“You’re wearing that? You look stupid.”
And then . . . “Augh! AUGH!”
Followed by the muffled sounds of someone taking the carpeted stairs in a slightly uncontrolled fashion. Down to the basement.
To me.
“Mother? Kallan just pushed me down the stairs! What she did was extremely life threatening!”
“But you survived, I see.”
“Would you like to punish her, Mother? MOTHER??? She needs punishing, Mother. Don’t you want to DO something about this?”
“Nah. I heard you tell her she looked stupid right before you got pushed. And you didn’t die. I’m all good.”
“She’s being hideous again. She is always hideous. You should fix that.”
“Yes, well . . . You two are wearing me out. I said I would take you to the lake, and I am willing to do that. But if you and Kallan cannot get ready to go without fighting? We will just skip the lake, and I will take a nap.”
Maj looks at me, “Well, that seems overly severe. We’re just being sisters.”
“Then take your sister-self upstairs and deal with your sister. Without me.”
“Geez, somebody’s in a bad mood.”
I call after her, “I am not in a bad mood, but I was not kidding about the nap.”
I would love to take a nap.
Instead I head upstairs to brush my teeth and pull my hair into a ponytail and splash some water on my face. I am in the bathroom for about 30 seconds when I hear Maj screaming from downstairs.
“I cannot find my goggles! I put them right here and now they are not here. Where are my goggles?”
I walk to the top of the stairs, toothbrush in my hand, and see Maj standing at the front door. Staring at the small empty hallway table on which her goggles . . . are not.
I call down, “Probably, Maj? It would be a good idea to look somewhere else.”
She is furious, “But this is where I left them. Right here, Mother.” She gestures wildly with her hand like she is Vanna White on crack, “RIGHT HERE.”
“Yes, well . . . you are going to have to consider the possibility that they are not where you think you left them.”
“That’s insane! I left them right here and they should be right here! I don’t think I left them here. I LEFT them here. I need your help! I need you to come down and find them for me!”
Kallan pipes up, all helpful, patting the empty table surface like a blind person, “Well, if you left them here, Maj . . . they must be here. Maybe they are invisible.”
My girls? Are driving me insane.
“Kallan, stop being a pain. And Maj? I am not coming down right now.”
“What do you mean you are not coming down? I NEED YOUR HELP!”
“Nope.”
“What do you mean, Nope? I need you to help me!”
I yell down the stairs, “I can see that this is clearly an emergency, Maj, but I am taking a moment to adjust my own oxygen mask.”
I imagine the stewardess . . . Children’s lives are filled with emergencies. In case of an emergency, please remember to secure your own oxygen mask first.
Back at my house, there is silence, and then a puzzled, “What did you say?” as Maj climbs the stairs to find me.
I speak around my toothbrush, “I said that I am dealing with my own emergency first. I am brushing my teeth and brushing my hair and rinsing my face. Once I am all calm and settled and oxygen is flowing freely through my mask? Then I will come down to deal with your goggles emergency.”
“OK, but your stuff is not an emergency.”
“And neither is yours, Maj.”
“Oh.”
Sigh.
I finish my bathroom routine, and turn to Maj, “Now about your goggles. Obviously, they are not on that small round table by the front door.”
Maj is all stubborn and crabby, “But that’s where I left them.”
“Hmmmmm . . . Oh, wait! Maj! Remember the other day when we were out driving, and I saw that deer up the small road on the right? But no one else saw it, and I yelled at Daddy to turn the car around and go up the small road so that we could all see the deer?”
“Yeah.”
“And remember that Daddy turned the car around, but then he would not drive up the small road, because he said it was a driveway? And so he drove us up the next block to look for the deer, even though that was not where the deer was?”
Maj snorts, “Yeah. That was stupid.”
“And remember how I teased him? About how incredibly lame it was to look for the deer where it wasn’t? Remember that, Maj?”
“Yes.”
I look at Maj expectantly, “So . . . . . . .”
