Our landlords are coming into town to visit with Lake Oswego friends this weekend. We have been dealing with a property management company, but the actual owners are in town this weekend. They want to come by, meet all of us, and take a look at the house.
Sigh.
Is there anything in the world that makes a house feel less like yours than having the actual owners show up to take a look at it?
I’m sure they are lovely people.
I’m sure the meeting will go fine.
Although I anticipate a certain amount of alarm about the fact that we are not as concerned with their landscaping as they might have hoped. Things grow crazy-fast here in Oregon . . . and honestly? Mark and I have trouble sometimes figuring out what is and isn’t a weed. So while everything looks neat? It does not look fussed over.
But that aside? I do not want to meet the owners of the house.
When we sold our house in Vallejo? Sold it for so much less than we owed on it? Made a crazy devil-deal with the bank whereby they would accept less than we owed on our mortgage if they were then given permission to make big ugly black marks all over our credit report?
When we did all of that?
We knew we were going to have to rent for a while.
What I didn’t anticipate? Was how very different that would feel. That renting.
That borrowing of a house.
A house that’s not mine.
Sigh.
And so even though the landlords have made clear that this is just a friendly visit and not an inspection?
It feels like an inspection.
Sigh.
And inspections? Are designed to reveal flaws.
So I am feeling all vulnerable. That is not my favorite way to feel.
Hmmmph.
In other news . . .
I was watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey last night. Because there is just little in the world that makes me feel better about myself than mocking and judging those ladies. I am all dysfunctional that way.
One of the women was all excited about her upcoming 10th anniversary, and she was hoping for a big gift from her husband. Her husband, in another scene, expressed concern that he wouldn’t be able to live up to his wife’s expectations because money was tighter than it has been in the past. So sad.
So I was expecting a lovely scene in which he bought her flowers and dinner, and she threw a huge fucking fit of greedy rage.
Happy sighs of anticipation.
But here’s what happened instead . . . He took her on a private helicopter ride over New York City. They checked into a luxurious hotel. They had a private dinner served in their room. And then? Stuffed into a chocolate dessert? An enormous fucking diamond ring.
Enormous. Also? Covered in chocolate frosting . . . that part was maybe not thought all the way through.
Sigh. I want to do belt-tightening the way these people do belt-tightening.
They cut away from that couple then, because they were having sex for the entire remainder of the episode.
It was a big ring.
I look over at Mark with raised eyebrows.
He looks back, “What? You’re not a jewelry person. Plus? You would never go in a helicopter.”
That’s true.
He holds out his bowl of popcorn, “Want some?”
Sigh.
I do like popcorn.
This morning, I tried to get the girls organized to help me clean up a little bit in preparation for the inspection (I mean visit) from our landlords. I explained that we needed to make things look a little neater than usual so that the landlords would be confident that we are doing a good job of taking care of their house.
They stood there and stared at me sadly for a moment.
And then Kallan screamed out, “SCATTER, MAJ! RUN AND SCATTER! SCATTER! SCATTER! SCATTER!”
And they were both gone, running for the hills and away from responsibilities.
And I was left giggling.
Scatter . . . are you fucking kidding me?
Stood there in the kitchen that is not mine for a moment. The kitchen I am borrowing.
What do we have here? Leftover popcorn?
I do like popcorn.
It’s a tiny stale. Still tasty, though.
I eat a couple of handfuls. Look around.
From where I stand?
I can see a huge cobweb dancing in the corner. And a small mountain of Labrador poo in the middle of the back yard. And a pile of dirty towels and bathing suits draped on the kitchen counter.
Sigh.
Bring on the inspection.
But how awesome would it be if, when they rang the doorbell? We opened the door and then all ran past them screaming and hiding?
SCATTER! SCATTER! SCATTER!
That would be awesome.
Note to landlords: We are looking forward to your visit! What a pleasure it will be to give you a chance to appreciate how happy we are in your house. Plus also? Mark and I turn out to be way lame at identifying weeds.
Sigh.
In KY, restaurant inspectors hang up big signs in the window with a grade on it once they have inspected the restaurant. (95% – Yes, please eat here. 82% – Not on your life.) So when reading this, I can’t help but to imagine the landlords slapping a big sign on your window with your “house grade”! HA!
Also, Extra Butter Popweaver.
Snort!
House grade . . . 82% sounds about right.
well, Teresa and her hubs are $11 million in debt and having to sell off the contents of their ginormous house. Probably includes the ring.
Sigh.
That would be sad.
How is she going to take back all of that thank-you sex?
