Quondam

Unicorn Love

Today I am going to tell the story of how I thought maybe a man with unicorns was my brother.

The story ends with us being completely not related, so don’t get scared.

There is a happy ending, I promise.

But ewwwww . . . not that kind of happy ending.  With a unicorn man?  I am all creeped out that your minds would even go there.

Focus, people!

Once upon a time, there was a giantly talented and famous blogger who was perhaps a tiny bit insane.

No, this part is not about me (although I am a giantly talented blogger who may be a tiny bit insane).  This is a true story.  With unicorns.  And people, you can tell that this “Once upon a time” is not going to be a true story about me, because . . . hello? . . . I am so not fucking famous yet.  Did I not tell you to focus?

OK, so once upon a time there was a giantly talented and famous blogger who was perhaps a tiny bit insane.  She wrote a story about going fishing with her father that made me laugh so hard I actually fell out of my chair and rolled on the floor crying and laughing and snorting.  And that?  Just never happens to me.  So I fell all swoony in love with this blogger, who I will give the alias of Allie.

And then, not long after I fell in love with Allie, she got all sad and depressed and posted about how she might need to take a mental health break from our relationship.

OK, why do people always say that to me?  If they loved me?  They would not need to take a mental health break from me.

But Allie needed a break.  And because I loved her, I left a comment on her blog telling her that I loved her and that she should come check out the post where I mentioned her and expressed my undying love for her.

OK, and people?  If you go back and check that post?  You will see that I didn’t actually name Allie, because she is so gifted I figured everyone would stop reading my blog and head over to hers.  And I wanted to keep my audience for myself and also keep Allie my special secret love.

Sometimes love works that way – all chokey and selfish.

OK, here is the good part!

A man named Ben saw my comment on Allie’s blog and came to visit mine.  And he left a comment!  I was all happy!  A new reader!

And then I read his comment, which agreed that Allie was talented and suggested that I should do more to share her genius with the world.

What the fuck?

So I commented back, full of hatred and bitterness:

BEN — Ok, I have approved your comment, but you are pissing me off. Proper etiquette would suggest that you say at least one thing nice about me before you go all gaga over Allie. Geez.

And then?  Even after I was all hateful?  Ben came back!

This is when I first began to suspect that we were related.  My family is filled with people who mistake abuse for candy.

And then I visited Ben’s blog, and I became convinced that he was one of my brothers.

Ben’s blog is like nothing I have ever seen.  There is a meadow and there are unicorns.  And there is a whiteboard.  It is all fucking kinds of genius.

Other animals stop by to visit, and sometimes there are vacations to other lands . . . but basically?  Ben’s blog is a meadow filled with unicorns.  And there is a whiteboard.

IT IS ALL FUCKING KINDS OF GENIUS.

My brothers are all fucked-up twisted geniuses, so obviously Ben was one of my brothers. (I got an A in my college Logic class, can you believe it?).  Plus?   My brothers are not so much about the use of regular methods of communication.  They would so start a blog in order to have unicorns tell me to fuck off.

So I approached the unicorns with caution, in case they decided to use their pointy horns for evil.

I visited the Whiteboard Unicorns often, because they are adorable and delightful and sassy and innocent and incredibly addictive.  Each time I visited?  I was a teeny bit scared that this time would be the time that my brother Ben had the Unicorns re-enact pieces of my childhood that I wasn’t yet ready to share.  Each time, I was a teeny bit afraid that this would be the time that one of the Unicorns turned from the white board and told me to fuck off for writing stuff about our family in Pretty All True.

But that never happened!  Each time there were unicorns in a meadow.  On a whiteboard.

Seriously, people?  All kinds of fucking genius.

So I relaxed.  I allowed myself to love Ben and his unicorns without fear.

And then Ben told me that he was going to give me an award.

I was immediately alert and terrified . . . Ben was going to rip his unicorn face off and reveal himself!  People?  I was all kinds of scared.

I went back to check the unicorns in case they were preparing a bonfire for the joyful sister sacrifice.  But there were just happy innocent unicorns in a meadow.  On a whiteboard.  Genius, I tell you.

I was still worried.  Those blogger awards generally come with strings, and I couldn’t even imagine what sort of crazy marionette dance of craziness my brother had devised to make me squirm.