She slumps, “So I should stop being stupid and look for the goggles where they might actually be?”
“Yay, Maj!”
Maj heads off to search for her goggles. Finds them.
And then we are off to the lake.
Where there are lots and lots of lifeguards. Which is a good thing.
Because I may have taken a nap.
“In the event of sudden cabin depressurization, an oxygen mask will drop from the compartment above you. Stop screaming long enough to place the mask over your nose and mouth before helping the screaming passenger next to you.”
I love Southwest.
And in totally unrelated news, the autofill in your comments fields only likes me sometimes. I’m not sure what I do to piss it off, but clearly it’s something because some days it’s happy to fill in my info, some days it makes me type it my owned damned self.
Maybe I should bring chocolate.
I hate flying. And I hate the funny pilot comments.
Stop joking and just fly the plane, funny-man.
I will ask Mark about the auto-fill settings.
Totally do not ask Mark about auto-fill, I was only going for silliness in a random sort of way.
Our explanation will be thus: sometimes I just type so frickin’ fast that the autofill can’t keep up.
But sometimes I’m slow…and the auto-fill saves me.
I hate flying too. It’s amazing how often I fly for someone who hates it. I’m okay with funny flight attendant people though. Keeps me from injuring the passenger next to me. Which is usually my husband.
I am not a good flyer.
As in . . . I am convinced that only my constant vigilance is keeping the plane in the air. And if I relax for even a second? We will all fall out of the sky and crash in a hellish fireball.
So flying is very stressful.
I try not to do it.
Whew – after reading Lori’s comment I was frightened I’d be forced to fill in my own info. Thankfully, that tragedy did not come to pass.
Also, I love your family – and can’t wait for your daughters to get older then come back and read this blog.
I am glad the crisis was averted!
Whew!
And thanks for the love!
I love that you have found a place with life guards. My childhood? We got baths after swimming to check for leeches. Fun stuff. And there were no lifeguards ever. So when I was 8 and did a nose dive into the water and was so stunned I could not get up again? My dad had to run down the beach and into the water to get me, because my sisters and I? Probably drove them to need a nap hee hee.
ACK! No diving in the shallow water! ACK!
I’m glad you were OK!
And if there was ever a leech hanging from either of my daughters?
Maj would never go swimming in unchlorinated water again.
Wait…I fill out my info EVERY time! It’s because I use blogspot right? I’m being punished for my non-wordpress blog.
Here’s an idea. You should let your girls do a little writing one day. I would love to hear things from there perspective.
And for what it’s worth…I meant their.
I knew that.
I will check with tech-support guy, as I have no idea about how to adjust the auto-fill settings.
The girls will not be writing . . . I would be all screamy in their versions.
Screamy and unreasonable.
They get confused.
I *think* auto-fill is based on cookies. If your browser settings won’t allow them, then they won’t auto-populate.
YAY!
It is not my fault!
Love when that happens.
Typical… blame it on tech support or the guy with monkey hands. So typical.
~~LOL~~
It’s always tech-support’s fault.
I am perfect.
“Vanna White on crack…” hahahaha. This whole thing sounds just like my sister! Emergencies all the time…
My daughters have decided that this will be the summer of drama.
Sigh.
I, too, have to fill in my info every time. Aargh! But it is worth it.
Maj’s tirade sounds really familiar. I feel like she recently did this same thing over something else. Does anyone remember that? I’m too lazy to look back and find it.
Maj is filled with emergencies of a life-threatening nature.
Are you thinking of our bicycle ride?
Just when you start to think you may indeed sell your crotch fruit to the gypsies.. you discover they’re too old, and now you’re stuck with them. In this event, might I suggest boxed wine and plenty of it!
Not a big wine drinker.
I think I just need more sleep.
::laughing so hard I’m crying:: Crotch fruit! That’s my new favorite phrase for forever!
Thank you – I SO needed that today.
Really?
That sort of creeped me out.
I’ve seen that phrase elsewhere, and it always creeps me out.
To each her own.
