Mark is all pissed off at you people for believing yesterday’s post was real.
He liked it better when you loved him.
He wants me to fix it.
So I promised that I would fix the situation.
Snort.
Have you ever seen a show called The Jersey Shore? A horrible show, and I only watched it once or twice (I swear) . . . but one thing stuck with me. And that was this guy named Mike. Only no one called him Mike.
They called him The Situation.
And this was because he was forever pulling up his shirt, displaying his amazingly ripped physique, caressing his abdominal muscles, and saying, “What we have here? Is a situation.”
Seriously, the show was worth watching just for those few moments of egotistical masturbatory self-congratulatory love.
OK, wait . . . back to Mark’s situation.
Mark would like to point out that the dream? Was not even his dream, people! And that if it was his dream? He would not be all pussy-like and asking me for permission to sleep with other people. He would be fucking the other people as I wept sadly in a reclining lawn chair.
Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with the lawn chair detail, either.
Also? He would like to point out that a careful reader would know that this was a dream because . . .
1) He got to speak without being interrupted.
2) He was not seriously injured immediately after speaking.
3) And also, again . . . the part about him being a big pussy and asking for permission.
Additionally, Mark is annoyed at the suggestion that he has Costco issues.
Sadly, he is making a Costco shopping list as he complains, so there is much mocking.
He is tippity tappity tapping his list into his iPhone. Which always drives me up the fucking wall. How is that faster than writing stuff on a piece of paper?
He is all intent and concentrating as he taps . . . t-o-i-l-e-t-p-a-p-e-r
Fuck.
Me? Paper and pen . . . TP . . . I’m done.
Mark sends me downstairs to check how many cans of Coke we have left. Mark loves Coke. He is the only one in the house who drinks it, but because he drinks several cans a day? Coke is a Costco purchase.
Also? He drinks beer and eats way too many treats.
You talk to him . . . he won’t listen to me.
No! No! No!
I am supposed to be making you love Mark again. I am supposed to be fixing this mess.
This situation.
OK, how awesome would it be if Mark had situation-type muscles?
He doesn’t, by the way.
A moment there as I contemplate a situationed Mark.
OK, that is just lovely.
And then?
Mark interrupts my muscled reverie with these words, yelled down the stairs . . .
“How’s my Coke situation?”
People? I am destroyed. Giggling and snorting and laughing uncontrollably as I imagine Mark’s six-pack of Coke.
Oh my god.
I cannot breathe.
People?
YOU MUST LOVE MARK!
It is commanded and so it shall be done.
He is so awesome.
Coke Situation.
I am dying.
In other news?
It has been suggested that I organize my archives in some sort of “sensible” way. Create categories and sub-headings and “Sneeze Pages” to direct a new reader deeper into my blog. Help a reader to find possibly related posts to which they might go to find more information on a given topic.
Fuck that.
I am of the opinion that if you want to read what else I have had to say here on Pretty All True?
You need to go back to the beginning and fucking read.
I’m not gathering up all of the Kris’ Childhood posts in one place and the Sibling Rivalry posts in another.
Seriously, people . . . if you are interested? Go back and read.
I’m not Cliff-Noting this shit.
READ.
It is commanded and so it shall be done.
Snort.
And to those of you who have been with me from the beginning? And to those of you who have taken the time to go back and read?
Serious fucking love for you.
And now?
I am off to deal with a situation.
Snort.
If you were to go back and organize stuff? You’d lose the wonder that is your flare for tagging.
And I still love Mark. Even if he makes Coke out to be a situation :D
By the way, I believe my husband has said 6-pack you dream about. Only on my husband? the 6-pack has been opened. And maybe? Maybe it’s more like a keg. Maybe.
Thank you! I do love my ridiculous and misleading tags.
Snort . . . kegs are cute too.
Right, Mark?
I want to know what kind of pervs are finding your blog via the tag “pussy-like”
And I teach high school. And high school students watch shows like Jersey Shore. And then they come to school the next day and they are all “So, this is the Situation.” And I’m all, “you people have just ruined a perfectly acceptable word and are therefore bound for word purgatory after you die.”
