We took the girls to a free concert last night. Lots of people, good music, food and drinks . . . it was a lot of fun. We wandered around for a while, stood for a while along the edges of the crowd, and then decided to sit. There were no seats available (next time I will think to bring chairs), so we sat on the sidewalk, backs up against a brick-sided building.
Mark and I sit and enjoy the music while the girls dance and hop and twirl.
There is an intermission, and the girls come over to ask for money for candy. They have already had treats, and the answer is no.
“What if we could get money? Could we spend it on candy?” Kallan asks as she and her sister sit down next to us.
“What? I guess so.”
Kallan stares out thoughtfully into the crowd as it mills about, “We look like homeless people.”
I laugh, “We so do not look like homeless people. What are you talking about?”
“We so do! We are the only ones sitting on the ground against the building. We are all homeless and sad.”
Mark is all helpful, “Look around for a piece of cardboard! Maybe we can make some money out of this deal!”
Kallan is delighted, “Yeah! I will make us a sign! Homeless people have signs! I can write . . . Will Dance For Money! And when the music starts up again? Maj and I will be raking it in!”
She looks at me in concern as I choke on my drink, “Are you OK, Mom?”
I wave her off, giggling, “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m just so proud. Will Dance For Money! I just could not be more proud.”
“Okaaaaaaay,” and she turns to her sister, “You’ll dance for money, right, Maj?”
Maj is annoyed, “I am not pretending to be homeless and begging for money with dance.”
Mark is all helpful again, “We’re going to need paper bags!”
Kallan turns, “What? Why?”
He holds up his drink, “Homeless people drink out of paper bags. We’re going to need to put our cups in paper bags so we’re all authentic.”
“Good idea, Dad!”
I reach into my purse and Kallan protests, “Mom! You’re killing me here! How am I supposed to be all convincing and homeless if you are on your iPhone? Homeless people do not have iPhones.”
“What if they need to check their email?”
“Mom! Be serious!”
“Sweetie, you are not going to be homeless and dancing for candy money. You’re just not.”
“Even if I make a sign?”
“Even if.”
“I’m bored.”
“The music will start again in a minute. Stop complaining.”
Kallan is annoyed, “I’m not complaining! I just want to dance for money! What is wrong with that, exactly?”
She looks at me in concern again as I choke and giggle again, “What is wrong with you?”
There is no dancing for money.
Yet.
Mark comes to me this morning with a great idea! He has been looking at my idol’s blog, and in the corner? She has placed a donation box.
So that people who feel inclined to give her money? Might do so.
Here’s Mark, “That is an awesome idea! If she’s doing it, you could do that too!”
“You want me to beg for money? Really?”
“It’s not begging! It’s like all those people who write the WordPress plug-ins and themes for free . . . they all have a spot where you can donate some money if you enjoy the free stuff.”
“I have never donated to anyone for free stuff. That stuff is free . . . duh.”
“OK, but I bet some people would donate. They’ve been getting a free benefit from your blog, and I’m sure that a lot of people would make a donation. To make it possible for you to keep writing. This is a great idea!”
“Remember Kallan’s plan to be homeless and dance for money to buy candy?”
“Yeah?”
“This sounds a lot like that. And babe?”
“Yeah?”
“You know I can’t dance.”
“You wouldn’t be actually dancing, you know.”
“I’m not so good at the metaphorical dancing, either.”
“Not even for money?”
“Would there be candy involved?”
“What?”
“I do like candy.”
Hmmmm . . . I’m going to need some cardboard. I need to make myself a sign.
BLOGGER WILL WHORE FOR MONEY (OR CANDY)!!!!
And soon?
In the words of Kallan?
I’ll be raking it in.
Basically what I took away from this is that I am *not* your idol. Harumph.
Oh dang! I didn’t think of that. Boo, me neither.
Sorry. That would the one and only brilliant (and incredibly fucked up) Allie Brosh.
Swoon.
But she gets no donations from me.
That shit is free.
Off to read Allie Brosh. And give her all my money.
Oh good lord.
Do not tell Mark how badly I have fucked up his plan.
Shhhhh . . .
Tell Allie I said hello!
Shhhh!
LMAO…and i just spit some water out laughing…she is brilliant…lol
Kallan is a genius.
