Dear Power Company,
I am sending you this letter to request immediate corrective action on our household’s power account.
I have never written to you before, even though I have had minor issues in the past with your services. Despite the fact that some of those issues were alarming at first, our past power struggles have proven to be issues best resolved at the household level. I am not the type of person to come whining about every little problem.
I know that you make many decisions about how the power flows and to whom it should flow. This is a huge responsibility, and I appreciate the myriad difficulties that must arise in trying to attend to everyone’s needs. Over the years, our family has been quite content with the power distribution in our household. Although there have been occasional disruptive surges (which you have given me to understand are somehow related to sunspots), we have been mostly pleased with our power supply.
Now, however, a situation has arisen at our house that requires immediate attention.
Recently, it has come to my attention that my older daughter has been granted a significant quantity of hostile mean-spirited power that neither her father nor I have given her permission to acquire. She is in no way prepared to appropriately use the power with which she has been suddenly bestowed. She is abusing her new power, and appears to have no sense of voltage control whatsoever.
Additionally (and surprisingly), her new power appears to be gaining in strength as the days pass, a quality I have not experienced with the power that has been granted thus far to me.
And so, I would like to ask, as politely as I know how . . .
What the fuck?
You do realize she is only eleven years old, correct? If it is true, as her father and I have been made to understand, that she will come into new awesome powers with the advent of her teenage years, we are screwed. Screwed.
Screwed like a lightbulb.
Yes, that was a little power humor to lighten the mood.
Lighten the mood . . . get it?
But seriously, I would like immediate action taken.
I would like to formally request the immediate and complete cessation of all power currently being supplied to Maj.
Her father and I will share our power with her for a period of time as we assess the situation. Once we have determined the amount of power she can handle without overload and friction? We will make a formal request for that power.
I can assure you that when we have completed our assessment and have come to a determination of the power required by our eleven year old daughter? She will not be running around our house like the fucking ruler of the universe. What on earth were you thinking?
She is eleven, people.
In conclusion . . . please unplug whatever must be unplugged; flip whatever switches must be switched; and redirect whatever must be redirected.
Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.
Kris Wehrmeister
Accnt. #938-59348-5798-3476
P.S. An eleven year old girl should not have the power to make her mother cry. Please make a note in my account of my thoughts on this. I have a younger daughter named Kallan, and if she also makes me cry because of some future reckless power distribution on your part? I am coming down to your offices? And I am going to kick some ass.
I wish I could craft a witty, or uplifting reply. Alas, I cannot.
I could only think to offer you one of my crazy mixed drinks….I’m an absolute whiz with some frozen concentrate, malibu rum, and ice. I’ll make one for you now, and sail it across the river to be taken right before bed while watching either:
a. a sappy romance, where the delightfully oblivious couple have no fucking clue what they are in for years from now.
b. a raucous comedy where parents mis-use, harass, and humiliate their children in the most horrendous ways.
And you have every right in the world to hide in your office. She will miss you and see the error of her ways. No one can live without mom for any length of time at all.
Sorry I missed this comment last night!
What did you end up watching?
I would so have chosen the second movie.
Just so you know.
I did. Old Dogs. It was quite good :)
The drink was too. :)
YAY!
On both counts.
Ugh. My 5 yr old stepdaughter is already on this road. She thinks she’s queen and boss of the fucking universe. I’m so not looking forward to the infusion of a broader vocabulary & hormones. :|
However? I’m taking notes from people’s creative power reassertion techniques. I’m all cruel & mean like that. I get dual role of Mean Mommy AND Evil Stepmother….I need to make sure I can uphold my title.
Oh, & I’m going to need to switch from bottled wine to boxed wine. Bottles are not going to keep up with my stepdaughter’s need to rule the universe with her obnoxious chaos.
I’ll send you a box. Or maybe a nice big bottle of Patron. No hugs tho. There’s always boob conflict whenever I hug women & it’s awkward…
Boob conflict.
Giggle!
Still no hugging.
But now there is giggling.
Boob conflict.
Hee hee!
You are free to threaten to send her to live with us. After all? Maybe we are her real family. Probably not, as we are chronically late for stuff, sorta laissez-faire about danger and stuff, and ruthlessly unfair people.
Plus? My toilets need cleaning, and I have lots of Wagner on my iPod.
Love to you!
I just have to drop this large bulletin board on her so that she flattens out.
And then I will shove her, all Flat-Stanleyed, into a large envelope.
Watch for the UPS guy.
Flat Maj!
I shall prepare a pallet of rags on the floor in the basement. And a toothbrush. For the toilet.
So far?
Maj is resisting my efforts to two-dimensionalize her.
She read those books.
She is onto me.
i read this on my ipod last night and the damn thing wouldn’t let me comment.
so i’m back, today. just to say thank you. Because remember when i confessed to wanting a daughter?
i’m re-thinking that.
Snort!
It’s better to have all the facts before you make a decision.
Some of the facts?
Involve vulnerable tears.
So annoying.
I so wish I had read this yesterday, when I was all “who the fuck is this kid and where did he come from and how in the hell did he get so spoiled?” all evening…because:
1. I would realize I’m so not alone (not saying that Maj is spoiled)
and
2. This made me laugh hysterically, so I know it would have put me in a better mood. Sorry it had to be at your expense though.
The thought of you laughing hysterically?
Makes my pain worthwhile.
Seriously.
Love that.
Oh dear… What happened???
Hmm… I like to think that I control my daughters level of power – I made her, I control the level of power. Now, if she were to misuse said power like in your situation I would deflate, shut-off, blow-up, take away her power. You just need to figure out where or what the switch is. For me to her – raising my voice (because I rarely do it) and looking her straight in the eye and asking her impossible questions like: IS THIS THE RESPONSE YOU WERE HOPING FOR?? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO PUSH ME LIKE THAT?? And such… She cry’s and deflates. Sometimes we talk about it and move on and sometimes we just move on.
Seems like your feeling better at the end of theses comments!! Or your tipsy and don’t care anymore!! Either way – cheers and carry on with your rockin’ self!!
There was no tipsiness.
But once I share something?
I tend to move on quickly.
No point in dwelling on it.
I am once again?
My rocking self.
Thanks, you!
I think you’re taking the wrong strategy on this issue: you should suck up to her, because she’s either going to be president of the US or a robber baron. She also sounds as if you don’t start sucking up to her RIGHT NOW she won’t remember you or the other “little people” who she tramples on her way to the top. LOL
I am afraid it’s too late.
I am already trampled and flat.
And?
Maj is running for Student Council at her elementary school.
There are others who need flattening, apparently.
Kallan is all kinds of nervous.