“Geez, Kallan, why do we keep having this exact same conversation? You are not allowed to speak to me that way! That big rude voice and smarty-pants attitude has just got to stop. Are you listening to me?”
Kallan is sitting on the floor, all small and sad, “Yes.”
I am annoyed, and my voice is all loud and cranky and I have just HAD ENOUGH of this sassy bad-attituded little girl.
“You may not yell in my face. You may not scream at me. You may not demand that I do things for you. You may not roll your eyes at me. Do you understand me?”
“Yes.”
I am still pissed, “Kallan, we keep having this exact same conversation. You behave all hideously and then we talk and you apologize. It is getting tiring.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yes, well . . . you keep saying that you are sorry. But if you were really sorry? You would stop doing the thing for which you are apologizing. But do you stop speaking rudely? DO YOU?”
“No. I’m sorry.”
“Augh. Stop saying you are sorry in that little sad voice! You are not even sorry! You are never sorry. AUGH!”
“I’m sorry, Mommy. I am.”
“Just sit there for a moment while I think.”
“OK,” and she sinks her head into her folded arms.
Sigh.
And then, as I am taking a few deep breaths and trying to come up with a new approach, I hear this . . .
Whispered into Kallan’s tucked up arms, “And that? Was my mom being all crazy and mean. You think she is nice, but this? Is how she is when no one is looking.”
What . . . the . . . fuck?
The answer, of course, is that she is holding her small camera tucked into her lap. And her small camera? Is set to video.
She is taping me.
Her face, as she looks up from the floor and holds up the camera?
Evil and triumphant.
She hops up and down with glee, “I am going to show this to everyone! I’m going to put it on Youtube so that everyone can see!”
Sigh.
I’m going to be famous.
Speaking of famous . . .
The other day, we are sitting at the mall. Mark and I are sitting in an outside courtyard area, and the girls are running around checking out all of the small stores in our immediate vicinity. One of them is Gymboree. Maj and Kallan are no longer Gymboree girls, but they wander in and out of the store, checking stuff out.
And Mark and I are sitting.
And then Daniel Baldwin walks by, holding the small hand of a very young girl. His daughter, I assume. She is maybe two and half . . . dressed in what looks like a blue flannel pajama outfit. They walk together into Gymboree.
Daniel Baldwin lives here in Lake Oswego somewhere.
I knew that, but I’d never seen him around before today.
Daniel Baldwin of Celebrity Rehab infamy.
Love that show. And Daniel Baldwin on that show? An awesome train wreck.
Sigh.
My new rule? Anyone I ever make fun of here on Pretty All True? I want them to stay the fuck away from me.
Hear that, Housewives of the various cities?
Because now? Daniel Baldwin is all real to me. We didn’t even talk. He just walked past me and into a children’s clothing store holding his small daughter’s hand. He bought her some stuff (no idea what, but she was happily carrying a small bag when they left). And they walked away, holding hands.
Sigh.
He’s somebody’s daddy.
And no matter who else he might be? That little girl holding his hand? Was confident that all he was in the world? Was her daddy.
I would make a terrible paparazzi photographer.
Kallan, however?
She would kick ass.
Wow, I would say that you really are going to have it tough coming up soon.
The teen years are the w o r s t.
Might I recommend taking her door away (off the hinges)as a form of punishment.
It works wonders.
Taking notes.
Thank you.
Please email an application for ‘evil minion.’ To be a truly evil parent? You once needed to have been an evil minion; and I’m still both.
Snorts of love!
It’s in the mail!
YAY! I’ll mail you a case of root beer pops in return. They’ll be all good and liquidy by the time they get there.
Snort.
HA!
Oh the “Sorry” game. I remember it well.
I had the same conversation where I told the kids that “sorry” was only a word and it didn’t mean anything unless you back it up with actions. I told them that if they were going to say it & not do anything about the actions, let me know by just saying “watermelon”(Funny how that was the first random word that came to me in the heat of trying not to use duct tape…). Then they wouldn’t be insulting my intelligence by pretending they were really sorry. After that, whenever they started trying to play the “sorry” game, all I would say is “watermelon” & walk away. With one word, I was spared having to give the whole speech over again!
Lots of love & wishes that you remember to password protect your computer so Kallan can’t break into it!
Kallan’s computer is all blocked and protected. Which annoys the hell out her, because we have blocked all of the exact things she would like to see and do.
And Watermelon?
I will have to try that.
Kallan is an evil genius…I love it. You just have to figure out how to harness that genius for good instead of evil.
If only.
How ’bout you put the video up on your blog and charge a fee to see it?? I’m looking at the big picture here – you’d be “raking it in”!!!
You are a Kallan-like genius!
Sadly for both of you? I have figured out the delete button.
Holy cats. This is why I don’t have kids, yet. And also? Why I want one! I love that she taped you, and that you were able to laugh about it!! Ha!
Yes, I can understand that this story?
Might give one pause before having children.
Maybe that’s why no one tells you this kind of stuff before you have children.
Or at least . . . nobody told me.
I know tuis is an older entry, I’m getting caught up. Deal with that for a moment. Ready? Yes? Good then, let’s go for with my community goodness.
This? Scares the crap outta me. I hadn’t even CONSIDERED this particular aspect of parenting in the digital age. But now? I have a plan. I am sly full of plans and shit. So of course. This will turn out to be more awesome than anything. Because I am now preparing myself by collecting horrible and humiliating videos of my kids. And then? When they have a threat? i am all, “Excellent. Because I have a few I want to post as well.”
Problem solved.
Except I may actually want to post the videos anyway,
Excuse me, I have more planning I need to do right now.
Except my girls?
Know that I hate video-taping anything, and that I have an issue with images going out into the internet.
And my girls? They know I would never follow through on my threats.
So I am all weak.
And I am screwed.