OK, this doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, but when this sort of thing happens?
I just love life so much.
So I am going to share my love of life with you.
The other night, Mark and I are both at our computers. I am on Twitter and chatting with people and drinking a beer. Answering some emails, reading stuff.
Multitasking!
I don’t have any idea what the fuck Mark is doing, but he’s hard at work on his computer. And then he says . . .
“Hey, babe? How do you spell your anus?”
And without missing a beat? I turn to him and I say . . .
“You know damn well my anus is named Julie. J-U-L-I-E.”
And then I fall out of my chair giggling like a maniac.
Of course he means the planet.
But I am hysterical.
Tears streaming down my face.
Mark is all flustered.
I am all kinds of immature. Things like that make me very very happy.
A while back, something else made me very happy.
I am at the library. I pull a bunch of books off of the New Releases shelf and then sit down to wait for the girls to make their selections. Since having children? I am much less discriminating in my reading . . .
Here are my two requirements:
1) The book must not involve vampires unless it is written by Christopher Moore.
I hate stories about vampires. And if you are one of those women who goes all gaga for the vampire romance shit? I think less of you now. Twilight? Not fucking even.
But Christopher Moore? Swoon.
2) The book must be sitting on the New Releases shelf available for check-out.
By the way? When a book is sitting on the shelf as though I might check it out, but has one of those I’m On Hold! slips of paper tucked within its front cover? That annoys the shit out of me. Not only may I not check out this book, but I am now also confronted with the knowledge that other people are way more organized than I am.
Putting shit on hold . . . who fucking does that? So annoying.
OK, so I am sitting with my random assortment of available new releases that do not involve vampires.
And then I remember that a friend suggested that I seek out David Sedaris on audio.
A note here: I hate audio-books. I hate listening to someone read to me. The spoken word is just so slow . . . I can’t stand it!
But I trust this friend, and he says David Sedaris is an awesome reader. And I love David Sedaris. So what the hell . . . I have a minute here. I’ll go take a look.
I have no idea where in the library they might keep the audio-books, so I head to the computer to type in a search. Remember when everything was filed in a huge card catalog? I miss those little rectangular manilla pieces of paper and all of the drawers to open and shut.
But this is faster.
I sit down, and I am about to click the mouse on AUTHOR so that I can enter Mr. Sedaris’ name, when I see that the previous search is still up on the screen.
Not an AUTHOR search, but a search by SUBJECT.
And typed into the lengthy subject box?
Are these words . . .
How to be a FUCKING ADULT in a relationship.
I just sit and stare at the computer for a moment.
That is just so awesome.
But what really kills me?
Below the search, the computer has listed the library items which might help to further explicate the matter that is being investigated.
Total number of items found for this search: ZERO
Snort!
Stuff like that?
Makes me very happy.
Our library had only one Sedaris audio offering . . . Live at Carnegie Hall.
I checked it out and then returned it without listening to it.
I love Sedaris.
I hate when someone reads to me.
Better not to be disappointed.
Avoid the risk of disappointment whenever possible!
That’s my motto.
I am all FUCKING ADULT that way.
Plus also?
My anus is named Julie . . . J-U-L-I-E.
Hysterical giggling, people.
Snort!
I am way immature.
Well thank Gord, you explained the comment thing, thought I was losing my mind. I’m not too weird. I’m slightly weird.
Happy to be here.
Slightly weird is perfect.
You’ll fit right in.
You amaze me with your snappy, ass-kicking comebacks…
i’m so glad that i am important enough to have a key card to the “executive” lounge so i can check up on you.
happy sighs.
but typing on a russin keyboard?
seriously sucks julie.
snort.
Russian keyboards seriously suck Julie?
Oh my god . . . from across the world, you can make me giggle!
Love you, babe.
Have a safe trip away.
And then come back.
I’m back kinda.
having the ‘tsarina” revenge. ugh.
btw…where the hell are my quotes?
how am i gonna amaze my fb frenemies without my quotes??
Sorry.
I killed off the quotes.
Love you, though.
Sorry you’ve been sick.
Ugh.
I am the person who puts things on hold. Because it’s way more entertaining to do that at work and dream about the books I will one day be reading than to….you know, work.
So what would happen if I told you I was writing a book about…gypsies. lol. No vampires, I swear. I read those books before they were popular, and I see the only reason for the first three is to set up the fourth. They are somewhat boring, and long winded. But I am probably the only one to say that. Seriously if you are going to like someone out of the book like Jacob at least he’s warm, and always is without clothes.
Sigh.
hmmm How do I interpret that sigh?
OMG FUCKING ADULT NEWLY NAMED ANUS, I’m falling into deep deep love. “Julie, she gets shit done!”
One: beer. Really, do I need to say anything else?
Okay, I will. LOVE that you are VERY selective about your vampire stories.
Love David Sedaris and yes, will get his audio book b/c I’ve always loved him in interview.
LOVE the interaction with your readers. And yes, I love Lori even more now. And now I’m off to happily fill my world with more awesome bloggers, found above. Holy shit there are some seriously funny make me cry with laughter writers here.
So glad you mentioned this post in your interview with Sex and the Single Dad.
Oh, I am so glad you came back to this post!
It is one of my favorites as far as interaction with my readers goes.
Happy sighs.
And I have so many fabulous funny readers.
I am so fucking lucky.
Best readers in the world, pretty sure.
Love them.
OK… I made my way through all the silly funniness…
Oh. my. word.
I am beside myself with happy giggles!
I once worked with an older lady named Peggy. She was wrinkly and smelled a little off… So when I think back on those times I will see her as a big walking asshole…
Thanks for that!
Snort!
That was a fun day.
I do love when my readers go insane.
Swoon!
1. On twilight? I have no respect for a woman who goes and makes vampires sparkle! And that’s with out having read a single page. of that series. As for the others, I just haven’t bothered.
2. sad to hear that you don’t like audio books, but they are not for everyone. Me on the otherhand, I adore them! But I am very snobby about my readers. I tend to either frighten people or make them laugh when I rant about how they should or shouldn’t read Don’t ! even ! get ! me ! started!!! And Authors, should never never read their own work. They Suck! It doesn’t make sense, but they do; except for a very few.
3. I have this computer game in which you have to go into this room to transport yourself to different planets. For This game there is actually only one place you can go, but the programmers had a sense of humer and put jokes in there, if you try to go to any of the planets in our solar system. For example, if you say Mars, there is some joke about there not being a decent bar. However, when you type Uranus, and I quote, “You try to open a portel to Uranus … some jokes are best left unsaid.” bahahahaha! I loved that game.