The other day at Target, the girls and I did their back-to-school shopping. On the list? New backpacks for both girls.
Kallan quickly collects all of the smaller items on her list and then announces she would like to buy a ball with her own money. She runs off to select the perfect bouncy ball from one of those large steel cages that hold hundreds of balls. From all the way across the store, I can see the rejected balls rolling and bouncing in the aisles as she tries to free the perfect ball.
And Maj stays with me to look at the backpacks.
“I think I want one of those messenger bags this year.”
“OK.”
“Or maybe not, because then all of the weight is on my one shoulder. And I’m not sure I could fit my lunch bag in here. So maybe a regular backpack.”
“OK.”
“But it has to be the perfect backpack.”
“OK.”
“Mother? Stop helping me. How am I supposed to think if you keep interrupting?”
“Seriously, Maj?”
She pulls down a bright blue backpack, “OK, so this one is nice, but it just has one big compartment. I need two big compartments so my lunch doesn’t sit next to my folders.”
“Mmm hmmm.”
She puts it back and selects another, “OK, so not that one. This one has two compartments, but then it has weird extra zippers in the front. So not this one.”
She reaches for another one, “This one is good, but I don’t like the color.”
And this one? Has pull-strings where there should not be pull-strings.
And this one? Is too boyish looking.
Kallan reappears to hand me a lavender colored ball and to announce she is headed over to the shoe department to try on shoes.
Maj is still working through the backpacks. I sit down on the tiled floor and start emailing people on my iPhone.
This one? Has the manufacturer’s label too prominently displayed.
And this one? Has foreign words printed on it that she is afraid are inappropriate.
And this one? Has wheels. No wheels for Maj.
And this one? Is too difficult to tighten.
And this one? Has characters on it and is far too babyish.
Kallan reappears with shoes and several purses. She models them all for me, but has money to buy none of these items.
Maj again, “How am I supposed to think in the middle of a fashion show? Tell her to stop getting in my brain, Mother. I can’t think.”
Kallan heads off to return the shoes and the purse and to see if she can find a magazine she claims I promised to buy for her.
Maj is all thoughtful . . . this one? Is too girly.
And this one? Does not call to her.
And this one? Makes her look short.
And this one? Has stars in a weird shade of green that make her think of snot.
And this one? A girl she hates at school had this backpack last year.
And this one? Is too flimsy.
And this one? Makes her look like she’s going on a hiking trip.
And this one? Is maybe the one.
Wait, what?
I hurry to compliment this last bag, “Oh, I like that one, Maj! It’s perfect! The right color. The correct number of compartments and nice zippers. The right size and shape and brand. It’s perfect. It’s you!”
Maj is pleased and twirls around, trying to get a sense of how she will look as she walks into school next Tuesday to start the new year. I walk with her to a nearby mirror and watch as she checks herself out. She seems pleased.
Yay!
But on the way back to the backpack display? She is plunged into doubt.
“I just don’t know if this backpack is calling to me, Mother.”
“It’s perfect, Maj.”
“You say that. But I’m not sure.”
She takes it off and stares at it testily, “I want a backpack that exceeds all of my expectations. I do not feel as though my expectations are being exceeded here, Mother.”
Sigh.
“It’s your call, babe. I want you to be happy with your choice.”
Maj is quiet for a moment and then, “Is there any chance you will take me somewhere else to look for backpacks in the next few days?”
“Sure. If that’s what you want to do.”
“Because I am thinking this is not my perfect backpack.”
“OK, then. Put it down. No problem.”
She puts it down.
Kallan reappears, “Did Maj choose a backpack yet?”
I start rolling our cart down the aisle, “Nope. She’s going to wait and shop somewhere else.”
Kallan grabs the cart to stop me, “Wait! I still need a backpack. Which one did Maj almost choose?”
Maj points to the blue and green backpack that, in the end, did not exceed her expectations.
Kallan dances over to it, picks up the backpack, throws it in the cart, “I like it. I’ll buy that one.”
Fuck.
