I love Kathy Griffin and her show My Life on the D-List.
She’s who I want to be when I grow up. Except with a family and about 3000 fewer surgical procedures. Although, guess what? She was wearing a bikini on last night’s episode . . . and she looked fucking AMAZING.
So there’s that.
So I want to be riotously funny and look fucking amazing in a bikini when I grow up. Like Kathy Griffin. But without the vajazzling.
Because vajazzling? What the fuck?
Why would you want to be all bejeweled and sparkly down there? I do not get that at all.
Where was I? Oh yeah!
The episode last night? She was working with a women’s health organization and trying to figure out a way to raise public awareness about the need for women to get yearly pap smears.
And by the way? After the age of 30? My medical provider no longer does yearly pap smears . . . instead, they suggest once every two-three years. What’s up with that, cost-cutting motherfuckers at Kaiser administration?
Anyway.
Kathy Griffin decides to get a pap smear done poolside, at a fancy hotel, with the public and the press in attendance.
I know! I love her.
In preparation for this event? She gets waxed. And vajazzled.
So fucking funny! Mark and I were laughing so hard.
And then? She demands that her male assistant get his balls waxed. And because she has already had him chemically castrated (apparently . . . although I missed that episode), he agrees.
And people? That part of the show is one of the funniest things I have seen on television in a long long time. I was dying. I was crying and giggling and choking on my giggles. I was actually smacking my hands against my legs.
Yes, it was an actual knee-slapper.
And then? It got funnier.
Because I glance over at Mark.
And Mark? Is not laughing.
Mark is silent. He is a weird shade of gray. His legs are crossed tightly. His arms are folded tightly against his chest. His hands are tucked up under his armpits. His head is pulled all the way back into his chair, and his face is taut with cringing horror.
No one believes me when I say that I fall out of my chair laughing sometimes, but people? I fell out of my chair.
Happy sighs.
Ok, in keeping with the theme of women’s health?
I know! I am all themed today!
You know how you are supposed to do monthly breast self-exams?
People! You so are.
Anyway . . . why don’t they aim these messages at men? Because if Mark was tasked with the job of checking out my boobs in great detail once a month? He would be all over that.
Have you ever had a man offer to help you lather up in the bath or shower? You know, just a friendly offer to help you get those hard to reach places clean? Like that spot right between your shoulder blades that you can never quite reach.
So handy to have a man around, sometimes.
Except with Mark? That spot right between my shoulder blades? It’s going to stay dirty.
But my boobs? They are going to sparkle like soapy diamonds.
No bedazzling required.
I always imagine that Mark thinks I have little flipper arms that can’t . . . quite . . . reach . . . my own boobs.
Snort.
Maybe that’s why they don’t give men the job of doing their wives’ breast exams, now that I think about it. Men are easily distracted. And you are not supposed to have sex in the middle of a breast exam.
Kaiser frowns on that, I believe.
OK, so last night, I am lying in bed. Staring up into the snorey dark. Thinking about Kathy Griffin and her message of taking responsibility for your own well-being. And I figure I may as well do part of that breast self-exam while I’m lying there in the dark.
I know! She is all inspiring.
And then? Lying there in the dark? Checking my boobs?
I got distracted.
Note to Kaiser . . . It is possible to have sex while in the midst of a breast exam.
The dark was still all snorey, by the way.
And the boobs? They are perfect. Like diamonds.
No bedazzling required.
In case you were wondering.
Note to new readers . . . Don’t be scared. Sometimes I am like this.
Snort!
I LOVE her-I’m contemplating stand up comedy just because of her.
I fall out of my chair laughing to…and walk into things so I believe you.
Falling out of my chair laughing?
I love that.
And why are you still contemplating?
Get your ass out there, funny woman!
Ha. You are super funny. Kathy Griffin is super funny.
I get the vajazzling when the plan is to have your pap smear poolside. I mean if your all out there you want to look your best.
Yes, I see why Kathy did it.
And I could see why a stripper might do it.
But for me? That’s just crazy talk.
And it would hurt! Jewels are pokey.
I can hear Mark whining now.
I bet Mark would not whine for long. I think he might all of a sudden be very interested in the art of vajazzling.
Hmmmmm . . . .
I imagine lots of whining.
He is not a big fan of anything sharp and irritating.
No wax either.
Snort.
I love KG on the D list..sorry I missed that episode but I always catch up on the marathons! Love you post…you have such a great writing style. Fun!!!!
Thanks, you!
And find that episode . . . it is AWESOME!
I am sitting in front of computer grinning like an idiot. You are too funny! My husband too oft gets me confused with a Thalidomide baby who is unable to wash her own lady bits. I don’t get the vajazzling either. Although Nicole over at More is Better wrote about getting a vajacial and that sounds kind of intriguing. So much vagina talk. We watched a guy get his balls waxed on Wild-On years ago. We both laughed really hard but Ryan did throw in the odd cringe. Babies, all of them.
p.s. in Canada, we can get PAP smears yearly. For free. And our National Animal? Beaver. No joke.
Vajacial?
I will have to check that out.
And men? The ones I have known? All babies.
Guess what? Oregon’s state animal?
The beaver.
I laugh all the time.
Also?
Stop rubbing our noses in it.
Canada’s health care system, I mean.
Not the beaver.
