharp, they are not like Dentek.

        Although properly positioned, I guess even a toothpick could stab you in the ass.

        We need to petition for warning labels on flossers!

        Warning: This product may cause stabbing puncture wounds and should not be used around your ass area.

    • Axel

      I soooo can’t resist this one…

      If you are experiencing bleeding anal leakage, it’s time to try something different. Or see a doctor.

      Had you been wearing underwear, you would have had an extra layer of protection around the cheeks. Well, maybe, depending on choice of said potential undergarment. Just an idea from my point of view. I’ve never gone commando that I can remember. I’d be too scared of a Something About Mary moment by getting “the beans above the frank”. Ouch.

      Personally, I go old school and use plain old floss, not the picks.

      FM, this has to be one of your top titles for a posting. Pure “win” right there…

      Oh, I still owe you the spoiler to Wicked… I’ll email ya. Any weekend plans?

      • Underwear would have offered scant protection against this floss assault. These fuckers are sharp!

        You are all caught up on the commando thing, aren’t you? Just remember that as far as you know? I have no beans and franks with which I need be concerned.

        I am fine with the plain old floss, but . . . the girls steal it to tie things. It is super strong, and they have all sorts of needs that involve super-strong invisible thread.

        So what happens is that their rooms are booby-trapped with trip-wires of floss, and I am left with the empty plastic carton.

        And I am wondering if Anal Leakage will scare anyone away? Also wondering if I care . . . hmmmm, not so much.

        Mark and the girls are off to Soap Box Racing this weekend. I am still debating about whether to join them.

    • J

      Floss ALWAYS get stuck in my teeth. No matter what kind. So I’ll be flossing and all of a sudden it’ll get stuck in one of my back teeth and I’ll start to pull and then get all freaked the fuck out that I’m going to yank a tooth out because one time my dad actually DID yank a tooth out of my mouth (it was a baby tooth, it’s time had come), and it hurt so bad that I still have nightmares so therefore

      I do not floss often.

      • YAY! Another dysfunctional reader with weird associations that keep her from doing normal things!

        You are my new best friend.

        But flossing? It is good for you.

        And your teeth are hardly ever yanked out.

      • My dad also yanked a tooth out of my mouth when I was a kid. It would have been less traumatic if he hadn’t just put a worm on a fishing hook. That’s right. There was no hand-washing or hand-sanitizing involved in between those two steps.

    • Oh good lord, I laughed until I cried. It makes me feel better that there are other people that hurt themselves with everyday objects.
      Also? Despite NOT voting on Dancing with the Stars and Nicole being the best dancer-I was still upset when Erin and Maks lost. And because I was PMS-y there were tears.
      I don’t think I could have handled old BeeGees.

      • You simply must go the American Idol website to see if there is a link for the Bee Gees’ performance last night. Hold on. Let me check.

        Hmmph. They must want you to buy the song on iTunes.

        As if.

    • I have always injured myself when flossing. I have not yet matured enough to do.it.anyway.

      Dentists make me feel like a failure as a human being.

    • I kinda liked Lee. Even if he did look like Bud Bundy. Mainly it’s b/c Crystal had yellow teeth. And a big gap. I’m sure she flosses, but I wanted to slap a crest whitestrip on her. I mean, I love that she’s a single mom of a 2 year-old. I do. I did the dreds. I just have a thing about teeth.

      And zomg, was it Robin Gibb? The skinny one? He looked like a cadaver! But they did sound better than Chicago. That was like listening to a cat being tortured.

      • Lee sucks. And he doesn’t make eye contact (which is a pet peeve of mine). His eyes slide away at the last moment like he is a guilty little boy. Not sexy. Plus? He cannot sing.

        How did no one notice that?

        Grandpa Robin was all kinds of cadaverous scary. I missed Chicago. More Grandpas. And also Joe Cocker and Alice Cooper. My girls were convinced that some huge elaborate practical joke was being played.

        Mom! They are hideous and old and they sound terrible! It is soooooo funny! Don’t they know we’re laughing at them?

        Sigh.

    • Jen

      Sooo this floss pick thing first raped your gums and then went for you ass and hand. Thats just all sorts of fucked up. Right up there with the sucking dog. You know your on some federal watch list by now.
      Filed under: Crazy lady. Married. Has two kids and way too many animals. Website, X-rated. Open with caution.

