At the dinner table last night. Mark made pork schnitzel.
The word schnitzel creeps me out, but it was way yummy.
Salad and bread complete the meal.
Kallan is suspicious, “Why are Maj and I the only ones eating bread?”
Mark takes a bite of salad, “What?”
Kallan turns to Maj, “You and I are the only ones eating the bread! Don’t you think that’s weird? It’s like they are trying to poison us or something.”
Maj continues eating, “Why are you so strange? Where do you come up with this stuff?”
Mark is all helpful explanations, “In the old days? There were official tasters who had to taste the food before the king. That way? If any of the food was poisoned? The taster would die and not the king.”
Kallan stares happily at her bread, “So I am a royal taster now?”
Mark reassures her, “No, nothing like that. It’s just that there was a little mold on the bread. I assume the oven took care of the problem, and there should be no lingering toxicity. But your mother and I? We’re going to let you eat it first. Just in case.”
He takes a bite of pork, “So how is the bread? Yummy?”
Maj throws her bread down on her plate in anger, “Why do you say things like that? I can’t eat this bread if there is mold on it! What is wrong with you?”
I interrupt her fit with soothing words, “Daddy’s teasing, Maj. You know that.”
Maj is all crabby and she glares at us, “Why does this family have to be so weird? I am sitting here eating my meal all reasonably, and you people have ruined everything.”
Mark apologizes, “Sorry, babe.”
And he holds out the bread bowl, “Here. Have another piece of bread.”
Snort!
Kallan is happily chewing her bread, talking with her mouth full, “If this bread was poisoned? It’s a pretty good poison, because all I taste is butter and garlic.”
Maj is incensed, “Stop saying the word poison!”
Kallan turns an innocent face to her sister, “Can I say mold? Because the mold on my bread? Is yummy too,” and she takes another big bite.
Maj stares into her plate, “I hate this family.”
I wave my hands, “OK, Maj is right. That’s enough talk of poison and mold. Let’s move on. Maj? What do you want to talk about?”
Maj is pleased, “I would like to talk about the fact that Kallan gets away with way too much in this house. If you are not aware? She threw her wet towels in her closet even though you said to put them in the garage. And remember how you told her to clean the bathroom counters? Yeah . . . OK, but when I went up there to wash my hands before dinner? Everything looks exactly the same as it did before she cleaned the bathroom. By which I mean not clean. At all. Plus? I did not see her washing her hands before dinner, and so she is just eating dirt over there. And I would like to talk about what you plan to do about this, Mother.”
Sigh.
I sigh aloud, “Alright, so Maj?”
“Yes, Mother?”
“That’s not what I had in mind.”
Kallan bats bambi eyes at her sister, “How can you turn on your sweet innocent sister like that, Maj? I am all angelly goodness over here. I love you! Maj! I love you!”
She throws her arms around a stiff unyielding Maj and playacts great sisterly adoration.
Maj is pissed, “Get this thing off of me, Mother.”
Mark steps in, “Break it up ladies. Break it up.”
There is silence for a few minutes, just the sounds of dinner. Made slightly noisier by the fact that Kallan insists on chewing with her mouth open. I hate that.
And then Mark has a new topic of conversation, “Hey, I saw this really great deal on movie tickets! Two adult tickets for $15.00. We haven’t been to the movies in a while.”
The girls stare at him and Maj points out the obvious, “What about the child tickets? What about us?”
“No, this was just a deal on adult tickets. No discount on the kid tickets.”
He picks up the bread bowl and extends it toward the girls.
They each take another piece, happy to have been offered extra bread without having to discuss whether or not they will be eating the salad and pork.
Mark continues, “Eat up, ladies! Yeah, this discount is just for your mom and me. Too much money to take all of us to the movies. You guys are too expensive. Which is why we have decided . . . your mother and I . . . to poison you.”
And he turns and clinks glasses with me.
“Cheers, babe.”
And I toast him back, “Long live the King!”
Snort.
Sometimes being a parent?
Way fun.
Ohhhh, so mean!
Mark?
Is occasionally especially awesome.
Love him.
You all make me laugh!
I really wanted to say something way more witty but there you have it, I think you are awesome and this family dinner you shared made me giggle.
We giggle a lot.
And Maj despairs of ever living in a regular family.
And being normal.
Snort!
I am going to be tangential woman today. Not to be confused with contrary woman, which I am other times.
But I took the day off work today so I could catch up on shit and not be all freaky whiny like I was last week which means that in addition to that up-catching, I am on a mission to be tangential.
And wordy. But your post made me think of it so really, all your fault anyway. You minxy-blog-tangential-temptress, you.
Once upon a time…
I had a colleague who was seeing one of my patients. Sadly, he made his permanent departure before she arrived, and since we seldom treat dead people, she did not see him but left me a note to tell me what was going on: “I didn’t see Mr. Smith because because he is now an angle.”
So when you write “Angelly Goodness,” I see “Angley Goodness.”
Which is probably different in deep, metaphysical ways.
And I don’t know that Kallan is “Angley Goodness”. She is too sinuous and slippery.
PS – “Mr. Smith” is not the angle’s real name.
OK, Lori?
That kind of story?
Makes me all happy inside.