Okay, I love everything about what’s happening here. Oregon’s animal is a Beaver too? How fun is that? I would never attempt to rub your nose in anything, least of all the Beaver! Bah ha ha ha! Well we have GST and PST (Goods & Services Tax and Provincial Sales Tax (here in Saskatchewan)) so it’s not really free. =)
Here in Oregon?
No sales tax!
Also? No jobs!
But lots of beaver.
YAY!
Vajacial?
Sounds like a combination of the words vagina and ejac… nevermind.
And we’re not babies. We’re just so secure in our manhood that we like to show some emotion just to remind you that we still have feelings.
You know what freaked Mark out MOST about the scene in the show?
The guy who was getting his balls waxed?
Appeared to be enjoying it.
A lot.
Snort.
I can only imagine and will now have to search out that episode. My hubby would sign up to be a professional breast examiner. No lie.
Oh, and because I know you are familiar with the area…just had to point this out in relation to the beaver comments. As you are driving on I-75 in the Detroit area (Troy to be exact), have you ever paid attention to exit 169…Big Beaver Rd??? I still laugh at that every single time I pass it.
OK, guess what!!!
Mark’s sister and her family live near there! The exit from the freeway to get to their house?
Big Beaver Road.
And I laugh every fucking time.
And I used to work off of Big Beaver Road. I would laugh every single day. I have to believe that whomever did the numbering of exits way back when did that on purpose. ;-)
69?
Are you kidding me?
That is so on purpose.
I tried to explain to a gay coworker about why men are terrible at giving massages…I think it’s kin to them being terrible hard to reach spot cleaners. And it’s why I never take showers with my “not husband” we don’t ever get “clean” when we’re in there. And I don’t understand how he could not know that men are terrible at giving massages…(the co-worker) But after I explained he went red and understood clearly.
And I have de-railed and no longer make any sense.
I’m stalking you on twitter by the way. Just to let you know. I don’t like being a silent stalker…
Okay I’m done being creepy. Maybe.
Mark gives massages.
And then? Immediately? There is sex.
If you want that sort of massage? The kind with no massage and lots of sex?
Mark is excellent.
Am I following you back on Twitter? If I am not, boss me with a tweet.
I’ve also told my doctor that I don’t need self breast exams because they get “examined” almost daily. She kind of found me slightly amusing. I’m pretty sure that there are no massages that don’t end in sex in my house. Not even foot massages. Which is fine by me. Because then I forget that my feet hurt. And yes thank you for stalking back. I hate to have to boss people. I don’t even do that at work and it’s my job…I’m terrible at my job.
What is your job, bad bosser?
I LOVE to boss people.
I totally just did a breast exam (thanks for reminding me) only it was boring because I did not get distracted.
Bummer.
You have to focus.
On the distraction.
Focus.
Soooo did not know about the vajazzle- and opened the damn link at work! hahahaha I’m intriqued but the full on vajazzle is a little tacky. How about TiTazzle!
See, now I could get into titazzle.
Yes, that sounds like a lot of fun.
Mark?
And there is beaver talk in my day now. thank you for that. and booby talk. and yes, if Cort is invited into the shower, my boobies are all sparkly soapy things and the rest of me? dry. I not just still unshowered…dry. i don’t hardly make it TOO the water. he hears “shared shower” and he equates it with “soapy, slippery boobies.” end of story.
Men are very similar across marriages, I am finding.
Lots of very shiny-clean slippery boobs!
And I will take a moment here to say that the few of you who emailed me your private stories of shiny slippery boobs?
Love the stories, but put them in the comments!
Although I do love stories. So thank you.
kathy is my goddess. and a hard working goddess at that!
glad you felt your boobies.
She is a goddess.
But I am pretty sure she has sold her soul to the devil in exchange for that body.
So a devil goddess.
Because what the fuck?
Ohmigod! I love you.
Debbie is a big fan of Kathy Griffin’s show too and i have been sucked in. We especially enjoyed the episode where she went to Pasadena, CA and knocked on doors to ask people why they voted down the same-sex marriage bill. Serious subject, hilarious execution. As you so eloquently say…”snort!”
I also do not understand vajazzeling. Do you think Kaiser would cover a vajazzeling injury, or is that a pre-exisiting condition?
If I were to ever be in Kaiser with a vajazzeling injury (which I would so never be)?
I would explain that there had been a naked crafting event. And that the hot glue gun went all the fuck out of control.
That could happen, right?
Much less embarrassing than lower lip jewel injuries.
Yikes!
Near Sedona AZ there is a Beaver Creek Campground. Which is situated on Beaver Creek. Which is near Dry Beaver Creek.
Cracks me up every time.
Dry Beaver Creek?
I fucking love that!
Here? My favorite is Beaverton, a city right next door to Lake Oswego (where we now live).
When we were looking for towns in which to live? I vetoed that one based on name alone.
Who lives in Beaverton?
Beavers, that’s who.
I’m pretty sure sex can only enhance your breast health. Especially if they’re shiny like diamonds.
I know!
And also? That’s what Mark says.
i am addicted to kathy. she’s awesome.
I know.
Sigh.
All this beaver talk has me laughing so hard in my hotel room that I might just wake the baby. I keep looking over at my husband (who is watching episodes of Curb with headphones in order to not wake said baby) and laughing…I think he is beginning to get suspicious. ;)
Oooooh . . . waking other people’s babies is one of my favorite things!
YAY!
But also?
Shhhhhhhh.