I turn to Maj, “Are you OK with that? Last chance, Maj. If you want this backpack, you can buy it. But if you don’t want it? I’m going to let Kallan get it. Your call.”
Maj is all crabby, “Let her get it. I told you I don’t want it, Mother.”
Since that day?
I have taken Maj to four other stores.
And she does not yet have a backpack.
Turns out?
Kallan has the backpack Maj wants.
And the bitterness of that realization?
Exceeds all of Maj’s expectations.
Sigh.
You are far more patient than I am. I’m much more like Kallan when I shop than Maj.
Actually, I know exactly what I’m looking for and I can quickly tell if the store has it or doesn’t. All it takes is a glance around and then I either see something or I don’t.
Joel loves me for this quality.
I am a get in and out of the store as quickly as possible sort of person.
I hate shopping.
But Kallan likes to spend hours looking at everything.
And Maj can spend hours looking at just one thing.
And so I have learned to be patient.
“I am a get in and out of the store as quickly as possible sort of person.
I hate shopping”
That is ME. I even hate grocery shopping. My goal is to get what I need and get out ALIVE. I always feel crowded and weird shopping.
Online shopping, that is the way to go at my house–
Taking picky kids shopping—no patience
Bless you for your patience…
I am not always this patient.
But the back-to-school shopping is very important to Maj.
So I try to let her have the time and space she needs to make the choices that will make her happy.
But she still doesn’t have a backpack.
Sigh.
And personally?
I hate shopping. All shopping.
Hate it.
If I ever tell you that we are expecting another child?
I want you to shoot me in the head.
I trust you to do me in with one shot.
Nope.
There will be torture first.
A slow lingering death.
Just so you can know what you will be missing.
Not having that second child.
Snort!
And here I thought you were my friend…
Instead you are all Pol Pot.
Between friends?
Pain is sometimes required.
It’s for your own good.
You say tomato, I say genocide.
What?
You?
Make weird word salads.
It’s part of my charm.
That and the skin suit I’m making from murdered fat girls.
Maybe I should have kept that under wraps a little longer.
Oh my god.
Now I am giggling so hard I cannot even fucking type.
I have no response that is worthy.
None.
I am dying.
Are you going to be okay?
I’ve got quite a supply of lotion here if you need a soothing massage.
Precious! Fetch me the lotion!
We’ll be right with you.
Will this be a real massage?
Or one of those “segue” massages?
I am on to you.
And Precious?
Oh my god.
I am going to kill you.
I love you guys and your Precious skin suits made of dead fat girls. Through and through. I just read your exchange out loud to my husband because I was sitting here laughing with glee. He kind of chuckled.
He means well but he’s no Kris-Nigel.
On another note…I have four kids. This was a planned mistake. They are everywhere. My daughter is much like Maj as am I. Try to imagine Maj parenting four kids and pretending she is laid back.
Yep. It works that well.
Angela -
The thought of you as some future Maj? Trying to pretend to be relaxed and laid-back? Is making me giggle. A lot.
And Mark does not always laugh at my funniness.
He says one of us has to be sane.
So that Maj has at least one reasonable parent.
Mark makes me laugh.
Your Kallan? One savvy shopper!
I know, right?
She lets Maj go through all the backpacks to find the best one. Lets Maj do all the work.
And then just swoops in.
Kallan is all geniusy and crazy-making.
LOL Maj is like McDonald’s and Kallan is like Burger King. McDonald’s spends tons and tons and TONS of money on market research to determine where to build their next McD’s, and Burger King waits for McD’s to build it, and then build right next door. Their investment? Next to nothing.
I can understand Maj’s bitterness.
But yet, this so makes me laugh. And cringe. Because I see this in my near future.
I love your fast-food analogy!
That’s just perfect.
Maj works very hard.
And Kallan?
Kallan just waits and swoops.
Snort!
I am all about analogies…and even more about fast food. ;-)
Me?
I always get the kid’s meal . . .
Cheeseburger with no ketchup.
Fries.
And a drink.
YAY!
Plus also?
A cool toy.
