Slobber-filled view

Mark woke this morning determined that we were going to take a road trip.  Go touch some nature.  Walk in some water.  Throw some rocks.  Climb some hills and enjoy the view.  Drive.

Mark was all cheerful.

The rest of us stared at him crankily.  We did not feel inclined to touch nature.  We did not feel inclined to get up off of the couch.

But Mark can be bossy.  So we roused ourselves.

Nature . . . yay!

Sigh.

We decide to take the smaller stupid dog along with us.  Jack the Terrier.

Actually?  I decide to take the smaller stupid dog along with us.  I figure if Mark is going to force me to spend my day in the car?  I will bring along a little entertainment of the “driving my husband crazy” sort.

What can I say?  I am slightly passive-aggressive that way.

So we all climb into the car, and within 10 seconds?  Jack has found an abandoned piece of gum that Kallan had wrapped up in a tissue.  He rips it apart and gets the still sticky gum stuck to both of his front paws.  He is hysterical with joy, the girls are screaming, I am trying to catch the bounding gum-footed dog, and gum strings are being trailed all over the back of the minivan.

I told you that dog was fun.

We’re not even out of the driveway and Mark is annoyed.

Yay!

Ahem.

So Mark pulls out of the driveway, but not before carefully placing his Guidebook to Oregon, his iPhone, his wallet, and his glasses in the center console.

And then he says to me, “Keep the dog out of my stuff, OK?”

“Sure, babe.”

I pick as much gum as I can off of the squirming kicking dog and release him.  Jack immediately dives to the ground and scoots beneath the center console.  He hits the release latch with his body as he goes, causing the center console to fall down and sideways to make an aisle between our front seats.   All of Mark’s possessions spill to the floor.

Snort!

Love that dog!

I pick up Mark’s belongings and promise that I will keep a closer eye on the dog.

We’re off!

And then Mark says, “We should probably get the oil changed first.”

Are . . . you . . . fucking . . . kidding . . . me?

So off to the oil-change place we go.

Sigh.

We decide, because we are on our way to touch nature?  That we have built up momentum, baby!  We will just sit in the car as they change the oil.  Don’t want to mess with our momentum!  We are on our way to touch nature!

Yay!

And then there is screaming of the Maj-ish sort as she realizes that Daddy is indeed going to drive the car over an enormous pit while SHE IS IN THE CAR!

The employees?

Think Maj is hilarious.

In the car?  Our ears are ringing.

Yay!

Part of the oil-change package involves the cleaning of all the exterior windows.

Have I mentioned before that Jack the terrier has issues with cleaning products?  And by issues, I mean he attacks like a demon from hell if he sees a spray bottle of any sort?

And squeegees?  Squeegees are his mortal enemy.

So as the nice man starts to spray our front windshield?  Jack goes completely fucking insane.  He throws himself up onto the front dashboard in a frenzy of slobbering terrier rage and tries to eat his way through the glass to the spray bottle on the other side.  He tracks and attacks the swipes of the squeegee with head-smashing thuds of small-dog stupidity and determination.

So now our front windshield is clean.  On the outside.

The inside?  Is coated in slimy dog spit.

And the man cleaning our windows?  Is laughing so hard he is having trouble pressing down with the squeegee.  He calls to the other employees so they can see the show.

In the car?  We are all laughing hysterically.

As the rest of the windows are cleaned?  I hold Jack by his harness as he flips and snarls and lunges in the air.  Such a stupid fucking dog.

So funny.

And then the windows are done.  And Jack bounces on my lap . . . this is like the best dog park ever!  He is so happy.

They finish changing the oil.

And one of the employees asks if we would like to have the interior of our car vacuumed.

The only thing in this world Jack hates more than spray bottles and squeegees?

Is the vacuum.

So . . . no.  No vacuuming for us.

Just the thought of Jack hanging from the huge vacuum, all ripping and vicious and filled with murderous terrier rage?

Has us all giggling.

So we drive away with dirty carpets, a slobber-filled view, and brand new oil.

We’re on our way, now!

We’ve got momentum, baby!

Yay!

Plus also?

Mark is like a genius.  Turns out that touching nature?  Walking in some water?  Throwing some rocks?  Climbing some hills and enjoying the view?

Was exactly what we needed.

Yes, Mark is all geniusy.

Although I did think to bring the dog.

Snort!