And Mark should totally drink Pepsi and then I would love him. Right now I just like him.
I do like to tease the porn-seekers once in a while.
Is word purgatory a silent sort of place? Or a place where people ummmmmm a lot as they search for and never find the perfect word?
Mark will drink Pepsi if that is all that is available, but given a choice?
Coke. Always Coke.
I think word purgatory is silent, but not in that meditative sort of silence that means you’re thinking about all the wrong things you’ve said and paying penance (or hoping others are paying penance on your behalf).
It’s the kind of silent where you have words to say like “This here is a Situation” or “I need to pee. Where is the bathroom?” and the words will not come out. And you are frustrated and stabby about it. Because purgatory should be some sort of punishment, you know.
Ugh.
I hate silence.
I will, henceforth, select my words with care.
Silence is not golden.
Thank you for posting. Now I can stop complaining. Ha.
Mark. I love you. I love Coke and your love of Coke was enough to sway me. Coke is a wonderful beverage. I used to to drink so much Coke in high school that I could tell you where it was bottled. Yep. I could taste the difference in the water used. Mmmm… Coke.
I agree they need to read back from the beginning. New readers need to do this for themselves. They won’t know what they are missing until they have read Pretty All True from the start.
OK, that? Is some serious Coke love.
WOW!
And new readers? Listen to Dorie!!
Coke addicts always know what they are talking about.
Yeah I had a real Coke problem but now I have it under control. I swear I can stop anytime.
Although if a waitress asks me if Pepsi is OK? The answer is no.
Snort!
There are meetings, you know.
Oh, I love, adore, and revere Mark. If you two were to get a divorce? He can have me in the settlement.
Snort.
Love you and your hurty humor. The Coke Situation? 30 full seconds before I could return to reading.
I laughed sooooo hard. Tears.
It’s a good thing Mark loves me so much.
Although to be fair? I am not all rippling with muscles either.
Snort.
I too have a “situation” with my six pack. And? Since it is such a valuable commodity? I protect under layers of belly fat! Which? I got from drinkin’ too much Coke. If I can’t have a Coke? If I’m in a pepsi-sponsored kinda place (shudders)? I will drink water. And? I have always adored Mark and didn’t believe a word you said, Cept that maybe in your dream? He really wanted to sleep with me!
Seriously . . . Mark adores you.
He’s getting my reclining lawn chair all prepared.
Oh, Mark. We do love you. It’s just that… well we love Kris more. Just a smidge, I swear!
Plus also? We all have that friend of ours who seemed like she was in a happy marriage and then one day out of the fucking blue she announces they’ve split because he was screwing someone and got her pregnant. It’s not our fault that wankstains like that made Kris’s story believable. Right, ladies?
Oh, I have known a few shitheads like that in my time.
Wankstains . . . exactly.
And I loved being loved a smidge more.
That is like winning!
I love winning.
Yes, I agree, Pretty All True is complete in itself As Is. Sorting by categories would be just as absurd as trying to read a novel after first sorting for all the dialogue of one character.
I had such a great time reading from the beginning, I actually slowed down and would only let myself read one month at a time to delay the inevitable day that I caught up with the present. Now I have to content myself with one post a day.
By the way, I have had such fun asking my kids if they would like me to recount the splendor that was their day. (When I say it that way, I think I am quoting you, although I have a tendency to completely mangle quotes and probably have managed to mangle that one too)
See? That’s what I think! I am writing a novel here, people!
Plus also? I am lazy.
It makes me all happy inside when someone says that they went back and read from the beginning and were sad to see it end. All happy.
Contented sighs.
And the splendor quote? No mangling . . . just perfect.
Love you.
Awww Mark, we love you. Even if you’re not all steroided up, showing off your abs, licking envelopes.
And no need to categorize your archives for me, I read every post :)
What do I win??
If you have read all of my posts?
Then this will sound familiar . . .
The reward for the reading? Is the fucking reading.
Snort.
Oh, so you love me! I read the whole blog in the first three or four days after I found it. (Which is how I found out your last name… you mention it in like, your first or second “Christmas letter” post.)
