I have spent much of the day in bed.
I have had horrific kidney stone episodes in the past. Horrific. Not fun reading, but maybe I will tell you those stories sometime just to fuck with you.
This appears to be a lesser episode.
I am hopeful.
Spent today with a weighty ball of pain where my left kidney should be. A liquid vibrating amorphous weighty fucking ball of pain.
A new reality. Fine.
I’ll just be this new person who only sees pain.
I’ll adjust.
But then there are spikes of something that is more than pain.
Agony.
Sharp, shrill, brilliant, piercing agony.
And then back to pain.
Oooooh . . . yes. How could I have forgotten how lovely it is to just be in pain?
Happy sighs.
This is fine.
And then the agony again.
But because it is not constant? Because I am not vomiting uncontrollably? Because I still have control of my bodily functions? Because I am not shaking and trembling as the spasms wrack my body? Because I can still speak and email with people on my iPhone from bed? Because I do not want to fucking die?
Because I do not feel the urge to kill the person who I imagine might refuse me a demerol injection in this moment?
It’s not that bad.
It passes back into the pain.
And so then I took some codeine. I would have preferred vicodin, but to get vicodin, I would have had to go see a doctor and beg like an addict. I had codeine in the house.
So like an addict, I fucking made do.
Took the codeine.
That was weird.
And now?
The pain is receding.
There is a new sensation now, as though some small sharp sandy monster is trying to burrow its way into my body. The feeling is opposed to reality, because I have been drinking endless amounts of water today in an attempt to flush this sharp crystalline invader out of my system. That I can feel the ragged sharpness?
That’s a good sign.
Slept for a while after taking the codeine. I am not good on medication, and I kept half-waking to the certainty that there was a large black dog in the corner of the room. We do not have a large black dog.
And as I type this? I see movement in my peripheral vision that is clearly a dog. Nowhere on the bottle of codeine does it mention that there will be dog visitations.
Please do not leave me comments about how peripheral hallucinations are a sign of a brain tumor, people. Because I am not in the fucking mood.
Also? I took a notebook and a pencil to bed with me today in case I had thoughts I wanted to remember. I somehow grabbed this thick yellow pencil we got at a hotel one time. It’s far thicker than your average pencil, and writing with it made me feel dull and slow.
So I didn’t write much, and I slipped into unconsciousness with the pencil and paper beside me.
When I awoke? I opened my eyes to see my fingers running up and down the length of the pencil. Stroking it. It took me a second to realize that it was my hand jerking off the pencil-penis vision before me.
And then I thought of the Baby Jesus. And I never think of the Baby Jesus, so that just goes to show you that I should never take codeine.
Apparently.
And the large black dog shook himself in the corner of the room.
And I fell asleep again.
I dreamed of maggots and snakes and the color purple and of my feet sinking into mud and of eating the most delicious strawberry jelly sandwich I have ever tasted.
You know how when you take the first bite of something, and it is just perfect? The flavor just captivates your mouth, your brain, your being.
Oh my god, yes . . . I want more of that.
So you take another bite, and while it’s still delicious, you are never again going to have that first bite. That bite where your body just gave itself over to being fucked by this food.
But you want that food-fucking feeling back again, and so you try to push the third bite to a different part of your mouth . . . somewhere the taste buds have not already been overloaded and satiated.
You have tried this before, and it doesn’t really work, but you are ever optimistic.
Don’t tell me you don’t play mind-fucking games with your mouth, because you so do.
And do not leave me comments about how no one does that and Kris is weird, because people? I am not in the fucking mood.
So anyway, in my dream the jelly sandwich fucks my mouth with every bite.
Every bite is like the first bite.
Yes, there are maggots and snakes and ugly purple hues and there is mud sucking at my feet.
But also?
There is orgasmic sex of the jellied sort.
Yum.
And then I awoke again and there were doggish shadows in the corners that wagged their tails and then receded.
As the pain has receded.
Hopefully, this small bit of jagged pain that remains will pass quickly.
Because I do not want to actually get a prescription for vicodin.
I get all weird on vicodin.
Codeine, though?
All normal.
Stupid fucking side-vision dog.
Waitress?
I’ll have what she’s having.
OK, but you better fucking leave a tip this time.
Kidney stones are a heinous bitch.
Yes, but this one?
Appears to be of the less heinous variety.
Fingers crossed.
Cool! Visions! Last time I took vicodin all I got was voices.
Snort!
Mmm, I got all warm and fuzzy reading this thinking about vicodin and codeine. It’s never fun being in the kind of pain that warrants vicodin and/or codeine (that and/or was absolutely intentional… does that mean I have a problem?). Once while on painkillers I imagined Hillary Clinton was coming out of a hospital TV… good times. Sigh.
But enough about me — hope you are feeling better!
Hee hee!
Thanks, you.
Yeah, I know…about the addictive personality stuff.
