Maj is finally feeling better this morning.
Well enough that she would like to have her say here on Pretty All True.
Kallan got to talk. It’s only fair.
We sit down on my bed, upstairs. Through the window, we can see the cherry tree. Its fruit is growing ripe, but from the ground? The fruit is impossible to reach.
How do you think we’re going to pick those cherries?
I don’t know. Daddy said he might cut off the branches, but that’s stupid. Then the tree will die and it won’t have any fruit next year. By the way? When did Daddy trim that little tree in the middle of the back yard?
He did that yesterday while you were sleeping.
You shouldn’t let him trim anything. I liked the tree the way it was. Why did you let him do that?
It’s hard to stop Daddy when he gets going with the trimmer. One time? A long time ago . . . I asked him to trim a tree that was blocking the view of a stop sign in front of our house. And guess what? He took it down to the stump.
Yes, that sounds about right. You should take Daddy’s trimming tools away.
What’s that big C-shaped scab you’ve got there on your leg?
What, this? This is where that man toe-stabbed me at the water park last week. Remember? I told you about that. It is disgusting, because you can see the shape of his toe in my leg. Probably he made me sick, with his disgusting toe germs. By the way? I am never going to an indoor water park again. Never. I am pretty sure that’s where I got sick.
Moving on . . . you want to tell me some best things? Like . . . What’s the best thing about Daddy?
Why do I have to do best things? Kallan got to say her worst things.
OK, fine . . . What’s the worst thing about Daddy?
That he chops down greenery in the back yard without asking me what I think.
What’s the worst thing about me?
That you are short. You are too short, and you are the reason I am too short.
Ok, but babe? It’s not like I am circus short.
Well, maybe not circus short, but pretty short. Newsflash, Mom! If 10 year olds are taller than you are? You are pretty short.
Fine. What’s the best thing about Kallan?
Nope. Kallan did another worst thing for me. She acted like she was going to say something nice about me, but she did not. I want to say the worst thing about Kallan.
Fine. Go ahead.
The worst thing about Kallan is that she is mean and bossy and aggressive, and when I fight with her? She always wins. But I am older, and so that’s not right. She never backs down, Mom. And she is all fierce. Sigh.
Anything else you want to share?
Yes, Daddy took Jack to get groomed and I don’t like how he looks now. He was all cute and fluffy like a teddy bear, and now he looks like a mean little goat. I don’t like him this way.
He looks fantastic! And his big hairdo? Was always getting caught up with burs and seeds and sticks. He was like a big Velcro ball of fur, rolling around the back yard picking up crap. This is way better.
It’s not better. He looks like a mean bossy miniature goat. You should post pictures and see what people think. I bet they would agree with me. You shouldn’t have gotten him groomed. I liked him the way he was.
Hmmmm . . . what else can I ask you? Oh, I know! Who is a better cook, Mom or Dad?
Daddy.
Hmmmph.
Wait! Do you mean who cooks more and who follows more recipes? Because that’s Daddy. If you mean whose food do I like to eat more? That’s yours. Daddy makes food that is too complicated and that only he will like. Kidney beans in spaghetti? That’s just gross. You make stuff like French toast. When can we have French toast again for dinner? You should cook more. Daddy’s been taking that over lately. You should cook more.
OK, last question. You ready?
Yes, I am ready, Mother. But I would just like to say here that when I read this? It had better be exactly what I said. Word for word. Do you hear me? Exactly what I said.
Snort. Got it. OK, here’s your last question. If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
First? I would wish that the neighborhood was filled with kids my age who wanted to play with me. Second? I would wish for a pool with a slide in our back yard.
And third wish?
I would wish that I could fly.
Really? That doesn’t sound like a Maj wish.
That way I could pick the cherries off of the tree. Duh.
Got it. Love you, babe.
Love you, M.
Happy sighs. . . .She calls me M sometimes.
UPDATE: OK, now it’s a little later. I have typed up the piece, and Maj has read it. She is shaking the paper in the air and staring at me with incredulous eyes.
Here’s Maj . . .
Mother? Do you not know how to use quotation marks? This is entirely inappropriate! How is anyone going to be able to tell who is talking? And snort? Nobody snorted. That’s ridiculous! You need to write down that you laughed. Nobody snorted. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t call you M. I believe I called you Mother. So change that.
You so called me M.
Fine. Leave it. If you don’t care that it’s not what happened, neither do I.
Snort.
I mean . . . I laughed heartily.
Snort.
And which do you like better?
