Dear Power Company,
I am sending you this letter to request immediate corrective action on our household’s power account.
I have never written to you before, even though I have had minor issues in the past with your services. Despite the fact that some of those issues were alarming at first, our past power struggles have proven to be issues best resolved at the household level. I am not the type of person to come whining about every little problem.
I know that you make many decisions about how the power flows and to whom it should flow. This is a huge responsibility, and I appreciate the myriad difficulties that must arise in trying to attend to everyone’s needs. Over the years, our family has been quite content with the power distribution in our household. Although there have been occasional disruptive surges (which you have given me to understand are somehow related to sunspots), we have been mostly pleased with our power supply.
Now, however, a situation has arisen at our house that requires immediate attention.
Recently, it has come to my attention that my older daughter has been granted a significant quantity of hostile mean-spirited power that neither her father nor I have given her permission to acquire. She is in no way prepared to appropriately use the power with which she has been suddenly bestowed. She is abusing her new power, and appears to have no sense of voltage control whatsoever.
Additionally (and surprisingly), her new power appears to be gaining in strength as the days pass, a quality I have not experienced with the power that has been granted thus far to me.
And so, I would like to ask, as politely as I know how . . .
What the fuck?
You do realize she is only eleven years old, correct? If it is true, as her father and I have been made to understand, that she will come into new awesome powers with the advent of her teenage years, we are screwed. Screwed.
Screwed like a lightbulb.
Yes, that was a little power humor to lighten the mood.
Lighten the mood . . . get it?
But seriously, I would like immediate action taken.
I would like to formally request the immediate and complete cessation of all power currently being supplied to Maj.
Her father and I will share our power with her for a period of time as we assess the situation. Once we have determined the amount of power she can handle without overload and friction? We will make a formal request for that power.
I can assure you that when we have completed our assessment and have come to a determination of the power required by our eleven year old daughter? She will not be running around our house like the fucking ruler of the universe. What on earth were you thinking?
She is eleven, people.
In conclusion . . . please unplug whatever must be unplugged; flip whatever switches must be switched; and redirect whatever must be redirected.
Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.
Kris Wehrmeister
Accnt. #938-59348-5798-3476
P.S. An eleven year old girl should not have the power to make her mother cry. Please make a note in my account of my thoughts on this. I have a younger daughter named Kallan, and if she also makes me cry because of some future reckless power distribution on your part? I am coming down to your offices? And I am going to kick some ass.
*sigh*
I hear you. *hugs*
That is all.
Do not hug me.
I am all sappy today.
Hmmmph.
Crap. Sorry. Instinct.
No hugging. Got it.
If I forget on Twitter then just bitch at me.
I always do.
And your husband?
He is way awesome on Twitter.
I will try not to screw with him so much in the future.
He makes me laugh.
Oh boy, are you in for a ride the next 7 or 8 years.
That not liking hugs thing? Might want to reconsider.
I do not want hugs.
I am going to buy a whip of some sort to fend off the hugs.
People can be sappy without wanting to be touched and comforted.
Yes, they can.
Yes, they can.
Hey, I purposely didn’t offer a hug even though a post like this written by anyone else would have gotten one from me. I’m a hugger. I also know my audience. ;)
Just saying you may want to rethink. You may not want one. You might NEED one.
Mark has got the hug thing covered.
Promise.
Sigh.
This is a unique approach and one I wish I would’ve considered in regards to my Justine. Who is 13 and after my having read some of your blogs to her, regarding Maj, recognizes they are very much alike. And comments that they both have live with “ridiculous families!”
Best of luck to you.
And love. Always love.
Thank you.
Usually?
I just use my awesome powers of deflective humor.
But today?
She got to me.
Hate that.
Try this:
1) Put child in bathtub full of water.
2) Toss in toaster.
3) Relax with a nice hot toddie.
I think perhaps a little heavy short circuiting might reset her voltage.
Don’t ask me to explain how. I’m not an electrician. I’m just a literary god.
Mark?
Has suggested electrodes and shock therapy of the car battery sort.
He also suggested I needed a drink.
You two have much in common on this issue.
No wonder I love you both.
I am vaguely spooked by that.
But at least when I am ready to abdicate my throne? Mark can just sneak into the palace at the appointed hour and we can make a switch.
Mark is full of delighted laughter that you think that YOU are on the throne.
He is all bossy in his kingdom today.
Especially as I have been weakened by one of the evil princesses.
Sigh.
You just remind your peasant husband who exactly it is that has cornered the market on lustful internet women wanting to suck the brains straight out of his head.
I’ll be over here, having some of them polishing my crown.
Mark says to remind you that as my tech-support guy?
He can shut this all down at any moment.
And then you would be left there . . . polishing.
Is his role in life to just suck the fun out of everything?
Fun police, everyone!
Run!
Snort!
Guess what?
Mark is not even here.
I am totally making his words up.
You?
Are a big baby.
You are so lame, I don’t even know where to begin.
Actually, maybe with a good paddling.
Yeah, that might work.
You are calling ME lame?
Mr. I’m Going to Scale Back on the Blogging but First Let Me Post 10 More Times Today?
That’s rich.
lighten the mood? snort
and I’m totes curious about the account number. do you get one when you get married? like a joint account? or can you access your power account when you’re still single?
We did get the account when we married, and adjustments have been made over the years as circumstances warranted.
Before being married?
I just took all the power I wanted. No regulation was required.
Sigh . . . those were the days.
My five year old? Must never be allowed to meet your eleven year old. If they combined forces? I’m not sure the universe could take it and it would likely implode. And that would just suck for the rest of us.
