Babies freak me out.
I am not a baby person.
I loved my own babies, more than I would have thought possible.
But in general? I am not a baby person.
When someone hands me a baby? I tend to hold it as though the mother has asked me to hold her purse as she enters a public bathroom stall. All awkward and slightly away from myself.
This purse?
This is so not my fucking purse.
As soon as its owner finishes wiping her ass?
I am so giving this purse back to her.
People tend not to hand me babies.
Snort.
So it amuses me no end to see Maj’s discomfort with her youngest cousin, who is nine months old. Yes, there is the germ thing. Maj hates germs. But also? There is just a general uneasiness.
The other day, I asked Maj to stand guard over her youngest crawling cousin as Kallan and I arranged lunch. Maj’s job was just to keep the baby on her blanket.
“You going to be OK, Maj?”
“Yes, Mother. How hard could it be?”
The baby immediately crawls off of the blanket.
And then Maj stands tall and erect over the baby and yells down instructions, “NO, BABY! STAY, BABY! STAY, BABY! STAY!”
And the baby heads off for parts unknown.
And Maj, still standing straight and tall, arms at her sides, yells after her cousin, “COME BACK HERE! STAY ON YOUR BLANKET! NO, BABY! NO!”
Kallan is in giggly tears, “The baby is sooooo taking advantage of Maj!”
“STAY, BABY! GET BACK HERE AND STAY!”
Maj is all annoyed, “Someone needs to help me here. The baby is going crazy.”
I pick up the baby, put her back on her blanket.
Maj stares down at her cousin with cranky eyes and crossed arms, “I told you I was never going to be a babysitter. Didn’t I tell you that, Mother? Children don’t listen to me. And babies? I have bad experiences with babies.”
Snort!
Although I remember a bad experience with a baby.
The worst experience I have ever had with a baby who was not my own.
Hands down.
It was during the summer break after my first year of law school, long before I had my own children. I was wandering around campus and ran into two women I knew from class. One of them was pushing a stroller. I didn’t know either woman well, but I couldn’t just fail to acknowledge the fact that one of them was now a mother. So I went over and said hello and oohed and ahhhed over the baby.
Because that’s what you do.
The baby was cute in the way most new babies are cute.
By which I mean not that cute.
Anyway.
Because I was not a mother and I didn’t think the baby was that cute, I tried to steer the conversation to law school topics. We chatted for a bit.
The baby sucked on its hand.
Babies do that. I am not an idiot.
But then my attention was caught by the fact that the baby was really sucking on its hand.
Jesus! I had no idea a baby could stick that much of its hand into its mouth!
I kept talking, but now? I was slightly panicked.
The baby had shoved its entire right hand into its mouth. And I was the only one who had noticed this fact. The other women kept talking and chatting, and I was consumed with the certainty that I should speak up.
How was this baby able to breathe with its hand stuffed into its mouth like that? It was going to choke and perhaps die right in front of me! It was eating itself!
The baby shoved the hand deeper into its mouth.
Well past the wrist.
FUCK!
I freaked out.
But still I said nothing, because the baby was all happy! Looking up at me with shiny eyes and a face covered with slobber. All content.
I could not stop staring.
How was the baby doing this?
What the fuck?
I waited for all hell to break loose, for the mother to notice and shriek for paramedics.
Or an excorcist.
But instead?
As I stared?
The baby pulled its arm out of its mouth.
And the hand?
Was gone.
OK, I was so freaked out at this point that the thought did flash through my mind . . . the baby just ate its hand! The baby just ate its hand! Oh my fucking god!
My heart was racing.
But then the mother reached down and wiped her baby’s arm stump with a soft towel. She looked up at me and smiled pityingly at the look on my face, “Oh, didn’t you know? It runs on my husband’s side of the family. She’ll get fitted for prosthetic hands later.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
How the fuck would I have known that?
How do you not open with that information?
The baby stared up at me with laughing eyes. Waved its handless arms in the air.
Crazy fucking woman, using her child’s deformity for her own amusement.
I wonder whatever happened to that woman?
