I am remembering too much lately.
Pretty sure.
There is an occasional superimposition of memory. My memories drape over the events of the day, suffusing those events with shadows of the past. And I am at once transported and stuck.
We went to a small amusement park today. The girls climbed onto a ride that swooped and spun. Kallan had stopped to check with me first, “Is it too spinny? I don’t like the ones that make my stomach go all sick.”
And I reassured her, “No, it’s a little kid ride. It’s not too bad. You’ll be fine.”
She ran off happily with her sister.
They climbed in together. The ride started up. Both girls waved happily as they went around.
I waved happily back.
Twice.
The third time around? Only Maj waved. Kallan’s eyes were shut and her head was tucked down into her chest.
I was wrong.
The girls swooped past us perhaps a dozen more times before the ride ended.
Every time? My eyes sought out Kallan, followed her, waited, and then sought again.
There was no panic on her unseeing face, just an emptiness, a shutting down.
An enduring.
And that? Made my eyes well with tears and my heart ache.
That enduring.
And when the ride was over? She came to me.
She came to me.
To look sadly up into my face, “I don’t want to do any more big rides. My stomach feels dizzy.”
I slid my sunglasses down from the top of my head to hide my tears, “Sorry, baby. Sorry about that.”
She was sad and quiet for a few minutes, but then she recovered and went about her day.
It was not a big deal. The day went on. A lovely day.
But for a moment? I was transported.
And then got stuck.
In memories.
Of trust.
And enduring.
And shutting down.
And enduring.
And in possibly related news?
My head? Is fucking killing me.
It’s me, the bossy one. Oh, the enduring, the memories of just getting through it. You just made me cry. Love you!
Today?
I am a little teary as well.
Much love.
I hate it when my “memories” come back to the surface. Know exactly how you feel.
Why do your memories have quotation marks around them?
Mine do not.
Sorry you head hurts and sorry you are feeling lost in transportation but happy that you were there for Kallan when she was feeling all spinny. She’ll remember that one day.
Nah.
For Kallan?
This was not a moment.
Only for me.
Yes, it might have been a deeper moment for you, but, Kallan will remember moments like this and many others that are filled with happiness, because of you.
Awwww . . . that is lovely to imagine.
Thank you.
*hugs*
Ack with the hugs!
ACK!
Oh, that’s so hard! But it’s not your fault Kallan got sick. Your endurance? Is astonishing. And inspiring.
Hugs!
Not my fault she was dizzy.
And? I didn’t feel guilty.
That wasn’t what hurt.
We endure because we promised no matter what.
Sigh.
Endurance. Perseverance. Determination. You have all of those in spades, my dear. I know these things.
((hugs))
People!
STOP ((HUGGING)) ME!
Love you.
NO HUGS?? In addition to coupons, I also love hugs. :(
Hmmmmph.
I won’t hug you, I promise. But I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. You are a strong woman! You rock!
Thank you.
And love to you.
From a distance.
I’m truly tempted to ::hug:: you, just to be contrary….but I wouldn’t do such a thing….
I think I understand your moment.
If you really understand my moment?
Then I am sorry.
no hugs, even if I were there, I wouldn’t hug you…
and also, I like to believe that every time these shadows of the past fall into today, it’s just me letting go a little more.
I like to believe that.
The shadows over my life?
Mostly ethereal and inconsequential.
I am surprised when they suddenly take shape and stand before me.
Today, I am sorry (not for you but with you) and today I feel a little teary too. And today, I realize that even when my toddler turns into a child and then a preteen and eventually an adult…that when he hurts I will hurt too.
Well maybe with you? I am just sad.and when I’m sad, everything emotional makes me feel things really clearly. Today, I am sad that you had to endure anything that you had to endure. Today, I’m not able to clearly say what I’m trying to say.
Motherhood?
It is a bitch sometimes.
Oh, and tell Kallan that I do not like the spinny ones either. When I was 9, I rode the swings (you know, the ones that lift you up and spin you in a constant circle) and I was sick for well over 12 hours. I can’t do dizzy. I know how she felt, and that sucks!
Spinny and out of control?
Not my favorite ride, either.
I am not going to offer to hug you because I’m sweaty. My head hurts too. I hate those moments when we see our kids enduring something they don’t to. I hate the moments when the memories come back too. I try very hard to quiet them. Most of the time it works. Most of all though? I want my kids to have very few memories that require any sort of endurance.
This blog? And this writing I am doing?
Has given the normally quieted memories a voice.
A gift . . . and also a problem.
For some reason, this post? Is flooding me with my own memories. And not necessarily good ones. sigh. I’m not a cry-er, but tonight, hmph.
Glad to connect with you.
But sorry your memories are sad.
Also.
I know it’s not what I’m meant to take away from this post, but I’m touched that sassy, bold Kallan gets spinny on rides. Lots of layers, these young humans we get to care for.
I’m always touched by your mothering, above, beyond and through your own memories and pain.
Lots of layers.
Covering us all.
And also?
Whatever you took from this post?
Is what was meant to be.
So there.
As per usual? You’re right.
You are right!! I had to double check to make sure it wasn’t Maj that was feeling less than well. Kallan is all sorts of spunk, its kinda hard to imagine her not enjoying the spinny ones. But I completely understand it!
Kallan is not Wonder-Woman.
As much as she would have you believe that to be the case.