Plus also? She is a pretty great dancer! She’s got a Pulp Fiction/Uma Thurman thing going.
As opposed to Maj and me (we are more Elaine from Seinfeld).
Bahahahahaha! Will dance for money.
Me —> Dead
Please tell this story to her boyfriends. Pretty please?
There are so many embarrassing stories to tell!
Come dating age? Kallan is going to have me trussed up and stuffed in the basement closet.
I have a big mouth, she tells me.
free stuff? what? where? how come i never get any free stuff? sigh.
My iPhone?
Filled with free apps!
Was I supposed to donate some money for them?
Because I so didn’t.
When I was a kid I was always trying to dance and sing for money. The most I ever made was $2. Paid by my mother and across-the-street neighbor.
$2.00 sounds about right.
And if Mark thinks I am getting all slutty and dancing for $2.00?
He needs to think again.
Wait! Did someone says Pixie Sticks?
I love those guys!
Exactly how much *would* it take for you to get all slutty and dance? Because I’ve got a 401k here that’s just wasting away in this shitty economy. I ought to at least get some use out of it before I die…
For you?
Free of charge.
I ought to get some use out of it before I die . . .
Snort.
Golly! I now have something to look forward to in this evil, cold world!
Happy happy joy joy!
I am now slightly troubled by the sexually ambiguous connotations of Ren and Stimpy.
I will do my best.
so just send candy donations to keep the words flowing? sounds good. will you be using a po box?
I am not up on my homeless lingo.
Does a po box look anything like the girls’ Justice tote bags?
Because then, yes . . . we are all set and sparkly.
And also? Yes! Send candy!
Candy is my muse.
OH!
P.O. Box!
Snort.
Have you heard of the newest invention? The “mail box”. Even better then a “po box” ;)
I know, right?
Because me as whore blogger?
I was never planning on being homeless.
Because as a whore? I would so be raking it in.
I laughed when you told her she couldn’t dance for money, yet. Because some women make hundreds of thousands of dollars dancing for money. I hope she chooses a more reputable, respectable career when she’s older, even if she’s a fantastic dancer. :o)
Yes, we are hoping one of her other career goals pans out.
She is pretty sure she would make a good ice cream truck lady.
you should of let her make the sign and then taken a picture – would of been great for a yearbook memory photo. Though then she probably would lock you up…evil thought.
She already has much ammunition with which to make her arguments for having me locked up.
It is probably unwise to give her more.
I’m just imagining the day, when she’s older, that she’s either reading this blog or listening to you tell the story and she actually realizes why you were choking and laughing and refusing to let her “dance for money”. That is going to be a good day!
Snort! That will be a good day!
But yesterday? When she was all unaware?
That was also a lovely day.
Just lovely.
Apparently Mark can now use the urban dad catchphrase just tryin’ to keep her off the pole when referring to parenting Kallan.
Which she will love when she’s a teenager. Oh, yes. She will love that.
Also? Blogging for candy sounds like a great idea. Let’s all do that!
I would love to blog for candy!
Sned me Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, please!
And Zotz . . . those are awesome!
With that little weird explosion inside?
Love that!
crappity. forgot to close the in the first paragraph, and now it’s all effed up.
Worst Commenter Ever?
Maybe.
Not Even Close.
Hahahahaha! I would like to see who qualifies as the Worst Commenter Ever. It would probably be pretty hard to choose, since all of your commenters rock!
I noticed Allie’s donation button too. And what pissed me off the most? Was that APPARENTLY people have been begging her to add one for ages and she finally relented. People are BEGGING to send her money! Aaargh! Why the hell didn’t I play around with Paint more as a young child??? I coulda been a contendah!
I am going to have to assume that she is TOTALLY FUCKING LYING about people begging to send her money.
Otherwise?
I am going to have trouble sleeping at night.
I mean, she’s funny.
But donation funny?
What the fuck?
See, if it were anyone else? I would be way skeptical too. But I sometimes read a few of her thousands of comments per post? And that girl? Inspires a lot of fervor. She’s quite ferverous. Also she sells merch. That’s probably where she makes the most money. You should look into some Pretty All True beer coozies.
Oh, I would TOTALLY buy a Pretty All True beer coozie. Or maybe I’ll just have one special made as a tribute.
OK, the word coozie?