I’m still laughing at your reply Kris. It’s been about 3 minutes now.
Hee hee!
Ok, 1) I didn’t get to finish watching RHONJ….and even though you told me the rest of the “story” I’ll still look forward to watching it on reruns. I’m also lame like that. 2) We are renting OUR home out and are renting the home we live in now….and our landlords left the place less than stellar and it’s not cleaner and better cared for now than when they handed it over to us. I wish they didn’t treat us like a business deal. and 3) I love that your daughters took off running, I think deep down they knew it wasn’t a big deal, don’t worry. I’m the meet and greet will go off well. They should be happy the house is standing, rodent free, right??
1) Sorry for the spoiler.
2) Renting is stressful. I like control. Always.
3) Yes, my daughters have a better handle on things than I do, sometimes. Because the house is fine. And it’s not that big a deal. Except to me.
And there are no rodents. A few moles in the back yard, but they have not ventured into the house.
Snort!
I should proofread before I hit submit comment, sorry for all the grammatical errors. d’oh!!! We in fact DO keep the place cleaner than they left it. For the record.
I wondered about that, but didn’t want to edit your comment if you really meant what you wrote.
Snort!
I’m glad you clarified!
I watched housewives too and had to laugh..isn’t that the couple that just filed bankruptcy and had to sell their house….put that ring and helicopter into perspective.
Yes, I think they are in deep financial doo-doo.
Denial is fabulous.
I have no denial over here. Only reality.
And stale popcorn.
I think that would be hilarious if you did that. Or better yet, you and the girls go do something “very important” and let your hubby talk to them. :)
I considered that.
That doesn’t seem very grown-up to me.
So I will deal.
It’s a pain in the ass having issues.
SCATTER! SCATTER! SCATTER!
Love
Happy sighs of giggly laughter
My daughters make me laugh so much.
Love that.
Love that.
i do like popcorn, too. even stale. well, a little stale.
A little stale?
Is still tasty. As long as there is still some crunch.
Hehehehe…SCATTER PEOPLE! but grab the leftover popcorn. we need snacks!
We had a rent house one house away from where we lived. Watching my Mom and Stepdad as landlords…all they hope for was no major damage. You know, the roof is still working, wall are still up, floors are still in floor like shape. No worries. Five minutes with y’all and they’ll love ya ;)
We are lovable.
Yeah, it’s not so much about the visit as what it conjures up for me.
Sometimes, being me is annoying.
As I stated last night, I read every day. Today I actually read during my lunch half hour, so you get a shiny new comment (my queen).
SCATTER is what I wished I could have yelled when my parents told us that some people were going to look at our house and we had to get it in tip top shape. Sadly, they didn’t have your sense of humor, as the people coming to look were appraisers and they were hoping to refinance as not to lose it.
They still live in that house.
If they managed to not lose the house?
Then the tip-top shaping? Was well worth it.
But scattering? Is very appealing.
And Queen?
Love that.
My husband is always telling me that I’m not a jewelry person too. Sometimes I wonder when that was decided. I don’t remember saying it. Ever. I can’t wear it if I don’t have it. Maybe I should go home and demand large jewels.
I really am not a jewelry person.
Wedding ring.
That’s it.
diamond earrings? diamond watch? check. wedding ring? check. wedding ring with a big fuckin’ rock on it? oh…only in my dreams. i think my 2 carat is as big as it’s gonna get. though? i’d LOVE to see how a 3 or 4 or 5 carat would actually look on my finger. i’m all spoiled that way.
oh. how could i forget??? diamond cross necklace? check.
Snort.
Snort!
You and me?
We’re all spoiled.
Did the owners build the house?? Maybe you could ask them why they put a bathroom next to the kitchen. Just sort of throw it in there with other conversation. Tell them your readers want to know (well at least one reader anyway).
snort!
Snort! No, they did not build it.
I will ask about the bathroom, though. Maybe they have insight.
My house is on the market. You know, the really crappy market. And I insist on only buying name brand groceries because I am convinced they all look in my fridge. And I want them to believe that the people who own this house are amazing and don’t use Wal- Mart ketchup, and that will make them want to live here. So I feel your pain on the inspection stuff. And the lack of control.
I remember that . . . trying to make our house look as though amazing people lived in it so that potential buyers would want to live in this house.
So that they also might be amazing.
It did not fucking work.
So good luck.
Lol! “Scatter” Those girls are hilarious.
We’ve always rented and I know that feeling of not really feeling at home in your own space. When there’s a note about them coming in for something or other, especially when it can be any time from 9-5, I feel it. It’s the worst.