Teddy Bear . . . Before
Or . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Teddy Goat . . . After
“mean bossy miniature goat” LMAO…I love that!!
your daughters sound like so much fun and they remind me of my sister and i…lol
So which do you like better? The bear or the goat version?
Maj wants to know.
hmmm i gotta say i like the teddy bear version better, although i understand the practicality of the goat version..lol.
Maj says, “Yes! Teddy bear is so much cuter.”
But she admits teddy goat is easier to brush.
I recently found your blog and am so addicted to it. I have been waiting all day for you to post. And, I’m sending your link to all my friends because you make me laugh so much. Your girls are awesome. My daughter is only 3 months old, and I can’t wait until she calls me Mother in that sarcastic tone. And while I am sure the Teddy Goat cut is much easier, I have to agree that the Teddy Bear cut is a little cuter :-)
It is cuter. But he is an active, rolling, mess-seeking kind of dog.
So all that hair? Is hard to keep neat and fluffy.
I am so glad you are enjoying Pretty All True!
pool w/ a slide….maybe she could live with a picture instead :) I can send you some. Cruel I know :P
That is not nice! NO taunting pictures!
Love you . . . even though you are cruel.
I so like the groomed look better, but I’m all about easy maintenance. :) He’s adorable, and Maj is really winning me over, she reminds me of me when I was 12. :)
I have been picking so much stuff out of his fur this summer.
And brushing him is a pain.
So I am really liking his new summer haircut!
But Maj? She is not big on change.
Snort! Definitely trim that puppy up! He look before like if he sneezed tons of wool would fly off of him in all directions!
Guess what, though?
He doesn’t shed!
He looks like a wooly duster, but he does not shed!
Looked like a wooly duster.
Now he’s all goatish.
Picture 2 needs a caption: Naaaaaa (or whatever goats say)
Well, at least he can see now. His eyes look all covered in the before pic. That’s a pretty long-haired goat you have. Where’s the doggy pic?
Snort.
Plus also?
Naaaaaaaaaa.
I have to say, I enjoy the goat look. He looks so sharp, like a well dressed man! I think the haircut is handsome. Plus now his ears look all velvety.
Maybe Maj would enjoy having a sweater made from his hair if she misses it so much:
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art41878.asp
A sweater from dog hair?
Jack (the dog) would pee all over it!
What is my fur doing in the shape of clothing? CLAIM CLAIM CLAIM . . .
Snort.
And the dog? He looks much more terrierish now, all manly . . . in a goat sort of way.
I like the goat dog. In all other matters, I agree with Maj.
I may have told you once or a thousand times that I love Maj.
Goat dog is growing on her.
He is all smooth and velvety.
I so loved both of the interviews with your girls. Is Mark next?
I vote for the Teddy Goat. I can’t really see cute on the “before” picture because I’m blinded by the dirt, debris, and outside stuff that I envision snarled in the fur just long enough for him to get inside before it freefalls somewhere on the carpet.
All that stuff you envision?
Exactly. Every time I let him play in the yard, he came in all covered in crap.
This photo was taken right after I cleaned him up for the trip to the groomer.
He usually looks much messier.
Short is good.
And goaty.
Have I mentioned how much I heart Maj? Lots. When is she going to start her own blog?
And I am totally team teddy bear. Way cuter.
Maj loves you.
So, Kallan is all fierce and won’t back down, the dog looks like an angry goat and you don’t like quotation marks. Got it.
Maj cracks me up.
And also – I like the groomed version of Jack. He’s darling in a terrier sort of way…and less velcro-like.
He is all terrier — Lakeland Terrier, to be exact.
He is adorable in all fur versions.
But also? He is satan’s evil minion.
We have a pug like that – Skip The Flying Pug. She is a solid 10 pounds of wiggely destruction. Gotta love ‘em anyway. Lakeland terriers are clearly a loveable handful too. :)
Our Labrador is lovely, but a bit boring.
I wanted a second dog with a bit more personality.
I should have defined bit.
Sorry, Maj, I vote goat. I think he looks adorable. Shouldn’t you be appreciating that as a goat he’s much less dirty? He’s dragging around less germs, Maj! And I really feel for you, having that gross toe-shaped scab. Ick. People should so groom their nails before they go swimming at a water park.
A few minutes ago I was all anxious and I thought, “Maybe there’s a new Pretty All True up.” And now I am all relaxed. Thanks Kris!
Maj is now growing more attached to the new goaty Jack.
She just needed some time to adjust.
She is like that.
