I am not going to go on and on about American Idol, because frankly? I am enormously annoyed that Crystal did not win. This despite the fact that I did not vote even once. Lee, as far as I am concerned, sings like a paint salesman.
For those of you who have never watched the show? Lee Dewyze is in fact a paint salesman.
And people? Over the years? The paint salesmen who I have seen break into song?
They suck.
So we are watching the finale last night, and it is just so dreadful that I can’t stand it. I get all antsy when dreadful is parading about in front of me, screeching like a stabbed cat and wearing glittery sequins. I could not sit still.
So I keep sneaking out of the room. The group-sings? Kill me now.
The girls keep screaming for me to come back, because there is some hilarious shit going on, and they can’t believe that I am missing it.
“Mom, get in here! Hurry! This is so funny! Hurry!”
“What? Are they announcing the winner?”
The girls are giddy with snorting disdainful judgmental delight, and their words tumble out all on top of one another, “No, but this is so funny! There are some horrible old men singing! I think they are the contestants’ grandpas!!! You do not want to miss this! Hurry! It is sooooooo funny! They are horrible!”
So I hurry in, because who doesn’t want to enjoy some musical grandpa humiliation?
If you saw the show, you already know that the horrible old grandpas humiliating themselves on stage for my daughters’ viewing pleasure?
The fucking Bee Gees, that’s who.
People? I am fucking old.
And by the way? So are the Bee Gees (Yes, I know that Maurice is dead. It was just Barry and Robin last night).
When crazy liver-spotted grandpas are singing, “How Deep is Your Love?” in falsetto little boy voices? It is better to close your eyes and just listen.
Because otherwise you will get all creeped out. Especially if you focus on Grandpa Robin.
Yikes.
I am old. But I wake this morning filled with youthful excitement about posting here on Pretty All True about dental floss! Seriously, because I have an important floss public service announcement to make.
And then I remember that I am all old and shit, and I am thinking that writing about dental floss will do little to rejuvenate me in your eyes.
Because who writes about dental floss?
Grandmas, that’s who.
Fuck it.
In an attempt to save a few pennies the other day, I purchased Dentek Floss Picks instead of my normal Crest Glide Floss Picks.
Because I figured that it would be pretty hard to fuck up a floss pick.
I could not have been more wrong.
I will now list the ways in which Dentek has fucked up . . . And I will use big letters so that the old folks among you can read my complaints without squinting.
Floss is supposed to have a waxy coating.
Who the fuck doesn’t know this? Dentek, that’s who.
This shit is rough and dry and horrid. The only way Dentek’s floss will glide happily between your teeth is if you start your flossing regimen by chewing a candle.
Floss is supposed to fit between your teeth.
Who the fuck doesn’t know this? Dentek, that’s who.
Is there a segment of the flossing population with teeth so widely spaced that they could insert a butter knife into those spaces? Because Dentek floss would be perfect for them. Except, obviously, people who can floss with butter knives do not need floss.
Floss is supposed to be thin.
Who the fuck doesn’t know this? Dentek, that’s who.
If you imagine perfect floss as a lovely silken and nearly invisible strand? Dentek’s floss would be packing twine.
Floss is not supposed to unravel as you use it.
Who the fuck doesn’t know this? Dentek, that’s who.
Like the aforementioned twine, Dentek’s floss falls apart as you use it, leaving little bits of shredded twine in your mouth.
Floss is not supposed to break when you use it.
Who the fuck doesn’t know this? Dentek, that’s who.
Any money I may have saved in making this purchase? More than spent on the use of extra floss picks, because these stupid things break at the slightest resistance.
Floss is not supposed to not only shred and break, but then get stuck between your teeth.
WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T KNOW THIS? Dentek, that’s who.
So imagine me, last night, trying to force another of these Dentek motherfuckers between my teeth in order to remove the floss left there by the last motherfucking Dentek flosser. I was not happy.
Attention, Dentek: Floss that gets stuck between your teeth is the opposite of floss.
Fuck.
Ok, so this morning, I wanted to tell you about the hideous Dentek floss, so I grabbed one of the little beastly flossers and shoved it in my back pocket. So that I would have it next to me for inspiration as I typed.
(I just want to be sure that we are all in agreement that Dentek should have envisioned a world in which an individual flosser might have been placed in a back pocket.)
