Maj has a cold. She is really pissed off about this. Because she uses hand sanitizer somewhat obsessively (and the rest of us do not), she is fairly confident there has been sabotage. She hates germs.
Also? Her ears are stuffed up, something I didn’t realize until about 20 minutes into a loud-talking morning.
“MOM?”
“Yeah?”
“I NEED MONEY FOR LUNCH TICKETS.”
“Ok.”
“I’M GOING TO EAT SOME YOGURT.”
“Whatever.”
“THE DOG IS EATING GRASS.”
“Ok.”
“YOU NEED TO SIGN A PAPER FOR MY TEACHER.”
“Ummmm . . . Maj?”
“YEAH?”
“Are you under the impression that you are using a normal speaking voice?”
“OF COURSE. THIS IS HOW I ALWAYS TALK.”
“Because you are kind of yelling everything.”
“OH, GREAT. SO NOW I CAN’T ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS AT SCHOOL, BECAUSE I WON’T BE ABLE TO TELL HOW LOUD MY VOICE IS AND I WILL BE SCREAMING EVERYTHING. THAT’S JUST GREAT.”
Kallan comes through and raises her hand.
“What, Kallan?”
“No, I’m not Kallan, I’m loud-talking Maj. AND THE ANSWER IS TWELVE!”
Kallan runs off giggling and Maj glares at me, “AREN’T YOU GOING TO PUNISH HER?”
“I did. You just didn’t hear me because your ears are all clogged up.”
“YOU ARE LYING, MOTHER.”
“Yes, well there’s that.”
“WHAT?”
“What?”
“AUGH! YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. OK, LISTEN. I AM GOING TO TRY TO TURN DOWN MY VOLUME, AND YOU TELL ME IF THIS VOICE WILL WORK FOR SCHOOL. READY?”
“Yes.”
“HOW ABOUT THIS VOICE? IS THIS A REGULAR VOICE?”
“Not even.”
“WHAT?”
“I said not even.”
“NOT EVEN WHAT?”
“Ok, Maj? It’s going to be a long day. Let me get you some Sudafed.”
“WHAT?”
I put my hands on her shoulders and steer her up the stairs. Give her the Sudafed and her allergy meds. In the small enclosed space of the bathroom, she can hear me better.
“SO WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO HEAR EVERYTHING AT THE RIGHT VOLUME AGAIN?”
“I think this should help in about a half hour or so, but your ears are probably going to bother you all day.”
“GREAT.”
She turns to leave, but then turns back, “CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THE ZIPPER ON THESE PANTS? IT’S STUCK.”
Kallan yells from the other room, “That’s because somebody is all kinds of fat!”
“WHAT DID SHE SAY?”
I yell back so that Kallan can hear me, “Kallan said that she wants to do your chores later and what do you think of that?”
Kallan squeals and runs downstairs.
“THAT’S NOT WHAT SHE SAID, IS IT?”
“Nope.”
“HAVING KALLAN FOR A SISTER IS WAY MORE WORK THAN IT OUGHT TO BE.”
“Sorry about that.”
“WHAT?”
“Your sister can be a pain. I know.”
“NO, I DON’T THINK IT’S SUPPOSED TO RAIN.”
Sigh.
I have agreed to drive them to school this morning. It’s a very short drive, and they are silent. As we pull up to the drop-off area, they leap from the car.
I wave after them, “Bye, ladies! Have a great day!”
Kallan grunts and runs off.
Maj turns, waves, “BYE, MOM! DON’T FORGET . . .”
And then she realizes she is yelling and runs off without finishing her sentence.
My ears? Are not all fucked up.
But yesterday? There was a moment when I wished that I was not hearing what I was hearing.
I have mentioned elsewhere that many years ago, I let Maj name our new Labrador puppy. She chose Persie, after a character in a book she liked at the time. I thought it was the perfect name. However, Persie’s name was forever ruined for me by a friend who long ago asked me how I could stand having my two lispy little girls (at that time ages 1 and 3) run around our back yard screaming for “pussy.”
Once someone tells you that calling your dog makes you sound like you are screaming for pussy?
It’s difficult to ever hear Persie again. The dog’s name is Pussy, and calling her name in public is all kinds of inappropriate and embarrassing.
Sigh.
So that has been big fun here at our new house where children live on all sides of our back yard. Persie the Labrador loves them all and happily runs from one side of the yard to the other to greet them as they scream for her, “Pussy, come here, Pussy! Here girl! Treat, Pussy! I have a treat for you, Pussy!”
Sigh.
I have had to clearly enunciate the name PERSIE for more than one confused and startled mom
So fun.
There is a little boy in the neighborhood who loves our smaller badly behaved dog Jack. For some reason, he sometimes calls the dog Jacket. Cute, right?
Yesterday, Kallan is in the back yard with 3 or 4 kids, and both dogs are out there as well. The little boy who loves Jack is on the deck, trying to get the dog to jump up onto a chair, “Jacket up! Up, Jacket! Jacket, Up!”
And in the background the rest of the kids are playing some sort of keep-away ball game with the Labrador that requires them to scream her name endlessly.
So I am sitting on the couch, trying to read a book, and all I hear is this . . .
Jacket, Up! Pussy! Jacket, Up! PUSSY! JACKET, UP! PUSSY! PUSSY! JACKET, UP! JACKETUPPUSSY JACKETUPPUSSY JACKETUPPUSSY JACKETUPPUSSY! JACKETUPPUSSY! JACKETUPPUSSY!
Jacked-up pussy.
Sigh.
Also, you know that thing Maj was trying to tell me not to forget as she headed off to school?
