Kallan bought one of those ridiculous wheels of gum . . . Hubba Bubba. Big pink plastic container that opens to allow you to unspool lengths of pink sugary chewiness. She had friends over yesterday, and she didn’t want to share the gum with them. And so she left the container of gum here on my desk.
For safekeeping.
And now?
I owe Kallan an entire wheel of gum.
In possibly related news?
My jaw is tired.
Plus also?
I blow awesome bubbles.
I am all kinds of impressed with myself.
Did you know that if you are chewing gum in the bathtub and you lie back in the water so that it covers your face? And then you try to blow a bubble from beneath the water?
That shit doesn’t work.
Something to do with pressure.
And stupidity.
Anyway.
Speaking of pressure and stupidity?
One time?
I almost drowned.
Actually, I have more than one story about almost drowning, but in the interests of being relatable? I am going to pretend that this event happened only one time. Because, seriously? Who almost drowns three times?
Stupid people, that’s who.
OK, so I used to work as a counselor in a group home for troubled kids. I have mentioned this before, within the context of giving blow jobs to the way-hot nighttime supervisor. Plus also? There was bondage.
OK, focus . . .
That supervisor and I? We were having a lot of sex at the time I almost drowned.
Well, not at the actual moment of drowning . . . because that would suggest that the blow jobs were way more spectacular than I have previously mentioned.
I just mean that we were still in the early stages of our not-really relationship. That part where every gesture is fraught with sexual meaning. Oooooh . . . love that part.
The two of us had recently been switched to day-time responsibilities, and on this particular day? It was our job to take ten small incredibly dysfunctional and sexually inappropriate children to the beach. So not even kidding.
So the two of us were all sincere and responsible and caring and incredibly sexually charged up as we hit the beach with the kids.
YAY!
And within about ten minutes of arriving at the beach?
One of our incredibly stupid and disobedient children had floated out into the bay on an inflatable ring he had stolen. Jesus fucking christ. We’re here less than ten minutes and we have lost a child.
He wasn’t so very far out in the water, so we yelled at him to paddle back to the shore.
He did not do this. Instead? He began to scream at the top of his lungs about how he was going to die.
Fuck.
Clearly, one of us had to go out and get him. My supervisor and I looked at one another. And because I was all sexually charged up and in the midst of demonstrating to this man that I was completely worth fucking his life over for? I ran out into the water.
I am a decent swimmer, but I am not a great swimmer.
But off I went.
My mind was filled with images of the awesome sex that would soon be coming my way. The sex, truth be told, had not been that great thus far, but hero sex? I figured that shit was going to be amazing.
Ahem.
The kid? Was not so very far away, but as I swam? He drifted farther out.
I tried to scream at him to paddle toward me, but guess what?
He gave me the finger.
Yes, he so fucking did. Little asshole nine year old child gave me the finger.
And that’s when I knew I was in trouble.
He did not need rescuing. He was not going to help me. And I? Was fading fast.
You know what drowning feels like?
It feels stupid.
My memory of that next few minutes of struggling to catch and grab hold of the inflatable ring?
Goes like this . . .
I am the stupidest person in the entire fucking world and I am going to die. I am the stupidest person in the entire fucking world and I am going to die. I am the stupidest person in the entire fucking world and I am going to die.
In an endless thoughtful loop.
Somehow? I managed to grab that ring. Managed to catch hold and then, after a short gasping break, kick us both back to shore. The asshole child who did not need rescuing? Entertained me with tales of how he was pretty sure that if he wanted to? He could reach out and touch my boobs and I wouldn’t be able to stop him.
He was a charmer, that kid.
I could hardly breathe, much less reprimand him.
We made it back to the shore, where no one seemed to have even the slightest inkling of the drama that had just played out in the water.
I walked past everyone with shaking legs to the restroom, where I threw up copious amounts of bay water. Stood trembling for a minute.
And then rejoined the group.
Sat on the grass all wet and miserable.
One of our little Lolitas came over to sit with me. To snuggle up into my side. Offer me a piece of gum.
I blew awesome bubbles for her amusement.
I was all kinds of impressed with myself.
And this morning?
My jaw is tired.
All that and the hero sex did not happen? That’s just bullshit.
Also – very glad you didn’t drown.
I know, right?
He didn’t even realize I had been a hero.
Plus also?
Someone told him about the vomiting of the bay water.
And that?
Did not prove to be alluring.
Snort!
Kris the blowjob post is MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE post by you ever. I go back and read it whenever I need a good laugh. Sorry the sex wasn’t that great, but it makes for great comic entertainment!!!
Snort!
I do love to amuse.
Snort.
Dude, can I just say you so fucking rock. I have yet to read a post that doesn’t have me laughing out loud. Okay, so enough about how cool you are and more about the hero sex. You forgot to mention how that turned out. Were your legs willing to cooperate after you caused them so much pain and anguish?
I mentioned here in the comments that there was no hero sex.
He didn’t even know I had been a hero.
And if you have to point that shit out to get the great sex?
It is not going to be great sex.
Not even.
Sigh.
He was way hot.
I had such high hopes.
Stupid drowning.
Sigh.
Blowing bubbles, blowjobs, close to drowning, bad sex, bad kids – Damn girl, re-write that job description.
I have not seen the Blowjob post – going now! I’m sure it is interesting!!
Hee hee!
