Park Here Now

We are in the car, heading to lunch in downtown Portland.

We can see the restaurant . . . well, we can’t see it constantly, because we keep driving the fuck past it.  There it is again.  There it is again.  There it is again.

Oh my fucking god.

We need a parking space.

Mark is driving.  Duh.  Because if I was driving?  We would so already be fucking parked.

And there are invisible people in the car.  Duh.

The in-law visit is going well, by the way.

Mark is talking as he drives.  LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.

“Is that a parking space?”

“No.”

“Is that a parking space?”

“No.”

“Is he leaving?”

“No.”

“Is that a parking space?”

“No . . . it’s a loading zone.”

“Do you see a parking space?”

“No.  Go into the lot.”

“Is that a parking space?”

“No.  Why did you just drive past the lot?”

“That’s only monthly parking.  Is that a parking space?”

“No.  And the lot said Park Here Now.  Why would it say that if you couldn’t park there now?”

“They mean you can park here now for a month.  Is that a parking space?”

“No, that’s a loading zone.  And that’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard . . . Park here now for a month. Like they won’t give our car back after lunch.”

And we pass the restaurant again.

“Is this a one way street?”

“Yes.”

“Is this a one way street?”

“Yes.”

“Well, where can I turn then?”

“Which way do you want to go?  They are one-way streets in opposite directions.”

“You didn’t tell me that.  Is that a parking space?”

“Oh my god, no it is not.  Where are you going to park?”

“I have not been looking long.  I want to find a close space so that we do not have to walk far.  Is that a parking space?”

“No.”

“Let me wait a minute and see if he’s leaving.”

“Babe!  You are in the middle of the intersection!  You cannot stop here!  YOU CANNOT STOP HERE!”

“OK, but is he leaving?”

“No, and we are going to die.”

“We are not going to die.  Ok, so if he is getting in his car, we could park there.  But if he is not leaving, then there is still no parking here.  Keep your eyes open.”

“My eyes?  They are open, babe.”

“OK, does he look like he is leaving?”

“No.  Here’s the lot again.  Park in the lot.”

“I’m checking on this side of the road for a parking space, and that lot is for monthly parking.  It says so right there.”

“That’s for the other entrance.  This entrance right here?  The one that says Park Here Now? You could so park there now.”

“Is that a parking space?”

“Why do you keep asking me that?  There are no parking spaces!”

“Do you think I can fit there?”

“No, that’s like half the size of our car.’

“So you don’t think I could fit there?”

“No.  Why are you driving past the lot again?”

“I don’t think you can park in there.”

“Oh my god.  Let’s just go get a Happy Meal.”

“Why are you so impatient?  I am just trying to find us a parking space.”

And we pass the restaurant again.

“Maybe if we drive this way, we will find something.”

“Whatever.”

“Is this a one-way street?”

“Yes.”

“I’m trying to orient myself.  If we got out of the car here, where would the restaurant be?”

“Back there, where we left it.”

“Is that a parking space?”

“No.”

“Is she leaving?”

“No.”

“Is that a parking space?”

“Where?”

“Right over there.”

“ACK!!!  Babe!  Red light!  STOP!”

“Ok, but right there.  Is that a parking space?”

“No.”

“OK, I am going to drive really slowly, and you tell me if you see any spaces.”

“THERE ARE NO SPACES. Go around the block and park in the lot.”

“Is that a parking space?”

“Why do you keep saying that?  There are no parking spaces.”

“All of these people parked.  There are parking spaces.  We just have to find one.”

“Oh my god.”

“Is that a parking space?”

“Yes, but it’s in a 20 minute zone.”

“That’s not enough time, is it?”

“Duh.  No.”

“All these people walking around, somebody must be done doing what they need to do.  Somebody must be about to leave.  And then we will park there.”

“You are driving me crazy.”

“There!  What’s that guy doing?”

“Walking across the street all happy because he parked his car in the lot.”

“Maybe he’s leaving!  Where’s his car?”

“I told you  . . . in the lot.  Look how happy he looks!”

“Fine, I will pull into the lot.  Right here.”

“No, not right here!  This is the permitted monthly parking section.  On the other side of the lot, you can park for a few hours.”

“No, you need a monthly permit on that side too.  That’s how downtown parking works – They make you pay by the month.”

“Drive around to the other side.”

“Is that a parking space?”

“I am going to kill you.”

“Well, is it?  Is that a parking space?”

“NO.  It’s the same loading zone we have passed like 5 times.  It is not a parking space.”

“Fine.  I will drive around the block again.”

“Yay!”

“Look, it’s the same lot with the same rules and it says . . .”

“It says Park Here Now. Pull into the lot.”

“I am not sure about this.”

Mark lowers his window to speak to the attendant, “We are only going to be here like two hours.  Is that OK?”

“Pull around to the left, sir.  Leave your keys with the kiosk attendant.”

Mark is all happy, “We can park in here!  This is pretty close to the restaurant!”

OH MY GOD.

As we walk the ½ block from the parking structure to the restaurant, Marks says, “I have been coming down to Portland a lot, and I am getting pretty good at figuring out where to park.  I think I parked right near here the last time I was down here.  You just have to be patient and know where to look.”

He gestures to the restaurant ahead of us, “Did I do a good job or what?  Look at how close we parked!”

I raise my hand, “Yes, babe.  High fives on your excellent parking skills!”

As Mark happily high-fives me?  There is invisible giggling.

I love my in-laws.