Maj is finally feeling better this morning.
Well enough that she would like to have her say here on Pretty All True.
Kallan got to talk. It’s only fair.
We sit down on my bed, upstairs. Through the window, we can see the cherry tree. Its fruit is growing ripe, but from the ground? The fruit is impossible to reach.
How do you think we’re going to pick those cherries?
I don’t know. Daddy said he might cut off the branches, but that’s stupid. Then the tree will die and it won’t have any fruit next year. By the way? When did Daddy trim that little tree in the middle of the back yard?
He did that yesterday while you were sleeping.
You shouldn’t let him trim anything. I liked the tree the way it was. Why did you let him do that?
It’s hard to stop Daddy when he gets going with the trimmer. One time? A long time ago . . . I asked him to trim a tree that was blocking the view of a stop sign in front of our house. And guess what? He took it down to the stump.
Yes, that sounds about right. You should take Daddy’s trimming tools away.
What’s that big C-shaped scab you’ve got there on your leg?
What, this? This is where that man toe-stabbed me at the water park last week. Remember? I told you about that. It is disgusting, because you can see the shape of his toe in my leg. Probably he made me sick, with his disgusting toe germs. By the way? I am never going to an indoor water park again. Never. I am pretty sure that’s where I got sick.
Moving on . . . you want to tell me some best things? Like . . . What’s the best thing about Daddy?
Why do I have to do best things? Kallan got to say her worst things.
OK, fine . . . What’s the worst thing about Daddy?
That he chops down greenery in the back yard without asking me what I think.
What’s the worst thing about me?
That you are short. You are too short, and you are the reason I am too short.
Ok, but babe? It’s not like I am circus short.
Well, maybe not circus short, but pretty short. Newsflash, Mom! If 10 year olds are taller than you are? You are pretty short.
Fine. What’s the best thing about Kallan?
Nope. Kallan did another worst thing for me. She acted like she was going to say something nice about me, but she did not. I want to say the worst thing about Kallan.
Fine. Go ahead.
The worst thing about Kallan is that she is mean and bossy and aggressive, and when I fight with her? She always wins. But I am older, and so that’s not right. She never backs down, Mom. And she is all fierce. Sigh.
Anything else you want to share?
Yes, Daddy took Jack to get groomed and I don’t like how he looks now. He was all cute and fluffy like a teddy bear, and now he looks like a mean little goat. I don’t like him this way.
He looks fantastic! And his big hairdo? Was always getting caught up with burs and seeds and sticks. He was like a big Velcro ball of fur, rolling around the back yard picking up crap. This is way better.
It’s not better. He looks like a mean bossy miniature goat. You should post pictures and see what people think. I bet they would agree with me. You shouldn’t have gotten him groomed. I liked him the way he was.
Hmmmm . . . what else can I ask you? Oh, I know! Who is a better cook, Mom or Dad?
Daddy.
Hmmmph.
Wait! Do you mean who cooks more and who follows more recipes? Because that’s Daddy. If you mean whose food do I like to eat more? That’s yours. Daddy makes food that is too complicated and that only he will like. Kidney beans in spaghetti? That’s just gross. You make stuff like French toast. When can we have French toast again for dinner? You should cook more. Daddy’s been taking that over lately. You should cook more.
OK, last question. You ready?
Yes, I am ready, Mother. But I would just like to say here that when I read this? It had better be exactly what I said. Word for word. Do you hear me? Exactly what I said.
Snort. Got it. OK, here’s your last question. If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
First? I would wish that the neighborhood was filled with kids my age who wanted to play with me. Second? I would wish for a pool with a slide in our back yard.
And third wish?
I would wish that I could fly.
Really? That doesn’t sound like a Maj wish.
That way I could pick the cherries off of the tree. Duh.
Got it. Love you, babe.
Love you, M.
Happy sighs. . . .She calls me M sometimes.
UPDATE: OK, now it’s a little later. I have typed up the piece, and Maj has read it. She is shaking the paper in the air and staring at me with incredulous eyes.
Here’s Maj . . .
Mother? Do you not know how to use quotation marks? This is entirely inappropriate! How is anyone going to be able to tell who is talking? And snort? Nobody snorted. That’s ridiculous! You need to write down that you laughed. Nobody snorted. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t call you M. I believe I called you Mother. So change that.
You so called me M.
Fine. Leave it. If you don’t care that it’s not what happened, neither do I.
Snort.
I mean . . . I laughed heartily.
Snort.
And which do you like better?
Teddy Bear . . . Before
Or . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Teddy Goat . . . After
“mean bossy miniature goat” LMAO…I love that!!
your daughters sound like so much fun and they remind me of my sister and i…lol
So which do you like better? The bear or the goat version?
Maj wants to know.
hmmm i gotta say i like the teddy bear version better, although i understand the practicality of the goat version..lol.
Maj says, “Yes! Teddy bear is so much cuter.”
But she admits teddy goat is easier to brush.
I recently found your blog and am so addicted to it. I have been waiting all day for you to post. And, I’m sending your link to all my friends because you make me laugh so much. Your girls are awesome. My daughter is only 3 months old, and I can’t wait until she calls me Mother in that sarcastic tone. And while I am sure the Teddy Goat cut is much easier, I have to agree that the Teddy Bear cut is a little cuter :-)
It is cuter. But he is an active, rolling, mess-seeking kind of dog.
So all that hair? Is hard to keep neat and fluffy.
I am so glad you are enjoying Pretty All True!
pool w/ a slide….maybe she could live with a picture instead :) I can send you some. Cruel I know :P
That is not nice! NO taunting pictures!
