OK, someone in my real life, but who is not in my day-to-day life, recently said to me . . .
“I can’t read your blog anymore. I know you’re just making stuff up to be a writer, and if I read all of these lies? It will influence my idea of who you are. And you don’t want me to think that’s who you really are. You don’t want me to think that’s the sort of mother you are. Ick.”
Sigh.
That’s exactly what I do want.
Minus the ick.
Snort!
I told someone recently, “I want to be seen and understood.”
In my entirety.
So I have re-written my ABOUT page. The old one was misleading, and it gave people too much permission to refuse to see the truth in my words. To use the phrase “Pretty All True” to dismiss my words as fiction.
I do not do fiction.
And now?
More bad momming . . .
According to Maj.
A few days ago . . .
Maj has had a rough morning. She is angry at me for a million small mothering offenses. I am trying very hard to be nice.
We’re at a restaurant, eating pizza. Maj is sitting across from me, all scowling and angry, because I? Am laughing at something Mark said.
Maj is humiliated.
“Mother, is there no way for you to just eat pizza like a regular person? Why do you have to always announce to the room that you are crazy?”
This? Makes me laugh harder.
Sparks are flying from Maj now, “You just seem to feel a need to humiliate me! Don’t make me move to another table, Mother.”
It is possible that if I were somehow able to catch my breath in moments like these? Maj might calm down. But I am helpless with laughter instead, and I’m now hiding my face in my napkin to collect my hysterical tears.
“Daddy? Do something about her! Everyone is staring at us! Make her stop!”
Mark turns to look at the other people in the restaurant and laughs, “All these people, Maj? These people looking at us? They want to be us. You need to relax.”
Maj thumps backward into her chair, “Fine, here’s what I am going to do. I am going to eat my pizza? With my eyes closed. You think I won’t, but I cannot stand the sight of you with your ridiculous laughing.”
And then?
She closes her eyes. She so does. And eats her pizza.
I just collapse into Kallan, who is sitting next to me. I cannot stop laughing. Tears, people. Tears.
Maj speaks as she eats blindly, “I know without opening my eyes? That your eyes? Are all ugly with laughing. That’s what I know.”
Oh my god.
Still without opening her eyes, Maj speaks again, her words filled with disgust, “And now? Because my eyes are closed to keep you out? I have eaten a weird nut or something that was on my pizza. It is hard to eat pizza with your eyes closed, and now I have eaten something weird. This is all your fault, Mother.”
I am literally . . . no longer able to breathe.
Maj opens her eyes and glares at me as I gasp and wipe my eyes, “Why do you like to torture me? What is wrong with you?”
I take several deep calming breaths. In and out. Inhale . . . . exhale. Inhale . . . exhale.
I eat a few bites of pizza.
Maj again, “Why do you think everything is so funny? Not everything is so funny. Why can’t you just be serious and normal?”
I sip my drink, “OK, wait . . . Maj? I am serious all the time. I can be serious. Hold on.”
She stares at me.
“OK, I will say something serious to you now, Maj.”
And I am going to say? That I love her. That despite our differences and the fact that she does not find me at all amusing? I love her more than anything in the world.
That’s what I was going to say.
But before I can say those words?
Maj leans over the table and spits these words into my face . . .
“Say it, then. SAY IT!”
And I am destroyed.
Plus also?
I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard.
Poor Maj.
She starts frantically collecting our plates and piling things together, “Are we ready to go? Are we ready to go? I have to get out of here! Get up! Get up! Get up! I have to get out of here!”
I struggle to my feet, all weak and giddy, follow my family out of the restaurant.
Maj takes Mark’s hand to hurry him along, and she looks up at him, pleading for support . . .
“Daddy, don’t you see? She is crazy.”
And that?
Is the truth.
Snort!
Love this! My kids and husband think I’m totally off my rocker… and I don’t care. I think the greatest gift we can give our kids is the truth about who we are – faults and all. I wish I knew more about who my mother really is, the good and the bad. My kids know me inside and out and I feel really good about that!
I will be back to answer all comments.
You know how I am.
But now?
I am off to take the girls and their friends to the park.
LEAVE ME COMMENTS!
Because you love me.
And because I said so.
Later!
Oh, look!
I am back.