      • I think my permanent record speaks for itself. There is all kinds of shit in that thing!

        This blog is just more fuel for the fire.

        And so far today? So many anal-tending spam messages? You wouldn’t even believe.

        It is glorious.

        • Axel

          FM,
          You should let a few through for our enjoyment… minus any potential trojan, worm, virus or keylogger.

          • They are mostly big garbles of links called up by “Anal Leakage” and linking to anal porn.

            But there is also this:

            We looked high and low to find the right product to use to bleach the skin around your anus. I know this sounds completely outrageous and even perverted, but it is our job. Afterall, the purpose of http://www.idiotswithpaleassholes.com is to prevent you from having to ask your pharmacist an embarrassing question.

            Anyway, here is the product that you should try if you want to keep your bum-hole looking younger.

            • Jen

              FINALLY! “My poor asshole looked like its in its 50′s, but now it looks like that 20 year old asshole that the guys love. Thank you Pale Asshole!”

              • Seriously? Tears running down my face as i giggle. I changed their website name, and I love sooooo much that you noticed it.

                Mark is worried that I am going even more insane than he was willing to tolerate.

                • Axel

                  I can’t wait to see the info-mercial for this product. Hopefully not by “Billy” Mays.

                  “Just lightly apply the product to the area around the sphincter and in no time you’ll marvel at the results! You will no longer be embarrassed by that ugly brown eye while making home porn movies. Now you’ll be the talk of the town that everyone will want to get to know! Act now and we’ll throw in a jar of our miracle shrinking cream… can’t afford a vaginal rejuvination? Our cream will bring you back to your younger and tighter years!”

                  ~~LMFAO~~

                  • Axel

                    OMG… I just saw Jen’s post below mine… No. She is not responding to my post above.

                    I almost pissed myself laughing when I read my post + her post side by side.

                  • You may have a future as an anal-bleaching infomercial pitchman!

                    Axel, the face of anal bleaching.

                    Oh my god, I cannot breath.

      • Jen

        Guess who just bought those things…the hubby. hehehehe he’s going to have fun with that tonight!

        • You should warn him!

          But not warning him? Will be way funnier. Someone sent me the link to the amazon review site for the Dentek flossers . . . and I am laughing so hard I am crying.

          Check out the reviews here.

          I am giggling sooooo hard.

    • CDG

      I think we can now be reasonably sure the Dentek folks won’t be asking for endorsement. Can’t you just see it? Giant billboards with

      all over the interstates and byways of the pacific northwest?

      And the phrase, “Ass-stab me twice? I am a fucking idiot,” will stay with me for the rest of the evening. Thank you for that.

      No really. It makes me smile every time it scrolls across my brain.

    • Pua

      OMG HAHAHAHA. I’m sorry, I’m laughing at your pain, but that’s too effing funny.

      • Just like if I were to fall off a horse in front of my readers?

        I expect nothing less than giggling and mocking at my ass-stabbed misfortune.

        Love you!

    • So it’s called anal leakage, and then you put the stabby little thing in your pocket, and I thought you were going to get stabbed IN THE ANUS. Lesson? It could be worse. Because that would be worse. I once had to stab my husband in the anus with a knife and I promise, it was worse! Hysterically funny and I should have worn a diaper for the stabbing because I laughed until I cried AND peed, but still, worse.

      The first album I ever owned was “Children of the World” by the Bee Gees. Sigh. I am feeling old.

      And this? “The girls are giddy with snorting disdainful judgmental delight…” This is why my sister and I are still sometimes friends. Few things are better for bonding than disdain!

      • OH MY GOD!!!!

        Is that story of stabbing your husband in the anus with a knife on your blog somewhere? How could I have missed that?

        Details! I need details!

        And nothing bonds my two daughters like contempt for an agreed-upon inferior. Nothing.

        • Also? I considered “Ass-Stabbing” as a title, but then I get into more trouble with the swearing and the filters. I try to keep my titles clean.

          Or as clean as they can be when there is anal leakage.

          “Anal Leakage” flies past the guards because it is a medical term, and therefore G-Rated.

          • No, it’s not on my blog (I may have misread my audience, but I don’t really think it’s THAT (THIS) kind of blog.). I will come back and tell all here after I feed Carter some dinner. Brian is out of town, so I have more than enough time for the telling of my poking-an-anus-with-a-knife story.

            • I await impatiently.