I mean, what if I haven’t showered by 9? When do I shower then? Ugh.
Hope your inspection ::cough:: I mean visit goes well.
Thank you.
As I said . . . it’s not really about the visit.
It’s about how it makes me feel. The sense of failure it conjures up for me.
Hate that.
So the Michigan economy blows big *insert fav word here* right now. We recently received notice on how much our house is worth. I cried. Big fat tears. We bought our house for $30k less than it was worth 7 years ago. Our house is now worth $30k less than what we owe on it. It dropped $60k in 7 years. $60k!!! So we are stuck in this house forever, with shitty neighbors.
Oh, and the scatter part totally made me think of the Chinese fire drills we would do when young. Love that!!
Yes.
I have lots of family and friends in Michigan.
Michigan sucks. It’s beautiful, but it sucks.
But Chinese fire drills? Those were awesome!
Also?
I am sorry.
i hate renting…unfortunately it’s going to be a long while before I can buy…plus it doesn’t help that my landlord’s son lives right upstairs…at least yours aren’t just up a flight of stairs
the “scatter” thing cracks me up though…there are many times when i pretend not to be home when he knocks on my door..quite frankly if it’s after 9 or 10 p.m. he should just leave me alone..lol
Yeah, I don’t really mind renting or the landlord.
It’s my own sense of failure that I hate.
Hmmmph.
Hey come on…big deal you’re renting! You’ll be back to home ownership soon! Forget these TV programs. It’s just not real life. First of all, they’re probably borrowing money to buy those rings, boats, popcorn (oh wait, that was yours), and whatever else.
I’ve started following Dave Ramsey over the last couple months and it’s very empowering! Now forget all this talk about renting, and popcorn, and sex (who said sex?)…Who gets 31 comments from a daily post? One of your posts had like 163 comments!! Who are these people commenting?? How much do you pay them? You’re not even a real person! You’re just a stick figure! And not even any ol’ stick figure you’re a stick figure losing their balance! Oy! Wait, what were we talking about? Oh right, rent and money and stuff…Well good luck with the lords today!
Hmmmm . . . you are new here, Mr. Twitter acquaintance.
I do not mind renting. I am well-acquainted with real life. I am also well-acquainted with the art of bitching and then going about my business.
Today? Bitching.
Tomorrow? On with real life.
The day after that? Perhaps some hints of porn.
That’s why I am now Queen.
Queen of the Bloggers!
And my commenters? They make about as much per comment as I make per post.
Which would be zero dollars and zero cents.
Oh, and also?
I answer all of my comments.
So half of the money being raked in by my commenters?
Is mine.
Snort!
Also?
These words . . . Big Deal.
Annoy me.
The Queen? She is annoyed.
See how I get so many comments?
Hee hee!
OMG SCATTER!
the first night i hung out with my hubs
when we first started dating
i fell asleep at his house
NOTHING HAPPENED!
but he had to drive me home
where i lived with my mother and step-father
i had in fact just moved in
at 33
sigh
anyhoo
he brings me back in his molester van the next morning
and as he approaches the house and starts slowing down i spy my step dad in the driveway and shout out all military with hand signals “GO GO GO GO!”
and he steps on the gas and i just start laughing maniacally and not only does my step dad see it
so do SEVERAL OTHER neighbors
sigh
we just went around the corner then he dropped me off
but seriously, we had just hung out for ONE NIGHT
and he married me
(smart guy!)
we have a good time
Seriously.
You tell the best stories.
The best stories.
i save my best ones for you!
Do your comments get moderated? If not, I left probably the best comment I’ve ever left in my life on your site. If they do get moderated and you do approve them then please approve mine and don’t consider it the best comment but maybe rather just a decent one instead. Thank you.
Damn, I missed my last comment that was posted! Arghh…Okay, I’m not spamming your site..Just delete me here..Right here…this comment. Not the other one which was really good and funny and witty. Wait, this is the Queen right? Please do show me mercy! :)
First-time commenters go to moderation.
In case they are troublemakers.
I am growing suspicious, Sir.
AWKWARD!
I know!
He is making me all happy.
ohmahgah
boomboom does that ALLTHETIME
when he thinks he is being funny
but like, the other person doesn’t get his humor
so then he has to explain it
like the time he got an eye exam at walmart
and ragged on the opto lady
(who was pregnant)
and asked her if her college friends
make fun of her
cause they have a practice
and she works at walmart
i LOVE awkward
i better
it’s kinda my thing
OK, guess what?
I love your blog.
But I love your comments here?
