Today is Kallan’s birthday.
Yesterday was the day before Kallan’s birthday, and because I have become the woman who waits until the very last minute to do things? I had to go shopping for Kallan’s birthday presents. Maj decides she wants to come along to offer assistance.
I know Maj loves her sister, but I also know that she wants to be sure that I don’t go all crazy and buy Kallan too many gifts. Maj has resigned herself to the fact that I love her younger sister more, but she draws the line at having that greater love demonstrated with greater gifts. Maj knows the truth, but she wants it to appear as though I love them equally.
Maj drives me crazy.
Consider this . . .
We are walking the other day, and I dig in my purse for a mint. I find two and pop one in my mouth. Which leaves me with one. Kallan is standing next to me at that moment and when she asks me for the last mint, I hand it to her without thinking about it.
Maj is right there, “Can I have a mint?”
I dig around in my purse, but come up empty-handed, “Sorry, babe. That was the last one.”
“Are you kidding me? Why did she get it?”
“It was a tiny mint. She asked me for it. Sorry.”
Maj is incredulous, “You are sorry? I have nothing, and you are sorry?”
“I didn’t realize it was going to be a big deal.”
“Mother, Kallan has been a huge whiny baby today (Kallan squeals in whiny baby protest at this bit of news), and if anyone is going to get the last mint? It should be me.”
“Maj, I am sorry. I can’t really fix it. Can we please just move on?”
Maj does not move on, “So that’s how it works, I guess. Kallan is all whiny and then she gets what she wants. OK, well that is just perfect, Mother. Just perfect.”
I am exasperated, “If that was how it worked, Maj? If I really rewarded my children every time they whined? Then your room, Maj? It would be filled with treasure.”
Kallan snorts, “Good one, Mom!”
She turns to Maj, “Get it, Maj? Because you whine a lot, and so your room would be all crowded with treasure.”
Maj is all spitty with anger, “Get away from me with your disgusting minty-fresh breath.”
Sigh.
So Maj is going to help me go birthday shopping for Kallan.
We are about to leave.
I am sorting through my purse, trying to figure out why it weighs approximately 37 pounds. What the fuck is in here? Maj grows impatient and tells me she is going to run out and check the mail. Fine.
I stand and watch out the front window as she heads to the end of the driveway, gets the mail, and then heads back. She is about halfway up the driveway when she is attacked.
Did you ever see those Peter Sellers movies? The Pink Panther series? Man, I loved those when I was a kid. Remember Cato? The guy who popped out of nowhere to attack Inspector Clouseau in order to keep him ready for anything? The guy who was supposed to ambush Clouseau when he “least expected” it?
Kallan is Cato to Maj’s bumbling Inspector Clouseau.
Kallan just springs out from behind the car and throws herself at Maj. Like a fucking mountain lion ninja warrior. She is all over Maj, and Maj is screaming in terror. Kallan hits and kicks and rips at the mail Maj is holding and then? Just as suddenly as she appears, Kallan/Cato is gone. And so is the mail.
Maj is not gone. Maj is right in my face screaming about how Kallan has tried to kill her. Those are the actual words she uses.
“KALLAN IS INSANE! SHE TRIED TO KILL ME! MOTHER! SHE TRIED TO KILL ME!”
I am furious with Kallan, who is standing in the garage all innocently. She has no idea that I was watching the whole thing through the window. The mail? Is piled sweetly on the garage counter.
“Ummmm . . . Kallan?”
“Yes?”
“I want to just skip the part where you lie and deny and scream about how I never listen to you.”
Kallan is all wide-eyed innocence . . . What is Mother talking about?
I continue, “Yes, let’s just skip right to the part where you consider the fact that I am about to take your sister with me to the mall to pick out your birthday presents. The same sister you just attacked in the driveway.”
Kallan’s eyes fill with horror as she realizes what she has done.
I keep talking, “That sister? She is in the house crying because she says you tried to kill her. Hmmmmmm . . . I wonder how sad your birthday party is going to be if I let Maj decide what you get for your birthday?”
And Kallan is off and running and offering crocodile tears and overly heartfelt apologies to Maj, who is having none of it.
I send Kallan to her room.
Leave instructions with Mark that she is to stay there for a half hour. Mark is all clueless even though he has been standing in the middle of everything, “Kallan is in trouble?”
Sigh.
And then Maj and I head off to the mall.
