First off, I am all annoyed at you people. I was skimming through the last few days of posts, and I noticed that I misspelled the word Illinois the other day. Does no one love me enough to point that shit out? You just let the misspelled word glare out from the page?
In my mind? You are all, “See? Kris thinks she is so fucking cool. Thinks she is so perfect. She can’t even spell the name of the state in which she was born.”
And then you snort with derisive silent laughter.
That is all unattractive and passive-aggressive of you. Cut that shit out.
I know how to fucking spell Illinois.
Annoying.
Plus also? Mark’s dad sent one of my posts to the pastor at his church and somehow? My post was transformed into a sermon. People sat in church somewhere in Grosse Pointe, Michigan this past Sunday and listened to a sermon based on Pretty All True.
And no, it was not a “Damn this woman to eternal hellfire for her evil sinning ways,” sort of sermon. From what I hear? It was quite lovely.
That freaks me out.
It makes me want to write a short erotic story about having sex in the back-yard hammock. Just in case the churchgoers listen to the sermon and then think to themselves, “That Kris is a laugh riot! All inspirational and G-rated. I am totally going straight home from church to read her blog! Pretty All True . . . that’s from a children’s book, isn’t it?”
And then they would arrive and Mark and I would be all naked in the back-yard hammock.
Just in case you were wondering? That would so never happen. We are not sex-in-the-back-yard-hammock sort of people. Well, one of us isn’t.
Too many mosquitoes.
Speaking of sex and problems . . . I saw this television commercial for a product called a Pos-T-Vac. This is, quite possibly, the weirdest and creepiest infomercial I have ever ever seen. If I understand correctly (and I think that I do), the product is a suction device that is placed on the penis. A “gentle vacuum sucking” then sucks the man to firmness.
Excuse me?
It is apparent from the commercial that this product is aimed at men who may be having a little bit of trouble getting it up. Their wives are all long-suffering and patient and sexless. Vacuum sucking? It is a miracle, apparently. Just four minutes of sucking action, and these previously erectile-dysfunctioned men are good to go.
Why the wives don’t just provide old-fashioned vacuum power to the penis? I don’t know. The infomercial is not clear on this point.
Also not clear? Why the Pos-T-Vac folks are not marketing this device to men without erectile dysfunction issues.
Also not clear? The following sequence . . . I am all puzzled . . .
Older couple in the back yard. The woman is sitting in a tire swing which has been wound in circles so that when she is released? She is going to spin all crazily and probably barf (the inner ear does not love that spinning shit when you get a little older . . . trust me). She is being spun into ever-tightening dizziness by a man dressed in retired-man attire.
And this man? Is lying in the grass and dirt directly below the swing. Reaching up above his head to spin the tire swing.
And they are both all smiley.
What the fuck?
I do not understand a single thing about this scene.
Click the link, by the way. The scene in question is just a few seconds into the video.
There is just no way that his older gentleman jeans contain the vacuum device as he lies on the grass. I am pretty sure that would be noticeable. And while the man looks happy? He does not look “vacuum-sucked” happy.
So if they are not just doing bizarre time-filling things as they wait for the vacuumed erection? What the fuck are they doing?
Plus? When he eventually releases the swing? If he stays where he is? He is going to be kicked in the face repeatedly by her spinning feet.
I am hopelessly out of touch with the sexual behavior of the senior citizen population, apparently. Tire swings, erotic vomiting, sadomasochism, and vacuums? Really?
Really?
Oh my.
If you go to the link I have provided for Pos-T-Vac and actually watch the infomercial? Prepare to be stunned and creeped out, people.
The testimonials? Shudder.
Guess what else? Pretty All True has reached an important milestone on its way to world blog domination!
And that is an oxymoron, by the way.
I have heard from reliable and highly placed governmental sources? That Pretty All True is now blocked from all federal employee computers. Blocked for pornographic content. Happy sighs of inappropriateness.
But I miss Axel.
Sigh.
Meanwhile . . .Welcome, new non-federal-government-employee readers from Grosse Pointe, Michigan! You will love it here on Pretty All True!
And yes, I spelled Grosse Pointe and Michigan correctly.