More.
well that’s just cuz
my dad doesn’t read YOUR blog
i mean he knows i’m inappropriate
just not the level of impropriety…
SAFETY!
oops. i farted!
i’m sorry
i don’t know what is wrong with me!
:)
Seriously. You may start up that anonymous blog of inappropriateness?
Right here on my blog.
You need to let loose!
But no more farting.
I am all tears and giggling.
You’ll be fine! *hugs*
ACK!
No hugs!
ACK!
Suspicious?? Awkward?? Hey, I’m somebody’s daddy!! Olivia and Jake’s to be exact! Okay, yes I’m awkward true but not suspicious! Just a nice guy trying to make conversation. Sheesh! Well I’m going to have to come back when all the dust has settled…
The dust will settle?
After you stop plumping pillows and trying to straighten shit up.
Snort.
Also?
I adore you, awkward one.
Also?
This is comment #57!
YAY!
Well I adore you and I love your site and I love all #58 (now) comments too! You’re pretty cool! :=D Queen!
Thank you, Sir.
SCATTER!
I laughed so hard I forgot about the sinus headache I’ve had for two days. I could kiss you. You know, if I actually knew you. And there wasn’t 3000 miles of continent between us. And if your landlords weren’t coming to inspect… er… visit you.
Sorry about the headache, but soooo happy to have made you laugh today!
Feel better.
Hmmm, I think there are too many junk words here..mmm…yes…
Wink Wink
;)
Snort.
You said junk.
Snort!
Hopefully you realize I was kidding…right??!!?? Wait, I still think you are the queen! :)
Silly one.
What comment am I???? It is rather unfair that you tell other people! :)
Also, I have the giggles that someone thinks this is not an accurate mom blog!
Cause, for the record, I find it honest and truly refreshing!
This last comment of yours? #70.
And thank you!
I have got to start watching that show! I could also do with a little of that belt-tightening. Even though I just read in People magazine that they must sell all of their shit? I am still jealous of them. Because they have STUFF TO SELL. I have no stuff, and no way out of my broke-ness. Sigh.
Landlords are such a pain in the ass. I’m sure yours are great, though.
You MUST watch this show.
It is awesome.
Eat
my heart out? I don’t think so.
Although . . .
your
conniving comment ways have caused my palms to sweat and my . . .
heart
to beat a little faster.
All . . .
out
of admiration, and perhaps?
A little fear.
So what do you think . . . .
ladies
Crazy stalker?
Awkward new love?
Or both?
Both, but leaning toward crazy stalker. His kids are cute and he makes me laugh so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. For now.
His kids are cute?
Hold on.
Oh, they sooo are.
When husband 1.0 and I separated, and HE got to stay in the house, and I moved into the crappy apartment…and then when that house listed to sell and I got to go clean the house that 1.0 lived in so I could try and make as much as possible off the sale… and the girlfriend of 1.0 left all her Clinique make-up on the bathroom counter that used to be mine (which, in a show of graciousness, I did NOT rub turpentine into)…
I felt like much of what I had accomplished in my life had dissolved into dust.
Divorced. Renting.
Thinner than I’d ever been, so I had that going for me, but…
I know that feeling of borrowing something from someone else when that something USED to be something you had.
Oh, and weirdly, we have appraisers coming. So we can try and finance this house that we bought in 2006. Not a great year for home-buying. Unless, you know, appreciation is against your religion or something.
We’re talking about liquoring the appraiser up. Maybe you could liquor up the owners. Then they won’t care about the weeds.
So you know where I am coming from.
Exactly.
And liquor? Is always good.
I hate having a landlord. It’s a necessary evil for us. We have been renting a long time. In our first house, the landlord died & the kids promptly kicked us out and put the house up for sale. The second house, we found out after living there for a YEAR that the landlord had NEVER made a single payment and the house was in foreclosure. The best part was that he didn’t tell us, we had to find out from the city. It was also scheduled to go up for auction the day after Darling Girl was due. We’ve been in the house we’re in for awhile now. Our landlord is a mean little man, hates my guts, refuses to talk to me, but adores hubby and lets us pay rent in parts so I can’t complain too loudly. Sigh…
Such is life. I hope you survive the inspection. I like the idea of “SCATTER!” the next time the landlord shows up. It could work for me…
I hate not being in charge.
I hate that this is not really my house.
SCATTER!
Kallan, I swear, reduces me to fits of giggles. Why is she so hilarious? WHYYYYY?!?!! ::falls to her knees to beg the gods for answers::
Kallan is equal parts hilarious and evil.
The funny has saved her ass.
On countless occasions.