I pour myself a cup of coffee, head downstairs, and sit down at my computer.
At which point I am stabbed in the fucking ass by the sharp pick point of the Dentek flosser. My ass? Stabbed and bleeding.
Floss is not supposed to come linked to a tool so sharp that a user might potentially be stabbed in the ass, causing leakage of blood and no small amount of anguish.
Who the fuck doesn’t know this? Dentek, that’s who.
So my pants are around my ankles and I am dabbing at my ass with a tissue and I am whirling about in order to catch a glimpse of my injured ass in the mirror. It is a small painful injury. A puncture wound.
Take a note, Dentek: Flossers should not cause puncture wounds of any sort.
Pants back on, and I am fired up. Before, I was thinking I might just mention the hideous floss, but now? It is motherfucking on. Bring it, motherfucking Dentek! Bring it!
So with pants back on, I head back to my computer. I remember just in time that the flosser is still in my back pocket. Because if I had sat down and been ass-stabbed again? That would have been on me. Ass-stab me once? Your fault. Ass-stab me twice? I am a fucking idiot.
So I stop and I reach back to remove the flosser from my pocket. Reach into my pocket all carefree and shoving, as my pocket is not generally a dangerous place.
And people? I am stabbed again. The motherfucking Dentek flosser stabs me again! In the finger. But not just in the finger . . . it slides its shiv-like self up and under the fingernail of my right ring finger. So that as I remove my hand from my pocket in horror?
The Dentek flosser is hanging from my finger.
I remove it.
And there is blood. Plus pain. Plus mental anguish and humiliation.
Floss is not supposed to come attached to a torture device.
Who the fuck doesn’t know this? Dentek, that’s who.
Is there a segment of the flossing population who not only needs to floss, but who then must also extract secret information from bad guys by separating fingernails from fingers?
Really, Dentek? Really?
OK, to sum up:
1) DO NOT BUY DENTEK FLOSSERS, as they are ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP.
(I just typed that they were “ucked up,” and had to fix it. Why? Because I am typing with only nine fingers today . . . fucking Dentek.)
2) BUY ANOTHER FLOSSER INSTEAD. I am partial to Crest Easy-Glide. I need to go to Target later today.
3) And Grandpa Robin? Fucking creepy.
Plus also? My ass and my finger?
Ow.
Oh sweet god with the anal bleaching. That is poisonous to my soul.
Also, fucking dental tape – have you heard of this? It’s like a swath of fabric you’re supposed to glide between your hillbilly gap teeth. Fucking bastards with their tiny labeling.
I do not know of this dental tape of which you speak.
It sounds sticky and unpleasant.
No, no, dental tape is awesome! No sticky. It’s all I use.
I will check at Target later this evening.
I am dubious.
have a little faith – it’s all glidey and shit and it pulls out of a dogs asshole really smooth!
I am awarding another award for words strung together in a comment in such a way that I spit beer onto my computer monitor and Mark gets all pissed off.
For this:
Dental tape is all glidey and shit and it pulls out of a dogs asshole really smooth!
How have I lived this long without you people in my life?
OMG! Sooooo much to add to this post.
1. I was happy Lee won. I thought he did wonderful last week (Simple Man). Just like someone in your comments said, Crystal and her teeth bug me. I am shallow like that.
2. You are soooo right about Dentak. That stuff is evil. I cannot tell you how many times I have injured myself using those…although I must say never my ass.
3. Have you ever tried oil pulling? Google it, if you do this then you do not have to floss, best stuff ever for your teeth.
4. I LOVE how your girls will tie the normal dental floss in their room, trying to booby trap everything. That’s a classic.
Your points one at a time.
1) I want to be sure that I understand. White teeth trumps singing ability?
2) Where were you when I was trying to save 37 cents in the dental hygiene aisle at Target?
3) I am going to assume that you are pulling my leg with the oil pulling. I googled and found this:
What problems arise during Oil Pulling Therapy?
(a) Oil does not become watery or thin even after 30 minutes, and it appears the oil is being absorbed and it reduces in quantity
(b) Nose block due to accumulation of mucus
(c) Sneezing and coughing
(d) Phlegm in the throat gets loose and comes into the mouth
(e) Urge to pass urine or stools.