I cannot even remember the last time I had that much fun shopping.
If it was up to Maj? Kallan would be getting nothing.
Kallan needs to learn a lesson, apparently.
Maj watches me buy a bicycle for the favorite child with angry judgmental eyes. She does not speak, but I can hear her thoughts as we wheel the bike to the car.
Seriously, Mother? She tries to kill me and we reward her with a bike? I am going to have to live my whole life in fear now. That is just perfect, Mother. Just perfect.
She is all silent and ragey as we drive home.
Fuck.
And also?
Happy birthday, Cato!
Every Maj and Kallan story, no matter how ridiculous, makes me think of my sister and I who – thanks to my father finally acting like a big enough jerk for her to Get It – are finally starting to get along.
On our flight home from our Dad’s third wedding, we were nice to each other for almost an hour before she fell asleep. Husband was shocked. When we landed at LAX, I tapped her on the shoulder in the baggage claim to say goodbye and point out that Mischa Barton was outside hovering around her busted up car, but Sister whirled and snapped “WHAT!?!?” I was a little heartbroken because the Being Nice time was over again, so Husband and I just took off for home.
According to mom, Sister complained the next day, “And they just took off! WITHOUT ME!”
Sister relationships? They are difficult.
But at least you had that lovely time in the air kicking ass in the trivia contest. That was you, right?
A tiny break from your real life . . . because once you are back on the ground?
The rules of gravity (and of familial interaction) are no longer suspended.
Hell yeah, that was us! We STOMPED that little smartass in seat 4C.
She invited me out for pizza and beer a few weeks later, but I couldn’t go, cos Life! I think she interpreted that as Hating Her.
:-)
That makes me laugh!
Oh my god, so many times in my family . . . so many times, something has been misinterpreted through the haze of a lifetime of sibling bullshit.
Sigh.
Mom longs for the day that Sister and I are BFFs. She never had sisters. She doesn’t get it.
Heck, both of my grandmothers? At any given point, one or all of their siblings are giving each other the silent treatment.
Yes, I am currently being all silented by several of my siblings.
I am annoying, apparently.
The thing I love about this? Is Mark standing in the middle of everything & being clueless. Hub does this to me all the time. It amazes me how they can stand there staring at something happening & be totally unaware of it.
Also, the 37lb purse? If you figure it out, let me know. I think there are gnomes that are putting heavy shit in my purse while I sleep. Or perhaps living in my purse. That would be better because then when the kids were bored? I could pull a gnome out of my purse to entertain them.
And fratricide? Nice. LoL I need to start using tags.
Mark is often clueless, but I believe this is a choice he makes.
He was standing in the open garage as Kallan attacked Maj and Maj screamed. What the fuck, Mark?
My purse is where everybody puts everything they promised they would be happy to carry for themselves when we left the house. Sunglasses, papers, jewelry, candy, notebooks, pens, toys, hats.
I need a smaller purse so there is no room for their crap.
And tags? They are way fun.
ok, the “mom” part of me does not find this funny. because i would be completely pissed at this situation. however, the other part finds this hilarious. I LOVE how they always think they’re dying or some is trying to kill them. so much drama, and yet so much humor.
and happy birthday kallan/cato!
I was pissed, but how am I seriously going to not buy Kallan gifts?
I have learned to put the piss aside.
Otherwise, we would never get to celebrate anything.
if the piss ruled, we wouldn’t leave the house. like, ever.
Exactly.
Piss cannot carry the day.
One day these two sisters, who think each other is the enemy, will be best friends. Seriously. And they’ll look back on these times and laugh so hard they’ll cry. And you, well you will have sweet satisfaction. Sisters, can’t live with em, but you sure as hell can’t live without em either.
They are at times quite lovely together.
Last night? They baked and frosted Kallan’s birthday cake together. Without me.
That was a lovely moment. There are many lovely moments.
And then? When we least expect it? We are attacked.
Oh no, so do NOT count on sisters ending up friends! It may come & go through the years, speaking, silent, speaking again, but my sister & I fought like cats & cats (so much more violent than cats & dogs) through our childhood. I plotted to kill her so many times, but I knew they would blame it on me no matter how well I covered my tracks, even at 10 years old I figured that out, lol!
In the end, you can choose to be friends, or you can choose other friends…
Sometimes it’s too much work to not be Cato.
I so hope that they will choose to be friends.