I was sitting here this morning, blowing bubbles with the last of Kallan’s gum and feeling sorry for myself.
What with the aching jaw and being a candy-stealer.
When the blowing and the candy and the water all connected.
My brain?
All kinds of fucked up.
A big plus in blogging.
I find.
I usually have something to say…but not today. I’m all out of one-liners. But I am curious to whatever happened to the 30 something supervisor?
I have no idea what happened to him.
Haven’t spoken to him in . . . 25 years?
If he shows up here and leaves a comment?
I will be sure to let you know.
Not fucking likely.
Snicker.
And how does one run out of one-liners?
I find that the more I use, the more I have.
Like sexual energy.
Ahem.
I am also very happy you didn’t drown…and curious about how you ended up in similar near-drowning situations two more times. There’s a story there. Yup.
Two more stories.
But in those stories?
I come off all stupid.
Not like here, where I am all heroic.
SNORT!
so you can’t blow a bubble under water? yet you still claim to give amazing bj’s? WTF?
OK, you?
Have made me gasp with laughter!
I can blow a bubble under water.
But not with bubble gum.
It collapses.
Oh my god, I am laughing so hard.
glad to be of service. *snort*
Being serviced . . .
Fucking love that.
How does Kallan not know that candy can’t be trusted with you?! Also, hubba bubba is delicious but it loses flavor in one point seven eight seconds flat. Lastly, you’re a fucking riot!! I so love these stories from your past.
Yeah, I don’t know what she was thinking.
And Hubba Bubba does lose its flavor immediately!
That’s why I had to keep taking more pieces.
Duh.
I would have been less afraid of dying by drowning than by the crazy allergic reaction to the cold water. ;)
That allergy?
Showed up within days after I stopped nursing Kallan.
Back when this story happened?
I was still all carefree about the cold.
Now?
That stupid inappropriate boy would have to paddle his own ass back to land.
Where I would wait with a towel.
Hah! Yes, lust causes me to fall into a stupid spiral, too. It’s maybe not worth dying over, but the rest? So awesome. Bummed you didn’t get your hero sex. I had some once! Maybe I’ll tell you about it when I get back from picking Carter up from school.
The hero part, not the sex! Sheesh, you dirty girl!
Ummmm . . . I am happy to hear your hero story.
I guess.
No chance of the sex story?
What if I beg and plead?
Maybe?
Yeah, I didn’t forget. The story just seemed so boring after I thought about it. Without the sex parts, I mean. And that part? No.
Hmmmph.
Maybe we could work a trade?
I have good stories.
I so do.
You want to trade sex stories? I have better ones than the hero sex. Only the funny stuff, though. Hot and pornalicious? Not my style.
Funny sex?
The best kind of story.
I’m in.
You first.
Hee hee!
Now you’ve made me want to go case the girls room for bubble gum. I need a little bubble blowing. “Sigh.”
It’s good to be back.
Oh, I have missed you!
I am so happy you have returned.
There has been some running amuck in your absence.
Ahem.
Why does lust inspire us to toss ourselves into cold water? Isn’t that completely counter-intuitive?
I have a story about that too. I didn’t almost drown. I did almost freeze. And I didn’t impress the guy nearly as much as I’d hoped, either.
I hate bubble gum.
I want that story!
Give it!
And this morning, with my jaw all annoyed?
I am not such a big fan of bubble gum either.
I always over-do everything.
Everything.
Snort!
I have noticed that about you…
And I do need something to post for tonight. Perhaps I’ll open myself up to nostalgia and internet humiliation and tell the tale of yearning and cold, cold water.
Overdoing things?
One of my biggest attributes.
And flaws.
Just ask Nigel.
Snort!
Ooooh . . . and you better not be teasing about that story!
As if.
I’m dragging it, kicking and screaming, into the world as I write.
Okay, not as I write.
Back to my own screen now…
OK, then.
I will be by later.
YAY!
No need to ask him, since, thanks to you, I hang out over there now, too.
I’m like a camp follower. It’s embarrassing.
He is like the Pied Piper of sex over there.
With his magical flute.
SNORT!
I told you I always go too far.
It’s a curse.
A lovely curse.
Oh, I am the worst swimmer. I always got put in the baby swim class because I didn’t like to open my eyes under water. I am also a terrible gum chewer. Well, not entirely true. I can pop my gum well enough to drive anyone crazy, but I haven’t been able to chew gum in years because it hurts my jaw so much.
Driving people crazy with the gum chewing?
That is more than half the fun of gum.
Ask Kallan.
Although she doesn’t have any gum at the moment.
Ahem.
Damn you have all the good fun. I do love some good foot long gum, but really LOVE cinnamon gum.
Cinnamon gum is way better.
Kallan didn’t buy that kind.
Stupid daughter.
You’re a hero! You didn’t drown the child.
I know!
No one seemed to realize how much danger he was in.
From the water.
And from me.
Stupid boy.
Uhg. Because if the little…. child had actually drowned? You would’ve been held responsible! But no, instead the little… child was an ungrateful brat.
Also? When I was younger I was trying to help some friends swim back to the boat because they were all cold and tired, one of them? Held onto my neck and then pretty much stood on me to get back into the boat.
I know.
The greatest danger to the asshole boy?
Was that I?
In my eagerness to save myself?
Dumped him out of that fucking inflatable ring and floated safely back to shore.
Leaving him to drown.
Good thing I was a hero.
Snort.