There are apparently more than a few people Maj is never to meet.
Sadly? She never listens to me.
And so we?
Are all doomed.
Dearest Kris,
As always, no is our answer.
Love,
TPC.
snort.
Damn it.
Ohhhhhhh I am so not looking forward to this. I will have to revisit Pretty All True about 8 years from now and gather strength from the fact that you went through this misery and survived. Kids. Who’d have ‘em? Someone get this lady a beer. With a beer COOZIE. ;)
A beer sounds lovely.
Even wrapped in a pornographic sounding koozie.
Snort.
Thank you.
So I’m reading along and it all makes sense and seems like a genuine letter to the power company. Then I get right to the end where you put the account number. And suddenly I’m all “hey, hang on that doesn’t look like a genuine account number at all”. Its way too long for a start. How many customers does your power company think they are going to sign up?? Also the number distribution looks suspiciously like “keyboard random”.
You do realize you are the one who put power companies in my head, correct?
You are all influency.
And yes, keyboard random.
But guess what?
Super smart me?
At first typed in our actual phone number.
Because I am just that stupid, apparently.
Snort!
Is there some atmospheric glitch?
My eleven year old.
The one I labored to bring into this world
so that she could immediately start her Littlest Pet Shop collection.( This is how she sees it)
Has been mean girling me, all day.
I will not be intimidated by my creation.
I should not be.
Yeah, that worked out real well in Jurassic Park.
Suck it, Velociraptor
Peace ~ Rene
And you?
Have made me laugh out loud.
Suck it, Velociraptor!
So fucking funny.
just wait til she’s 30. it gets worse and you’re the reason. that really sucks. flick the switch–now.
Do not tell me it gets worse.
You are annoying me.
I am all sweet to my mother.
Mom?
If you’re out there?
Shut up.
Hmmm…ways to pull the rug out from under an 11 year old girl. Lessee…
Does she own anything interesting? If yes, take it away. Leave her in her room with nothing but a dictionary, a copy of Bleak House, and a Wagner CD.
Feed her a diet of Brussels sprouts and grapefruit juice, unless of course she likes either of those things, in which case, adjust accordingly.
There’s no clean like the clean of a toilet that’s been worked over with a toothbrush by a child who won’t be allowed to go to sleep until said toilet gleams.
If all else fails? Pack her in ice. Warmth is the last luxury, the final frontier, the thing whose loss might finally make her sit up and take notice.
Things got WAY better with Abbie when she got her first period. The hormones leading up to that were a fucking nightmare for over a year, but it got better after. Then, about two years later? Much, much better. Still a teenager, still captain of the PMS squad, but way less volatile.
Hang on; this ride doesn’t last quite as long as most people say it does.
I am taking notes, wise woman who has gone before me.
Taking notes.
Although I like that first idea best . . . just literally yanking the rug out from underneath her just to see the look of stunned surprise as she flips and tumbles.
Happy sighs.
People should listen to me more often!
Go! Tell them! I am wise and prepared to tell people how this shit is done.
Cracking myself up over here.
Silly one.
I would love if you were the traveling type.
You could come over and scare the shit out of Maj. Make her realize I am not as evil as she appears to think.
The thought of you forcing Maj to clean a toilet with a toothbrush?
Makes me giddy.
See, now that’s an awesome idea. I’ll come kick your girls’ asses for a few days, and you come do the same over here. We’ll both do our very best drill sergeant impersonations and make each other look positively angelic in comparison!
I DID make the older kids clean the toilets (conveniently, we have one toilet for each of the three older kids) with toothbrushes one time, but their crime? Totally worthy. In fact, it was so bad, they all went to their other parents’ houses and cleaned toilets there, too. I wonder if the kids will give me permission to tell that one.
You?
Have the best stories.
Yes, please . . . blog those.
All hail Adrienne!
Dictionary, Bleak House, & Wagner. Fucking GENIUS.
Might I suggest “Tristan und Isolde?” It’s particularly … weighty.
Snort.
Hah! At first I was thinking Anna Karenina, but I thought that might be too much fun. Bleak House lives up to its title, from first page to last.
While we’re at it, we can throw in Great Expectations or A Tale of Two Cities or War and Peace. And bonus?
I have lesson plans, complete with essay topics, which must be completed before she can resume living a “normal” life again.
Be careful.
Maj likes lesson plans.
She might not think that was a punishment at all.
hugs? not even. strong liquor? bring it on!
and love to you.
always love.
Love?
I will always take love.
Thank you.
And liquor?
Love that.
My niece is 10 and acts like this. So basically she is acting like a, what?, 16 year old. Then my six-year-old daughter starts imitating her. So now we have a 10 yo and a 6yo acting like obnoxious teenagers. WTF?
Yes, and my 9 year old Kallan?
Already acts like a teenager, just with less hostility than her older sister.
Mark and I are fucked.
A drink will not suffice in a situation like this.
Nor will a hug.
I happen to have some extra strength anti anxiety medication for exactly this kind of stress. I am more than willing to expedit it to you for tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, just don’t go near her with a knife. I know causing harm at this point may be tempting, but just remember:
1. You’ll regret it- crazy love, remember?
2. You’ll go to jail. And you would miss Mark and Nigel, wouldn’t you. PLUS, more importantly, I really enjoy your blog.
3. You may get electrocuted in the process. Proceed with caution.
I will pack up the medication for you now. Hold in there.
Happily?
The writing has been therapeutic.
As has the giggling.
I will hang in there.
Tappity fingers of impatience on the arrival of the UPS guy.