I was gone longer than I expected. The girls and their friends stayed in the lake swimming forever.
So lovely.
Carolyn -
Maj would prefer to know less about me.
Significantly less.
She is out of luck.
And the next few years?
Are going to be difficult.
I too have laughed this hard at a restaurant with my kids. But they were all laughing just as hard. The guy with the water pitcher ran away from our table because we were all silent with hysterical gut wrenching laughter–which of course made us laugh harder.
I know this is something only you, Kris, can understand : )
Maj makes for great humor relief. I do worry about her though all seriously ragging on YOU for eating weird nut LOL
Maybe Maj IS the weird nut–
Maj is weird.
Fabulous and wonderful and quirky and crazy and weird.
But she sees none of that.
She only sees that the rest of us?
Are not like her.
And that her mother?
Is not like her.
And she?
Is perfect.
Snort!
You see this Maj?
This is my daughter.
The Rory to my Loralie
But the only difference between you and I here, is that at some point I would have had to have used the restroom…immediately.
Weird nut?
Yes.
That would have done me in.
Rene
I did have to stumble all giggling to the restroom as we headed out.
Which annoyed Maj.
Mother? Seriously, Mother? You can’t wait until we get home? Are you kidding me?
And then I really had to pee.
What with the new giggling fits.
Happy sighs. We share one heart my dear. Only reverse the roles. Me laughing hysterically with my dad while my mom nervously looks around to see who thinks we are crazy.
But still, happy sighs.
I love happy shared sighs.
Thank you!
It’s worse when you’re trying not to laugh. 100 times funnier. I remember as a kid in church sitting near my friends and being hysterical over absolutely nothing. The more we laughed, the more we laughed!
Maj is awesome.
Even I was laughing out loud.
Once I get going?
It is difficult to stop.
And if someone is all bossy about how I need to stop laughing right this instant?
I am helpless with laughter.
I think I’m hysterical. I crack myself up. I can see this becoming a problem when my son gets older.
I enjoyed your new about. I’ve never thought your stories where anything but true. But then again I believe everything I read on the internet.
Ummmm . . . there are lies on the internet.
Be careful out there.
But here?
You are perfectly safe here.
Snicker.
Lies on the internet? I don’t believe it. Or I guess I do because I said I believe everything. Crap. Now I am all confused.
I know.
The internet is filled with lies.
That’s why I get all my information from Twitter now.
No one lies on Twitter.
Snort!
First, sometimes people can’t appreciate us for who we REALLY are. You know, the good, the bad, the ugly, and even the *shocking* distasteful. Fuck those people. I am who I am and if you have an issue with it, fuck you. You, you don’t hide who you are and that should be encouraging to all of the world. People shouldn’t *not* read your blog b/c they know you. They should be fucking proud to know you. They should be shouting from the rooftops that they know an honest woman who speaks her mind without giving a fuck what other people think. Fuck that person. You don’t need them anyway.
2nd- You, are WAY cooler than my mom. If I had acted anywhere sort of like Maj did, my mom? Would have slapped me across the face and drug me out of the restaurant and that would have only been the beginning. Way cool. Way inspiring. Way Awesome.
I will perhaps not be telling this person your exact words.
Fuck that person.
Snort!
But I also do not believe that this particular person feels particularly proud to know me.
Sigh.
As for my reaction to Maj?
The bad thing?
Is that if I had been able to contain my laughter?
The rest of the afternoon would not have happened.
And the rest of the afternoon?
Sparked my letter of complaint to the Power Company.
So there is that.
Sigh.
I was wondering if we would get to read anything about the events that sparked the letter to the power company. For what it’s worth, the few times I made my mom cry made me feel like absolutely the worst person alive.
And sometimes, the only thing left to say to someone is a “fuck you” and anyone that didn’t appreciate me for me would totally be on my list to get one!! Fortunately for me, I’m not all G rated in real life so its no shock when I drop an f bomb or ten. I’m also possibly a little hostile today bc I’m having a fat day coupled with a massive fucking headache today, so my advice probably should not be listened to!! Also, totally jealous of your many summer lake runs
The lake is lovely.
I spent the whole time there talking to a real life friend.
It was lovely.
As for my argument with Maj?
The one that made me cry?
I don’t always blog in real time. Sometimes I need a little distance.
