My relationship with Mark?
We are calm. We are smooth. He knows me. I know him.
I have no secrets from him except the things I do not speak.
And I mean nothing more by that than this . . . my mind races and churns and connects and puzzles and analyzes and obsesses. All the fucking time.
I do not share my every thought with Mark. He does not wish to hear my every thought.
So I have secrets of the interior sort.
Some of those secrets I share here in my writing, and sometimes Mark is surprised.
But mostly? We are calm and smooth.
I want it that way. I like it that way. I need it to be that way.
I chose Mark in part because I knew it would be this way.
Our relationship together has healed me.
I grew up with that other kind of love.
That insane raging love.
NO.
But . . .
Words sung by the girls endlessly as they walk about the house . . . a song they have been singing recently and which I recognize.
A woman’s voice, mournful and lovely, singing . . .
Just going to stand there and watch me burn
That’s alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just going to stand there and hear me cry
Well, that’s alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie.
What the fuck?
So beautiful, but what the fuck?
So I head on over to Youtube to look up the video. It’s Eminem and Rihanna, singing Love the Way You Lie.
And people? I am transfixed.
It’s a gorgeous song, a gorgeous video, and the story it tells?
Just stops my heart.
A story of all-consuming passion, of love dipped in violence, of eroticism drenched in gaseous rage. Of anger and heartbreak and insanity and apologies and relenting and the intensity of a desperate sexual urge to heal the broken bits within you by ripping what you need from the soul of this other person.
Eminem’s voice, by turns hostile and then full of soft entreatry, explains how everything is going to work out. How it’s going to be different next time. Just get the fuck back here.
Oh my god.
And then the calm exquisite serenity that can only exist between moments of chaos.
And then chaos again.
Because once there is chaos, there is always chaos again.
And Rihanna’s voice, hauntingly resigned and adoring, obsessed . . .
Just going to stand there and watch me burn
That’s alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just going to stand there and hear me cry
Well, that’s alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie.
The actors in this video? They are perfection.
I want to be them.
I want to stand in that fire. I want to stand in that fire so badly I can taste the smoke in my mouth. I want to be forced against that wall. I want to be uncertain of whether this dangerous moment will end with explosive violence or passion.
That’s not good.
And I am familiar with the concept of fantasy, people.
I know about the joys of imagination.
As I know that this video wasn’t made to impact only me. Around the world it plays and snakes itself into the consciousness of the masses. With its message that overwhelming danger and hate and hostility can become, in an instant . . . love and desire and passion.
And that the signs of true love?
Are scorched into your skin.
A sexy message.
I know how to take fantasy and wrap it up in my calm peaceful life.
I so do.
But what to do with the re-awakened knowledge that my calm peaceful life is wrapped around a darker truth? What to make of the connection I feel to the message of this song? What to do with the small part of my heart that is urging a reality made of this fantasy?
Fuck.
My relationship with Mark?
We are calm. We are smooth. He knows me. I know him.
I have no secrets from him, except I sometimes do.
Some of those secrets I share here in my writing, and sometimes Mark is surprised.
I love my life.
I am always thrown when my past rushes up and grips me by the throat.
And even more thrown by how I sometimes welcome that choking like an old lover.
Familiar. Intense.
Fire.
Eminem’s last words before Rihanna closes out the song with those mournful lyrics that are burned into my brain?
This . . .
If she ever tries to fucking leave again, I’m going to tie her to the bed and set this house on fire.
That takes me back.
Sigh.
And no . . . the girls do not get to listen to this song in our house. But they have lives and friends and influences that are no longer me. And the girls are not me.
So there is that.
This is why I don’t listen to anything but Christian rock.
I like music that doesn’t make me think too much.
Although you do like The Beastie Boys.
And they are all kinds of deep and pensive.
Like Keats, baby.
Or Byron.
Or Snoop Dogg.
Or Lady Gaga.
Snort!
Now you’re just being silly.
Actually?
I adore Lady Gaga.
So pfffffttttt.
Just when I think you can’t get any more weird…
… you whip something like that out.
I still have a few surprises up my sleeve.
So watch it, mister.
I’m watching.
You don’t scare me.
Oh, I think I do.
A little bit.
there is nothing wrong with lady gaga.
except for what is obviously wrong with her of course.
but her music is usually pretty awesome.
but her videos? specially “alejandro”?
belong on the ppv sex channel.
what? it so totally does.
2 things #1: I seriously love that song because it is truly a beautiful song musically. #2: But the lyrics??!! I seriously HATE how the media loves to sexualize the beating of women. WTF? Thanks Eminem & Rihanna.
My 6 yr old sings that song and my skin crawls. I wonder what she thinks that song is about? She is not quite ready to hear gory truth.