I checked.
Amen.
Old wrinkly penises should not be on TV! Even just to talk about them! *shudder* I’m a horrid speller and did not notice the Illinois spelling infraction the other day…I apologize, and send up a thank you to the higher powers that be for spell check on my computer otherwise I would have just spelled apologize wrong LOL!
I have no issue with wrinkly penises on TV . . . all penises spend much of their time wrinkled, in my experience.
But this infomercial? Is weird.
And I have a spell-checker. I just ignored it, apparently.
Totally didn’t notice anything wrong with Illinois. And I usually notice misspellings! My mom sent me an email where she used “discrete” when she meant “discreet” and it was all I could do not to email back immediately saying, “Uh, mom? Mom who taught me how to spell? GOTCHA!”
So, it must not have been very noticeable.
And no one sees that spinach that’s been in your teeth all day either. Right?
Or toilet paper on the bottom of your shoe.
I hate when I have toilet paper on the bottom of my spelling shoes. Hate it.
Yes, well, I am totally happy sitting here in my unattractive passive-aggressiveness. So if I had actually noticed that you spelled Illinois incorrectly, I so would have not said anything.
It’s my passive-aggressiveness, and my passive-aggressiveness-induced-high-blood-pressure, and I will wallow in it all I want, thankyewverymuch.
And…not so much with the spinning. Any more. Once upon a time, though…
And – also a true story – as a manager in skilled nursing facilities I was occasionally called upon to arrange conjugal visits. In fact, I was obligated *by law* to do this.
I would have drawn the line at tire swings though. And vacuum cleaners.
If I am ever in a nursing home?
I would like conjugal visits. Those would be lovely.
But assuming I have not suffered some major facial injuries along the way? I will provide all the vacuum-sucking that is necessary. The old-fashioned way.
And guess what? The new and improved sucking? It is way expensive! I just checked out their website — $550.00.
That sucks.
Snort!
But it’s covered by Medicare!
That makes me giggle.
And you are joking, right? Please tell me a penis-erecting-FlowBe isn’t covered by Medicare.
According to the infomercial?
It so is. And they will help you with your paperwork. In case you are too giddy and distracted to handle it yourself.
And you win the award for best words strung together in a comment today!
For this . . . penis-erecting-FlowBe
Yay!
so it’s most likely shameful to admit that i majored in journalism/PR and STILL missed it? demerit.
have you seen the commercial for one of the erectile dysfunction meds that shows an older couple sitting in bathtubs on the beach? and of course they’re holding hands, bathtub-to-bathtub. wtf? how the hell did they get two bathtubs out onto a beach? and if you’re all “happy” from your meds, wouldn’t you be sharing a tub? i don’t get it.
Usually? I DVR everything and skip right through the commercials. But then there was a flashing image of a man lying below a tire swing, and I was all, “Go back! What the fuck was that?”
Hmmmm . . . perhaps they are marketing geniuses over there with the Pos-T-Vac!
Erectile disfunction and penis enlargement type commercials just boogle my mind. And the vacuum idea? You’re right, what happened to good old fashioned vacuum suckage? Have yourself some Pos-T-Vac assistance, I’m too busy spinning myself sick on this tire swing. If that isn’t some kind of sexy, I don’t know what is!
You remember the guy who used to do the ads for Famous Amos cookies? One of the guys in this ad reminds me of him.
Famous Amos getting vacuum sucked?
I am all cringing in horror.
Plus, I want a cookie.
Famous Amos getting vacuum suckage — eewww! And for some reason that comment made me think of the Jolly Green Giant man. So random. But then again, that association might’ve worked for their commercial.
Ho Ho Ho — Green Giant!
I am imagining a vacuum pump the size of AC duct work.
That is very jolly, indeed.
Oh, dear God, I KNOW Wally Amos! Thanks for totally freaking me out! He’s actually one of the nicest guys EVER! Although I have no idea if he is in need of a Pos-T-Vac. *runs to find the Industrial Strength Brain Scrub to get the image out of my mind!*
(Passive-aggressive? I wrote the book! snort!)