Love you . . . even though you are cruel.
I so like the groomed look better, but I’m all about easy maintenance. :) He’s adorable, and Maj is really winning me over, she reminds me of me when I was 12. :)
I have been picking so much stuff out of his fur this summer.
And brushing him is a pain.
So I am really liking his new summer haircut!
But Maj? She is not big on change.
Snort! Definitely trim that puppy up! He look before like if he sneezed tons of wool would fly off of him in all directions!
Guess what, though?
He doesn’t shed!
He looks like a wooly duster, but he does not shed!
Looked like a wooly duster.
Now he’s all goatish.
Picture 2 needs a caption: Naaaaaa (or whatever goats say)
Well, at least he can see now. His eyes look all covered in the before pic. That’s a pretty long-haired goat you have. Where’s the doggy pic?
Snort.
Plus also?
Naaaaaaaaaa.
I have to say, I enjoy the goat look. He looks so sharp, like a well dressed man! I think the haircut is handsome. Plus now his ears look all velvety.
Maybe Maj would enjoy having a sweater made from his hair if she misses it so much:
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art41878.asp
A sweater from dog hair?
Jack (the dog) would pee all over it!
What is my fur doing in the shape of clothing? CLAIM CLAIM CLAIM . . .
Snort.
And the dog? He looks much more terrierish now, all manly . . . in a goat sort of way.
I like the goat dog. In all other matters, I agree with Maj.
I may have told you once or a thousand times that I love Maj.
Goat dog is growing on her.
He is all smooth and velvety.
I so loved both of the interviews with your girls. Is Mark next?
I vote for the Teddy Goat. I can’t really see cute on the “before” picture because I’m blinded by the dirt, debris, and outside stuff that I envision snarled in the fur just long enough for him to get inside before it freefalls somewhere on the carpet.
All that stuff you envision?
Exactly. Every time I let him play in the yard, he came in all covered in crap.
This photo was taken right after I cleaned him up for the trip to the groomer.
He usually looks much messier.
Short is good.
And goaty.
Have I mentioned how much I heart Maj? Lots. When is she going to start her own blog?
And I am totally team teddy bear. Way cuter.
Maj loves you.
So, Kallan is all fierce and won’t back down, the dog looks like an angry goat and you don’t like quotation marks. Got it.
Maj cracks me up.
And also – I like the groomed version of Jack. He’s darling in a terrier sort of way…and less velcro-like.
He is all terrier — Lakeland Terrier, to be exact.
He is adorable in all fur versions.
But also? He is satan’s evil minion.
We have a pug like that – Skip The Flying Pug. She is a solid 10 pounds of wiggely destruction. Gotta love ‘em anyway. Lakeland terriers are clearly a loveable handful too. :)
Our Labrador is lovely, but a bit boring.
I wanted a second dog with a bit more personality.
I should have defined bit.
Sorry, Maj, I vote goat. I think he looks adorable. Shouldn’t you be appreciating that as a goat he’s much less dirty? He’s dragging around less germs, Maj! And I really feel for you, having that gross toe-shaped scab. Ick. People should so groom their nails before they go swimming at a water park.
A few minutes ago I was all anxious and I thought, “Maybe there’s a new Pretty All True up.” And now I am all relaxed. Thanks Kris!
Maj is now growing more attached to the new goaty Jack.
She just needed some time to adjust.
She is like that.
But the toenail-shaped scab? That is way gross.
Stupid sharp-toed man.
I would have to agree with Maj on the cute and fluffiness of the teddy bear Jack but I do understand the practicality of the little goat Jack. And I have 2 baby fainting goats. They shed. Alot. Like more than alot. Its crazy. They are cute though. And I must say, the way GoatJack is standing with his back legs, he does kinda look like my baby goats. Except without horns.
And also, I’m so glad you’re feeling better Maj! Being sick is never any fun. And give indoor water parks another try. They sure can be fun!!
She loves water parks, but this is the second time she has been germed up at one.
And this most recent illness? Took her totally out for 4 entire days of yuck.
It may be a while.
He has horns.
Little furry invisible devil horns.
Bahahahahaha!! Poor Jack with his furry invisible devil horns. I should have thought of that thinking back to his tappity shit tap dance in the bath tub. That would definately be a work of a fuzzy teddybeargoat with furry devil horns.
And my goats will headbutt the dogs. And in doing so, scare themselves and make their legs lock up and “faint” and when they do this? I am destroyed by laughter! Dogs looking around wondering what the hell just happened to them and goats lying around in the grass trying to get up.
Hilarity!
My Jack? He would not be chased or head-butted. He backs down from nothing. He is fierce.
Like Kallan.
And then your goats would faint and Jack would stand on them.
And then possibly mark them with urine.
Hilarity!
I think I would pee my pants a lot from laughing if I lived in your house. Mark is a lucky man to have you three funny ladies.
I know you’ve said he is growing on her but explain to Maj that goat dog is much easier to keep clean. Less germs. Better dog.
Luckily?
Mark is not an easy giggler. And his bladder is all powerful.
And Maj? Is snuggling with goat dog as I type this.
He is growing on her.
Ha. I am picturing a bladder with a super cape.
Snort!
And how excellent would the letters APB be emblazoned on his cape?
Happy snorts.
Mean little goat is my favourite part. And her objection about the lack of quotation marks and the implied snorts! Thanks to Maj and Kallan for helping you keep us more than entertained!
Maj is a perfectionist.
She likes things the way they are supposed to be.
I annoy her.