Mark has my son’s name, so I guess I have to like him! People named Mark don’t, in my opinion, cheat. They’re steady guys. (It was my father-in-law’s name too.) For the record, I was positive you were making this up somehow … either a daydream, or a regular dream, or a fear, or something. Quite glad to find I was right.
Guess what? I have known a few bad marks.
Which totally sounds like I got bad grades in school. Which I sooo did not.
I am so happy you went back to read from the beginning! I love you.
And my name? It was never actually a secret.
As you noticed.
I love Mark almost as much as I love YOU! I totally went back to the beginning and read every single post and was oh so bummed that I finished them all and was caught up and had to wait a whole day to read more of your awesome writing! I am oozing with admiration and stalker-like love except I’m too damn lazy to really stalk anyone. ha!
And fuck some damn organizing. I think Pretty All True is perfect the way it is! Its way more worth it for someone to go all the way back and start reading from the beginning.
New readers? Listen to Andrea!
I am worth it, people!
Fuck some damn organizing!
YAY!
And also . . . Andrea?
I am all swoony with love.
Sigh.
People should totally listen to me! I do know these things to be true. You are an amazing writer and you most definately know how to make my husband look at me like I’m INSANE by making me laugh like a crazy person :)
He too loves your blog. He laughs his skinny little ass off. His favorite is when you and the girls (giggle the girls giggle) rode bikes to the playground and Maj said Kallan tried to kill her on the seesaw and you told her that her legs stopped the death and said she was standing there all crabby and not dead… in his world now, everyone is standing there all crabby and not dead HA!
And also, he is a paramedic. He thinks it would be a great idea to start a website about people who died hilariously hideous deaths in hilarious ways. However he doesn’t have the attention span to keep that one going.
I have been reading your old posts all week while my husband was out of town, but completely ignoring the needs of my 1 an 2 year old… well not completely. I give them breakfast in their seats and run into the office to read until one starts yelling or crying, then I go deal with that and run back to the office to read more, set them up with toys, run to the office, feed them lunch, run to the office, nap!! lots of reading. I have stayed up WAY too late this week reading, but I LOVE your blog. So funny I laugh out loud.
Another family’s life fucked over by Pretty All True.
It is like a dream!
And in this dream? Mark is all muscled and brawny.
Ooooh . . . I like this dream!
Mark? Is my new BFF. Situation fixed. Wait! That is funny too! Bwhahahaha!And I have been blog stalking you for awhile…but not from the beginning. but I know how to read, so I have applied that sweet talent. Who wants you to “organize”? Lazy douchebags. that’s who.
Yes!
That will be my new secret phrase that I use whenever someone whines about not being able to find things.
Dear Lazy Douchebag . . .
And they will never know what I really think of them!
It’s genius!
You love me … you really love me! Cause I totally went back to the very beginning and have read every post, every comment, and am jealous that I’m not as eloquent as other posters (such as Nigel[the cat guy]). But henceforth I shall try to woe you with magniloquent and poignant tête-à-tête!
Because, my magnificent Kris, your words have captured my heart, my soul, my very essence! I wish to describe my longing for your new post, that I wait so impatiently to read. But, alas, I have not the words. Only a heartfelt plea — If you were ever to stop posting, I fear my heart would burst open from my deep remorse. So, for my sake, post moar plz.
(oi. i feel creepy)
Ooooooh . . . you are all stalkerish.
But also? You have lovely vocabulary skills!
Magniloquent? Who wouldn’t want to be stalked by a person who brings that word to the felony?
Happy fearful sighs.
And Nigel? He is special.
As are you . . . Post moar plz?
Giggle!
Oh how I love this! Stalker with mad vocab skilz! Those are the stalkers that have you convinced they are not really stalking you as they are pilfering through your trash.
.:sigh:. I am jealous.
Ha!
Get your own stalkers!
She is all mine.
LOVE! hahaha!
Happy sighs.
Mark is a good man. You are a funny woman. That bit about the Coke situation is priceless. And yes people can muddle through on their own. Lazy fucks. Ooo, wait, someone already said they are Lazy Douchebags. Well I like that. Done.
Agreed.
Done.