Did you watch the video?
Watch it.
It’s killing me.
It’s all the wrong messages.
All wrong.
But it has connected with something in me.
Ugh.
Kris, I totally get what you are saying with this video. I hadn’t seen it until I read this post but I have been listening to the song almost obsessively for about 2 weeks now because it has connected with something in me as well. So double Ughh and your post. You speak what I think and can’t verbalize! Kudos again!
I am always surprised when someone tells me that I have verbalized his or her thoughts.
I spend my days convinced that I am all alone in my brain.
So thank you.
Very much.
Well, I’m off for the first time in my life to check out an Eminem video on YouTube.
You are always enlightening.
And seldom in the way I expect.
Come back and let me know what you think.
I will now be watching it again for perhaps the 10th time this evening.
Sigh.
I think… the narrative, filmic aspect? The story… amazing. That I was drawn to. Beauty and pain all twisted up together. Oh.
The music video bits? Distracting.
I’m not drawn to that fire, though. I’m the wrong kind of moth.
My darkness lies elsewhere.
That man? The actor?
The guy from Lost . . . Charlie was his name on that show.
I thought he was awesome in this video.
And my darkness?
Lies all over the fucking place.
Apparently.
Sigh.
Yeah. that song. It haunts and I’ve never had to endure *that* type of relationship. I’m sorry there wasn’t always Mark.
Did you watch the video?
Sigh.
And Mark is always.
I haven’t read your blog yet Nigel but shit you make me laugh sometimes.
I am not always funny, but you should come on over.
I don’t bite.
Don’t lie to the woman, Nigel.
Becca? He bites.
He so does.
Be careful.
I only bite where the marks don’t show.
Which is better, if you ask me.
So true, Nigel. Bites. Can be awesome. Kinda like bruised hip bones. You know the kind of bruises. The ones shaped like fingers that were left by a man who knows how to wrap his hands around your hips and bend you in just the right position…
Damn it!! My husband is working tonight. Thanks Kris and Nigel for the work up with little satisfaction at the end.
Mandie?
You will have to do some of the work yourself.
You know how that work is done.
Get to it.
I’m just going to start renting myself out for priming the pump, so to speak, of all you women folk who need a bit of it.
And then you can all go jump your husbands, so I don’t feel too much like a whore.
Just a little.
A little is okay.
Becca -
Go visit Nigel.
Why do you never listen to me?
Oh Gawd. Now I’m scared to go visit Nigel!
Hee hee!
He is awesome.
Go.
I am awesome, aren’t I?
Damn.
Who knew?
Did we not already discuss how humility was not one of your best tricks?
Who has time for humility?
Life is too short.
Time is short and you may lie.
So I may have to torture you.
Just a little bit.
Oh no!
Please don’t throw me in that there briar patch!
jesus christ, Kris.
and not because of the bathroom, i finally got in.
i don’t want to watch that video.
danger? sexy? sure.
wanting to fucking kill your lover? like ole farrah fawcett in the burning bed?
that is fucked.
not okay. really not. NOT.
fuck.
i am gonna go watch the fucking thing, but i am already pissed.
and rihanna? do we not already know that she is a victim of domestic violence? of the very public kind? that is fucked.
I know, right?
What is she thinking?
Is there no one to advise this poor girl?
In my humble little opinion, Rihanna did this to tell a story. Her story. It was very purposeful.
Thank you for that.
That’s a much happier thought.
Yay.
Pissed is good.
That will teach you to haiku at me.
Kris, NO.
i am all behind what you are saying about yourself. i DO see you.
but this video and song are absolutely wrong and fucked.
i am totally shaking with rage and tears.
cycle of violence? heard of that? fuck.
women ARE killed. in reality.
http://www.runawaysentence.com/2010/05/safe-passage.html
Oh, babe.
Yes, I have heard of the cycle of violence.
I was raised in that cycle of violence.
And as an adult?
That cycle of violence calls to me from my past.
I am not making light.
Here in the comments?
There are jokes as there are always jokes, as people distance themselves from harder truths.
But I am not making light.
And I know what you are saying.
Sigh. I love that song. But it always makes me sad hearing it. Trying not to get pulled back into the excuses. He didn’t mean to hit me so hard. He hasn’t had a girlfriend in awhile, he only knows how to act around boys and boys hit. He’ll never do it again. OK that was the last time. No really, this won’t happen again.
Rob’s yelled at me ONCE. Ever. And when he did. I started laughing because I couldn’t believe he just raised his voice, and then he got all flustered and started laughing too. I was quite obnoxious while pregnant and he was trying to drive.
I much prefer the smooth and the not worrying. But the excitement? Often gets forgotten too.
