You know how Taco Bell sells those double-decker tacos? In which they slather a soft taco with refried beans and then bean-glue it to the exterior of a filled hard taco shell?
Yeah, that monstrosity.
Who comes up with this stuff?
We had tacos for dinner at our house last night, and Mark had the brilliant idea that we should make double-decker tacos. How awesome would that be, right? We would be like culinary geniuses!
We have been watching Hell’s Kitchen lately, and Mark is all inspired! We’ll be chefs! Just like the contestants on Hell’s Kitchen!
Just like the guys at Taco Bell!
Snort.
The rest of us have our doubts, but Mark is all happy as we sit down to eat.
First the soft taco. He spreads a generous helping of refried beans over its entire surface.
Then he picks up a hard taco shell and fills it with meat and toppings.
And then there is a problem.
The soft shell? Is actually not taco-sized at all, but instead designed to wrap a burrito. So Mark’s smallish hard-shelled taco? Is swallowed up by the enormous soft bean-glued exterior.
It looks like a taco for a giant, except it is all floppy where the inner regular-sized taco will not support its flimsy walls.
The girls and I are all giggly.
Plus? We take turns playing the role of Gordon Ramsay to Mark’s sad chef contestant and mock him mercilessly.
Mark ignores us.
So he’s holding this crazy giant floppy taco in his right hand when he notices a small dollop of refried beans has somehow fallen on the table, just to the left of his plate.
I see it too, and honestly? It looks like some miniature someone has taken a shit on the table.
You just cannot get more appetizing than that, people.
But because I see that Mark has noticed the problem? I do not reach over with my napkin and wipe up the mess. Mark’s got this little bean-shit problem under control.
Still holding the giant taco in his right hand? Mark picks up his fork with his left hand and attempts to scoop up the shit pile.
Now, I am right-hand dominant . . . so I get it. But Mark is pushing at this pile of beans with his left hand? As though he has just had a stroke and has lost most of the muscle control on his left side.
Perhaps eight tiny little tentative ineffective pushes with the fork later? He has only managed to shove the tiny pile of poo about four inches across the surface of the table. A small trail of bean slime marks the path.
I stare at him. He realizes I am staring. He looks back at me . . . giant misshapen floppy taco in one hand, poo-pushing fork in the other.
And he says, “What?”
I sigh, “Sometimes, babe? I look at you in a moment like this? And I just fall a little more deeply and madly in love with you.”
I reach over with my napkin and wipe up the bean shit and the trail that marks it passage, “Seriously . . . could you be more awesome and sexy? I don’t think so.”
He takes a huge bite of his double-decker taco (there is no crunch, so I know he is still a good distance from the inner taco), and speaks with his mouth full, “You’re just jealous.”
Snort, “Yeah, that’s it.”
Happy sighs. Mark is way sexy.
Later in the evening?
We are watching television together. Hell’s Kitchen. Nobody actually makes a double-decker taco on this particular episode, but I can see that Mark is still basking in the glow of his accomplishment. He understands what these contestants are going through. He has been there.
He has been mocked for his efforts. Just like these people.
Mark and I sit and watch. We each have a glass of beer. I am holding mine like a normal person.
Mark is holding his glass like he always does. With two hands. Pinkies extended. All weird and freakish.
Like a monkey.
Sometimes? When I look at Mark in a moment like this? I just fall a little more deeply and madly in love with him.
It is hard to contain myself.
So I do not.
Plus also? Gordon Ramsay?
Way hot.
Why am I back here again? Good Lord! With that being said, you made me laugh on this one…and I needed it! Nothing like a little pile of shit on your table to slather up and eat again. My favorite taco recipe is very simple to make and looks like this:
Corn (white or yellow) tortillas
Chicken breast (bite size)
Rosarita’s Jalapeno Refried Beans
Scallions (chopped)
Tomato (chopped)
Cheddar Cheese (grated)
Avacado (smashed)
Cilantro (chopped)
lettuce (chopped)
Cook tortillas in a 1/2″ coating of veg oil in a skillet. Slowly folding tortillas in half and frying to form hard shell, set aside.
Cook chicken in skillet or grill
Set out all ingredients and comer!
Adios!
While this sounds delicious?
I am pretty sure it’s a trick.
People? DadStreet is probably?
Trying to poison you.
So unless you are all Rasputiny?
I would be very careful.
Well, there’s my potentially organic free range recipe that you make on your own with your own ingredients or you can try Taco Hell, “Make a Run for the Toilet”…just saying. Plus? Mark might like mine because it’s spicy hot, sexy and manified…I have no idea what “manified” meant it just seemed like the appropriate thing to say at the time. Now back to your regularly scheduled program. Oh wait…beer? Have to go with Negro Modelo or if you’re in the mood for wine a nice crisp Reisling or Gwertzraminer would really cut through the spicyness and oil of the food.