              With tappity fingers.

              • Oh, no! Never have tappity fingers with me; I will always disappoint!

                Five years ago, Brian had this weird job. Said job is not germane to the discussion except that it involved a great deal of driving. HUGE quantities of driving, and for a man of a certain age (and also of a certain girth) this may lead to a great many hemorrhoids. Which it did. Duh. Shit like that is ALWAYS happening to Brian. He is Murphy’s Law personified.

                He told me that he was having trouble with hemorrhoids and acting all sad and disturbed about it, which I mostly ignored because a) he’s a big fucking baby about any and all discomfort and b) what the hell was I gonna do for him? I bought him the damn hemorrhoid medicine and kept plying him with ibuprofen. What else is there to do?

                He went to see our doctor and I was all eye-roll-happy about it because really, how silly, but he came home and said he had to have it surgically drained. Fine, whatever, they can’t do it for like 5 days. I was living my life and he was following me around like some kicked puppy, telling me how insensitive I am and he is in SO much pain, blah blah blah.

                The next day, I finally troubled myself to actually pay attention, and I realized he was pale as a lunatic, whining ghost. He held out his sharpest pocket knife and said, “Please poke a hole in it! I can’t stand it. Just poke one tiny hole!”

                While I put the kids to bed, he sterilized the knife and attended to matters of personal hygiene and that was when I should have shoved one of Carter’s diapers in my pants. I went into the bedroom and he was kneeling on the edge of the bed with his face resting on a pillow and saying, “Hurry up! Do it!”

                I didn’t think “hurry” and “knife” and “anus” was the best possible combination, so I was taking my time, making sure the knife was super sharp and checking out this truly impressive hemorrhoid (at least I think it was impressive; it’s actually the only one I’ve ever seen) and he starts yelling at me, “DO IT! DO IT! JUST POKE IT!” I was laughing so hard I was basically doubled over and terrified that I would make a mangled sliced-up mess of his anus, but with all the yelling I finally got down to business.

                So I poked it and it bled and Brian made an orgasm sound which makes the anus poking event officially the weirdest “sex” I have ever had.

                But then? A giant hemorrhoid with a hole poked in it by one’s loving and long-suffering wife will tend to leak, and what were we to do? Why, stick a tampon in his crack, of course. Tell every man you know, if you have a tampon in your crack to catch draining hemorrhoid blood, even if you are a die-hard boxer man, wear BRIEFS. If you are wearing boxers and shorts and you happen to be of the man-shape that is all belly, no butt, there is a chance that bloody tampon will fall out onto the floor.

                In public.

                At a street festival.

                Fair warning.

                • That is the funniest story of rectal bleeding I have ever read! I am all uncoordinated in my typing because I am shaking with delighted laughter.

                  Lady? You are the fucking best!

                  There is so much loveliness, and the end? Is to die for (and from, I am laughing that hard).

                  But you win the award for best words strung together in a comment for this:

                  I didn’t think “hurry” and “knife” and “anus” was the best possible combination, so I was taking my time.

                  Oh my fucking god. I am dying.

                • OMG!!! that is the funniest thing I have ever read!!! i’m tryin to read it to the hubs and i can’t cause i can’t fuckin’ stop laughin’ and i think i just peed…

                • I should have known to put on some adult diapers before reading this– *nearly* peed myself laughing.

                  Oh that is amazing. the tampon put me over the edge in laughing hysterics!!

                • I’m dying. Seriously dying laughing. I should have known better than to read this after my husband went to bed. Despite the fact that he is two rooms away I’m fairly certain I’ve woken him up from laughing so hard.

                  Kris, your post was great and funny. I can especially relate to getting floss stuck in my teeth. Every time I’m like wtf?! This is the exact opposite of what floss is supposed to do!

                  But Adrienne that killed me. Especially the tampon part. Seriously dead.

                  • People? We have killed Abigail.

                    Wait! Wasn’t Abigail supposed to get us all free drugs?

                    ABIGAIL! Walk away from the light! Your work here is not yet done!

                    • Okay. So blessed be twitter for it has shown me the way! All I can say is THANK YOU for sending me here. This thank you is two fold. Firstly – This original post had me laughing like a school girl on crack. Secondly – This comment had my entire office questioning my sanity.

                      My husband also deals with the “roids” – though I have yet to drain any for him. I will suggest he read this should he ever ask me to! Also… I will not be buying from Dentek. Honestly – both of these stories serve as public service announcements and you should feel good about what you have done here ladies!