Although it’s nice that I don’t have to think of excuses all the time.
Oh and also? Mentioning you in tomorrow’s blog post :) You have been for-warned this time ;)
Was that Megan Fox and the one guy from the lord of the rings? Not the main short one but one of the other little side ones? My sister has been watching that shit all day on TV and I swear it is…
I know the actor from Lost. I have never seen Lord of the Rings.
The woman . . . I think it is Megan Fox.
Let me check.
Yes . . . Megan Fox and Dominic Monaghan
I will pay attention to your post tomorrow.
And I am not saying that I want that angry raging love. Only that some small part of me yearns for it, seeks the comfort of its familiarity.
And that surprises me.
After all this time.
The connection I have to my past.
We often don’t want things that make us feel better. I wasn’t insinuating you wanted it, or lacked something without it in your life.
This is some memory foam shit here. You get up and go, but the bed still has that imprint and sometimes you get so frustrated with how long it takes that imprint to go away, but then laying down in that imprint, even for a few hours, just feels… right?
I took no offense.
I just want to be sure that I am very clear.
The memory foam metaphor?
That’s awesome.
An imprint that waits for your return, and that allows you to slip back into its embrace?
That just feels . . . right.
Yes.
Sigh.
I have recently been informed about a past man. A past man in my life that I was wildly passionate about. The passion that will let you fuck up your own life in all kinds of unimaginable ways and think about it later. The passion that still gives me butterflies when I see him. The passion that forces his thought out of my mind because it could seriously be dangerous to even think about going there. He fucked me…in multiple ways. My heart has never fully healed from the hurt he bestowed upon it…but damn…he had me. He so did. Thank god he got married and left a month after we broke it off…because my life would be so fucked right now. This post? Took me back to that passion. But when I look around my bedroom? I have so much more…love, passion, and an amazing sense of stability and self worth. Its funny though, the way things from our past can creep up unexpectedly.
I am so happy that you and I?
Are both in calm and peaceful spaces.
But the past does creep up.
And the lyrics of a song grab you unexpectedly.
“I have a bat. And you have to sleep sometime.”
Never had to say those words.
But they were in my head, and would have been out of my mouth without having to think twice.
One of those things my childhood prepared me for.
I wish it had not.
My childhood prepared me for many things that I have never again had to confront.
Sigh.
the comments always fuck with me. i have all this OH EM GEE I LOVE YOU KRIS shit to say in response, and then i read:
“that’ll teach you to haiku at me.”
and i’m lost. completely lost.
in other news, tropical storm julia’s making the headlines. I SLAY ME!
You are silly with your news of impending Julia doom.
Snort!
But I hope you would also return and share you thoughts about this post.
this? is one post (and song) I can actually relate to and not just feel. We are so very different in many, many ways. but in this? there is some sameness.
A connection, then.
Thank you.
Holy shitballs Kris, I went to visit Nigel. Nigel you are a DIVERSE and talented writer. For real about the boob autographs?
See?
Told you so.
Nigel is fabulous.
I *am* fabulous.
And for real about the boob autographs.
Anybody wants to add to my collection, just let me know.
I’ll make a collage.
Your stats are going to go nuts. And the IP address you see over and over again will be mine. I will come back to this post many times, reading and rereading.
There isn’t a single wasted word here…it is dense and packed and pulls me in.
After my first reading, I’m struck by your haunting words: “Because once there is chaos, there is always chaos again.” Those words? Could not carry more meaning. It would be impossible.
Also, the lure of dysfunction never releases its grip. Never. Old patterns are woven so deeply into the fabric of who we are. Falling back into old roles will always be a temptation. Every day, a choice is made. And with that choice, there is power. And freedom.
Love to you. So much love.
I wish Marian would return to read your words.
Sigh.
Thank you so much.
Your words today?
Mean the world to me.
i am not NOT trying to invalidate your feelings or your reality.
i am saying that video massively glorifies something that is actually very dangerous and lethal, as i think both of you know.
that video makes me very, very angry. of course you do not.
Dear Marian -
How do you exist in this world if you are this vulnerable?
I love you.
Kris
i am not vulnerable.
You and Nichole are my soul sisters.
I wont bring myself to watch an Eminem video because quite frankly there is not an artist who makes my skin crawl worse than him, but from what I’ve gathered… the scenario sounds all too familiar.
And the “once there is chaos there is always chaos again” line??? That is the my bible.
I heart you and your Julie!
I am not usually an Eminem fan.
And even here? I am not a fan.
But I am drawn, attracted, lured.
And I am not pleased to see that part of me . . . that pull of my past.
And my words?
I have found those words to always be true.
Once there is chaos there is always chaos again.