Dude (May I call you dude? I don’t allow anyone to call me dude, but somehow, it seems appropriate here.), I get this. We used to own a house. It was a great house, mostly because it was MY house. One thing and another and another (and some more things, too) and we now live in a much nicer, much bigger house, owned by the family trust of which my parents are the administrators.
I fucking hate this house. We have four more years (all those things at play, of course.)
I do like popcorn, though. And next time my mom comes over here (especially if she does like last time and just fucking SHOWS UP from MD with no warning at all), we are totally screaming scatter and running right into the mountains. There, we will eat berries and bark until the coast is clear.
Dude!
You will eat berries and bark until the coast is clear?
That is so fucking awesome!
See, I thought we were going to eat berries. And also eat bark. But now I see that we are going to eat berries. And we are going to bark.
Which is WAY awesomer because it’s going to freak my mom all kinds of out, so that’s a major bonus.
Right up until this very moment?
The possibility that you meant eating bark?
Never even occurred to me.
Sigh. Thank you for sending me to bed with that giggle. I’m imagining Brian barking with a mouthful of berries and nobody could NOT laugh at that.
If it would keep my mother away? We would totally do it.
Oh, how I love you, Redbook woman.
I am so freaking tired sitting up with the anti-sleeping child and that totally cracked me up! I had to reread it because I took it as eating bark too and then cracked up at the idea of actually barking. I like that. Now we can all scatter and run into the mountains to eat berries and bark at our landlords…
Anti-sleeping children are no fun at all.
I’m glad you stopped by and giggled!
Your girls? I love them.
I requested help from my daughter, 2, this morning before her friend came over. My son, 1, can be a little bit of a hurricane/method of mass destruction, and I wanted to make it look like our home hadn’t been completely ransacked.
I wish she had said Scatter! to my son, because that would have been hilarious. My life is not nearly as fun as yours. Instead, she looked at me in defiance, and told me she was too busy being a princess “all day”. That was that.
Yes, I do let a 2 year old run my life. If you’re wondering how that’s working so far? It’s not.
And I do like popcorn too.
Love from, your stalker.
My children are funny, but do you see them doing any chores around here today?
No, you do not.
That doesn’t always work for me, either.
Today, I decided to let it slide.
The visit from the landlords? Not my daughters’ problem.
Ahhh Kris. I feel you. It took us over a year and a half to sell our house in Dallas. What a hell. 2 sets of living expenses? Sucked. Ass. And now we rent. So novel at first. Not having to be responsible for taxes, maintenance. (And then you get your IRS bill and you don’t have the lovely mortgage to pad you and that really sucks). Having to explain to your kid why we can’t paint her walls because this isn’t REALLY our house, we’re just borrowing it. I miss being a homeowner sometimes. Really miss it. But we’re lucky we’ve got a good prop management company.
And our owner? Probably hates us. Because the house flooded 2 years ago and she had to foot the bill. Because she didn’t have the right insurance. Not cheap.
Our property management company has been great.
I would have preferred to just keep dealing with them.
Sigh.
And I hear you on the wall painting. I hear you.
Sigh.
Yeah, we just bought a house last August. And now? it’s worth like $40k less than we paid for it. *sigh* Good thing it was a long-term investment, right?
(crickets chirping)
I hated renting…well, except that whenever something broke? It wasn’t up to us to pay to fix it. Unless we wanted it fixed in a timely fashion.
Also? Our last property managers were always in our apartment for some damn reason or another. We have to clean out this, inspect that. I *hate* having people in my space that don’t belong there. Especially when I can’t be there to ensure that they are not rifling thru my underwear drawer. Or Hub’s underwear drawer. Don’t want to discriminate here…
Our property management company has been great.
By which I mean that they only show up when something needs fixing.
But even when something needs fixing? I don’t like to let them in.
Sigh.
Maybe you could make popcorn for the landlord? :)
That is a fabulous idea!
Sigh. Sadly I may know how you feel soon. Our house is for sale and if we sell it for less than we owe…and considering we bought in the peak of the real estate market in ‘03 AND we’re live in this bankrupt state…we’ll be renting too in Dallas. Sigh.
But at least we’re not 11 million in debt like the Teresa & Joe.
Its an interesting perspective. Home ownership seems much more important and prevalent in the US compared to New Zealand. It is very common to rent and there is no stigma attached to it. Many people rent because they prefer to. Means you don’t have to worry about maintenance and you can move easily. I guess it depends how important a “home” is to people.
Yes, and also?
The home-owners over here?
Are all judgy about the renters among them.
Maybe I will move to New Zealand.