Hee hee!
I am totally cracking up “Angley Goodness”.
Snort!
u b my hero son…
Snorty giggles, here.
Snorty giggles.
I love posts like this because there is much shaking of the head, nodding, giggling, eye rolling, and imagination of voices and exact intonation on my part. It’s like my own little play going on. ;-)
Thanks, you.
Thanks so much.
You people, so witty and charming.
And me writing about urine.
Kris, thank you for making me feel inadequate today.
i was getting too full of myself.
If I have made YOU feel inadequate?
Then my work here is done.
Snort.
Don’t congratulate yourself too much, lady – I am Queen and Empress of Inadequate and not Good Enough! Bow to my suckitude!
..ok, maybe that is the wrong attitude.
Bow to your suckitude?
That is a quite a slogan, inadequate one.
SNort.
“Long live the King!”
Hahahahaha I love the stories like this! Its so much fun to gang up against your kids.
Like yesterday, we were on our way to the grocery store and Natalie decided that she needed to go back in to use the bathroom even after I told her to go before we went and got in the car. So Natalie runs back in and Ben moves the car to the other end of the house so she couldn’t see it when she came back out. She shreiked this horrible scream about how she was so mad that we left her at home by herself and we are the worst parents ever. All while standing in the front yard on the other side of a bush that wasn’t even doing a good job of hiding my car. She didn’t even notice us sitting there because we weren’t in the driveway. Hilarious!
I’m such a bad parent.
Sigh. And also HA!
You people?
Are my people.
I love stuff like that!
Maj would KILL me if I ever did that to her.
Kallan, though . . . . hee hee!
I am inspired! I want to go to the movies!
Sigh. I just love when you fuck with your kids. We used to do that, but Carter is, you know, Carter. If I told him I gave him poison bread, he would probably go ahead and die of anxiety and that would be unpleasant.
OH! Wait, but here’s one: the three older kids were in K, 1st, and 2nd grades and on the way to school, they would always say, What did you put in my lunch, Mom? And I got tired of answering that question when they could just look for themselves. So I started answering them by saying, Rocks. I put rocks in your lunch.
So then, when they were finally very annoyed with that, but they still didn’t look and they kept on asking, I sneaked their real lunches to their teachers and gave them actual rocks in their actual lunch boxes. (Pause here; it was a tiny private school, so nowhere near the potential for devastating embarrassment as if they went to a regular public school.)
It was so fucking fabulous. At the time they were all annoyed, but now they laugh their butts off when they tell that story.
OK, that?
Is so fucking fabulous.
I adore you.
People?
I have to head out and run some errands.
I will be back to answer comments in a bit.
SO LEAVE ME COMMENTS!
Because I love you.
DO IT, people.
Snort.
Thank you for holding my spot in line, babe.
Oh wait.
Never mind.
What are you guys going to see?
Mark wants to see Inception.
Bleagh.
we went to see Inception and I promptly fell asleep. for the entire movie. dreaming. in a movie about dreams.
but, we went to see it AGAIN and i managed to stay awake and i really enjoyed it. maybe you will like it.
I think?
That it sounds all nightmarish and that I will never sleep again.
Mark doesn’t care.
He’s heard good things.
it’s not like that, not scary at all. i would not even call it a suspense movie. it is intriguing and interesting.
Hmmmm . . . I will think about it.
It is Mark’s turn to pick the movie.
I’m saving all the ways you “torture” your kids so that when we have kids, we can pass it on!
Yay!
I will be immortal and fucking people up into infinity!
YAY!
Can I have Mark when you are done with him?
When I am done with him?
There will be little left to borrow.
Snort.
i am SO coming over for dinner
i have been known to start rumors
that dinner is made of guinea pigs
MORE FOR ME!
guinea pork schnitzel!
Plus?
Rats’ knees and chicken butts.
So shut up and stop whining!
Just saying.
I have learned that I cannot drink anything while reading your posts. Because it comes out my nose. Poor Maj…such a serious kid in a family of wiseasses.
You and Mark are totally my kind of parents. Sometimes I wonder how in the world my kids are going to come out well adjusted and normal with J and I for parents. Because we make fun of everything and everything is a joke. But you guys seem to be doing a great job and your girls seem to be turning out great…so you give me hope.
Yes, the girls?
Are turning out perfectly.
Ahem.
Just so you know, this will only get better as they get older and become increasingly embarassed by your very existence. I feel Kallan will handle this better than sweet Maj who will likely eventually combust from the injustices she is subjected to by you people on a daily basis. I often “bust a move” in public. Especially if I’m with my 13 year old daughter, who is the most like Maj. My oldest, a boy, is more apt to join me. Yesterday we had a whole conversation in the kitchen during which we danced. He’s 16 and being a boy, has a penis, and is infinitely laid back. Although my 6 year old has a penis, as a boy, and he is not laid back. Therefore no direct correlation between penises and anxiety has been made. Wow, I’ve gotten off track.
I like this post. I probably could’ve just stuck with that.
You?
Have made me giggle.
What with your penis correlations that went nowhere at all.
Penises have a way of doing that, I have found.
Leading you all urgently . . . nowhere.
Oh wait. Now I’ve gotten off track.
Loved your comment!