(f) Oil does not become watery because there is inadequate salivation and mouth is dry. In most cases, it happens in the morning and in some cases evening also. Under normal circumstances oil will not get absorbed in the mouth. A main reason is lack of adequate salivation due to lack fluids in a body. In all such cases, you must drink two or three glasses of water, go for a walk of 30 to 45 minutes and do Oil Pulling Therapy after returning.
(f) To avoid nose block during Oil Pulling Therapy wash, clean and blow your nose before starting Oil Pulling Therapy. Slowly blow out a nose to clear while holding the oil in the mouth. Repeat if necessary as you continue Oil Pulling Therapy.
(g) Sensation/irritation may cause sneezing or coughing while doing Oil Pulling Therapy. Do Oil Pulling Therapy slowly in a relaxed state to avoid such an irritation. StOil Pulling Therapy pulling and relax as irritation or sensation to sneeze is felt. It will subside. You can sneeze or cough while holding oil in a mouth. If you have to sneeze or cough through mouth do it in the sink or some such place to avoid oil driblets spray all over or cover mouth with tissue paper.
(h) If phlegm comes into the mouth, making pulling inconvenient, spit and do pulling with fresh oil again.
(i) Urge to urinate or pass stools will arise only if you have not gone through natures calls before Oil Pulling Therapy. In all cases of urge to pass stools or urinate during Oil Pulling Therapy, the best is to relax on the commode and do Oil Pulling Therapy.
You are kidding me, right?
And finally . . .
4) Thank you. Mark and I are very proud of the girls and their warrior skills.
This post is being shared with several of my peeps because I can’t stop laughing.
Thank you! I love unstoppable giggling!
Yes, please! Share with the peeps!
Have I lost my effing mind (entirely possible this week…hell, any week really)? I thought your responses to comments normally emailed the person back…via the WordPress threading thingy (so technical, huh?). I stopped back over here to make sure Supah and Ian commented (they did…super (or “supah”) cool bloggers!) and saw that you had responded to my comment. I thought for sure I had gotten responses in email before, but either I lost my mind, or something is screwy. And if I’ve lost my mind, I need to know. It’s kinda important.
Thank you for sending some readers my way! Much love for you, Kmama!
As for emails on comment responses . . . I will have to get my Tech Support guy on that. I will email you separately.
And if it turns out you have lost your mind? I find that some of my most fabulous thoughts are of the mindless sort. So it’s all good.
LoL, oh my gosh, what link were you looking at?!?!?!
Here,http://www.naturalnews.com/025578_oil_pulling_health_learning.html
http://www.coconutresearchcenter.org/article%20oil%20pulling.htm
Seriously, it really works and it is a great moisturizer and even lubricant,but you probably did not need to know that.
As far as Crystal…and her teeth….I just do not understand why no one ever though to whiten her teeth, ya know when they do their makeovers, but aside from that, I like Lee’s style better, the raspy voice, almost like Daughtry, where as Crystal is more like a Janis Joplin,still good, but not my thing.
I have never ever heard of oil pulling. I will read your link.
As for American Idol results? We will have to agree to disagree.
Because you are so wrong.
HELLLLOO..we have not met
and i do believe i love you
oxo
supah
New love is the most intoxicating of all!
And you are Supah?
I am all a-swoon.
Love, love, love this post! And the comments! I’m still wiping tears from my eyes. How can a post about floss be so fricken’ funny?? You MUST be a magical writer.
Honestly? I have the best, most hilarious readers in the history of blogging.
Pretty all sure.
Love you as well!
I am cracking up over here, I was reading your last comment in reply to mine, where you said “Because you are so wrong” but at first I read it as “Because you are so young” which made me all happy and giddy, until I realized, nope, she said I was wrong.
I am sure that you are young.
But also? Wrong.
OMG you just sent me into labor (not really but she does not like me laughing this hard and is giving me contractions LOL). My Daughter and Husband are looking at me like I’m a mad woman. Because I’m laughing so hard I’m crying My 2 year old just patted my knee and said “It will be ok mommy!”. You crack my shit up!
P.S. Crystal is grew up 40 minuets from me and she is HUGE in my area so I agree she should have won.
P.P.S. I just wanted to write PPS and feel like I was passing a not in high school again.
I am so happy that I am not the only one giggling hysterically and out of control . . . although I am so not pregnant.
Be careful, young lady!
P.S. Crystal should have won.
P.P.S. At lunchtime? I am so going to walk past Johnny and see if he smiles at me! I think he likes me. Do you think he likes me?