YOU KNOW FAMOUS AMOS?
I need cookies! Can you get me cookies?
I get cookies the same way anyone else would get cookies…I have to buy them. LOL. Although I can tell you that he created his nut-free cookies because of me (I’m deathly allergic to all nuts). I used to get free cookies all the time, before I moved from California. Used to live down the street from him.
You inspired Famous Amos?
That is way cool.
Sorry about the allergy, though. That sucks.
Not like the Pos-T-Vac, though. That would be odd.
“Why the wives don’t just provide out-fashioned vacuum power to the penis?”
So, since I’m more aggressive than passive, I would like to know if the quoted sentence is an “Old-Fashioned” test??? Were we all supposed to correct you?
Wow! Someone caught that much more quickly than I had imagined!
Hee hee!
And also?
What on earth are you talking about, crazy woman?
NO FAIR!
now I look like a troll! crap.
well, at least I quoted it, some people could actually believe I didn’t make that up just to discredit you.
I think they showed the tire swing because the censors wouldn’t let Pos-T-Vac show them on the sex swing they must have installed in the rec-room.
Yes, you are all troll-like.
And I am the queen of passive-aggression.
Seniors get sex swings? Do you think those are also covered by Medicare?
Because that would be awesome.
I think you should write a short erotic story about doing it in church.
I perhaps will . . . and then I will post that story on my secret other blog.
Pretty All Porn.
can’t wait for that one! :)
Hmmm . . . does chalice have one or two l’s?
Challice
Chalice
Oooooh . . . never mind. Holy vessel is way better.
Which post was sent to the pastor? Obviously all your posts are a religious experience I am just curious which one he used.
I am going to wait until I get home from work to watch the infomercial. I’ll let my husband wonder about what I am looking at instead of the people at work.
Did you notice how close you are to overtaking the #3 spot on topmommyblogs.com? Only 5 or 6 votes.
Yes, but the woman below me on TMB? She is giving away a free towel!
People get way excited about free shit.
Expect her to overtake me at any moment.
Oh, and the post?
Halo Good
::squeee:: A towel!?! This is perfect! I need a towel!
You are going to need a towel if you have ::squeed::
Ewwww!
Oh, and a question!
What do those double colons around words mean? No one will tell me!
:: is a scope resolution operator in C++ (I am not a programmer. I don’t know C++. I work with lots of programmers and have tried to read a book on C++ in the past .) I am not sure what it means in the blog world. I was being mean and making fun of someone.
I do not know what the fuck you are talking about . . . scope resolution operator? Seriously?
It isn’t always used to denote sarcasm. I will have to google this and get back to you.
Let me know what you find. I haven’t been able to determine a consistent pattern with bloggers that use it. And from now on I won’t make fun of someone using notation I don’t fully understand. Maybe ‘::’ turns someones excitement over another baby product into a profound statement that is just over my head.
Still looking. Weird.
::weird::
It is just used to indicate a speaker’s action instead of a mere comment.
So ::squee:: is correct.
But my ::weird:: is not.
::hanging head in shame::
::typing:: Thanks! Now I can use it all the time.
::voting:: Well you are still only five away from overtaking #3. Odd. ::sipping beer:: The numbers are different but maintaining the same difference. I voted twice in the same day. And it should count twice because I am home now so two different IP addresses. I amuse that’s how they determine if you’ve voted for the day.
Maybe tomorrow I will just run around my office and vote from lots of people’s computers. Time to take down Cleared for Takeoff*! ::winks::
*I have never read Cleared for Takeoff. I am sure it a lovely blog.
Dorie –
New thread! Ran out of room above!
I have noticed the same thing, because I (ahem) voted for myself while I was at the library today. ::blushes::
What? ::avoiding eye contact::
I would love for you to run around voting for me on all of the computers at work (assuming they all have different ISP addresses)!! That is so not cheating if YOU do it! ::happy claps::
I have not read Cleared for Takeoff either. I am sure it is a lovely blog. ::sideways glance::
OK, maybe I read it once and thought it was way boring. ::shushes::
Maybe I caught it on a bad day . . . there was no porn at all. ::snorts::
We do all have different IP addresses here in the office. But you are already #3 and I haven’t even done it (yet). Yay!