She would have been awesome at this blogging thing.
Hee hee!
“Yes, Mother. How hard could it be?”
The baby immediately crawls off of the blanket.
Classic!
Urrg I hate it when people try handing their baby to me. Actually I don’t like it when they even try showing me their baby. I am glad I’m not a girl because it seems mandatory to hold peoples babies if you are. I can mostly avoid it.
Also it turns out there are some cute babies. I have actually seen one or two. But most are just annoying balls of screaming. And some are just so down right ugly I query the mental state of the parent who is oohhing and arring over it and not trying to smoother it with a pillow. I’m all sensitive like that :)
I am not saying that there are NO cute babies.
Only that so many people seem to think that ALL babies are cute.
And that?
Is just not the case.
Babies (for me) need about 5 months to get cute. And even then?
Some of them are way ugly.
They know who they are.
I too?
Am all sensitive.
Hee hee!
you didn’t really think i’d silence myself did you? Maj & your baby thing is too funny especially because i recall being handed (oh god) you as an infant and you acted like the purse that got taken into the stall! You would arch your back and try to make as much distance between you and the loving adult holding you. Also it reminded me of a story where my mom was downtown during xmas & a lady in the elevator had a ton of pkgs. Auntie Caryl said something like “you look lke you need a hand” only to look down and see that the woman had no hands!! Could this be your mom’s story? Could this be the baby’s great grandma on the husband’s side? And come on you can’t keep your hands off puppies!! rub it in why don’t you…
The idea that I was a cranky arching baby (as Maj so was) makes me smile.
And trust you to leap in with a version where my mother is not a story-stealer.
Although the story you tell?
I have never ever heard. And I would sooooo remember that story.
Hmmmmm.
Plus also?
I cannot believe that you are the first one to notice my inappropriate fondling of the puppies!
It’s like we’re related or something!
Hee hee!
Holy crap, that was a funny story!!
Not only am I bad with babies, but I am bad with children of most ages. Good thing I have 5 (including step-children). When they start to leave for college is when I start getting good with them.
Snort!
I have read your blog . . . you are plenty good with your children.
Although there are times?
When the idea of visiting the girls at college?
And then going home without them?
Sounds pretty sweet.
I love babies. Babies love me. I do not love small children, but they find me unbelievably entertaining. I have no idea what it is.
But a handless baby? You just made me LAUGH about a handless baby.
And I pretty much don’t even feel bad about it.
My day?
Totally fucking made.
YAY!
The coolest person I ever met in my entire life was this way hot guy in my Criminal Justice classes in college. His name was Joey and he was so unbelievably fucking hot! One day after class he asked me out to lunch and of course I argeed. I mean who wouldn’t?! He was so fucking sexy it was insane! Anyway I learned a few days later as the topic of our lunch conversation was the fact that he had one whole arm and one that ended a few inches past his forarm.
How the fuck did I not notice that before? Oh wait I know. I was too busy drooling over the fact that he was so damn gorgeous. Geez!
Anyway when it came time for the check, he gave the server his credit card WITH HIS NUB! WITH HIS FUCKING NUB! And then giggled hysterically as the guy grabbed it with two fingers like he was going to catch some crazy disease. It was FUCKING AWESOME! I had a newfound love for this guy!
Best. Date. Ever.
You . . . are . . . awesome for having shared that story.
With his fucking nub.
So awesome.
Did you sleep with him?
Inquiring minds want to know.
No I never slept with him. Sadly he ended up being all hooked on pills. I thought he would be safe as he was in my CRIMINAL JUSTICE classes but turns out he was really just trying to find the best way to hide his drugs by learning where the police would look first.
He sure was hot tho! And hilarious with his nub. HA!
Oh and another thing, the license plate on his car way NUBBY1 Like how did I miss that. I knew what his plate was but didn’t know that he only had one fucking arm. I was blinded by that hotness.
Oh well
He called me one nite and told me how hard it was to hang blinds with one arm and a nub. I felt bad that he was having such a hard time but he wouldn’t let anyone help him do it. He was hilarious and not at all bothered by my millions of questions. He was honest about his pill thing with me which was cool that he wasn’t trying to hide it from me but I was not interested with dealing with that mess so we just kinda quit hanging out.