Negro Modelo? You have got to be kidding me. I suppose you pour it into a frosted glass with a slice of lime?
All manified!
We are all about the IPA over here. IPA’s go with everything.
We’re not so much about the subtleties of food and wine pairings.
Mark and I? We are not exactly foodies.
I’ve never watched Hell’s Kitchen but right now that doesn’t matter. I am sitting here all sweaty because we don’t have A/C and I’ve been doing some housework, puppy poop maintenance but saved this post as a reward/break. And it was well worth it. The left handed poop push is phenomenal. The mocking? Fantastic. We are hardcord mockers around here. So much so the little people already have a bit of a flair for it.
The drinking like a monkey bit makes me thing of the monkey from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs and that makes me giggly too. I giggled through the whole thing. Like a hot sweaty slightly maniacal mess.
Thanks!
Dear Hot Sweaty Maniacal Mess,
I love you in all your hot messness.
Me.
Glad he doesn’t design things for a living…
Hee hee!
But Mark! The door cannot extend beyond the roofline . . . don’t you see?
Gordon Ramsey? Cranky and brilliant, but not so much hawt. I hope this doesn’t damage our true and lasting connection over Denis Leary.
Funny-sexy? Way hawt. No matter how you slice it. Or push it around on the table.
Cranky and brilliant? Way hot.
Not as hot as Denis Leary.
But still hot enough.
Trust me.
I think it is genius of him to try this. Who needs taco bell if you can do it at home yourself. lol
Exactly!
Plus? There is no sex at Taco Bell.
Just saying.
Every time you describe Mark’s monkey-drinking pinkies? I think of the scene in The Birdcage where Robin Williams is trying to teach Nathan Lane how to “act like a man” and swatting his extended pinkies with a butter knife. Then Nathan Lane screams like a girl and everyone stares.
So, it could be worse.
Oh my god!
It could so be worse!
Thank you. I am wiping tears.
Happy tears.
BWAHAHA. He didn’t think to cut up the giganto tortilla to fit the small tortilla?
There’s probably sex after drunk people eat at Taco Bell…
And also as long as there is cheese, sour cream, and salsa? You cannot go wrong. Even when your tortilla craps on the table. Or the floor. That’s why there’s dogs.
As it was slathered with beans? He did not think to cut it down.
Plus? He is stubborn.
Mark does not like cheese. And guess what else? He won’t eat sour cream either!
He is like a crazy person.
I’m happy that you’re always very clear about your love for Mark and his sexiness. Because if Pretty All True only contained all of the funny and ridiculous things he does? I would have a much different image of him in my head. And I’m particularly liking my vision of Bruce Willis at your table, pushing his bean poo around thoughtfully. Just another reason I would love to come over for dinner one day ;o)
If all there was to Mark was goofy?
I would not mock him here.
He is the best man I have ever known.
Plus? He has a great sense of humor.
And hair! Unlike Mr. Willis.
How much do I LOVE your and Mark’s love??
*happy sigh*
Awwww . . . happy sighs, indeed.
I know you don’t like pictures all that much but a good one would be of Marks hands around a beer. Funny stuff.
Imagination?
Is way powerful.
Aww the vulnerable side of men.
For me, it happens when my husband gets all mad about something silly that I find hilarious. Mostly household related tasks that won’t cooperate with him. The look on his face is priceless. Usually when he sees me giggle, he loosens up and starts laughing too.
Oh and Gordon? Bloody hot indeed!
Vulnerable? Is awesome.
Giggling together? Even better.
And Gordon? Way hot.
Lustful sighs.
what do you mean “Duplicate comment detected; it looks as though you’ve already said that!”
No I didn’t… WP is all screwy tonight.
That has happened to me on other people’s WP blogs.
Annoying.
Sorry about that!
I just peed my pants ever so slightly. Thanks a lot.
More spewage!
I love it.
Seriously though? FUCKING DIED reading this. DIED.
BWAAHAAHAAAAHAAAHAAHAA
Ooooooh . . .
Death is even better.
lol… I’m sorry, but Mark IS a girlie-man!! No getting around it now with the beer drinking!!! Nice to know he’s embracing it, like when big body builder guys wears pink!! OWN IT!! Besides, you love him more for it and ultimately it works for him cuz you get all hot and stuff for him!! HA-HA!!! :)
Mark, please don’t be mad at me… I am only stating the obvious AND I totally think you are adorable!! If it were not for the fact that I am newly married to THE hottest woman in the southern states and also because I don’t swing your way – I would be SOOO hot for you!!!
snort!!!
Mark says to inform you that you are no longer one of his favorite readers.
hummpf… I’m crushed, Darn it, well one day I hope to redeem myself. An I guess I can start by swearing to never refer to Mark as a GM ever again. Cross my heart!!
Mark’s annoyance?
Is not assuaged.