But the toenail-shaped scab? That is way gross.
Stupid sharp-toed man.
I would have to agree with Maj on the cute and fluffiness of the teddy bear Jack but I do understand the practicality of the little goat Jack. And I have 2 baby fainting goats. They shed. Alot. Like more than alot. Its crazy. They are cute though. And I must say, the way GoatJack is standing with his back legs, he does kinda look like my baby goats. Except without horns.
And also, I’m so glad you’re feeling better Maj! Being sick is never any fun. And give indoor water parks another try. They sure can be fun!!
She loves water parks, but this is the second time she has been germed up at one.
And this most recent illness? Took her totally out for 4 entire days of yuck.
It may be a while.
He has horns.
Little furry invisible devil horns.
Bahahahahaha!! Poor Jack with his furry invisible devil horns. I should have thought of that thinking back to his tappity shit tap dance in the bath tub. That would definately be a work of a fuzzy teddybeargoat with furry devil horns.
And my goats will headbutt the dogs. And in doing so, scare themselves and make their legs lock up and “faint” and when they do this? I am destroyed by laughter! Dogs looking around wondering what the hell just happened to them and goats lying around in the grass trying to get up.
Hilarity!
My Jack? He would not be chased or head-butted. He backs down from nothing. He is fierce.
Like Kallan.
And then your goats would faint and Jack would stand on them.
And then possibly mark them with urine.
Hilarity!
I think I would pee my pants a lot from laughing if I lived in your house. Mark is a lucky man to have you three funny ladies.
I know you’ve said he is growing on her but explain to Maj that goat dog is much easier to keep clean. Less germs. Better dog.
Luckily?
Mark is not an easy giggler. And his bladder is all powerful.
And Maj? Is snuggling with goat dog as I type this.
He is growing on her.
Ha. I am picturing a bladder with a super cape.
Snort!
And how excellent would the letters APB be emblazoned on his cape?
Happy snorts.
Mean little goat is my favourite part. And her objection about the lack of quotation marks and the implied snorts! Thanks to Maj and Kallan for helping you keep us more than entertained!
Maj is a perfectionist.
She likes things the way they are supposed to be.
I annoy her.
I am with Maj. I do not do water parks. They are germy and gross and I don’t care how much chlorine gets put in the water. Someone else has peed in it or their poop particles are floating around all germy-like waiting to infect me.
No water parks for me.
And goat Jack wins.
Maj adores water parks so much that she put aside her germ-phobia.
And has paid the price.
Paranoia firmly back in place.
Sigh.
I so love your girls. They are awesome. Fly to get the fruit? Brilliant!!
And, I will be the minority and say that I like the teddy goat. He is ADORABLE.
Do you mean the teddy bear?
Because everyone seems to like the goat version.
You’re not short. Aren’t you the same height as me????
Yes!
Shortie.
We used to call our cat: Satan, The Home Game.
That was the little cat. Then we got Nimbus, he of the vet stabbing, and the demon found a new and more powerful host and jumped ship.
But we were talking about Maj.
If Kallan needs to take over reality TV, Maj needs to take over national policy.
Because I’m quite certain I would sleep better at night.
Satan, The Home Game???
That . . .is . . . awesome.
Oh I have to agree with Maj, Teddy bear Jack is way more cute!
She will love that you think so!
She has been outvoted today.
That annoys her.
I like Teddy Goat!
how is it you are raising a grown woman?
Teddy goat is way cute.
And Maj? She is all grown up in an eleven year old’s body.
I adore your children! They make me giggle and snort. My daughter also does not do so well with change, she takes after her grandfather that way. He will go into total meltdown if you move anything at his house. Which is very fun to do Bahahahahahaha (my not so evil laugh). I vote for goat dog. I’m all about easy…Wait that came out wrong!
Also, I go in to the hospital on Monday to be induced so could you please not write anything super doper hysterical until I get back? I don’t want to comment like 3 days late because well…That is just weird and way late. I don’t know what I’m going to do without my daily dose of Kris for 2 days :)
YAY!
That is so exciting!
I will try to be subdued this weekend.
Shhhhhhh.
YAY!
One time, fairly recently?
I moved a chair from an upstairs bedroom to a spot in the living room by the bay window.
Maj walked in the door and freaked out. What is that chair doing there? That is not where it goes! That is the stupidest place for a chair like that I have ever seen!
But shortly after that rant?
She sat in it. And adored it.
She sits in it all the time.
She just needs a little bit of time to adjust to change.
Even of the dog fur sort.
