Dear Power Company,
I am sending you this letter to request immediate corrective action on our household’s power account.
I have never written to you before, even though I have had minor issues in the past with your services. Despite the fact that some of those issues were alarming at first, our past power struggles have proven to be issues best resolved at the household level. I am not the type of person to come whining about every little problem.
I know that you make many decisions about how the power flows and to whom it should flow. This is a huge responsibility, and I appreciate the myriad difficulties that must arise in trying to attend to everyone’s needs. Over the years, our family has been quite content with the power distribution in our household. Although there have been occasional disruptive surges (which you have given me to understand are somehow related to sunspots), we have been mostly pleased with our power supply.
Now, however, a situation has arisen at our house that requires immediate attention.
Recently, it has come to my attention that my older daughter has been granted a significant quantity of hostile mean-spirited power that neither her father nor I have given her permission to acquire. She is in no way prepared to appropriately use the power with which she has been suddenly bestowed. She is abusing her new power, and appears to have no sense of voltage control whatsoever.
Additionally (and surprisingly), her new power appears to be gaining in strength as the days pass, a quality I have not experienced with the power that has been granted thus far to me.
And so, I would like to ask, as politely as I know how . . .
What the fuck?
You do realize she is only eleven years old, correct? If it is true, as her father and I have been made to understand, that she will come into new awesome powers with the advent of her teenage years, we are screwed. Screwed.
Screwed like a lightbulb.
Yes, that was a little power humor to lighten the mood.
Lighten the mood . . . get it?
But seriously, I would like immediate action taken.
I would like to formally request the immediate and complete cessation of all power currently being supplied to Maj.
Her father and I will share our power with her for a period of time as we assess the situation. Once we have determined the amount of power she can handle without overload and friction? We will make a formal request for that power.
I can assure you that when we have completed our assessment and have come to a determination of the power required by our eleven year old daughter? She will not be running around our house like the fucking ruler of the universe. What on earth were you thinking?
She is eleven, people.
In conclusion . . . please unplug whatever must be unplugged; flip whatever switches must be switched; and redirect whatever must be redirected.
Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.
P.S. An eleven year old girl should not have the power to make her mother cry. Please make a note in my account of my thoughts on this. I have a younger daughter named Kallan, and if she also makes me cry because of some future reckless power distribution on your part? I am coming down to your offices? And I am going to kick some ass.