OK, this doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, but when this sort of thing happens?
I just love life so much.
So I am going to share my love of life with you.
The other night, Mark and I are both at our computers. I am on Twitter and chatting with people and drinking a beer. Answering some emails, reading stuff.
Multitasking!
I don’t have any idea what the fuck Mark is doing, but he’s hard at work on his computer. And then he says . . .
“Hey, babe? How do you spell your anus?”
And without missing a beat? I turn to him and I say . . .
“You know damn well my anus is named Julie. J-U-L-I-E.”
And then I fall out of my chair giggling like a maniac.
Of course he means the planet.
But I am hysterical.
Tears streaming down my face.
Mark is all flustered.
I am all kinds of immature. Things like that make me very very happy.
A while back, something else made me very happy.
I am at the library. I pull a bunch of books off of the New Releases shelf and then sit down to wait for the girls to make their selections. Since having children? I am much less discriminating in my reading . . .
Here are my two requirements:
1) The book must not involve vampires unless it is written by Christopher Moore.
I hate stories about vampires. And if you are one of those women who goes all gaga for the vampire romance shit? I think less of you now. Twilight? Not fucking even.
But Christopher Moore? Swoon.
2) The book must be sitting on the New Releases shelf available for check-out.
By the way? When a book is sitting on the shelf as though I might check it out, but has one of those I’m On Hold! slips of paper tucked within its front cover? That annoys the shit out of me. Not only may I not check out this book, but I am now also confronted with the knowledge that other people are way more organized than I am.
Putting shit on hold . . . who fucking does that? So annoying.
OK, so I am sitting with my random assortment of available new releases that do not involve vampires.
And then I remember that a friend suggested that I seek out David Sedaris on audio.
A note here: I hate audio-books. I hate listening to someone read to me. The spoken word is just so slow . . . I can’t stand it!
But I trust this friend, and he says David Sedaris is an awesome reader. And I love David Sedaris. So what the hell . . . I have a minute here. I’ll go take a look.
I have no idea where in the library they might keep the audio-books, so I head to the computer to type in a search. Remember when everything was filed in a huge card catalog? I miss those little rectangular manilla pieces of paper and all of the drawers to open and shut.
But this is faster.
I sit down, and I am about to click the mouse on AUTHOR so that I can enter Mr. Sedaris’ name, when I see that the previous search is still up on the screen.
Not an AUTHOR search, but a search by SUBJECT.
And typed into the lengthy subject box?
Are these words . . .
How to be a FUCKING ADULT in a relationship.
I just sit and stare at the computer for a moment.
That is just so awesome.
But what really kills me?
Below the search, the computer has listed the library items which might help to further explicate the matter that is being investigated.
Total number of items found for this search: ZERO
Snort!
Stuff like that?
Makes me very happy.
Our library had only one Sedaris audio offering . . . Live at Carnegie Hall.
I checked it out and then returned it without listening to it.
I love Sedaris.
I hate when someone reads to me.
Better not to be disappointed.
Avoid the risk of disappointment whenever possible!
That’s my motto.
I am all FUCKING ADULT that way.
Plus also?
My anus is named Julie . . . J-U-L-I-E.
Hysterical giggling, people.
Snort!
I am way immature.
Guess what, people?
I am heading out to see a movie. Real life, people!
I will be back later.
Leave me a comment.
Why?
Because I said so, that’s why.
Just fucking do it.
I am so tired of having to explain everything.
Snort.
Love you.
Back in a bit to have all the last words.
When you return…we need to know what movie and a full review. K, thanks ; )
OK, we went to see The American with George Clooney.
Here is my three word review:
It . . . sucked . . . bad.
I have a rule when it comes to reading books as well. It cannot be set in modern day. That’s it. Weird, I know, but I can’t stand reading about anything that’s happening right now. 20+ years ago? You’ve got yourself a deal.
I have no setting restrictions of time or space on the books I read.