And sometimes? After I have written something like that down?
I see how silly it looks on the page.
And how the emotion and anger and hurt?
Does not convey.
Because it is personal.
Some things are.
Sigh.
I never doubted this blog was true … because truth is stranger than fiction and this blog is WEIRD. I love it!
I always used to get so embarrassed when my mom laughed really loud in public! Even now I have to hold the phone away from my ear when I tell her something funny. But I don’t mind anymore, luckily.
This blog is weird because I am weird.
And so I am all kinds of complimented.
I want to be seen.
And understood.
In all my weirdness.
Love the new “about” page. It really does sum it up!
I love getting into laughing fits. The ones where you laugh so hard, you’re pretty much silent and if a stranger happened upon you, they might think you were crying hysterically instead of laughing. Oh…those are the best laughing fits ever.
And, was it purposeful that you laughed even harder after Maj proclaimed, “Say it, then! SAY IT!”? Because, perhaps, you knew that would bother her more than yelling at her or even slapping her like Mandie’s mom?
I’m not always calm cool and collected enough to realize that yelling or getting mad isn’t the best response. I’m learning though…and your blog is surely helping!
I love that you read my About page. Thank you!
I also love laughing fits . . . Although I love them better when they are shared.
Sigh.
And as to whether or not I laughed at Maj on purpose?
Not even. I was completely out of control.
Completely.
“…and if I read all of these lies? It will influence my idea of who you are. And you don’t want me to think that’s who you really are.”
Uhm, WTF? Seriously.
This is my fear about blogging. I had a blog a few years ago and I’m gearing up to start a new one. But I worry about people I know getting all judgmental and crap.
I have always admired people who have a good sense of who they are and can disregard other people’s opinions about them. Go you!
Also, your reactions to the girls freak-outs cracks me up. I so wish I had been sitting at that table. :D
The person who spoke?
Thinks that she knows me well.
She worries that I am giving others a bad impression of myself.
She does not know me well.
As it turns out.
Her loss.
Love the new About page.
Love you and Maj and her devastating seriousness.
Love the stitch in my side from laughing.
(And I posted that story. It turned out differently than I’d expected going in. Thanks for nudging me.)
Making a note to read your story.
And I love that you checked out the new ABOUT page.
That has been bothering me for a while, but it was difficult to take the time to sit down and think about what I wanted it to say.
So thank you!
Your hard work? Should be read. Especially in the face of the real life pill reader.
That is all.
Awww . . .thanks, you!
But guess what?
She really isn’t reading any more.
She likes her version of me better than my version of me.
Whatever.
WOW. Can’t believe your real life person had the nerve to say that to you.
What I have to say to her?
ICK
LMFAO – she is clueless
Love how Maj always calls you MOTHER
Is it like MU-THHEEERRRRR?
Nope.
Mother is not long and drawn out at all.
It is sharp and hard and pointy.
Like a curse.
Ok, I’m dying here! That is just plain hysterical!! I will be retelling this story.
So glad to have spread the laughter!
I should not be the only silly one around here!
There is no bad-momming where you are. I actually look up to you in regards to both your parenting and your writing so that other person can suck it.
And poor Maj. She and my daughter couldn’t be more alike. Once her hormones really kick in you better keep laughing otherwise you’ll be crying. Hysterical laughing is one of my favourite things to do and I can picture you in the restaurant and it makes me happy.
Maj’s hormones?
Are kicking a bit.
We are having big fun over here.
And I hope to laugh a lot, as the crying?
That sucks.
Hahahaha. Love it! That little girl will have so many memories and stories when she gets older. Hopefully one day she will look back and have giggles about all these experiences.
I remember being all sorts of embarassed by my parental units, but now? I find the moments funny as hell. Also? I try like heck to embarass my fiance often. He hates it, and I all sorts of think it’s hilarious. And also? Can’t wait for the day I have babies and can do the same to them.
Love and much adoring-ness to you!
Maj is not a giggly sort of girl. She has always been very very serious.
We are an embarrassment to her.
Especially me.
Sigh.
Plus also?
SNORT!
Love your snorts. Love them!
Also, not to drop this here (feel free to delete) but the blog is back, well sort of — you did tell me to tell you when. :)
Not going to delete!
I will be by later!
And congratulations!