“Geez, Kallan, why do we keep having this exact same conversation? You are not allowed to speak to me that way! That big rude voice and smarty-pants attitude has just got to stop. Are you listening to me?”
Kallan is sitting on the floor, all small and sad, “Yes.”
I am annoyed, and my voice is all loud and cranky and I have just HAD ENOUGH of this sassy bad-attituded little girl.
“You may not yell in my face. You may not scream at me. You may not demand that I do things for you. You may not roll your eyes at me. Do you understand me?”
“Yes.”
I am still pissed, “Kallan, we keep having this exact same conversation. You behave all hideously and then we talk and you apologize. It is getting tiring.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yes, well . . . you keep saying that you are sorry. But if you were really sorry? You would stop doing the thing for which you are apologizing. But do you stop speaking rudely? DO YOU?”
“No. I’m sorry.”
“Augh. Stop saying you are sorry in that little sad voice! You are not even sorry! You are never sorry. AUGH!”
“I’m sorry, Mommy. I am.”
“Just sit there for a moment while I think.”
“OK,” and she sinks her head into her folded arms.
Sigh.
And then, as I am taking a few deep breaths and trying to come up with a new approach, I hear this . . .
Whispered into Kallan’s tucked up arms, “And that? Was my mom being all crazy and mean. You think she is nice, but this? Is how she is when no one is looking.”
What . . . the . . . fuck?
The answer, of course, is that she is holding her small camera tucked into her lap. And her small camera? Is set to video.
She is taping me.
Her face, as she looks up from the floor and holds up the camera?
Evil and triumphant.
She hops up and down with glee, “I am going to show this to everyone! I’m going to put it on Youtube so that everyone can see!”
Sigh.
I’m going to be famous.
Speaking of famous . . .
The other day, we are sitting at the mall. Mark and I are sitting in an outside courtyard area, and the girls are running around checking out all of the small stores in our immediate vicinity. One of them is Gymboree. Maj and Kallan are no longer Gymboree girls, but they wander in and out of the store, checking stuff out.
And Mark and I are sitting.
And then Daniel Baldwin walks by, holding the small hand of a very young girl. His daughter, I assume. She is maybe two and half . . . dressed in what looks like a blue flannel pajama outfit. They walk together into Gymboree.
Daniel Baldwin lives here in Lake Oswego somewhere.
I knew that, but I’d never seen him around before today.
Daniel Baldwin of Celebrity Rehab infamy.
Love that show. And Daniel Baldwin on that show? An awesome train wreck.
Sigh.
My new rule? Anyone I ever make fun of here on Pretty All True? I want them to stay the fuck away from me.
Hear that, Housewives of the various cities?
Because now? Daniel Baldwin is all real to me. We didn’t even talk. He just walked past me and into a children’s clothing store holding his small daughter’s hand. He bought her some stuff (no idea what, but she was happily carrying a small bag when they left). And they walked away, holding hands.
Sigh.
He’s somebody’s daddy.
And no matter who else he might be? That little girl holding his hand? Was confident that all he was in the world? Was her daddy.
I would make a terrible paparazzi photographer.
Kallan, however?
She would kick ass.
oh boy do you ever have your hands full!!!
Yes.
I so do.
kids these days and technology. we never had those kinds of advantages.
ps
you must be the most patient mother on the planet
Not according to Kallan’s videotaped evidence.
Sigh.
I read this type of thing, and I am grateful there are no children in my house – or there would no longer be children in my house. I gotta know: did you confiscate the camera? And if not, could you post the YouTube link? *wiping the tears from my eyes and the Pepsi offa my screen*
I, too, would enjoy this youtube clip. Brought to me by the hilarious, sneaky, all kinds of spunky Kallan.
Not fucking even.
Her camera was confiscated.
And then returned.
We had a little talk about rules.
I will keep you posted.
lmao…i’m sorry but that is hilarious…where does she think of these things?
She is an evil genius.
Damn. Just Damn.
I know, right?
Damn.
I love Kallan! You are going to have to make sure that all her internet blocks keep her off Youtube. Did I mention I love Kallan?
I love Kallan as well.
And yes! She is currently Youtube blocked.
We’ll see how long it takes her to figure that out.
Also, Kallan?
Is exhausting.
So, it goes without saying that the chances of us seeing said video are nil, no?
Also? Is Daniel Baldwin the one from Bio-Dome?
I have never heard of Bio-Dome.
That probably means that the answer is yes.
Snort.
Hold on . . . I will Google.
Nope! That was brother Stephen Baldwin.
Never heard of Bio-Dome? For shame!
Or is it shame on me?
I believe that shame?
Is all yours.
You should walk around with a hidden video camera too so that way after Kallan is acting like a monster you can threaten to show her friends how she really actswhen they aren’t around…always works for my 8year old.
And celebrity rehab is true genuis! Happy sighs of trainwrecks
The trainwrecks?
Are way more fabulous when they are not happening in your home.
Starring Mom.