But if vampires are lurking about looking all fangish and effeminate?
Not fucking even.
Where the hell did Julie come from??? I’m laughing so hard.
I’m also way immature like that.
It just popped into my head.
I do know someone named Julie, but she is in no way connected to my ass.
Sorry, Julie.
And now?
I am giggling hysterically again.
Next time David Sedaris gives me chocolate chip cookies at a reading, I will tell him that you are too snobby to want to listen to him reading.
And then I’m going to eat your fucking cookie.
Wait…I want the cookie!
That is my cookie.
Hands off.
Sigh.
Sorry.
I tried.
I do like cookies.
Damn.
3 things:
1. Highly educated, incredibly intelligent Mark didn’t know how to spell “Uranus”
2. So that’s why mom’s stay home…to go to the movies during the day!! I must try this. Too bad I’ll be working my life away for about….oh forever.
3. Sounds like someone at the library needs to come here to Pretty All True…. I bet they could learn how to be an adult really quick….or maybe not.
Your points, one at a time . . .
1) Mark is smart as hell, but he can’t spell for shit.
2) I cannot even remember the last time I went to the movies, so shut the hell up about how you are working harder than I am.
3) Not just an adult, but a FUCKING ADULT . . . and yes, I give lessons in FUCKING ADULT here on Pretty All True.
OK, the movie popcorn has made me silly, because the fact that Mark couldn’t spell Uranus and now I have said that he can’t spell for shit?
I am weak with laughter. Oh my god.
I am dying.
Oh, I was definitely saying that I work harder than you b/9 I so don’t. Or wasn’t. Today, I made a powerpoint presentation that took 2 hours and that was it. Seriously the other 6 hours I went shopping, ate chocolate cookies, and sat around. Seriously, I did NOTHING today.
How thrilled am I that you felt the need to come back and explain yourself?
Snorty giggles over here.
Here’s pretty much the sum total of my accomplishments today . . .
Went to the movies.
Ate popcorn.
Ate cookies.
Giggled a lot.
YAY!
I fucking love david sedrais! I hate audio books too, but when he reads his work…its just magic.
Whats really funny is that I was just thinking how much your work reminds me of him.
magic
I also love David Sedaris, but I don’t want my love for him to be ruined by his voice.
You know how you form an impression of someone before you meet that person, and you have an expectation of how that voice will sound?
Sometimes, your expectations are met or exceeded, but mostly?
Not.
My impression of seders came from hearing him on NPR so when I read him I hear his voice anyway.
And still . . . all these months later?
I have not yet listened to a single book on tape.
Not even Sedaris.
Shhhh.
Me
I just have SO MUCH to comment!
1. I have to ask – was “Julie” named for the purposes of that joke, or has she been a long-term member of your household?
2. I want to ask more about Julie, but will refrain.
3. That’s ’cause I pretend to be classy.
4. I was at the library the other day too! This is momentous, as I never go to the library. But then one of my classes has a library assignment. I was forced.
5. Libraries suck. I can never find anything, and all the computers and taken by high school students checking Facebook.
6. And every single one of the childrens’ computers is open. But if you try and use one, then a librarian will yell at you.
7. Childrens’ computers at libraries are some serious shit, I kid you not.
8. David Sedaris is the best reader of his works of any author. Ever.
9. The worst? Have you ever listened to A Wrinkle in Time? ‘Cause that author has a lisp.
10. Not that I discriminate against people with speech issues. I have a weird accent. But that’s why, when I write my autobiographical tale of those years spent being a unicorn slave trader, I’m going to get David Sedaris to read the audio book.
11. Don’t worry, I won’t get caught. I’m too smart for that.
12. I completely sympathize with your time issues though – I never listen to podcasts. Not even the Savage Lovecast, which I love with my whole heart.
13. The only real opportunity is while driving, and I just can’t cut into my music time.
14. A girl can’t get by without a little banjo jazz to brighten her day.
Oh my goodness, how much do I love you today?