Just, yeah.
Pass that motherfather soon!!!!
Thank you.
I am trying.
And addiction?
Sigh.
Yes.
I only *wish* my experiences with that poison were as fun as yours! Mine were of the shaking-puking-brain-numbing variety. I prefer not to mention it. Gets me all OMFG inside.
Also? Hope you feel better soon!
I have only taken the one pill.
Because I try never to take pain medication.
I get all weird.
And I like it way too much.
Sigh.
Once more, your dealer please lady. 4 codeine pills just make me sleepy and here you are being mouth fucked and you even get a big dog in your corner from ONE. It just isn’t fair I tell ya!
It’s not actually that fabulous a thing.
I am way fucking susceptible to drugs.
Sigh.
I try to avoid prescription pain medications.
I get all weird.
I am carving out the smallest of moments to myself and part of my little gift to myself was reading your blog before I drain my beyond exhausted ass to bed. And I was not disappointed. That fucking dog better be house-trained. And at this point? When I feel disconnected from my blog and my blogger people? A nice strawberry jelly sandwich mouth fuck is just what the doctor ordered.
That my words are a gift?
That is fucking awesome.
Thank you so much.
I hope the sandwich was lovely.
This is the first time I visit. This blog is a blast I love it and will follow.
Yay!
I am running out of ways to tell you that your writing is fucking brilliant.
If, on codeine, this is how you write, I cant imagine…even…how to finish this sentence!
this is my favorite, but in context…
“Apparently.
And the large black dog shook himself in the corner of the room.
And I fell asleep again.”
there is something epic about it
man, feel better. your pain is our gain.
but I really want you to feel better.
much love.
I am feeling better, but that my loonier words appeal to you?
Love that.
Thank you.
reminds me of that Beatles song A Day in the Life…
“Found my way upstairs and had a smoke,
Somebody spoke and i went into a dream
Ah”
Love that.
Love.
Nicole, I agree with you. The visual of the dog shaking…
also-I don’t know how else to say BRILLIANT. I’ve run out of ways with all the awesome writers I have run into lately.
All of the awesome writers you have run into lately?
Hmmmph.
Although I will take the “brilliant.”
I’m not a fool.
I ALWAYS see things when I take prescription pain killers. After I had Buddy, I was on Vicodin once I went home (c-section) and I swore there was a guy walking around our bed. Even after seeing my husband next to me, I still thought he was up and walking around. It freaked me the hell out.
But the dreams while on Rx pain killers? Oh SO awesome.
Another day?
When I share the horror of the kidney stones that refused to move along?
I will share the ecstasy of the Demerol.
Oh . . . my . . .god.
more drugs for Kris! this is awesome.
You make me giggle.
Pass the drugs.
ok, seriously? i have never laughed so hard and felt such empathy at the same time in a long time. I hope the pain goes away, the grinding pain sounds harsh! I had gallbladder attacks and they didn’t sound as bad as your pain!!
Geeze I hope it passes soon.
M
ps- the dog? It’s to keep you safe, don’t be afraid of it. Mind you – if it turns into a white dog, then don’t run but back out of the room.
Love you, empathetic giggling one.
The dog doesn’t worry me.
But safe from what?
What is the dog protecting me from?
Safe from what???
Hmmm. I’ve never taken Codeine, but I bet I wouldn’t have quite the same experience. I have a very high tolerance for pain medications. And liquor.
Vicodin? Really does nothing for me. Percocet will do the job with the pain, but it makes me all psychotically emotionally irrational. Like the normal me is in the back of my head going “what the fuck are you freaking out about, woman?? You dropped your keys.”
Kind of like the “surprise! You’re on hormones!” realization, only way more irrational.
And psychotic.
Yeah. There’s a reason I avoid (most) drug-taking. I can’t handle the crazy.
I hope you feel better soon!
Yes, I try to avoid pain medications, as I am generally way susceptible and weird on them.
Except for Novocaine. That one my body processes at the speed of light.
ACK!
Shudders of horror at those memories.
ACK!
And thank you for the well-wishes.
You are brilliant. And love that you came back with a post! You amaze me..
Plus also? A large black dog. Kind of reassuring but also kind of creepy at the same time. Perhaps he/she was simply keeping watch over you.
Me? I don’t do medication/drugs for many reasons. This being one. My mind? Imagines all sorts of things during my slumber as it is — in which I either wake up screaming or saying what the fuck?!
Then again, some of the best things come from the random images and events our minds create. Whether on drugs or in dreamland.
Example. This post. Love you!
Note to self: Perhaps you shuld keep a notebook near your bed.
Because I was feeling better at the end of the day?
Which meant the stone was moving along.
I posted again so that I wouldn’t have to take two days talking about kidney stones.
I have other things to do.
Like make myself a jelly sandwich.
And you should so keep a notebook by your bed.
Yes.