Secret screaming

I am standing in the kitchen, finishing up the breakfast dishes.

From behind me, I hear a bump bump bump bump . . . something small is falling down the stairs.

Followed by stomping feet and whispered conversation.

First an urgent Maj, “Don’t tell Mom you dropped your lollipop down the stairs.  She won’t let you eat it if she knows it rolled all sticky down the stairs.”

And then a puzzled Kallan, “What?  Three-second rule, Maj!  I picked it right up!  Soon as I rinse off the dog fur?  Good as new.”

“But don’t you think Mom’s going to be mad that you dropped your sticky candy in the house?  We’re supposed to be careful.”

“OK, you’re right.  Thanks, Maj!”

And then two sisters come around the corner and into the kitchen.  Kallan slinks past me with her hands cupped in secrecy, and Maj . . .

Maj says, “In case you were wondering?  Kallan dropped her lollipop down the stairs, and made little sticky prints on the stairs, probably.  Plus, she is planning on rinsing it off and then eating it again, which is just so disgusting I can’t even believe it.  You need to speak with her, Mother.”

Kallan is so stunned she doesn’t have words.

So I use mine, “Maj, that was just mean.  I heard you guys.  You can’t tell your sister you’re going to help her keep a secret and then tell on her.  You need to apologize and then go clean your room for a bit.”

I help Kallan rinse off the dog-fur lollipop as Maj sputters behind me, “Don’t you want to know what’s going on in this house, Mother?  Do you want to be all clueless?”

I turn, “If you and your sister agree to keep a secret and no one’s getting hurt?  You need to be a good sister, Maj.”

Maj stomps off, “I cannot even believe that I am in trouble for telling the truth.  You have got to be kidding me.”

I call after her, “You are not in trouble for telling the truth!  You are in trouble for betraying your sister’s trust!  So there!”

Maj continues to make snorting sounds of incredulity as she angrily straightens her room, “You would think that I would be the good sister, because I let you know what’s going on around here, but nooooo. Here I am, all in trouble, while your sweet little angel daughter eats her candy.  I’m sure this makes perfect sense, but I must be stupid because I do not see the sense.  PERHAPS YOU COULD EXPLAIN IT TO ME, MOTHER?”

I yell back, “I have already explained all that needs to be explained, Maj.  The rest?  Is a secret.”

Kallan giggles, “Good one, Mom!”

I help rinse off Kallan’s lollipop.  She reaches for it with outstretched hands.

I hand her the candy and take her hands . . . examine them.

They are covered with dark spots of tree sap.

Such familiar little dirty hands.

When I was 10, I remember climbing high into the pine trees that lined the one side of our yard.  Far higher than our rooftop, as high as I could climb.  So high that the branches bent beneath my weight and threatened to snap.

But didn’t.

A perfect balance.

With my heavy burdens and secrets.

Poised in a place where no more weight could settle.

For hours.

Sigh.

With those same dirty tree-sapped hands.

I am good at secrets.

I remember another time of secrets.  More lovely.

Mark and I are sitting across the table from our girls at dinnertime.  Maj is about 4 and Kallan is 2.  They are both giggling.

Maj has learned about telling secrets at preschool, and she wants to show her sister how they work.

Except Maj has misunderstood the concept a bit.

Maj carefully curves her hands around her mouth to deliver her message.  She brings her mouth and hands close to Kallan’s face and whispers the secret . . . into Kallan’s eyeball.

Kallan is delighted!  She cups her own chubby hands and whispers her own secret . . . into Maj’s eyeball.

The secrets?  Get progressively louder and louder.  It is difficult to hear things whispered into your eyeball.

Mark and I are laughing so hard we cannot speak.  So we don’t.  We just sit and watch and listen as the girls tell secrets.

I love you, Kallie!

I love you, Maj!

The best secrets ever.

Screamed into an eyeball.

Snort.