Let’s see . . .
1) My anus has been with me for a very long time, but she was only named for the purposes of flustering Mark.
2) Julie, as she is now known, is lovely.
3) I see you.
4) I go to the library every week. I read a lot, when I am not obsessed with internet things. So lately? I read slightly less.
5) Libraries do not suck. I love libraries. That is all.
6) I am short, and I am occasionally able to use the children’s computers without being yelled at by librarians or children. Although if Maj spots me? She tells on me.
7) Agreed.
8) Really? Sigh. I should have listened, then.
9) I never listen to any audio-books. Not ever.
10) What sort of weird accent? And unicorn slaves? What would they even be good for? Impaling things . . . that’s about it.
11) I know that you are all kinds of smart. Don’t let Maj in on your plans, as she is all rat-finky.
12) Yes, my apologies to everyone out there who wants me to click a video link (especially if it is a vlog of any sort). I will not be clicking those links. Not fucking even. In related news? STOP FUCKING VLOGGING, PEOPLE. It’s stupid and a time-sucker and I do not care if your baby can roll over. Well, I care a little bit, but not enough to watch 12 minutes of video before hitting the sweet spot of baby success 12 minutes and 34 seconds in. Not fucking even.
Sorry . . . that last bit was not actually directed at you, Megan.
13) Music in the car. Only music. I have more than enough talking in my life.
14) I don’t even know you . . . banjo jazz???
Sigh.
Are you suggesting that you don’t love me with your whole heart every day?
‘Cause that’s clearly not true.
I’m very lovable.
My unicorns told me so.
I love you every day.
From afar.
And sometimes from closer.
Leave the shades up a bit, would you?
Yes, like that.
David Sedaris is AWESOME. His audio books got me through a bout of pneumonia when I was too exhausted to read and didn’t have the energy to watch TV. I just laid in bed and laughed my ass off until I had coughing fits, then went back to hear what I missed. Classic stuff, highly recommended.
And still, all these many months later?
I have not yet listened to Sedaris.
Maybe if I get pneumonia.
Making a note.
Yes! A Wrinkle in Time (read by the author) is the WORST audio book in existence…she totally misses the delivery..leaving you to wonder how she wrote the book in the first place.
I was never going to listen to this audio-book.
But now?
I am making a special note to avoid it.
Julie? Really? REALLY??
Who the hell names their anus Julie. That is SO PEDESTRIAN.
Jaqueline, maybe. Or Sasha.
Julie. So not even.
Also, I know now what niche to fill for my happening-any-moment now career as a writer.
I could write that book. It’d be full of really short chapters.
Because people who are not fucking adults in a relationship need things explained to them in short, concise presentations.
Then again, people who are not fucking adults in a relationship may need therapy or prison time. Because if you’re not fucking adults, what are you fucking?
I agree with you about Julie.
But Sasha? Please no. We have a black lab is named Sasha. She’s all cuddly and lovable. Anuses, not so much. I don’t think. :-)
Of course, I don’t have a name for my anus….makes me wonder what I’m missing. O_O
We have a lab named Persie.
A dog the smaller neighborhood children insist on calling PUSSY in their little lispy voices.
I cannot have my anus named PUSSY.
That would be all kinds of confusing.
Snort!
Lori –
Pedestrian? I think not. Julie is a can-do kind of gal. All practical and making shit happen. Julie is the perfect name.
Plus also? I am giggling a lot.
People who are not fucking adults? Are possibly fucking unicorn slaves. Or being impaled by them. I must check with Megan on the details.
Edits to previous comment:
5. “and” should be “are”
Okay, all the other edits would be too intense to write down, so I guess I should edit the first sentence to have edits be singular.
But I won’t.
That you have come back to leave a comment editing your previous comment?
Please refer to my answer to #3 above.
I see you.
I’m going to pretend that by “see” you mean “are watching you through your window right now, while being totally envious of how you pull off the blanket-and-laptop look.”