Check here________ for yes. Or Check here__________for no.
But don’t check no.
“Note” not “Not”. And I’m not down a finger due to Dentek!
This is some seriously funny shit. Kmama sent me over. Glad we have the same sense of humor. Sick.
And as for AI. Who gives a fuck, they all suck as far as I’m concerned. Freebird anyone?
Hey, new sick reader!
I agree that all of the contestants sucked. Crystal slightly less. But after an entire season of watching AI with my daughters?
I did not expect the paint guy to take it.
American Public? Fucking idiots.
Tell them I said so.
Kris,
I don’t want to alarm you but American Idol issued a media release saying that Alice Cooper, Joe Cocker and the 2BBGs (two breathing BeeGees) were GREAT in rehearsals. Then tragedy struck before the show went to air.
Alice was sorting through his celeb goodie basket and he found the Dentek, just under the Rolex watch and bag of Meth.
Alice being Alice, thought it would be funny to run a trip wire backstage, across the door when Joe Cocker was enjoying a sing-a-long with the 2RBGs. About then Alice screams “FIRE. GET OUT. WE’RE GONNA DIE.
In the chaos, the unwaxed floss was entangled in the 2RBGs unwaxed chest hairs. The Dentek stabby thingy pierced Joe’s vocal cords. And Alice was impaled on his cane, which caused serious anal seepage.
The fact that these great legends of rock were able to take the stage AT ALL was testament to the Meth in their celeb goodie baskets.
Oh yeah. The Idol media release said that anyone being pierced by a Dentek pokey thingee would likely experience serious blog discharge that would sound very much like a paint salesman, without immediate treatment.
You might orta have that looked at…
Bill
I am all giggly over my first cup of coffee. And normally? A second cup is required before there can be laughter.
I have readers leaving me comments that are funnier than the posts I am writing for Pretty All True!
Oh, but wait. That’s fucked up. People are going to visit your blogs and leave me.
Adrienne? Bill?
QUIT TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME!!!!
I can’t even handle how hilarious this is – especially as someone who knows the trials and tribulations a girl goes through when having a love affair with dental floss.
Love isn’t always pretty.
No, love is not always pretty.
Sometimes it stabs you in the ass and hurts your finger. And then you throw his shit out on the front porch because you are not having it! Do you hear? I am not that sort of girl! Get away from me with your ass-stabbing abusive shit!
But then he is so cute and all sorry in the front yard with his things strewn around.
Before you know it? You are on Jerry Springer. Because FYI? He’s been fucking the neighbor and your sister as well.
And the audience boos and hates you, and you get all sad because they don’t understand, and . . .
What?
Never mind.
I just started reading your blog yesterday and I must say I am a little bit in love. I don’t think I can read it at work anymore because I keep laughing out load in my cube. People are going to think I am crazy (or realize I am not working, oops).
Ugh, loud not load.
Snort!
Happy sighs . . . I love to be loved.
You should never worry about others thinking that our giggling love means you have lost your sanity. Temporary loss of sanity due to laughter is a lovely thing.
Loss of employment? Less pleasant.
Be careful. Shhhhhhhh.
Whee! First post to hit 100+ replies. Your top 2 posts relate to anal leakage and menstruation. How awesome is THAT!
Clive was all worried about porn. Please, you’re doing just fine treading the line between gross and disturbing. I must admit that Roxane was the first person to ever offer me a 3-way in “…making memories with mocking and debauchery and butt bleaching.” I swear you surround yourself with the strangest of friends. Thanks ‘cuz I love it!
<3 it (kinda looks like butt cheeks, but it's a heart)
If today’s post is as popular? My top three would then be anal leakage, menstruation, and bondage.
Like a dream, that would be. Not likely, though.
Not as many people read on Fridays. Sigh.
Ok I enjoy reading your blog everyday, but omg today you have slayed me. Between the anal leakage, anal bleeding and anal stabbing I can’t catch my breath. I hope I can start breathing again soon, so I can get on with my day. But if not, at least I will go out with a smile on my face and laughing at someone else’s misfortune…..because seriously who doesn’t love a good laugh about anal mishaps?
I am all enamored of people who have been slayed.
But not in a necrophiliac sort of way. Because if you were actually dead?
Not so much love.
But you are alive and commenting! And so I love you, slayed one.