                      • SO happy you visited and so happy you giggled!

                        Like a school girl on crack! I love that!

                        I am all about the PSA. As is Adrienne, I believe.

                        We are truth-tellers.

                      • And yes, I’m all about the PSA.

                        I have done my duty and can safely act like an asshole all day long. My karma? Totally secure.

                        Kris? Anuses the world over will sing our praises. You just can’t ask for better than that in life.

                  • Nooo! We cannot break Abigail! You have not yet had your opportunity to poke your own husband’s UNRULY BALLS OF ASS BLOOD! (Kris’s phrase, and now we will all die AGAIN from the hilarity. Oh, my God. I haven’t shared that phrase with Brian yet since he’s out of town and I HAVE to see his face when he first hears it.)

                • Okay, somehow I missed this my first time through, and I’m so glad I came back to read it, because that is my favorite thing I read all day. Also, I’m grateful this is my last day at work, because at some point, anal leakage just isn’t work appropriate.

                  Most of all? It turns out I’ve never truly understood what a hemorrhoid is.

                  • Congratulations on your last day of work!

                    Unless you have been fired? In which case . . . Fucking bastards!

                    Either way? Now you have more time for Pretty All True!

                    So it all works out.

                    Love you.

    • So what you’re saying is go ahead and buy the Dentek, right? You’re endorsing those flossers, right? Kidding!

      I think this is my favorite post EVER!! That is one funny story – not many people can claim to be stabbed in the ass by a flosser. And then also stabbed in the finger. I’m going to start carrying them in my purse as a cheap, but effective, weapon.

      As for Grandpa Robin? Is it me or is his neck creepishly long and skinny?

      • I am so happy to have made you giggle at my expense!

        And Grandpa Robin’s neck is freakishly long and slender, and then his head is all weirdly gigantic.

        How could I have ever loved him?

    • OH MY FUCKING SHIT I FUCKING LOVE YOU! Are you making this shit up? I know you’re not because nobody could just make that up. Just so you know that post just made me feel like a complete loser about Jeb and the butter man. One thing is for sure. I ABSOLUTELY WILL go and buy some dentek flossers just to see the hilarity. Don’t worry your pretty little head, I will not use them. Or put them in ANY of my pockets for that matter. Thanks for the warning. I cried and peed and left more lung chunks all over this post. Just so you know.

      • I am proud to report that like everything here in Pretty All True?

        This story is absolutely fucking true. You can ask Mark, who was the very first to snort and giggle at my expense. He despairs of me ever doing useful parenting-type posts on a regular basis. He loved yesterday, and then today?

        He is all sad and head-shaking at the title and my tags.

        It is apparently quite difficult to be married to me.

        • I would so fucking marry the shit out of you! And no I don’t mean that in a lesbian fashion. You and me would laugh and be merry and say fuck a lot and mock eachother. It would be great.

          • Mark is on board with everything except the mocking. He did not imagine, all those years ago, that I would get more mockful as time passed.

            I believe I may have to include the word “mockful” in an upcoming post title.

            You and I? I believe we would make an excellent pair.

            • Also? If you were to marry “the shit” out of me?

              We would be able to turn to Axel, the new face of anal bleaching, for assistance with the resulting anal stainage.

              You people crack me up.

              • Yep. I’m sayin! Me, you and Axel, all together, making memories with mocking and debauchery and butt bleaching.

                Axel! Bust out the popcorn and the bleach! That Lee kid and the girl with the effed up grill are on!!! Oh shit! Get the dentex too! We might need to get our torture on!

                • Ummmm . . . if we eat popcorn? We are going to need floss.

                  But not that Dentek shit, because I have heard bad things.

                  • Axel

                    Hawt… Barb just told me we have that Dentek shit but the girls use it.

                    Who’s gonna do the bleaching? Count me out. I kinda sorta remember my youth and it didn’t include a white asshole. I’m white enough and ask Barb, she’ll verify I’m an asshole. Nope, don’t need my ass burnt by chemicals. Not that anything’s gonna happen “backstage” on my part.

                    Clive needs to post! Where’s Clive!!!

                    • Axel?

                      I love you, no matter the color of your private “backstage” areas.

                      But Clive? Clive is all kinds of scared. He will not be posting comments.