What can I say? A girl appreciates being stalked.
That’s normal.
No, really.
Okay, maybe not.
OK, before I just meant that I see you.
But now?
Peering in your windows, babe.
Just . . . you . . . wait.
Will have to remember that anus thing for an inappropriate time that my kids will be around, talking all astronomy and whatnot.
Also, thank you for publicly stating your position on Twilight. I’m right there with you. And when my college roommate called to tell me to read it — a woman I adore, love, admire and adore — I died a little inside.
I’m home today too, but instead of a movie I’m going to go into the kitchen and graze. Because I can, because no one is around to tell me no.
Every single time a friend of mine swoons over the Twilight books or TV show or movie?
Every time . . . I think a little less of that person.
Sigh.
It’s difficult being all judgmental when I don’t have that many friends to start.
And grazing freely in the kitchen?
Love that.
I have cookies to hunt down here in a minute.
Mint Milanos.
I didn’t get them from Nigel, but they are still delicious.
Also? What’s that literary quote thing-y widget-y guy you’ve got going in the left sidebar? I love it very much.
Really?
I’m over it.
I put a bunch of quotes in it, but now I don’t update it much.
I don’t even see it any more.
David Sedaris can read! it’s true, he’s the best. oh, now i want to run right out and get one of his audiobooks to listen to in the car. thanks!
even though i don’t much like listening to audiobooks, either.
whole other genre, but i’ve been told it is heaven to hear E.B. White read his books. i am thinking of trying one out. because as you know i am big fan.
and i cannot even wait to hear what movie you saw! it better be a good one.
jesus, you are not here to respond.
and so i am all obsessively responding to myself now.
maybe i have a problem?
i am so not interested in the vampire stuff, either.
i wanted to befriend a mom with a kid my age, who is a friend of a friend.
it would be great. i think.
but then she posted to FB about her twilight obsession. fuck me.
and you wonder why i don’t have any friends with children in real life.
i will say, however, that although i never read anne rice’s vampire chronicles,
the movie interview with the vampire was terrific!!
are you with me?? homoerotic craziness! love, love love. love.
that’s why i love tom cruise, even though he is a nut. sexy sexy sexy!
please come back so i can stop ranting to myself.
you know i mean a mom with a kid my kid’s age, right?
because it would be so strange to befriend a mom of someone my own age
so that i could get to know what 40-something child.
i need help!
Marian of the many comments . . .
We are parting ways here a bit. It had to happen sooner or later.
Anne Rice sucks.
All vampire material that is not written by Christopher Moore sucks.
Tom Cruise sucks (I cannot believe I have to tell you this).
Facebook sucks.
BUT?
And this will save us, I believe . . .
Homo-eroticism.
That fucking rules.
But leave Tom Cruise out of it.
Ick.
i care not for anne rice and will not defend her.
but that movie was a paean to homoeroticism!
including a giant crazy blasting to heaven orgasm scene between tom cruise and brad pitt.
fucking incredible!
somebody back me up here.
ha! back me up, julie.
Uh oh . . . the gap between us widens.
Tom Cruise? Ick.
Brad Pitt? Double ick.
Also?
I did not actually see that movie.
Because . . . of all the ick.
Hee hee!
Just noticed the request for Julie to back you up.
Snort!
Sadly?
Julie is all tight with disapproval and rejection at the moment.
I was going to work the word “puckered” in there, but that seemed too much.
How much do I love this blogging thing?
Oh my god.
get over it. whether you like them or not,
they are AWESOME as lovers! awesome.
whew.
Hmmmm . . . maybe I could just fast-forward to that scene.
So there with you on the Twilight thing, too. Ugh. I can read me some Charlaine Harris and her Sookie Stackhouse books. She doesn’t take anything too seriously. I refuse to watch True Blood, though ’cause I know the show will be all different and messed up and I hate that. Seriously.
