Maj has a tendency to narrate her mornings. There is no real need to respond, but I am aware of the words as they fill the morning air.
“Mother? I am going upstairs to get socks now.”
“I am going to eat some cereal.”
“I almost hurt myself on the railing!”
“I am putting my books in my backpack.”
“Mother? I am going to take this bag of crackers as a snack.”
“I am heading upstairs to brush my hair.”
“I found my sweater.”
“I am putting on my sweater.”
“I was going to take my cell phone to school today, but now I have decided to leave it at home.”
“I almost forgot to fix my bed, but I am going to fix it now.”
“I do not need this plate, and so I am putting it back in the drawer.”
“I finished my glass of orange juice.”
Mark and I are sitting on the couch, drinking coffee in these last moments before the girls head off to school. Letting the morning noisy air drift over us.
Maj swings into the room, hanging against the door’s frame to update us, “I am going to the bathroom.”
We do not answer her.
“Hello? Did you hear me? I am going to the bathroom.”
I snort, “Got it, Maj. Thanks for the update.”
A few minutes in which there is only Kallan. She is singing a goofy song she learned in music class over and over and over again. I try not to focus, but I am aware of the words as they fill the morning air.
And then it is almost time to leave. Kallan is somehow organized before her sister, and she is standing impatiently by the door. Maj hurries about, attending to last minute details.
“I am putting socks in my backpack in case I need them for gym, because I have decided to wear flip-flops to school.”
Mark sighs, “We don’t need all of the details of your life narrated, Maj. We have talked about this before. Just update us when there is something important we need to know.”
Maj is surprised, “How is the fact that I am packing socks not important?”
Snort!
She continues talking from the other room, “OK, so I have packed the socks, and I have my lunch and my binder and my math book.”
Kallan suddenly yells out from the door, “MAJ IS PACKING HER BACKPACK, PEOPLE!”
Maj ignores her sister, “And then I have to find my flip flops.”
“MAJ IS SEARCHING FOR HER FLIP-FLOPS!”
“OK, so now I have my flip flops. Just let me grab my backpack and put it on.”
“MAJ IS PICKING UP HER BACKPACK!”
“Stop, Kallan. I just need to pull my hair out of the straps.”
“MAJ IS PULLING HER HAIR FREE OF THE STRAPS!”
“Stop it! It is time to go.”
“IT IS TIME TO GO!”
“You are so annoying! Why do you have to be so annoying?”
“MAJ IS ANNOYED BY HER SISTER AGAIN!”
The girls walk out to the bus stop together and out of our day.
I turn to Mark, and I am giggling, “You remember that Saturday Night Live thing? She so reminded me of that skit.”
Marks agrees, “Jack Handey? Deep Random Thoughts . . . By Maj.”
“What? No. I mean Kallan, with the yelling. That Garrett Morris thing on Weekend Update.”
Mark stares at me, “No clue, Kris.”
“Oh, come on! Jane Curtin and Chevy Chase introduced the character on Weekend Update. They said they were going to have Garrett Morris assist in delivering the news to their hard-of-hearing viewers. And then Garrett Morris appeared in this little oval on the side of the screen, and you assumed he was going to do sign language as the newscasters spoke.”
“Oh, I think I kind of remember that.”
Hmmmph. Never mind.
Chevy Chase opening the newscast, “Our top story tonight . . .”
And then Garrett Morris, with his hands cupped around his mouth, screaming from his oval . . .
“OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT . . .”
Chase again, “Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.”
“GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD.”
So funny.
Happy sighs.
Oh, guess what?
Mark was looking at my post last night, and he’s all, “How come everything is always about sex with you? Why can’t you just write about a pencil and a jelly sandwich? And why is the Baby Jesus anywhere near the pencil? Why do you always go to the sex?”
Ahem.
So today? A lovely clean G-Rated post.
Don’t tell Mark about this guest-post link to Blogging Dangerously.
But click the link.
Just be quiet about it.
Shhhhhh.
Plus also?
Meow.
I have spit my lunch all over my desk.
Don’t think I’m giving you any credit for it. It is all Kallan’s.
So. Freaking. Funny.
Kallan cracks me up.
All the time.
She is awesome.
*snicker*
That is all.
*snicker?”
Snort!
I so thought of that SNL skit. It was before my time, but I so know exactly what you’re talking about! And I’m laughing.
Feeling better??
Laughing always makes me feel better.
But yes, I do feel better today.
Not 100%.
But better.
Thanks.
ha! Kallan is a trip
She so is.
