I did not want to go to the stupid Oregon Brewers Festival. At all.
But we went, because I am just that fucking awesome.
And Mark really wanted to go.
Plus, my sister was there with her family, and I did want to see them.
But I didn’t want to go to the stupid brewers festival.
But I went.
I told Mark . . . I don’t want to drink any beer, because I have a headache and my back hurts and I am feeling all bloated and I am all hormonal and cranky and it is hot and it is the middle of the day and I want to be able to get stuff done when we get home and if I drink beer in the middle of the afternoon I will just be tired and fuzzy-headed and then I won’t get anything done and then Sunday will be wasted so I do not want to drink any beer.
I could not have been more clear.
And so Mark spent the afternoon plying me with beer samples. Because he is an idiot.
And I drank them. Because I am an idiot.
Not a lot . . . maybe two and a half glasses of beer over the course of four hours.
And it was nice to see my sister and her family.
We got home a little after 5:00 pm. And then I took a nap.
Duh.
And now I am awake. And I am not feeling that great and I am still hormonal and my head is filled with testiness that the day has slipped through my fingers just as I thought it would. Annoying.
I spend some time glaring at Mark.
He gets all nervous when I glare at him, “Did you post yet?”
“No, I did not post yet. My brain is all filled with annoyance. I can’t think of anything to say.”
“Hmmmmm . . . .You could post about how I have crushed your creative writing spirit by taking you to a beer festival.”
Snort!
It is hard to stay mad at Mark.
Sigh.
But I still don’t have anything to write about. I am not going to write a whole post about how bitchy I am when I get my period, because people? That’s just none of your fucking business.
So instead, I sit and stare angrily at the computer screen and eat a series of frozen Otter Pops in rapid succession. Mostly purple, because that’s the color the girls leave behind.
Turns out that if you are allergic to cold? You need to pace yourself where Otter Pops are concerned.
Hmmmph.
Mark comes down to see how I am doing, “Did you think of something to write about?”
“No, and my lack of inspiration? All . . . your . . . fault. Plus? My hands are all swollen and itchy.”
“What?”
“My hands are all swollen and itchy, a fact which may or may not have something to do with the fact that I just ate five frozen Otter Pops in a row.”
He laughs, “You’re an idiot.”
I rub my hands together to warm them and bring the swelling down.
I am all freakish.
Plus also? It is difficult to type with swollen fingers.
Mark reaches out for me, but I bat his hand away with one of my mitt-like Otter Pop paws, “What the fuck are you doing? Are you comforting me? Get away from me!”
“Fine, I was just trying to offer you the hand of solace. But if you don’t want it? That’s fine.”
“The hand of solace?”
“Yep.”
Snort!
It is hard to stay mad at Mark.
Although when I think of the things he promised to help me do today, I am annoyed. Pretty much? He did nothing I asked him to do. Not that this is a new and startling development in our marriage, but there are certain times when he just pisses me the hell off.
He is hiding with Maj and Kallan in the other room at the moment, watching some tweenie television show and giggling like a little girl.
And by the way? Watching crap television with the girls while I try to be all inspired and poignant in the next room? Not my fucking idea of supportive.
Marriage is a pain in the ass sometimes.
Hmmmph.
And now he is here, “Babe?”
“What? Are you kidding me? I just started typing and you need something? What?”
“You want another Otter Pop?”
“Oh. Yeah, alright. Do we have any orange?”
“Let me check.”
Hmmmph.
It is hard to stay mad at Mark.
Plus also?
I may be addicted to Otter Pops.
Yeah…J can be annoying too, but then he makes me laugh and I can’t stay mad at him either. Also, I don’t buy Otter pops because then I eat them all.
According to the girls?
I am eating more than my fair share.
But by my reasoning? The purple ones shouldn’t count, because they don’t even like the purple ones.
They disagree.
Okay, I can overlook the poor judgement on your part to eat Otter Pops instead of Flav-Or-Ice, but I what cannot even begin to comprehend–period or not–is your disinterest in the Oregon Brewers Festival.
WTF?
We’ve been trying to coordinate a trip up there for two years now! I’m disillusioned, distraught, and disappointed now.
And really? Otter Pops? Really?
I was cranky.
I believe I mentioned that.
If Mark was posting about the event? He would be all rhapsodic.
I was cranky.
And yes . . . Otter Pops.
Really, disbelieving one.
Really.
you did a good job hiding the crankiness! greg had visions of getting things done after the fest, but i told him before we went not gonna happen once we hang in the heat and drink beers. he was only kinda crabby later and stayed up late finishing his paper and i guess if i was a good wife i’d have some clue of the class he’s taking now or the content of his paper oh well…otter pops are the best and are in our freezer as we speak hmmm sounds good about now, i never eat the purple flavor i leave those for greg.
Wait until the girls are older and take things from the freezer without having to ask.
You will only have purple.
They’re not so bad.
And your girls? Oh my goodness, they are just so awesomely beautiful.
I keep giggling when I remember your question, whispered across the table as Maj roamed crankily about in search of root beer refills . . .
Something like . . .
How will you know when she’s a teenager and doing teenager stuff? How could it possibly look much different than this?
Snort!
Oh my goodness! Otter Pops! I haven’t had one of those in years!
Way better than Fla-Vor-Ice!
I couldn’t stay mad at your Mark, either. He sounds pretty funny!
Mark is pretty funny.
He gets on my nerves sometimes. But he is pretty funny.
Gah! My hands got swollen and tingly-numb constantly when I was pregnant. Hated it. You must reaaallly love those Otter Pops. Oh, and hand of solace? Well played, Mark. Snort.
Mark is all smart-assy sometimes.
Was your tongue purple after eating them?? After 5 in a row, it should be.. Hell, your pee might be purple too!! Anyway, I love it when your tongue turns colour!!
Definitely purple.
The doctors have warned me that there may come a day when I will need to avoid eating frozen foods, as the allergy may spread to affect my mouth and throat.
That would suck.
Snort!
The girl is completely addicted to Otter Pops, and as they are 25 calories each, I do not think it’s a particularly horrid addiction. Beats crack.
Okay, not really. Nothing beats crack.
Except murdering drifters. That’s way better than crack. Totally.
It’s a wonder I’m not in prison, really.
But that’s why you kill drifters, and not the next door neighbors, right?
Der!
Nigel, you are full of useful information that you fail to impart in a timely manner.
Everyone thinks the neighbors went to Hawaii.
What the fuck do I do now?
This is why you have two children: one to offer up to the police when you need a scapegoat.
I’d better get cracking on that second one myself. I might even need a third, at the rate I’m going.
I’m going to need a third child.
Neither of the two I have now?
Would agree to be a scapegoat.