First off, I am all annoyed at you people. I was skimming through the last few days of posts, and I noticed that I misspelled the word Illinois the other day. Does no one love me enough to point that shit out? You just let the misspelled word glare out from the page?
In my mind? You are all, “See? Kris thinks she is so fucking cool. Thinks she is so perfect. She can’t even spell the name of the state in which she was born.”
And then you snort with derisive silent laughter.
That is all unattractive and passive-aggressive of you. Cut that shit out.
I know how to fucking spell Illinois.
Plus also? Mark’s dad sent one of my posts to the pastor at his church and somehow? My post was transformed into a sermon. People sat in church somewhere in Grosse Pointe, Michigan this past Sunday and listened to a sermon based on Pretty All True.
And no, it was not a “Damn this woman to eternal hellfire for her evil sinning ways,” sort of sermon. From what I hear? It was quite lovely.
That freaks me out.
It makes me want to write a short erotic story about having sex in the back-yard hammock. Just in case the churchgoers listen to the sermon and then think to themselves, “That Kris is a laugh riot! All inspirational and G-rated. I am totally going straight home from church to read her blog! Pretty All True . . . that’s from a children’s book, isn’t it?”
And then they would arrive and Mark and I would be all naked in the back-yard hammock.
Just in case you were wondering? That would so never happen. We are not sex-in-the-back-yard-hammock sort of people. Well, one of us isn’t.
Too many mosquitoes.
Speaking of sex and problems . . . I saw this television commercial for a product called a Pos-T-Vac. This is, quite possibly, the weirdest and creepiest infomercial I have ever ever seen. If I understand correctly (and I think that I do), the product is a suction device that is placed on the penis. A “gentle vacuum sucking” then sucks the man to firmness.
It is apparent from the commercial that this product is aimed at men who may be having a little bit of trouble getting it up. Their wives are all long-suffering and patient and sexless. Vacuum sucking? It is a miracle, apparently. Just four minutes of sucking action, and these previously erectile-dysfunctioned men are good to go.
Why the wives don’t just provide old-fashioned vacuum power to the penis? I don’t know. The infomercial is not clear on this point.
Also not clear? Why the Pos-T-Vac folks are not marketing this device to men without erectile dysfunction issues.
Also not clear? The following sequence . . . I am all puzzled . . .
Older couple in the back yard. The woman is sitting in a tire swing which has been wound in circles so that when she is released? She is going to spin all crazily and probably barf (the inner ear does not love that spinning shit when you get a little older . . . trust me). She is being spun into ever-tightening dizziness by a man dressed in retired-man attire.
And this man? Is lying in the grass and dirt directly below the swing. Reaching up above his head to spin the tire swing.
And they are both all smiley.
What the fuck?
I do not understand a single thing about this scene.
Click the link, by the way. The scene in question is just a few seconds into the video.
There is just no way that his older gentleman jeans contain the vacuum device as he lies on the grass. I am pretty sure that would be noticeable. And while the man looks happy? He does not look “vacuum-sucked” happy.
So if they are not just doing bizarre time-filling things as they wait for the vacuumed erection? What the fuck are they doing?
Plus? When he eventually releases the swing? If he stays where he is? He is going to be kicked in the face repeatedly by her spinning feet.
I am hopelessly out of touch with the sexual behavior of the senior citizen population, apparently. Tire swings, erotic vomiting, sadomasochism, and vacuums? Really?
If you go to the link I have provided for Pos-T-Vac and actually watch the infomercial? Prepare to be stunned and creeped out, people.
The testimonials? Shudder.
Guess what else? Pretty All True has reached an important milestone on its way to world blog domination!
And that is an oxymoron, by the way.
I have heard from reliable and highly placed governmental sources? That Pretty All True is now blocked from all federal employee computers. Blocked for pornographic content. Happy sighs of inappropriateness.
But I miss Axel.
Meanwhile . . .Welcome, new non-federal-government-employee readers from Grosse Pointe, Michigan! You will love it here on Pretty All True!
And yes, I spelled Grosse Pointe and Michigan correctly.