Best story ever.
You realize you are basically blogging in my comments, right?
YAY, me!
His license plate?
I . . .am . . . dying.
No no, not blogging. Just sharing. How could I not share that story with you?! I mean geez! I am apparently oblivious to anything obvious. I notice things like a freaking license plate but completely miss a missing arm. HA!
Soooo funny, you.
So funny.
Thank you!
From the annals of “No Hugs Please.”
I, also, have never loved babies until mine were born.
I, also, loved no other babies, after mine were born.
The end.
I am sure there will come a point where we completely disagree on something, and the spell will be broken.
But for now?
I am spellbound.
The end.
Wrong, just totally wrong.
I may or may not be just a teensy weensie bit in love with you. (also may or may not be a whore)
Signed,
your newest follower.
Hey, you!
Whores are welcome here!
Especially fawning loving whores.
And a mad woman to boot?
Swoon!
I will have to check you out.
Bahahahaha this post is just full of win. You’re an excellent writer and that story is just hilarious! :)
Snort!
Thanks, you!
Oh. my. god. Yes, high five to that mom — the look on your face would’ve been priceless and then some! Haha!
I can’t say I have ever had an experience such as this, but once I worked at a restaurant with my future mother in law. We had a sweet blind man as a customer one day, and this day, just happened to be his birthday. I thought, how sweet — let’s sing to him and bring him a cupcake for his birthday. Yay! My mother in law, brought the cupcake out complete with lit candle so you know, the guy could make a wish and blow the candle out.
Except, well he couldn’t SEE it. I stood there all sorts of horrified as blind man tried like hell to blow the candle out, mother in law rotated the cupcake trying to get it in his aim, and the man sitting with the blind man looked at us like we were all sorts of hell’s beast. Not one of our finer moments.
Wait, what?
beasts, that is. I meant beasts. :|
People?
You need to tell others to read my comment section.
Even if they don’t want to read my posts?
There is gold in my comments.
Gold.
Your comment section is absolutely hilarious and brilliant. But seriously. Your blog in its entirety, THAT is gold. And also? Perfection.
I am all blushing now.
Thank you.
I sooooo think we are related. I am sooooo not a kid person. I have my own and I deal averagely well with them. but
other ppls kids, no thank you.
I think kids also know that I am not a kid person. they just stay away from me.
I find nothing wrong with this, as not everyone loves babies.
I think there are more people like us out there than you think.
But they are all scared to admit it.
Because women are supposed to love all babies and children.
Fuck that.
This is hands down (no pun intended) the best baby story I´ve ever read! It´s so good I almost wish it had happened to me, but not really.
Funny thing about me is that I´ve always loved kids and babies until I had my own. Now I mainly only like mine and, mostly, other peoples´ kids annoy me.
The best baby story you have ever read?
Swoon.
Should I have laughed? Would that be inappropriate? Because if so, I was just all sorts of inappropriate.
There has been lots of giggling at this post.
Perfectly appropriate.
Perfectly.
Haha…I just wrote a whole blog post about a week ago about how newborn babies are SO not cute.
And Maj? Still hilarious as ever. “Stay baby.”
And Kallan? Also still hilarious. I love that she just laughs at her sister clearly not knowing what to do with the baby…
Snort!
Link to that post, please?
Here ya go:
http://permanentlyatlunch.blogspot.com/2010/08/no-need-to-lie-to-me.html
Drat – I was hoping you were going to end with “and that’s how I met Houdini’s reincarnated soul”
Snort!
That would have been awesome.
“Hands Down”.
Oh fuck. I think I just peed a little in my pants after reading that. Then reading the title again. Then smiling at the monitor like an idiot with the smirk that could only say, “Oh, you. You and your play on words”. As if you could actually see me or something.
Anyway, hilarious, as always. Thanks for the laugh.
Peeing?
Hee hee!
Love that.
Dampness of any sort that is my doing?
Lovely.