It was hard to hold my bated breath for the next several days until the award arrived, but that’s what I did.  I waited with bated breath to see what would happen next.

And then I got the award!

And it is the best award I have ever seen!  Check it out:

Awesomeness, right?

And in the accompanying note?  Ben said this:

Hi Kris,

You have received the Unicorn Rainbow award :) There are no catches. I just enjoy reading your blog!

Ben.

Wait?  No catches?

I just get an award?  Because he likes me?

People?  Ben is not family.

Which I am sure he will be relieved to hear.

And Ben’s blog?  Unicorns in a meadow.  On a whiteboard.

It is all kinds of fucking genius.

I am so proud to have gotten this award, I cannot even tell you.  Especially now that it turns out to be all innocent and pure and lovely.  Unicorns are like that.

See? A happy ending!

But not that sort – why must your minds always go to the unicorn porn?

This award is just a pure and heartfelt gesture of love and admiration.

Unless it contains a virus that crashes my blog and ruins the internet for all of you.

In which case?

Hi, Ben!

My brother!

    44 comments to Unicorn Love

    • “unicorn man” – Yepp. My mind went right there. LOL !!

      Enjoyed the blog very much. Found you through a Twitter FF. Hope you don’t mind, Ive added your blog to my blog roll.

      Holly

      • Welcome! Always glad to have new readers who love me!

        Much better than the other kind.

        And blog roll away! Fucking love that!

    • Unicorns? Whiteboards?

      I’m in.

    • That award is complete awesomeness.

      • I know! It is a one of a kind award!

        Right, Ben?

        Right?

        • It has been suggested elsewhere that Unicorn Man will eventually turn on me (as all Unicorn Men are apparently wont to do).

          But I refuse to believe it. Our love is REAL and PURE.

          And it will always be so.

    • This post has sent me into lala land. I sat for a good thirty seconds zoned out. Totally blank. I really can’t figure out why though. Weird-ness.

      One thing I know for sure, though? You are my “Allie”. I love you in spite of the fact that this post just stun gunned me.

      Congrats on the award! Love those with no strings.

      • Perhaps it was the hint of dysfunctional sibling love?

        Or the suspected blogger-stalking?

        Or the notion of unicorn porn?

        Or perhaps none of these . . . perhaps the idea of happy unicorns in a meadow on a whiteboard is just innately soothing.

        Like a stun gun . . . it soothes.

        • Or perhaps it was because I can barely read much less understand anything on this damn computer because my brain has evacuated. It did not enjoy yesterday. My kids sure as hell did, though.

          • Yes, I saw the damage. That was bad.

            Perhaps I could offer you some unicorns in a meadow?

            ZZzzzzzzzzzzttttttttttt . . . . there. All better.

    • CDG

      Kris, is so good to know that someone out there is capable of awarding you the award you so richly deserve!

      I know I will sleep better knowing that a unicornman who is not your brother, but IS a genius, has recognized your gifts.

      ‘Cause you’re awesome!

      See how I did that? I complimented you first to avoid scary rage-filled responses.And then I followed it up with a little brown-nosing.

      Oh, yes. I know how to play nice.

      Now I’m going to go spend some time in the unicorn meadow. That Ben is a GENIUS.

      • Scary rage-filled responses? I am all mushy with unicorn love today. My rage has melted.

        I do so love a little bit of brown-nosing, though.

        Well done, you!

        And Ben is a genius.

    • Axel

      At first I was all “WTF?” about Ben the “unicorn guy”. Now I’m still all “WTF?” as it’s innocent and clean. My dark and twisted mind doesn’t work that way. When I first saw his avatar, I thought it was some sort of slug with an antenna. Now I get it.

      If it’s not sick, twisted or perverted someway with a double-entendre… I’m slow on the up take.

      I love stories with a happy ending, just maybe not ones involving unicorns. Maybe fairies and pixies…

      Speaking of which, we’ll be going to Peter Pan next ( http://www.peterpantheshow.com ). We’ll let you know how it is. I hope there’s a happy ending.

      • I have the smallest bit of concern that Ben will not enjoy seeing his lovely innocent unicorns slightly pornned-up here on Pretty All True. You should see me on his blog . . . I have to bite my fingernails to keep from suggesting naughty unicorn antics. They are so incredibly G-rated!

        But Ben is not magic, and I don’t believe he has the ability to take his award back once I have put it in my blog.