Is making me giggle hysterically.
I would so buy a Pretty All True koozy.
SNORT!
You said coozies!
That sounds way dirty.
What would a beer coozie look like, you think?
SNORT!
Hunh. So apparently it’s spelled koozy. Who decides these things, anyway? My excuse is that I don’t drink. So I wouldn’t know. And also? Shut up. :)
Snort!
I like coozie!
Way funnier.
And also?
I just said that I liked coozie!
I am dying over here.
Okay, the post in and of itself was all fine and well. Run of the mill funny stuff from Kris & Co. I enjoyed it. The comments though, more specifically your confusion over that new-fangled thinga-ma-jig the ‘po box’? Omigod. That has me again a grinning sweaty giggly idiot. Thank you. po box…it’s just too much!
Run of the mill funny stuff?
I am eagerly awaiting the magical transformation that turns that phrase?
Into high praise.
You are perhaps starting to take me just a teeny bit for granted?
I will NEVER take you for granted! I just liked the po box part better. Probably because my mom refers to her cats litter box as the ‘po-po box’. Anyway, that was meant as a compliment. You are funny. All. of. the. time. And when you’re not funny, you evoke other powerful emotions.
Okay, is that better? I feel slightly grovelly at the feet of my idol….and I’m still so fucking sweaty.
How much do I love groveling?
So much!
Po-Po box? That is hilarious.
And also? Totally yanking your chain, you know. My comment section?
Is sometimes waaaaaay funnier than my post for the day.
But I do like groveling.
Happy sighs.
Also?
Enjoy the Vodka!
About these homeless people…I’ve always wondered where they got their cardboard from. In fact, it wasn’t so much the cardboard as it was the black magic marker. You do realize all the ink is in black, right? Where are these markers?
I’ve once thought about selling to the homeless. Yeah, I would make pre-printed signs and sell them for $1 a piece. I have designs in place. Like one with a hoop on it that says, “Throw one in” underneath. I even have one that is laminated for a mere $1.50. This will be weatherproof and hold up in the rain.
So, what do you think? Should I go for this? I might let you in on this but you’re gonna need to help out.
My older daughter Maj?
Is extremely suspicious of homeless people with signs.
Where did they get that cardboard? Where did they get that Sharpie? I don’t think they’re homeless at all! I think he just sat at his kitchen table this morning and made a sign while he drank his coffee! He is a total liar. Plus? He is all shaved! Where does a homeless person shave, Mother? Answer me that!
In other words?
Maj is your perfect business partner.
I so thought this dancing for money was going to go in a different direction. Maybe that is because I have a gutter for a mind…or because I took a pole dancing class once (only once–I was horrible–no upper body strength at all. it was good comic relief though!). What if instead of candy–we blogged for wine. I am up for that!
I am all alliterative!
(See?)
Blogging for Beer!
YAY!
If you have to donate, it is NOT free. I do not dance or play cymbals for money either. although if Cort doesn’t get a job soon? I might. Maybe Kallan can help me with my sign.
According to Mark?
No one has to donate.
They would just be moved to donate.
Snicker.
moved? pfft. why RUIN free?
Yeah . . . that’s my thought as well.
Pfffft . . . why ruin free?
Indeed.
Run of the mill post? Are you kidding me? I’m about to slap a ho! This is grade-A classic Kallan and Maj. You can’t just get this stuff for free people!!
Er… erm…
PO BOX!!!
And I will have you know I proof read this to Jensen and he found my genius commenting to be hilarious. That’s my boy!
YAY!
You are all geniusy and Jensen-approved!
I love when that happens.
Yes!
Now that I am a blogging ho?
I believe there is some slapping to be done.
I got here late (after midnite) so it looks like I missed all the fun. Crikey! Between yesterday’s blog and today’s, I have laughed so much that my face hurts! You & your bunch are “the gift that keeps on giving” and I chuckle every time I remember another snippet of what I read. LOL Now I’m off to send this link to my sister. Let her have coffee come out of her nose! *grin*
I love my readers!
So much.
Me and my bunch.
Love that!
niiiice
Thanks, you!