Sigh.
Psssshhh! You’re not a trainwreck until you piss all your money away on nasty whores and insane amounts of liquor and forget your name. Then you have to go around town getting into strange people’s cars and flash your cooter to random people and be at fault in 2 hit and run accidents. If you can manage to do all of that all in 1 to 2 nights, you would be my hero of drippy trainwrecks and I would visit you everyday in jail and bring you cigarettes to bargin with the creepy shower lesbians.
Sigh
I make myself giggle
Ummmm . . .
Bring Marlboros. Cartons and cartons!
I plan to buy a lot of lesbian prison sex.
What?
Argh.
This is very much like how my sneaky evil son waits until he gets in trouble in front of my mother and then when I send him to his room (which is basically the only thing I do to him when I get mad at him) he shouts about how I yell at him & beat him & call him names & take away all of his belongings etc… which isn’t even the truth but boy, does she believe every word of it because when he does that? I definitely get pissed & yell at him like he’s never been yelled at before. So my mom thinks I am a monster and my son thinks he can get away with stuff.
Also I have a much younger cousin who would threaten to call cps every time she did something wrong so she would get out of getting any kind of punishment whatsoever. I don’t know what has gotten into kids these days (old person quote) because I never would have dreamed of being bad & I didn’t raise my voice to my mother until I was 18.
Argh.
Kallan?
Is mostly hilarious.
And then sometimes she crosses the line.
Argh, indeed.
I was going to say the same as Andrea.
I videotaped Buddy last year, in the midst of a major tantrum. First I told him I was sending the video to Santa so he could see how he acted. Then, later, I pulled it out for him to see how much of a raging lunatic he was being.
For the record, the santa thing worked. The other one? Not so much. He laughed.
Even though Buddy is some years younger than Kallan…I think they would get along well. LOL
I have never taped either of the girls having a tantrum.
I don’t videotape them often. At all.
Sigh.
Hahahahahahahaahahahahaaha!! Kmama that is hilarious! I’m such an evil step mom I tell Natalie crap about Santa and the Tooth Fairy all the time. This one time she was acting absolutely TERRIBLE and I changed my husband’s name in my phone to make it say Santa and then had Ben send a text to my phone that said something like Tell Natalie I’ve been watching her do such and such and throw a temper tantrum and I will not visit her unless she behaves better….Nataie cried and apologized for being hideous and asked if she could text Santa back to tell him that she was very sorry.
It was all I could do to contain my laughter.
One other time, she lost one of her teeth and was so excited about putting it under her pillow for the tooth fairy. I was really really busy and forgot to play TF until we woke up in the morning. So I scribbled a note in my prettiest Tooth Fairy handwriting and told her that I found the note on the front door. It said that she couldn’t get inside because Natalie forgot to open the window. Sneaky sneaky I will say that I made it up to her and took her to the movies and lunch in exchange for the tooth so I wouldn’t have to deal with it when I wanted to go to sleep.
OK, you?
Are having way more evil fun with this motherhood thing than I am.
I need a new game plan.
Its pretty fun trying to be more sneaky than she is. I’m gonna be in big trouble when she’s a teenager and catches onto my tricks.
But for now, she’s just gullible enough for me to have giggly fun with.
My daughters? Are not yet teenagers.
And they are not so much gullible.
My fault, I am sure.
I really want to see this video of you being all crazy and mean. Next time Kallan is being, well, Kallan, I think you should nanny-cam her and then post it on the internet. See how she likes the tables being turned. It would be hilarious.
No one will be seeing the video of me all crazy and mean.
Kallan does not YET know how to post to Youtube.
When she figures that out?
I am all kinds of screwed.
OMG, my youngest is so going to do that to me. Crap!
Children?
Way fun.
Kallan will be the death of me.
A death she will videotape.
Sigh.
i would’ve completely lost my shit when i saw the video camera. which would have made for an even better “my mom is crazy” video. yikes. she is sneaky.
Honestly?
I giggled.
A lot.
The thing is, Kallan would expect to be heralded for exposing the truth about her mean Mommy, but every tired-of-being-sassed Mommy on the intertubes would be all, “Hold it, Sister! I been there with your mean old Mommy, and SHE. IS. RIGHT. Can I get an ‘Amen?’”
Because let’s face it, Mommies run one half of the internet.
That’s my thought.
Amen.
I have to admit I was intrigued by the title and wondered what Kallan had been up to. This is not what I might have imagined. No where near it. I love this more than words can describe. She is going to go places, that little lady; there’ll be no stopping her.
Come to Moose Jaw. We don’t have any celebrities here. You will never have to think of any of them as real people, mommies, daddies, sons or daughters because you will never see one ever. We do have a giant moose though…road trip? We have the Tunnels here too. The ones made famous by Al Capone. For some reason this makes me think of Kallan…
The Portland area? Is not filled with famous people.
I think that’s why Daniel Baldwin is up here.
Al Capone had a mother you know.
She was probably really tired.