        Also? If you did not mean to bring to mind happy double-entendre images of Peter Pan (the boy who never grew up) granting happy endings to fairies and pixies?

        Then you are a bit slow-ish today.

        And personally? I love a happy ending with a unicorn!

    • thenextmartha

      Congrats. You know how I feel about all kinds of fucking genius right?

    • Can I tell you that I pretty much find your blog fucking genius!! You are so me, when I’m a little bit older and a little bit wiser….I’m so glad to hear that saying fuck is still socially acceptable by other mothers…I was certain my 17 month old’s first word was going to be shit or hell..and possibly even fuck…he has totally uttered “shit” but it was after his dad said it…so it was okay. He hasn’t said it again, but I totally have to watch my f bombs now. Thank you for writing an awesome blog and giving me tons of reading entertainment during my full 30 minute break I get each day!!

      • You know what? In my real life? Totally G-rated. I swear.

        Blog is for thought bubbles, and my thought bubbles? Filled with cursing.

        I do have a lot of sarcastic attitude in my real life, which is rubbing off on my daughters. Yesterday, I asked my younger daughter to clean her room. She turned around, stuck her butt out at me, and said these words:

        “Talk to the booty, ’cause the hand’s off duty.”

        She makes me laugh so much.

        And I am so happy to hear that I make you laugh! That makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

        So fucking happy.

    • I am so not g rated. I have gone from definitely r to pg-13 and mostly pg now that D talks…but adult conversations away from my professional life are still r rated. I can’t help it. Nothing expresses how bad something is the same way a good curse. Word does. Of course nothing expresses how good something is as well as a curse word either…

      • Well, I meant that I am totally G-rated in the presence of children. And that is most of my life.

        But when my children are not around?

        Then it’s fucking on, baby. Totally fucking on.

        Because obscenities? They are like unicorns . . . magical and lovely.

        In the right company.

    • First, I discovered Allie, who hurts me with the funny almost (Hear that? ALMOST) as much as you. Then, a day or two later, I discovered you and read my first post which happened to be Metaphorical Bricks and I fell OH so deeply in ether love.

      But this? THIS is genius (SO many geniuses around here today!). Funny times eleventy to the Zth degree. UNICORN PORN – those two words should have been wedded to each other DECADES ago. Congratulations on your award – oh-so-well deserved, my funny funny friend.

      Sigh. I am all happy and soft with the post-comedic glow.

    • Holy wow. You & the Unicorn Man have improved my life!

      (Allie Brosh is so funny she makes me cry.)

      • I would like to spread the joy that is the Whiteboard Unicorns! So tell all of your friends.

        My new goal? To make people laugh until they cry so they do not mention the Allie tears by comparison to let me know that I am not quite that funny.

        Not that you meant that . . .

        But I have issues.

    • That is one of the shiniest, sparkliest awards I have ever seen.

      And ya know what? It’s the shiny, sparkly, clean-ness that makes the award so fitting for you.

      I don’t really know how anyone can top that award for you… It’s beautiful; as are you mah’ dear.

      Oh, and p.s. I lurrrrrrve Allie too.

      • It is the best award ever . . . I do not believe it can be topped.

        Sparkly clean pure Unicorn Rainbow Award! Is the best gift I have ever gotten.

    • Unicorn & porn go together like peanut butter & jelly…just kind of rolls off your tongue. My daughter, Elliott, just looked over at my screen and said, “Unicorn Love…humm…did you write that Mommy?” “No Sweetheart, not even close.”

      • The thought of you? Writing this? Makes me laugh soooooooo hard.

        You are an excellent writer, but your fingers would curl up and away from the keyboard if you tried to write unicorn porn.

        I do so love you.

    • I’m not going to lie, unicorns do seem remarkably phallic.

      I’m glad I found your blog…you crack me up!

      • So happy to be cracking you up!

        And I am pretty sure Ben is hip to the phallic nature of his creatures.

        Right, Ben?

    • Jen

      This is the best award ever. EVER! And thank you to introducing me to white board unicorns and a nut named Allie. More awesomeness to read while I’m avoid work. God I love this place. It’s like a secret room of joy I can escape to.

      • That’s what I am here for . . . to be your secret room of joy.

        And that? Is today’s winning string of words in a comment:

        It’s like a secret room of joy I can escape to.

        YAY!!