Neither do I.
Not a clue.
Just finished wiping the tears off my face…that is funny stuff!!
My son says “fuck” instead of fork. So we get “Mom, I need a fuck”. Okay at home, not so much at a restaurant!
By the way – grabbed your button to proudly display on the new button page I just put up on my site!
The list of humiliating stories is never-ending . . . Kallan went through a stage in which, when she was thwarted in any way?
She would say, “I am not touching your hand (or the cart or the bag of peas of the cup or the fork or whatever) because you PUT IT UP YOUR BUTT!”
Do you know the looks you get when your 6 year old is accusing you in a loud strident of having put her hat up your butt?
I have weird children.
this is gonna be my excuse for not getting a doggie this summer… im happy as can be
It was not my aim to encourage you to avoid pet ownership!
Go get that puppy!
A little girl . . . you can name her Vulva.
I once worked with a guy named Dick Handler. No joke. Making it more horrible, he looked like Papa Smurf.
I don’t think this actually has anything to do with your post. But what the hell. My dogs names are Gable and Garbo. Can’t really eff those up.
Dick Handler is bad. Very bad.
Can anyone top that?
Once again, I cannot buh-LIEVE the Internet filter doesn’t block you! but thank goodness it doesn’t!
My dad wouldn’t let us name our pets things like “Fluffy” because he didn’t want to sound like an idiot calling for them if they ever got lost. Had to be people names. So we had a bunch of pets named after our TV crushes, like Zack (Saved By the Bell) and Joey (Blossom.)
All of our pets had people names when I was a kid.
When my little sister got rabbits that were her pets? She named them Blackie and Fluffy and Spotty, because she was so tired of our family being so odd.
The rabbit names? Did not make us more normal.
And you had a crush on ZACH? First of all, you are way young.
And also? Ewwww.
I’m surrounded by BJs. My husband, my son, even part-time dog are all called that or have the initials BJ. I refuse to yell for the dog or use TJ instead. And my initials? BS.
Truth.
Hee hee!
That’s pretty excellent!
Most excellent I must say. Sorry I missed this earlier! The world would be a far better place if more women were outside yelling for BJ’s.
I’m now wondering what our neighbors thought when I was outside yelling for our dog, TJ. ‘TJ! TJ!!! GET IN HERE! COME ON! MOMMY HAS A TREAT FOR YOU!” No wonder I am not invited over to the neighbor’s pool. They must have misunderstood.
Did I mention that the ‘J’ stood for Jack’s; part of an inappropriately long name for a dog? And yes; he was all jacked up. At least he was a wanna be. He lost that right very early on.
Our dog is named Huey P. Long. For the former Governor of Louisiana. A lot of nicknames out of this one, but mainly I just call him Huey Puey.
Well, that’s just cute.
Way cute.
Similar story over here. Sunday. Dog’s name was Prissy, they called it Persie, I corrected them, then they called it pussy. Hmmm. Better yet it was similar to one of those asthma suckers. This is not the dog but a picture of the breed. EEEEVIL. http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/9b16b19c314eafef287e69d51e2c4ce59d213b50_m.jpg My step-brother is dog-sitting “Prissy” for a friend who is on vacation. Creepy damn dog.
That photo? That is like a demonic minion of Satan disguised as pussy.
That happens sometimes, I have heard.
That photo? IS creepy! I believe your opinion of the demonic minion is correct.
Should you or any of your readers see this dog? Run the hell away!!!
No fucking fair!!!
Your request http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/9b16b19c314eafef287e69d51e2c4ce59d213b50_m.jpg was denied because of its content categorization: “Entertainment;Nudity”
Stupid work computer, why can’t I surf for porn at work!!! Seriously, how am I supposed to do “research” (as Kris calls it) if I can’t view it?!
Bwahahahahaha! I know the award is yours to give, but if it were up to me you would win the “best string of words in a comment award” for Demonic minion of Satan disguised as pussy. You’re my favorite.
Hee hee!
You set me up so nicely.
I love when that happens!
BTW check my latest post if you want to see a picture of the Demonic Minion of Satan and the step brother with Lily. That dog is pretty all fucked up. That shit ain’t right.
Wait… are you upset by this? Because I think it’s obviously awesome and a sign from God that your children are going to grow up and write humorous essay collections, and will thank you for their millions of dollars.
That’s true!
I have certainly found the market for humorous essay collections to be enormously lucrative.
Snort.
Not only that? But if they refuse to open their loving arms to their caring parents? They can buy you a ginormous mansion fully staffed. Including someone to change your diapers! BWAAHAAA!!!
BYE, MAJ!!! HAVE A FUN DAY AT SCHOOL!!! BE SURE TO USE YOUR INDOOR VOICE WHEN YOU GET HOME!!
MOMMY WILL BE ALL WORN OUT FROM WATCHING SOAPS, EATING ICE CREAM, AND NAPPING!!!
BUT SHE SAYS IT’LL BE JUST FINE FOR YOU TO GO OUT AND YELL FOR JACK AND PERSIE!! IN FACT? SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT WHEN YOU GO OUTSIDE AND YELL INAPPROPRIATE THINGS! SHE’LL BE IN THE PAPER EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY!!!
LOVE YOU!! BYE!!!!!!!
My FIL has a dog that he named “Hawkeye”…when hollared, it sounds like “HOT GUY!” So people are constantly asking him why he’s calling out for a hot guy. snort.
Pussy is better than hot guy.
Um, well, I meant funnier …I’ll just walk away from that.
And you? Win the belated award for best words strung together in a comment for this . . .
Pussy is better than hot guy.
I am all giggly!