Well, tonight is a lonely night friends….I went to jail…Twitter Jail that is. Now, I’m walking the row…This place was open so I think I’ll sit here for awhile. Problem is I’m talking to myself..what? Hello? Who’s there? Oh…nobody. I wonder if I’ll run into any homeless here? I’m guessing everyone is asleep at this point. Back to the whole Sharpie topic…Do you think when Sharpie set out to produce the next best marker that their best customer would be broke?? I mean come on…Can you imagine your number #1 Customer has no fucking money?? What’s worse, is that when your best customer takes your product (cause how can they pay for it) they waste it on something that’s supposed to be recycled but winds up in the trash. Which leads me to another problem we have here….The recycle. I’m a fan of The Recycle and I really think it should be used more. Especially in cases where we have a homeless individual who steals from Sharpie, Inc. wastes it on a piece of cardboard and then throws it away. I think the upper class homeless should hand down their signs. They could put the year that they started using it…You know? Like, Spare Change Sign Since 1998 or something like that.
I once dated a homeless girl…It was really convenient cause we’d go out on the town and then no matter where we were when the date was over I could just let her out. Not funny?
How about this one..Okay, that was a bluff…I really didn’t have another one. Okay, well apparently Twitter locks you out if you’ve tweeted more than 100 times in an hour which by my calculation is more than 1 tweet a second and every tweet is made up of multiple words so you get the idea…..See you guys later!
More spewage!
YAY!
Plus, people?
Dadstreet didn’t just go to jail. I had him carted off.
Twitter? Is way fun.
Snort. Ahem- laughing heartily.
SNORT!
Ok first of all: I’m home. I’m catching up on my blog reading. And you? Need to slow down! i’ve got 22 unread from you alone!
but i’m thrilled to be catching up… and to learn that you might actually start getting paid from this gig. I say GO FOR IT!
Ummmm . . . there is no money.
Only an empty po box.
Snort!
If you’re going to be a blog ho, I think you could make more money from it if you call it a coozie. Po box just doesn’t appeal to the biggest market share. :)
Also, I would keep Kallan away from stop signs, lamp posts, or any other street side poles. You don’t want this homeless dancing for money thing to be a habit!
Happy sighs at being a blog ho.
Kallan! Come away from the street sign! Get down from there!
Did you ever read the novel Hearts in Atlantis? There is an entire “book” of that novel dedicated to the story of a man who pretends to be a homeless war veteran to make money. And he lives in a freaking mansion on the outskirts of the city.
Ever since I read that novel, I side-eye homeless people. It’s true.
Also? I want to be there when Kallan learns what a stripper is and her thoughts turn back to last night and her “we can dance for money” comment and she is all “OMG!”
I have known “homeless” people who were not really homeless.
And I have known homeless people who were desperate.
So I give to none. Because I cannot tell the difference?
My donations go to an organized charity instead.
And Kallan . . . she always makes me giggle with her great ideas.
Always.
I have had homeless students before, which is why I ALWAYS have basic supplies available in my classroom.
It is early and I haven’t had coffee and I have nothing witty to say to make this a not-depressing comment. :/
Much love to you, kind woman.
I actually spit Dr. Pepper out of my nose. That is awesome! Kallan is a real go getter!
More spewage!
YAY!
I think you just found your new tag line.
Oh and my friend’s son volunteers at a soup kitchen and all of the homeless people have cell phones. Maybe not iPhones, but it still fascinates me.
Of course they have cell phones. It’s not like they can7 have land lines :)
Heather -
Duh, right?
You are all geniusy up in here!
Me
What surprises me is that once said homeless person has acquired cardboard and a marker through whatever means, why is the sign so rubbish?. I mean if you don’t actually have anything to do but sit on the street, why not spend a bit more time working on your sign?
Also I think there maybe a business venture in providing portable credit card terminals for the homeless to receive funds from passerbys (not everyone carries cash these days).
In related thoughts I also thought about how I would become a wino. If my paths of my life eventuate in me spending my days wandering streets drinking wine I would at least invest a couple of dollars in getting a nice wine glass set rather than drink from the bottle in a paper bag.
OK, I am perhaps a teeny bit drunk, but people?
I am dying!
When did you get so funny, Mr. Unicorn Man?
OH MY GOD!
I thought dancing for money was her college fund!
Snort!
The problem with being a late catching-up reader is that there is not much left to say. I love outdoor shows where kids can dance with abandon. That’s all.
As always?
That is more than enough.