She soooooooo is.
I make a joke about that Weekend Update thing about once a week at work. And each time, the 20somethings all look at me like I am from Mars. Which of course, I am.
But they were not alive when that was being broadcast.
Mark has no excuse.
Perhaps some Netflixing is in order.
Also? Baby Jesus?
Hee!
Mark did remember it, eventually.
He just didn’t think it was that funny. Not even when I followed him through the house yelling about Generalissimo Francisco Franco.
That made me laugh hysterically, by the way.
As does the Baby Jesus.
Happy sighs.
I spent several weeks if not months referring to a co-worker as “Jane, you ignorant slut”. When I didn’t get the anticipated reaction, several times, I asked if she knew what I was talking about. She didn’t. She was born in 1979 but I was born in 1977. Does two years really make that big of a difference?
Long story short: we stood up for each other at our respective weddings and refer to each other as Ignorant Slut (her) and Dirty Whore (me) respectively.
A friendship built to last.
That is an AWESOME story!
Just awesome.
Love that.
Oh my god…we do that bit ALL. THE. TIME.
My kids, who have no idea who any of those people are, do that bit.
Which of course I think is brilliant.
Go Kallan.
Kallan does not always understand Maj.
But Kallan knows funny.
She so does.
My 19 year old daughter still narrates her life.
But I have to be careful. Among her friends, narrate = masturbate.
Her narration is of the verbal sort, not the sexual sort….as far as I know.
Maj doesn’t always narrate her life.
But in the mornings as she prepares for school?
Yes.
The other?
Not going there.
As she is only 11, you don’t want to go there (I won’t mention that I discovered that particular joy at age 12, either).
My daughter doesn’t narrate everything. But when she does, it’s often amusing.
Ack!
I am sticking my fingers in my ears and singing LALALALALALALA until you stop talking.
And the narration?
While tiring? Is often hilarious.
Snort!
I died at “MAJ IS ANNOYED BY HER SISTER AGAIN!” And I love old SNL episodes. I want all of them on DVD.
I was so bummed there wasn’t a better SNL clip of this Garrett Morris genius.
Somebody get on that!
Who is in charge of Youtube?
Snort!
Kallan is a riot. that girl has a future in comedy.
Comedy or taxidermy.
It’s a toss-up.
snort. and maybe Maj will be a news anchor. this just in: putting socks in the backpack
Snort!
That would be awesome.
That was priceless! Every once in a while I miss not having kids in the house anymore. Then I
babysit my grandson and it goes away. And yes I love the hell out of him, I’m just not a good mommy type.
I love my daughters more than I can say.
I love their energy and their noise and their needs.
But the part of the day where they head off to school?
That empty-house part?
Is also quite lovely.
So I’ve been busy and haven’t had time to read, but I thought I would inform you that I have caught up completely, that’s 9 posts of yours at once.
There was a bit of a rollercoaster. Laughter, tears, and everything in between. It was a nice little adventure.
Hope you are feeling better!
Oh and PS, I can now clear out your posts from Google Reader (as reminders). I hate when I have unread items.
A bit of a roller-coaster for me as well.
I’m glad you enjoyed the ride!
I no longer use a reader.
All those unread items.
Too much guilt.
Fuck that.
If I care?
I will remember to read.
Kallan is awesomely funny. Give that kid a hug.
I do remember that SNL bit – that’s exactly what popped into my head when I was reading the post. I was blanking on Garret Morris’s name, though. So thank you for including it. Now I don’t have to try Googling strange strings like, “SNL, yelling, news.”
Google is my best friend . . . I type just that kind of search all the time.
All the time.
actress, bad boob job, pussycat, carson, washed up
YES!!
Tara Reid
Thank you, Google!
DOyou think she does it to get attention? or maybe she does it cause she is anal/particular and it helps her remember what all she needs to do, so she wont forget. Kinda like a tic.
I often do it myself, when i have alot of things scheduled. I stress out about forgetting something.
Just a thought.
Not to get attention. Not at all.
It reassures her to say the things out loud.
To have the physical event paired with a stating of the event.
Definite tic-like qualities.
A soothing thing.
Oh, now- you mean my almost-three-year-old will not outgrow this? He narrates EVERYTHING. Nothing goes unmentioned. Verbally declared. As cute as he is, it can be annoying. I was hoping this was a developmental phase.
I think for most people?
The narration is a stage.
Maj enjoys it and has held onto the phase.
Made it permanent.
It soothes her, I believe.
Kallan is my hero.
For reals.
She is pretty awesome.