Ok, so what I WANTED to share with you is that I, too, miss the old fashioned card catalog. You had to use common sense and it took a little effort to find stuff. You at least had to know your alphabet. At the Los Angeles public library, they have these glass elevators. The whole elevator shaft (heh, heh, I said “shaft”) is wallpapered in the old card catalog cards. Zillions of the little things rush by as you go up and down the floors. Great fun. But a little sad when you have to explain to your children what those funny cards are for.
When I was home-schooling the girls, I wanted to teach them how to do research at the library. I quickly discovered that all of my skills were antiquated.
Card catalog?
Guide to Periodicals Index?
Encyclopedias?
Atlases?
The girls were incredulous.
And with speedy tappity fingers they showed me how everything could be found on the computer in a matter of seconds.
Sigh.
I do miss the old days.
I am old.
Sigh.
I put a book on hold once. Because my friend told me to read it and I was on the computer so I figured I would get it transferred to the library closest to me. And then…I totally forgot about it. I never picked up that book.
I also hate books on cd. My mom listens to them on car trips and they make me car sick. Worse then reading a book while riding in a car. It gives me a headache to hear anyone read out loud. Always has, even when learning to read in school I hated hearing people read out loud.
I read the Twilight series because my sister told me to. I did not fall in love with the characters. The only vampire books I liked were Anne Rice. When I worked the graveyard shift at a gas station I read my hometown library’s entire collection of Anne Rice. (which wasn’t really that impressive, I think my mom had them too..which makes me wonder why I didn’t just take them from my mother…) And Ann Rule because I like true crime. Then I sat at the gas station at night worried that my brother in law was going to kill my sister…(totally not on topic)
Any time someone mentions Uranus I have to giggle. There’s a moon named Miranda that orbits Uranus. I found that out in high school, and said “HEY! I orbit Your Anus!” Yup. Totally mature.
Oh my god . . .
A moon named Miranda that orbits Uranus.
Oh my god.
Giggles at uranus!!! Julie?! Love it! I’m all sorts of immature as well, why I have not thought of a name for my anus? Is beyond me.
Must think of one…
And I love love LOVE to read to. Not usually vampires. But I fell in love with a vampire book/series, by accident.
I am less of a woman now huh? Damn.
It wasn’t Twilight. Just sayin.
Peggy I mean, Peggy is hilarious!!! I am a little behind today. Snicker snicker.
Hee hee!
You are the first to notice Peggy.
Snort!
I am going to pretend you never spoke of vampires to me. Hush.
I will tell you instead of a woman who used to have a blog called Larry’s Ass. Not even kidding. And she signed all of her posts “Brown Eyes.” Not even kidding.
And she did not seem to think that this was hilarious.
And then one time she did this . . . Brown Eyes, ::winking::
She did not appreciate my sense of humor very much.
Her blog? Has a new name now.
Snort!
I think, I just love you.
And Larry’s Ass? Brown eyes ::winking:: IS hilarious. How could she not think it funny? Seriously.
I used to work with a woman named Peggy. She was an older slightly strange creature that shook a lot (from what I have no idea, one can only guess), talked about her frequent visits to Victoria’s Secret for panties, and got way to close to people when she spoke.
The whole thing was way disturbing to me. But Peggy the anus? Hilarious. But combined with the above mentioned of said Peggy, either disturbing or hilarious. Close talker Peggy. Giggle.
I am all Beavis & Butthead over here.
Mark is so lucky to have me.
And close talker Peggy?
I am dead.
Just dead.
I cannot stop giggling today!
Happy giggly sighs.
“I am the great corn-holie-o. I need tp for my bung hole.”
Sorry, but I so had to. Beavis and Butthead. Snicker.
Plus also? Close talker Peggy. “Come closer, I have a secret for you.”
And MArk? Way lucky. On all sorts of levels.
Mark?
You hear that?
Way lucky, babe.
LeAnne says so.