I must say I side with Maj…I love the teddy bear look. All fluffy and poofy looking.
It will grow back.
More quickly than you might imagine.
Maj does like him teddy-beared.
She put a sweater on him this evening, in case he’s cold.
It’s like 80 degrees outside.
I’m up late again, reading your blog and all the comments. I love reading comments on blogs. It’s like the icing on the cake. I’m torn because hairy terriers are cute, but only when their puppies. When their older I like them all groomed. So since he’s grown I say sorry Maj, don’t hate me!
I want to interview my almost 4 year old boy. But he would just yell about Battle Force Five the whole time. He’s pretty predictable. Plus I can barely understand him, so I don’t know how that would translate to paper, or blog or whatever.
You should interview your 4 year old!
That would be adorable.
And another vote for the goat!
So yeah, Kallan giving you crap about being short, that totally had me thinking that my Abigail will be giving me the same crap one day. I’m barely 5′1″. Ok, I’m 5′3/4″. And b/c the hubs is only 5′9″ or so, Abby will totally not be that tall at all. So yeah, she’s totally going to blame me. Thanks for the peak into my future!
Yeah.
Maj is extra short . . . all my fault!
Snort.
Oh, and I just realized you said Kallan.
Kallan is all sassy about her normal size.
Maj is the one who is short.
oops! Tell both of the girls I’m sorry. I was brain dead…it was almost midnight when I decided to comment.
Snort!
I go for the goat with a little more coat. Maybe two weeks from now would be perfect. He has that “I just got a haircut” look.
Yes, I think you are right.
Goat . . . but with a little more fluffy.
He’ll be perfect.
As soon as I read that Maj needed her own interview- HUGE SMILE HERE! P.S. I love Maj.
And I am loving the new hair cut, Maj needs to be more open minded about change- let her know. I’m certain from everything I’ve read about her that she will be more than receptive to this suggestion.
And in defense of Mark? It’s ridiculously difficult to know the precise moment to stop trimming. With every cut, it seems another needs to be shortened to make balance with the last, and sometimes that just becomes a never ending process and stumping the tree is inevitable. I think it’s more than likely that every tree stump you see is the result of some over eager trimming- HE IS NOT ALONE!
I will pass along that advice to Maj.
I’m sure she will be open and receptive to your suggestions.
Not.
And Mark? Should not be allowed to trim stuff.
He wanted to cut the dog’s hair himself.
Not even.
after is better. when dogs are shaggy like the first pic, they smell.
Are you calling my dog stinky?
Hmmmph.
Your kids are hilarious. And, frankly, the dog is cute both ways!
Thank you!
i think maybe this would be a good halloween costume bear or goat trouble maker dog costume. something has stuck with me since i read this yesterday…the toe….yuck and gross!! yuck yuck! gross! toe germs!
I know.
Sooooo disgusting.
This cracks me up. I wonder if my son will be like Maj when he gets older. Very “this is the way it is *supposed* to be.” She cracks me up.
However? I’m team Teddy Goat. As the cleaner of the house? I’m anti-crap tracking. Kids track in enough crap. The don’t need canine (or feline) reinforcements.
Oh, & may I also say, that between “halo good” and “circus short” I’m all giggly.
Also? I’m glad Maj is feeling better.
Thanks!
She is up and bossing all of us around today.
We’re all back to normal.
Good luck with your son!
Sometimes? It is tiring to try to keep track of all the things that are “supposed” to be a certain way.
And yes! Teddy Goat tracks in so much less dirt and nature!
YAY!
“Fun-sized.”
I still can’t get that one out of my head.
Except Maj? Is not always fun.
She is scary-sized, sometimes.
Oh, no doubt. I would sleep with one eye open, if I were you.
Bwah hah hah!
Maj is right. About the dog. And that you are probably the reason she’s short. My mom’s the reason I have small boobs. Jerk.
Are you calling me a jerk?
It sounds as though you are!
Jerk.
Please tell Maj I’m sorry for not commenting yesterday, LOL. She is right about the dog being cuter all fluffy and teddy bear-esque. But from the viewpoint of being an owner of my own extremely tangl-y dog who tracks crap in? Minature goat all the way…..
Hee hee! She will be delighted that another person came back to comment.
Especially when she hears that you agree that Teddy Bear is cuter.
Even if Teddy Goat is more sensible.
That was frickin fantastic!! HAHAHA I died laughing. He looks much better like a goat btw :)
I am a new reader… so can I ask, how old is Maj?
Yay for new readers!
