Yesterday morning.
I step out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom.
I am naked, because otherwise? This would be a really stupid story.
“Hey, babe?”
Mark is getting dressed and he turns to me, “Yeah?”
“It is a good thing that all of my stalkers are of the on-line variety.”
“What?”
“It’s a good thing that all of my stalkers are of the on-line variety. Because if they were of the real-life variety? I would be giving them quite a show every single morning.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Every morning, you take a shower before I get up. And then every morning, you open that small frosted glass window in the bathroom. And every morning, I wonder if today will be the day that I say a naked hello to the neighbors.”
Mark laughs, “You know I hate that fan. It’s loud and annoying. Opening the window helps air the bathroom out. Clears the moisture.”
“Yeah, I get that. But opening the window? Boobs on view, babe. Just so you know.”
There is quiet for a moment as Mark considers this, “But then why don’t you just put some clothes on before you walk into the bathroom?”
“What? I never put clothes on to use the bathroom when I first get out of bed.”
“Yes, but since you know that the window is open every morning, why don’t you grab your robe or something?”
I am thoughtful, “Huh . . . that honestly never occurred to me.”
“Problem solved, then . . . right?”
“Yup. You are like a genius.”
Seriously? The clothing thing? Never occurred to me.
That’s weird, right?
OK, moving on.
Last night?
I had a dream.
And once again? Even though I know that not everyone is interested in my dreams? I am going to write about it and there is absolutely no way for you to stop me.
I do love blogging.
OK, so in my dream? I am a spider.
A big black shiny spider.
I know! How fucking cool is that?
OK, I am a spider and I am spinning my web. It’s a huge web, and it spans the width of our back yard. Long silky tendrils that are wound round and interlaced with branches and leaves and vines. Patterns of repetition and surprise and detail. It glistens in the early morning light. Sways slightly in the breeze.
It is an awesome web, and I am sitting in the middle.
Spiders do that.
They sit and wait for the world to come to them.
Except that in my dream? The world does come to me. And the world is armed with plastic straws and wadded up bits of fast-food wrappers. And my delicate web? Is shot through with a million holes . . . chunks of spit-wadded paper fly through the air and ruin my creation.
I fall this way and that way as links and connections are severed.
I am not frightened, but I am surprised.
I scurry (spiders scurry) to a corner and watch the destruction. Watch and wait until there is nothing left but a few glistening strands dangling in the air above me. Watch and wait until the sun casts shadows in the dew-dropped silence.
And then I begin again.
Stronger this time.
Strong enough to withstand assault.
In my dreams?
I am a stubborn and awesome spider.
And then I wake. I stretch and adjust to a new reality, one in which I have but four limbs. It’s not so bad. Although my remembered limbs are still in my mind as I reach for Mark.
But he’s already up and getting dressed.
Fine.
I roll out of bed and head to the bathroom.
I look out the window and see the lovely grassy expanse of our back yard, across which my dream-spider self wove her web. From that fence there, through the ivy, over to that tree there . . . I can feel the sticky threads at my fingertips.
I love that part of a dream, those lingering cobwebs that remain to confuse and alter your view of things even as you move into your day.
A lovely part of my day, there before the window.
I was supposed to put clothes on, wasn’t I?
Crap.
Hello, neighbor.
Just enjoying the view.
I used to be a spider, you know.
Spiders do not wear clothing.
Sigh.
…It’s a real fancy way of saying “shit”! Makes me sound more smart like ;)
Personally?
I am a big fan of regular old shit.
Snort.
Huh…I wrote about spinning webs yesterday.
Must be something in the air.
Hold on. Let me check.
You did!
And awesomely, too.
I can tell you that in the air at our house? A million airborne spiders have taken flight in the last week or so, and they are weaving these enormous tree-connecting webs all over our yard, our neighborhood, and our life. So yes, there is something in the air.
Spiders.
I will head over to comment in a minute.
Emailed you, babe.
Yes, indeed you did…fretty woman.
Brilliance. In the air. From WIne Country all the way up to Portland.
Thank you.
We will be spiders together, then.
Clothes are so over rated. Shouldn’t have to put them on at home.
Yes, except I am a way sloppy eater.
I wouldn’t want to burn myself while eating soup.
Hmm, in what order…
Spiders… I may love you, but I hate spiders. Truly I should be jailed, but I hate them. Every last one.
Clothes in bed? That never occurred to me. Putting one on to walk into the bathroom also seems beyond my reasoning.
