Yesterday morning.
I step out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom.
I am naked, because otherwise? This would be a really stupid story.
“Hey, babe?”
Mark is getting dressed and he turns to me, “Yeah?”
“It is a good thing that all of my stalkers are of the on-line variety.”
“What?”
“It’s a good thing that all of my stalkers are of the on-line variety. Because if they were of the real-life variety? I would be giving them quite a show every single morning.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Every morning, you take a shower before I get up. And then every morning, you open that small frosted glass window in the bathroom. And every morning, I wonder if today will be the day that I say a naked hello to the neighbors.”
Mark laughs, “You know I hate that fan. It’s loud and annoying. Opening the window helps air the bathroom out. Clears the moisture.”
“Yeah, I get that. But opening the window? Boobs on view, babe. Just so you know.”
There is quiet for a moment as Mark considers this, “But then why don’t you just put some clothes on before you walk into the bathroom?”
“What? I never put clothes on to use the bathroom when I first get out of bed.”
“Yes, but since you know that the window is open every morning, why don’t you grab your robe or something?”
I am thoughtful, “Huh . . . that honestly never occurred to me.”
“Problem solved, then . . . right?”
“Yup. You are like a genius.”
Seriously? The clothing thing? Never occurred to me.
That’s weird, right?
OK, moving on.
Last night?
I had a dream.
And once again? Even though I know that not everyone is interested in my dreams? I am going to write about it and there is absolutely no way for you to stop me.
I do love blogging.
OK, so in my dream? I am a spider.
A big black shiny spider.
I know! How fucking cool is that?
OK, I am a spider and I am spinning my web. It’s a huge web, and it spans the width of our back yard. Long silky tendrils that are wound round and interlaced with branches and leaves and vines. Patterns of repetition and surprise and detail. It glistens in the early morning light. Sways slightly in the breeze.
It is an awesome web, and I am sitting in the middle.
Spiders do that.
They sit and wait for the world to come to them.
Except that in my dream? The world does come to me. And the world is armed with plastic straws and wadded up bits of fast-food wrappers. And my delicate web? Is shot through with a million holes . . . chunks of spit-wadded paper fly through the air and ruin my creation.
I fall this way and that way as links and connections are severed.
I am not frightened, but I am surprised.
I scurry (spiders scurry) to a corner and watch the destruction. Watch and wait until there is nothing left but a few glistening strands dangling in the air above me. Watch and wait until the sun casts shadows in the dew-dropped silence.
And then I begin again.
Stronger this time.
Strong enough to withstand assault.
In my dreams?
I am a stubborn and awesome spider.
And then I wake. I stretch and adjust to a new reality, one in which I have but four limbs. It’s not so bad. Although my remembered limbs are still in my mind as I reach for Mark.
But he’s already up and getting dressed.
Fine.
I roll out of bed and head to the bathroom.
I look out the window and see the lovely grassy expanse of our back yard, across which my dream-spider self wove her web. From that fence there, through the ivy, over to that tree there . . . I can feel the sticky threads at my fingertips.
I love that part of a dream, those lingering cobwebs that remain to confuse and alter your view of things even as you move into your day.
A lovely part of my day, there before the window.
I was supposed to put clothes on, wasn’t I?
Crap.
Hello, neighbor.
Just enjoying the view.
I used to be a spider, you know.
Spiders do not wear clothing.
Sigh.
I’ll have you know that I slip Mark a crisp twenty dollar bill exactly once a week to leave that little window open.
I like a little show with my breakfast.
I suspected as much.
Hi, neighbor!
Plus also?
Twenty dollars?
I am going to have to speak to Mark.
I am not getting my fair cut.
And sleeping with clothes?
Our brave soldiers died fighting the Nazis so that we wouldn’t have to sleep with clothes on.
And I don’t want to dishonor their memory by wearing jammies.
Exactly!
We are all patriotic.
Please refrain from making the saluting the flag joke.
If you can.
I will try.
But it’s so hard.
That’s what she said!
I crack myself up sometimes.
Wait…so, I take it you sleep naked? Because at first I was thinking that you walk around naked after you take your shower, which is totally appropriate since certain places need to dry completely before you cover them. But then I read that this is before the shower and I’m all intrigued.
Who sleeps with clothes on?
Seriously?
Not even.
My husband would bust if I slept naked. Currently, I sleep with more clothes on than I would like to, but since I get up at least four times in any given night to hush a crying baby in the next room, I would like to stay warm.
Even when there were crying babies?
No clothes.
A robe maybe, if it was chilly.
What is wrong with you people?
Well, now I am feeling all guilty about the spider webs I knocked down yesterday. Maybe there was a sad little spider watching all her glorious work get knocked down and she is right now rebuilding her web.
Of course, all those webs make it look like we live in a haunted house and I just can’t have that. Stupid naked spiders.
Hmmm… I did not mean for that to sound like I was calling your spider-dream-self stupid. Your spider-dream-self is all profound and strong. She rocks.
Yes, thank you for the apology.
Because I was about to mention?
My venomous nature.
Michelle?
Stop fucking around in my dreams!
My web was all awesome, and had to fall because of your housecleaning fetish?
Stop that!
I assume you lock the bedroom door to prevent freaking out kidlets who might barge in.
And if you are a spider? We can’t be friends anymore.