YAY for different IP addresses!
Love you.
And here I promised to let you know if you ever had toilet paper stuck to your spelling shoes. I failed. And what’s worse? I’m from Illinois! So sorry…I didn’t catch it either.
That’s alright. If you had noticed and said nothing?
Then I would be upset.
Although, Lanita? You, of all people, should have noticed.
Sigh.
Didn’t notice your spelling error… But now I will be more critical of your spelling to point errors out in the future! Wait… Not what you wanted? Oh. Okay.
Also – the tire swing scene? Awkward. Not just because of the infomercial that contains it, but because I can’t think of a single situation where it would make sense. Scratch that… In this infomercial, perhaps if she were wearing a skirt and her were peeping? Pervert style. Other than that… not a one.
Okay. I’m off to shiver in disgust at the mental picture I just painted for myself.
Thanks for sharing. Really.
And now I am sing-songy and mocking . . .
You are sick and twisted
You are sick and twisted
Hee hee!
OMG – I bet you lost your PG rating today (not that you ever had one) I laugh at the thought of all your in-laws church friends reading todays post. I’m sure “out-fashioned vacuum power to the penis” will not be in the next sermon. Somehow I think you (probably Mark) will be getting a call sometime this week, maybe saying thanks for the mention of the church – maybe NOT!
OMG LMAO
Ooooh . . . Did I forget to mention the church?
My bad.
Let me give a shout-out to St Paul’s Lutheran Church in Grosse Pointe, Michigan!
The commercial (makes me) ill (and) annoy(s) (me). illannoy…that’s how you spell it.
I personally prefer the simpler verb illoy.
As in, Mark, you are really beginning to illoy me with that shit.
No, wait! I am so fucking stupid.
Illinois is fucking with me again.
I bow to your superior genius.
Ok, you know all about my typo control issues. I promise you I did not notice. And I don’t NOT notice. EVER. If I didn’t I’m sure no one else did. But I know it haunted you when you noticed. I feel for ya.
Dude under the tire swing, WTF?!?! Who really does shit like that?! Nobody, that’s who. If Tim ever said to me “Here hop on this tire swing and I’ll lay down on the ground like a jackass and spin you from underneath. Oh, it’ll be so romantic.” I would jack punch him right straight in the throat. Are they kidding with that nonsense? Yes, old dude. It makes the whole scenario so much sexier with you laying there under a tire swing. I hope it falls on your head and knocks some sense into you. You will never get laid after that infomercial airs. Promise.
I am thinking that none of the men in this infomercial ever get laid again.
Especially? The man (who in a different version of this infomercial on Youtube) refers to his erect penis as a stinger missile.
Not even, dude. Not even.
I didn’t correct your spelling of the ‘I’ state, but I noticed. I am no stranger to misspelled crap so I am pointing no fingers.
Unless? You are having tire-swingy, nauseating, bug-bitten sex… and one of you has been Post-T-Vac’d. Because then, my friend? You deserve it! You SO deserve it! I was so illiloyed by that vid clip; I couldn’t get past the man lying on ground swinging the wifey.
Pee laughter; coming right up!! Gotta go!
The tire swing portion of the video? Just kills me.
Every time.
And I knew someone had noticed Illinois and not mentioned it. Hate you now.
Hey don’t hate me for her not picking at your flaws. Hate her. I’m not eve sure if she know who Ren and Stimpy were.
As I said? I am not one to throw stones through brick houses. That’s right, Right? If not? Change it and see if I care.
I hate you, too. Ha! So there. ….. walking away…..turns around… “BESIDES YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE THERE”S A BEAVER NESTING IN IT! THAT’S BECUASE YOU A MEAN GIRL! …. running fast as to not get ass-kicking from the mean girl! :)
A beaver nesting in it? Oh, you are just asking for an ass-kicking.
You better run.
Run?? Why run when I can fly? I have wings (insert tasteless joke here)… and a broomstick. Hahaha!!!
70′s music in hand; I am running!!! ;)
Have fun on your trip!