I love your kids.
And no, I will not babysit them.
For babysitters?
They are angelic.
True story.
Your stories make my heart happy
Thank you!
I love happy hearts!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LION NINJA WARRIOR!!
ROAR!
This is hilarious! Your girls are my boys in feminine form. Exactly. I love this. My 8 year old is my mini-me. A mini-me who can sometimes become “a fucking mountain lion ninja warrior”… My oldest? Drives me absolutely nuts 95% of the time. I think I know how you feel.
Sigh. I know how you feel.
All too well.
It is exhausting!
Dude. I totally thought the internet ate my comment. It is here! Whew. I still whined a bit on Twitter, anyway. But it’s ok bc I posted a link, right? Wow, I think my dizziness is more exhausting than my kids sometimes. Or possibly I can blame the dizziness on them. Yes. That is what I’ll do. Ha!
I didn’t even notice the whining.
I have grown immune to whining.
Happy Birthday Kallan!
My mom always says that my husbands ability to stand in the middle of a situation and be completely oblivious is because he’s an engineer. She calls him the absent minded professor. He isn’t a professor. I say it’s because he’s trying to drive me insane. But I saw on Twitter Mark’s undergrad degree is electrical engineering same as my husbands. Maybe she’s on to something. Or Mark is trying to drive you insane.
Mark has much education after his undergraduate degree, and he has moved on in his professional life.
But yes, Electrical Engineering. And he is very much an electrical engineer in his ability to ignore problems of the smallish-daughter variety.
And I do believe it amuses him to drive me insane.
My husband’s Masters is in Photonics so he hasn’t moved very far from the Electrical Engineering. He does research that really excites people until they ask him to explain it. Then their eyes roll back in their heads. Did you know there is hydrogen in water? Some people don’t. I get sad for our education system when he tells me this.
Snort — Yes, I am familiar with the H2O concept.
Although when Mark tells me about electrical engineering concepts, my head lolls all about with sleepy boredom.
He loves that.
Happy Birthday Kallan! Way to take your ninja warrior skills to the next level. Next time…Make sure no one sees you LOL…
She was stunned when she realized I had seen her.
Stunned.
She is normally way stealthy.
According to Maj.
Holy cow: My Rachel sounds a lot like your Maj! Reading your posts tells me what to look forward to in a couple years.
My minty gum? I always hide it, and share with no children! You should tell Maj that at least you aren’t as mean as SOME Moms.
I know there are lots of beautiful sister moments, but they aren’t nearly as funny!
Sometimes, I am surprised at what gets me into trouble.
A mint? Really? Sigh.
And you are correct . . . the beautiful sister moments, while lovely, are not as fun to write about.
Or read about, I am guessing.
My sister was the fav child in my house – no seriously, she was. I’ll sum it up at 19 – I had a car, a job, was in university doing very well thankyouveyrmuch and bills. My sister had no job, no bills and was a senior in high school and she had NO curfew. Me? I had to be in the house by 11 pm.
They called me Cinderella at my work.
No word of a lie.
Have I mentioned how much I like the way you write? It makes me laugh that your children call you Mother instead of Mom or it’s equal. And how you told Kallan about b-day shopping with Maj – PRICELESS!! I bow – I truly bow to your sarcastic wit. Wonderful. I just love it!
Priceless.
M
I do not pick favorites, but my daughters are very different, and it is impossible to treat them exactly the same at all times.
Impossible.
And Maj takes note.
Of everything.
I really never thought about how my kids will accuse me of favoring another in the future years. Just thinking about how I’m going to have to battle that exhausts me.
Happy birthday to Kallan!
Kallan does get away with more crap.
Mostly because she tries more crap. If I punished Kallan for every offense Maj points out?
Kallan would be all trapped and Rapunzeled in her room, trying to climb down her own hair to escape.
A HUGE happy birthday to Kallan! I love how they are so good at that all-big-eyed-innocent-what-me? kind of look. My daughters are masters at it.
Yes, Kallan has many skills.
Her Bambi-eyes? They are perfection.
For a second I thought you were going to discover that your purse weighed 37 lbs because Maj had been loading you up with mints so that you always had enough for both of them. Haha! Happy Birthday Kallan!
Nope. Maj took a roll of mints out of the cupboard for herself, so that she will have one the next time I am all loving and sharing and exclusive with Kallan.
Not even kidding.