I hold a personal grudge against all spiders, for putting me on dialysis with one of their bites. Now? If I have a spider on me? I do the “Oh-My-God-There’s-A-Spider-On-Me-Get-It-Off-NOW!” dance and shriek combo. You should see it! It’s a real show-stopper.
Snicker!
I am naked, not cavorting like a lunatic.
Mostly.
The girls are not freaked out by my occasional nudity.
But yes, we have a lock on the door.
A lock we would have even if we were wearing clothing to bed, because . . .
Duh.
And you? You have a special dispensation to smack and kill all spiders in your path.
I will just endeavor to stay out of your way.
No worries – I’m sure your neighbor did not recognize the naked spider in your window. They probably think you have naked house guest.
Yes!
Thank you!
Stupid exhibitionist house-guests!
That’s the ticket!
First of all…you were a spider? Like seriously, what could that mean? I have never had a dream where i was something other than a human. My mom had a dream where she was a dog eating a giant cake, however, that cake was my dad’s arm that she had in her mouth. I am so not lying on that one.
anyway…there is no naked sleeping in my house. a.) I am always freezing cold; b.) I would have to fight off my hubby every single night and I don’t have the strength for that…though maybe I could get in shape by doing so, and c.) I am up too many times a night to be running around naked.
But you…you carry on with your bad naked self. ;-)
In my mind?
I am quite clear what the spider and the web mean.
I can’t share everything.
I have boundaries.
SNORT!
And in answer to the points you raised . . .
a) I also get cold, but there are blankets and snuggling.
b) What exactly are you fending off?
c) There is nothing about nudity that prevents running around.
And now?
I am off to carry on with my bad naked self.
I sleep topless and always wonder if the neighbors are video taping me (I’m paranoid I know) so I always give the girls a little jiggle just in case.
I am all giggly!
And? I love you.
Give the girls a little jiggle just in case.
That is fucking awesome.
I would like to comment and say something profound but I’m too busy snickering loudly/trying not to pee my pants.
That is a lovely dampish comment!
I will take it!
Okay now that I’m on my computer if it will cooperate I can comment…
We sleep naked at my house. And once when my mom visited I forgot about us sleeping naked and Oscar woke up screaming in the middle of the night and I scared the crap out of my mom because, well, I ran out of my room to get him. And apparently she had the same idea. Yeah she stopped trying to help me at night time. And I tried to remember my robe. It’s just easier to sleep naked. Plus sometimes I think my shirts try to strangle me at night when I wear them to bed.
Bedtime clothing?
Always tries to strangle me.
As for the naked sleeping?
Over the years?
There have been a few unexpected shows.
No big deal.
For me, at least.
Snort!
“Dream spiders and spider dreams – In African fables, spiders are depicted and characterized as devious and tricky. Even in modern western society we associate spiders with trickery
(come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly. Our web of deceit. The tangled webs we weave).
This is most likely because spiders lure and ensnare their prey. If you are dreaming about spiders, there is a possibility that your dream is warning you that you may be tangled up in a web of deceit. Take a good look at those around you, especially those in whom you have put your trust.”
so what does it mean if you ARE the spider? hmmmm
As I mentioned elsewhere?
I know exactly what the dream means.
And why I am a spinning spider.
I like spiders…the hubby not so much. To each their own. And Kris, you are just asking for trouble advertising that free boob show!
And OMG KMama…I love your Mom! That is the funniest shizzle ever! Eating your Dad’s arm??? Man I would tell that story to everyone :)
OK, but guess what?
In a stunning turn of events? It turns out that the window has the ability to open from the top!
YAY!
Mark is a genius, I tell you. A belated genius, but a genius.
As for asking for trouble . . . do you not know me at all?
Geez.
Plus also?
What the fuck is shizzle?
I have been meaning to ask.
I know!!! It was shortly after they were married. I left out the part about my mom growling and shaking her head back and forth. I’m totally cracking up thinking about it. I give my dad major credit for sticking around. :-)
Growling and shaking?
I am dying over here!
Spider dreams must have some sort of symbolism. Maybe it’s something powerful female sexy-like. Regardless, you WILL conquer and gain- and the world will open up to your nakedness. I do not know what I am saying.
The world will open up to my nakedness?
How awesome would that be?
Snort!
I would count that dream as a nightmare in my book, as I would probably have been afraid of myself. Also? I feel like I have spider webs on me.
Well, you?
Have completely missed the point.
It was an awesome dream!
I always sorta figured they put pj’s in the “Loungewear” section of the stores for a reason. The jammies? They’re for lounging. Not sleeping. That’s just silly.
Love the image of you as badass, black, shiny, strong-willed spider. Love.
Last night, I dreamt of falling and skinning the same knee over and over again. Move over, Dr. Jung. I got this one.
I adore you, naked-sleeping dream-stumbling one.
Adore you.
I’d like to leave some sort of profound comment here, or at the very least funny but I’m in the midst of all four of my children. The youngest keeps calling the oldest “poop tard” and the second oldest is giving the second youngest shit for drooling. Which he should not be because’s he’s six.
I wish I was a naked spider right now. I think life must be quiet for spiders, clothed or not.
Oh my god!
How much of a mom are you?
That you take away from this story a wish for peace and quiet.
Such a mom.
I love you.