Mark is all pissed off at you people for believing yesterday’s post was real.
He liked it better when you loved him.
He wants me to fix it.
So I promised that I would fix the situation.
Snort.
Have you ever seen a show called The Jersey Shore? A horrible show, and I only watched it once or twice (I swear) . . . but one thing stuck with me. And that was this guy named Mike. Only no one called him Mike.
They called him The Situation.
And this was because he was forever pulling up his shirt, displaying his amazingly ripped physique, caressing his abdominal muscles, and saying, “What we have here? Is a situation.”
Seriously, the show was worth watching just for those few moments of egotistical masturbatory self-congratulatory love.
OK, wait . . . back to Mark’s situation.
Mark would like to point out that the dream? Was not even his dream, people! And that if it was his dream? He would not be all pussy-like and asking me for permission to sleep with other people. He would be fucking the other people as I wept sadly in a reclining lawn chair.
Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with the lawn chair detail, either.
Also? He would like to point out that a careful reader would know that this was a dream because . . .
1) He got to speak without being interrupted.
2) He was not seriously injured immediately after speaking.
3) And also, again . . . the part about him being a big pussy and asking for permission.
Additionally, Mark is annoyed at the suggestion that he has Costco issues.
Sadly, he is making a Costco shopping list as he complains, so there is much mocking.
He is tippity tappity tapping his list into his iPhone. Which always drives me up the fucking wall. How is that faster than writing stuff on a piece of paper?
He is all intent and concentrating as he taps . . . t-o-i-l-e-t-p-a-p-e-r
Fuck.
Me? Paper and pen . . . TP . . . I’m done.
Mark sends me downstairs to check how many cans of Coke we have left. Mark loves Coke. He is the only one in the house who drinks it, but because he drinks several cans a day? Coke is a Costco purchase.
Also? He drinks beer and eats way too many treats.
You talk to him . . . he won’t listen to me.
No! No! No!
I am supposed to be making you love Mark again. I am supposed to be fixing this mess.
This situation.
OK, how awesome would it be if Mark had situation-type muscles?
He doesn’t, by the way.
A moment there as I contemplate a situationed Mark.
OK, that is just lovely.
And then?
Mark interrupts my muscled reverie with these words, yelled down the stairs . . .
“How’s my Coke situation?”
People? I am destroyed. Giggling and snorting and laughing uncontrollably as I imagine Mark’s six-pack of Coke.
Oh my god.
I cannot breathe.
People?
YOU MUST LOVE MARK!
It is commanded and so it shall be done.
He is so awesome.
Coke Situation.
I am dying.
In other news?
It has been suggested that I organize my archives in some sort of “sensible” way. Create categories and sub-headings and “Sneeze Pages” to direct a new reader deeper into my blog. Help a reader to find possibly related posts to which they might go to find more information on a given topic.
Fuck that.
I am of the opinion that if you want to read what else I have had to say here on Pretty All True?
You need to go back to the beginning and fucking read.
I’m not gathering up all of the Kris’ Childhood posts in one place and the Sibling Rivalry posts in another.
Seriously, people . . . if you are interested? Go back and read.
I’m not Cliff-Noting this shit.
READ.
It is commanded and so it shall be done.
Snort.
And to those of you who have been with me from the beginning? And to those of you who have taken the time to go back and read?
Serious fucking love for you.
And now?
I am off to deal with a situation.
Snort.
I’ve been away from the computer for a few days and am catching up (again). First of all, Mark is great and that was so obviously a post about a dream YOU had. Geez, people. Second of all, I must concur with your policy on tagging stuff. To heck with that nonsense! It is way better to just go back and read the posts. That way the reader gets to know you in all your snarky, sarcastic and sometimes-tear-jerking glory. Linking posts like that works great on some blogs, but I think yours is good just the way it is. Besides,that would take a LOT of work! ;)
Thank you.
Sometimes the lazy road is the best one.
My road, that is. The rest of you lazy people? Take the hard road, people . . . READ!
Like Michelle.
I love Michelle.
I don’t know if I love the post or your answers to the comments more. Hmmm… I’ll have to get back to you on that. As for Coke, Mark loves it so much (as do I) because the dang secret ingredient is the coco leaf (aka: cocaine). Just an fyi. :) Also, you can love Michelle who posted earlier but I married her!! That’s why she’s been away from her computer for a few days. Anyway, I agree with my beloved – READ PEOPLE, READ… Don’t change a thing about your blog!! You know how I feel about you – read my earlier comments. Oh, the irony!! :) MARK IS AWESOME!! Drinking only Cokes and beer makes for a very round and bulbous 6 pack. And could he please explain the lawn chair??
So much in your comment!
Let see . . . there is no cocaine in Coke anymore. There used to be, but sadly? No more. Mark would be much more active if there was cocaine in the Coke.
And did you really get married? That is awesome! Congratulations! And why did Michelle not spill this lovely news earlier?
Mark is slightly round. Not terribly round. But slightly.
He is way cute. Tummy or no.
He has not explained the lawn chair . . . he just smiles secretly when I inquire.
And again! CONGRATULATIONS!
It’s not the actual coco leaf but a chemical derivative of it in coke. Mark isn’t more active because then you’d expect him to do more. I know this because I am the same way!!
Thank you, thank you. We did actually have a ceremony in Michelle’s parents backyard this past Saturday with about 40 people in attendance and it was lovely!! Not sure why Michelle didn’t tell you. I’ll find out and let you know.
Photos! I want photos!
I love weddings.
And why was I not invited?
lol.. How do you do photos on a comments board?? I didn’t invite you because….. I blame Michelle.
Yes, obviously it was Michelle’s fault.
Email me and I’ll send you photos. No problem – we have LOTS of pictures!
Emailed you.
well for someone who has been going and reading ALL of you posts your archive calender thingy is not so great. Once i am done reading for the night i have to click on the next post then make it a tab thing so i won’t have to shuffle through all the months and days on the weird calender thingy. BUT it is way worth it b/c a) you are awesome and worth the effort b) i am almost caught up!
Hmmmm . . . I will pass you concerns along to tech support guy.
But thank you for making the extra clicking effort!
Big love.
Love love love your blog. I came across this post today as I’ve gone back over the past several months and read everything leading up to today. Love your blog, incase that first sentence didn’t make it clear :)
Oh, and I love you!
Love a new reader who goes back in the archives!
Swoon!
Jersey shore is sadly one of my guilty pleasures.
I am weak! Don’t judge me.
I have started the archives from the beginning and here I am. :)
Very good stuff.
Ooooh . . . I missed this comment and happened to be back here looking around.
YAY for reading the archives!
Reading from the beginning is the only way to do it! I found the old Christmas letters on Christmas when my daughter had the flu and can’t sleep with out me holding her. I stayed rocking her well after she fell asleep.
Teri -
I love that you went back to the beginning.
I mean for this blog to be read from the beginning. And I know not that many people go back if they join me in progress. I understand that.
But oh, how I love when someone goes back.
Thank you!
I found your blog a week ago, I’m frantically trying to catch up! Been working up the courage to comment…. I love you! Aaand Mark!
Melany -
I LOVE YOU!
Comment more!
I love comments.
Thanks you for the compliments.
Kris