Wha??? No ketchup?? I usually get the two cheeseburger meal, but ask for no cheese. Why don’t they have a two hamburger meal??
By the way, how off topic can we get?? LOL
I hate ketchup.
Ick.
And off topic?
Here in the comments?
That never fucking happens!
Snort!
I work at McDonalds. I believe there is a two hamburger meal!
And my working at McDonalds is lame, but not as lame as it seems. I’m only eighteen.
Not lame.
Not lame at all.
Where are you located?
The girls and I would like to come through the drive-through and pester you for free fries.
And is there a two-cheeseburger meal?
That’s what I need.
Cheese . . . yummy.
NO WAY!! They always act all dumb when I try to order two hamburgers. Even my little one wants to know why I have to order cheeseburgers with no cheese. LOL
Maybe it’s a Michigan thing??
Michigan is a little slow.
As I recall.
sisterhood is such a mystery. do you ever feel like a choreographer trying to create a dance with a tap dancer and a ballerina?
Every . . . single . . . day.
Yes.
It’s just eating at me. Did Kallan really like the backpack or did she grab it just to piss off Maj…..or both. I have a feeling Kallan is really an evil genius disguised as a sweet little girl.
Kallan liked the backpack.
And she knew Maj had already picked the best one.
And the fact that she gets to drive her sister insane?
That’s a bonus.
Definite bonus.
and you? are a patient woman!!!
I am not a patient woman.
But patience is required.
I do the best I can.
oh boy it is going to be a long school year. Let the taunting begin.
Sigh.
Ok, just for Maj. Lands End at Sears. Sturdy, 2 compartment backpacks. Guarnteeded forever, come in lots of colors (but not too many, mom.) They also offer coordinating lunch bags. And when we were there 2 weeks ago they were on sale. Also, you can do the color and style choosing ONLINE before you go to the store to get one. Or you could order it online and no store required. Go on, git.
You are all practical!
Maj would love you.
Alright, alright!
I am going.
I am gitting.
At first? I was going to say something witty about Maj’s inability to choose…and then I realized that I’ve been to 8 yes EIGHT stores looking for?? Wait for it…a towel rack. Yes, a towel rack for the bathroom that we’re re-doing. The paint, cabinet, tile etc was all picked at the first shopping trip in a little under an hour, but this damn towel rack has taken me 3 days and about 8 eights to choose…the worst part? Its going to be covered be towels, noone will even see it.
Hello, grown-up Maj!
So nice to see you you here!
Snort!
Have you ever watched 7th Heaven? If so, my mom says that I was just like Lucy growing up. All neurotic and crazy and thinking that the whole world was dumb and probably out to get me. She said I had a chip on my shoulder all the time and that sometimes, just sometimes, the world wasn’t revolving around me….and yeah…she was so right.
I have never seen that show.
But whoever Lucy is?
With her giant chip?
Sounds like my Maj.
A lot.
Yeah, that should have said 8 hours to choose.
Silly you.
I knew that.
so?
what kind of backpack did she finally end up with??
She . . . has . . . no . . . backpack.
Did I not make that clear?
This afternoon?
More shopping.
Sigh.
Hahaha…. Kallan is like a Target Ninja…. Also, wait’ll Maj has to decide what college to go to. Or better yet, you take her shopping for a wedding gown… Hahahahaha. I’m sorry.
That’s alright.
My pain?
Presented for your amusement.
Love that.
Oh, Maj. My heart goes out to her while pretty much thinking if I were her mother? I’d not be as patient with her as you are. Kudos!
Oh, and I was totally just using a wholesale club baby wipe to wipe some tortilla chip salt from my fingers before typing.
Thought of your Mark and had a giggle, even though I don’t keep mine on the floor.
I am not patient inside.
But I try to maintain a calm and peaceful exterior.
Otherwise?
These shopping trips? Are pure hell.
So she gets to get under Maj’s skin for the duration of the backpack’s life, with Maj’s permission, no less. Well played, Kallan. Well played.
Yes, Kallan has played well.
This time.
I would not be surprised if something tragic happens to this backpack, however.
Not the least bit surprised.