And Maj is eleven.
Going on 35.
Maj is an insightful girl. Obviously has her mother’s wit. Being the victim of a toe stabbing is very disgusting, very. Give her my complete sypathies. And tell her than no man should be allowed to own or operate any trimming tools, None of them have the ability to control themselves once they get started. It is in their DNA. My trees and bushes get scalped regularly and it is very sad. No suprise that Daddy took Jack for his grooming.. was it a man groomer btw?? Groomed dogs are usually very embarrased about their appareance. He may feel better, and as the owner of two dogs that need grooming I know it is much easier….. but you just know he feels shame when he goes outside and sees the other dogs.
Sadly? At our house we have a man who refuses to pay for gardening services, because he claims he can do all of that work himself.
Badly.
He doesn’t actually say the badly part, but we all know it’s implied.
Snort.
I think that Maj needs to come teach a writing lesson in my class- maybe she could teach my students abbey punctuation. I love the word for word requirement, and I have to admit, I am with Maj- I like the Teddy Bear look :)
She loves that you love Teddy Bear, although she is now growing more accustomed to the new look.
She can see his eyes better this way. She likes that.
As a teacher? Maj would be an extremely tough grader.
Extremely tough.
Maj for Secretary of State 2036. Or maybe Speaker of the House. The lady’s choice. I swear, your kids would keep me in stitches all day long. I love Maj’s dramatics and Kallan’s purposeful antagonizing.
And I like Jack’s new do. He does look sort of like an angry goat. But I’m a fan of goats, so I appreciate the effect. Have Maj and Kallan been introduced to the hilarity that is fainting goats? If not, head on over to Youtube and search for fainting goat. So funny.
I did find the girls a youtube link for fainting goats.
Kallan thought it was hysterical!
Maj worried that they would hurt themselves, forever falling over like that.
But then she giggled.
Oh, I like Jack’s new look!
And I like your Snorts.
And I missed your blog while I was away!
Welcome back!
I missed you as well.
And I am still all jealous that you got to take a vacation.
Hmmmmph.
Maj reminds me so much of myself, I am so glad you did interviews with both girls! Oh and tell her I know all about being the shortest kid in class…every year :( I feel her pain on that one.
P.S. I like your “snort” so don’t stop that!
P.P.S. I like teddy goat cut only because I know what teddy bear cut is like to maintain.
I was also the shortest kid in class.
But not as short as Maj.
Poor short baby.
i like the mean bossy goat, sorry Maj.
Oh, and once I cried when my dad chopped down a tree in our yard because it was my “favorite”. I should now mention that I grew up in the woods. I hate change.
Oh, and I have 18 mosquito bites. in case you were wondering over there in your bug-less house.
Teddy goat, sorry Maj. But I do like the velcro-ball-o-fur aspect!! And I like that your Mom snorts. “laughed heartily” doesn’t quit explain it. AS for being short – I was the shortest in my class until the 7th grade and then I shot up and never grew noticeable amounts again. So there’s still time.
G’night Shorty (your Mom, not Maj) :)
Teddy Goat is quite adorable.
Although I will tell you that his new short fur? Has given him new and fabulous access to what we refer to as his “boy parts.”
He is loving the boy parts.
To which Maj says, “Mother! The dog is being disgusting again! Make him stop!”
Snort.
All things considered…Maj sounds alot like a young Nikki, from what I remember.
The toenail is the most disgusting place on a human body. If my husband even remotely scraps me with his while we are in bed sleeping…I get up and wash off my leg with rubbing alcohol.
And I too prefer teddy bears over goats.
Rubbing alcohol?
That is too funny!
I think Maj hoped the pool’s chlorine would be a curative.
She’ll know better next time.
I have stock in rubbing alcohol. I literally use it for everything.
Maj, if she had stock, would have stock in Purell.
She puts great stock in hand sanitizer.
Tell Maj I went back just to show her people still read this. And it was just as entertaining the second time as the first.
:-D
PS- It’s still a goat, not a dog. Put it in the backyard to keep the weeds down.
He eats fruit from the back yard. Things like strawberries and blueberries and plums.
Maybe some grass.
The fruit eating is not lovely, for reasons I am sure you can imagine.
But no weeds.
He draws the line there.
My vote is for Teddy Bear – before.
And for taking Mark’s trimming tools away.
And for French toast for dinner!
Teddy Bear will be back, sooner than you might think.
Mark will never give up his tools. He loves tools.
And French Toast for dinner? Did that. Way yummy.