Were you a teacher before you had kids? Or perhaps in a previous life? Because, shit like that in my house would result in me ranting and raving and freaking out about how no one can be responsible for their own stuff and I have to do everything for everyone.
Oops, did I just go on a tirade?
Anyway, my point is that you handle things marvelously. Unlike me.
I have some experience teaching, and I home-schooled the girls for a while.
But mostly? I am patient because otherwise we would never get to go anywhere or do anything.
Ever.
And thank you.
“Well, if you left them here, Maj . . . they must be here. Maybe they are invisible.”
I love Kallan.
I also love this. “Among the blogs that do not give away free shit? I am #1!!!!”
Secretly? Here in the comments?
I need to find another ranking site.
TMB is pissing me off.
I told Deb that she’ll always be my number 2. She replied that is how she always feels, being second. I asked her if she knew what a #2 was… she didn’t appeciate my humor.
Snort.
I hate whoever created the mom job description to include the bullet point about needing to be the finder of everything.
Yes.
Who is that guy?
You know it was a guy.
so funny, and can I relate!!! I often wonder if we left our kids somewhere, would they be there when we went back! hmmmmm…. may have to test that one out!! I’ll let you know how it turns out!
Keep me posted!
Watch out in case they become invisible.
Makes me think of Ron White’s comedy act…
He’s on a small plane and one of the two engines gives out. A frantic passenger by him is worried how far the remaining engine will take them. His response? Why, all the way to the crash scene! The way they’re haulin’ ass, they’ll probably get there a good half hour before the fire department. His biggest fear about falling asleep on a plane? Waking up in the middle of cornfield somewhere.
Sometimes life can be like walking away in a daze from a plane crash…
I watched two videos that Kaiser sent me to prep for my surgery. Big mistake. Big fucking mistake. “…or your surgeon may want to use an allograft, which is a graft from a cadaver.” WTF!!! Megan was behind me while I watched the video. I told her to go ask mommy what a “cadaver” was. This was followed immediately by Deb yelling at me to turn it off. So, based upon her in-depth cartoon research and imagination on the matter, I am going to become one of the undead. A zombie. I will stumble around and walk into walls because that is what zombies do.
*sigh* I’ll know more tomorrow.
<3 ya
Ron White — Is that the guy with the “You Can’t Fix Stupid” routine?
If we’re talking about the same guy, there is a part of his routine in which he talks about his cheese-wheel cock. I got all distracted after that, so there may have been discussion of airplane safety. It was all a blur.
Cadaver grafts???? Ewwwwwwwwwww.
If you are among the zombie undead in the near future? I will still love you, but from a great distance.
No way am I hugging a zombie.
No fucking way.
brains…. BRAINS…
I WANT YOUR BRAINS!!!
I love a “good” zombie movie. They make me laugh. Maybe in my down time I’ll watch Zombieland http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1156398/ while I wait for the next Resident Evil coming out in September http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220634/.
And yes… cadaver pieces parts. The other option is to take a tendon graft from below my knee or my hamstring (autograft). I already spoke with a surgical nurse who had the same operation done herself- she opted for the donor tissue route herself.
I am not clicking those links. I hate scary movies. I hate zombies.
And my brains? You can have them.
They are all useless lately.
Great story- you have an amazing way of communicating with your audience (whether your readers, or your children) that I find refreshing and endearing. Thanks!
Dear Arielle -
Are you a spammer?
Love, Me
Can Maj find other people’s things? Seriously. I ask because when I was young and things were not where they were supposed to be? I, too, would behave Vanna White on crack.
However, when the tables were turned, I could find everyone else’s stuff lickety-split. I was a paragon of cool under pressure, finding-stuff ninja skills.
Nope.
Maj is usually able to find her own things, but only if they are where she expects them to be.
Other people’s stuff? Not even.
And even if she COULD find our lost stuff? Not her problem.
We are too stupid to live.
Oxygen Mask is a fantastic way of putting things-I am stealing that.
You are more than welcome to it.