“Mother!”
“Yes, Maj?”
“Mother! I need help, Mother! Kallan is way too energetic! Help me!”
I walk into the room, and Maj is sitting on the couch knitting.
And Kallan is whirling and twirling around her sister like she’s a tether ball and Maj is the pole to which she is attached. Spinning closer and closer and closer.
I grab Kallan by the arm as she spins past me, and she crumples exaggeratedly to the ground, “My arm is all twisted! My arm is all twisted! You are not allowed to hurt your child, Mom. That is bad news for you.”
Snort!
“Bad news for me? I don’t think so. You’re the one with the messed-up arm.”
Kallan lies on the floor and cradles her arm, “I’m going to tell on you, Mom. And that will be bad news for you.”
Sigh.
I walk to the front door. Open it.
And gesture with my arm that Kallan should join me, “Come on, then.”
She stands and stares at me, “What?”
“Let’s start with the neighbors. I’m sure they will be delighted to hear your tale of woe. Let’s start with them. We can get the authorities involved later if you feel it’s necessary, but let’s start with the neighbors.”
“What?”
“Don’t threaten me with garbage, Kallan. I grabbed your arm to stop you from crashing into your sister and you are not hurt. At all.”
“Ummmm . . . you should not grab my arm, Mom.”
“Are you hurt, Kallan?”
“Not actually, no.”
“Then stop being ridiculous.”
And I shut the door.
Later in the day, we are out walking and Kallan is being a pill. I warn her several times about her misbehavior, and then I make her hold my hand for the remainder of the walk. She does not want to hold my hand, and so she goes all limp in my grasp.
And so I tighten my hand around hers.
And she squeals in mock pain, “You are crushing my hand! You are trying to kill me! You are smashing my fingers into mush! You are not allowed to abuse your child! I am going to have to speak up here!
And so I stop in the path, bend down to meet her eyes and speak slowly and loudly, “Do you remember our earlier conversation, Kallan?”
She stares at me, “Which one?”
“The one about making accusations you aren’t able to back up. That one.”
“Yeah, why are you talking so loudly, Mom? People can hear you, you know,” and she looks around nervously.
“I am speaking loudly so that I have everyone’s attention. Now are you or are you not injured in any way?”
She speaks low and into her chest, “No.”
“I’m going to need you to speak up, babe. I want all of the people here at the park and walking past us to know if you are injured. Because if I have hurt you? We need to get to the bottom of that right away, and all of these lovely people can help.”
I am still speaking very loudly, “But if you are lying? Then I want them to hear that as well, because I am not going to be putting up with this crap. Do you hear me?”
“Yes.”
“OK, so let’s start again. And I will need you to speak up so that we are all clear. Are you hurt?”
“No.”
“Have I ever once, in your whole life, hurt you on purpose?”
“No.”
“Not once?”
“No. Please stop yelling.”
“I am not yelling, I am speaking loudly. And I will continue speaking loudly until we have resolved this. So have we had this discussion before? The one in which we talk about lying and accusing your mother of hurting you?”
“Yes.”
“And have we had this discussion once? Or many times?”
“Many times.”
“But you have just lied again, is that correct?”
“Yes.”
And then I stand and hold out my hand, “You need to hold my hand, Kallan.”
And she does.
And we walk.
Sigh.
So, my 9 year old has SO pulled that crap with me before. I was pissed. Also, her favorite line that she uses daily, “This is the worst day of my life.” If only.
I know you think this is just another post in a string of crappy days (totally stole that from your response to Adrienne’s comment), but it made me smile. That’s my kind of parenting!!
Thanks, you.
I had trouble posting today.
And this felt like settling.
So thank you.
Ooooh. I love this. :) I hope by the time my kids are old enough & I need this kind of skill? I’ll be able to think of the snark when it is still relevant. I am Mistress of the 10 Minutes Later comment. If I had 10 minutes to respond to any event? I would be hysterical & my kids would so be in line (kinda)!
My children?
Are way too witty for me to wait ten minutes to respond.
Way too witty.
I have had to up my game to stay competitive.
word of warning:
in 6th grade i wrote journal entries to my teacher that made my mom out to be an evil witch.
she is not.
kids are weird.
Yes, if my daughters are keeping diaries?
I’m not sure our accounts of my mothering?
Would exactly coincide.
Snort!
This makes me think of stupid crap that my kids do. Like just before last Thanksgiving, the kids and I were off grocery shopping and N (stepdaughter) was being all divaish and gross. She didn’t want to go to the grocery store with me so she refused to eat before we left home. And the minute we get into town, she starts talking about how hungry she is and insisting that I get her something from one of the various fast food places around the store. I of course told her that she should have eaten before we left home because we had alot of stuff to do at the grocery store before we could get any food to eat. THAT? Made for a very long shopping excursion which left her standing in the middle of one of the walkways screaming about how her real mom would get her something to eat and me telling her that lucky for her, I’m not her mama. Gregory was sleeping in the carseat in the buggy and missed the whole fit but it was awesome. She pouts alot.
And last nite, Gregory decided that it was a great idea to dive from the chair into the toy box and got a gross scrape on his forehead.
Sigh. These two are trying to kill me.
Children are a pain in the ass sometimes.
They just are.
Love you.
Hang in there.
Aww and I love you!! They so are a pain in the ass but they’re fun. My kids are hilarious and keep me very well entertained. Its kinda like a circus but with kids instead of clowns. We’ve got the flying trapeese guy but instead of a trapeese, we have living room furniture. And Little Miss Dramatic is all the entertainment of a roller coaster including the up and down induced nausea. HA!
I do love them all very much. They are my crazy world
Yes.
Crazy world indeed.
Well put, you!
Its currently all happy in my house. No one is screaming to be rescued from falling off something they shouldn’t have been climbing on in the first place. Both kids are playing in the kitchen. Natalie is pushing him around on his walker/ride on truck thing and growling at him and he’s squealing in excitement when she pushes him fast and is also growling back at her.
Sounds like a couple of velociraptors in there.
Here?
There is happy screaming.
I have two extra girls for a bit, and then one is staying for a sleepover.
They are noisy but occupied.
YAY!
Noisy but occupied is the best! They are noisy so you know where they are at all times and occupied to they are out of your hair. When my niece comes over, they are always loud and drive me to consume large quanties of sugar and sometimes alcohol. But they’re loud so I know they are ok. When it gets quiet, I have to go check to see who got tied up and gagged. HA!
Agreed.
Silent is deadly.
Children and farts . . . both stink.
My mother SO would have done this. She was never afraid to call me out on my bullshit.
Probably because I tried to pull stuff like this a lot.
I was quite the drama queen.
Ha! I said *was*
Snort.
Past tense.
Snort!
Oh, I cannot wait till she grows up and writes her own “Pretty All True”
It’s gonna beeeeeeee goooooooooooooooooood….
Yikes!
That is all.
I am so screwed. Thank God you are writing my parenting handbook for me…my girls maybe 4 (going on 14yrs old) and 7 months now…but not for long