I do own 3 robes however, but I don’t use them. They hang on their hooks like room decoration. Some silky, some fluffy, one very old. But I don’t wear them.
Now that my teenager has his teenagers over to the house all the time those tall, gangly-limbed teenage boys sprawled all over my couch, the floor, the bean bag chair. They are everywhere. Like the spiders. I want to squash them in the morning. I want to flick them off my shoe’s and into the yard so I can once again roam free down my hallway to my bathroom, in my nakedness.
You and I have much in common.
Except for those teenager spiders.
It sounds as though you have a nasty infestation.
You deserve time in the house alone to roam naked.
A pesticide of some sort, perhaps?
I didn’t go grocery shopping for a week. The lack of microwaveable food seemed to clear up the infestation for a short while. :)
You are so so smart.
Nakedness is awesome! Everything needs to be free move about at will!!
Also, have you seen those big spiders that spin a huge web then sit out in the middle and when they felt threatened they would start bouncing??? I love those spiders, I used to see them all the time when I was a kid and I lived in Seaside, OR in the blackberry bushes – they scared the be-jesus outta me but I loved them!!
I could definitely see you as a big, black, shiny spider scurrying about your web all venomous with your bad ass naked-booby-showing-off self!!! Hmm… spiders have boobs, right?? Well, it’s a dream so….. Yes, yes they do!!
I’ve been to Seaside! okay, that was all I had to contribute to your comment. :D
We have those spiders here!
I love them! I don’t know what they are called, but I love them!
And you? With your visions of me?
I am all aswoon.
Love you.
your dreams are WAY cooler than my dreams!
Not all the time.
But I have my dreamy moments.
You could hang a curtain on the bathroom window. Then you don’t have to put clothes on and no show for the neighbor or Nigel. At least until Mark gives you your cut.
I mentioned somewhere in here?
That it turns out that the window can be opened from the top down!
Who knew!
Although, a curtain?
Is also a brilliant plan!
I am not quite the problem-solver I like to think, perhaps.
Or maybe it wasn’t really that big a problem for me.
Ahem.
My ears were burning.
Was someone talking about me?
You are all-seeing!
I like that in a stalker.
What is WITH all of the shock and disbelief to the nude sleeping? It makes for a happy, well connected marriage.
Mark is was more lax about your public display of nakedness than my husband. We don’t have blinds on our bedroom windows, and people get a full visual if the lights are on and I’m standing up. Since we live off of a busy street, there’s definitely a few different versions of head lights going on. He insists that I cover up, but really? If you insist on peeking into someone’s windows, you should be prepared for what may appear. If this isn’t cool, then keep your eyes to yourself.
And the creeps who want a show? They’re so not standing outside MY house. They’re over camping in Angelina’s backyard with binoculars.
If you insist on peeking into someone’s windows, you should be prepared for what may appear. If this isn’t cool, then keep your eyes to yourself.
Exactly.
And wait . . . who is Angelina?
I figured you slept naked since you’re all sex-crazed and what not.
So were you a shiny spider like glitter bc that would be sparkly or shiny like patent leather?
How has no one thought to ask this before now?
I was all patent leather.
And I am not sex-crazed.
I am sex-appreciative.
In the extreme.
Ahem.
So you were a badass patent leather shining spider, like cat woman in that one Batman movie, except you were spider woman/girl/lady/awesomeness.
YES!
Exactly like that!
I can’t sleep naked. I am all worried about middle of the night emergencies. and then there I would be. all naked. or burglars. i don’t want them to see me naked either.
Reason #618 why I don’t walk around nekkid…the neighbors could be checking me out or Reason #619 – there could be an earthquake. I’m in So Cal and it’s a totally reasonable arguement!
The nieghbors?
Eh . . . who cares?
And an earthquake?
Really? That’s what you are worried about?
Your naked safety?
Eh . . . not so much.
So, I’m all jealous of your dreams now. Add it to the damn list. That one is badassery right there. Aside from the spitwads and your creation being dismantled…
DUDE!
You got to be an m-f-ing spider. A shiny black one at that! I dream that evil things are lurking around my bed watching me. If only I could be a spider, just once, I would kick me some evil ass.
Seriously? There are people who DON’T sleep nekkid? That’s messed up, yo.
Torque would like this post.
Since he likes spiders and all.
He is now denying he likes spiders.
Hmmph.
This post would be perfect for him!