If you haven’t read Part One of this story? Do that first.
Mark has made me this appointment. He has correctly judged that I will not keep this appointment by myself, and so he has driven me here. I am all sad and shallow-breathed and stressed. I trail behind him like a small child.
Into the salon.
I play at being fascinated with something in my hands, but awkwardly? My hands are empty, and so I just look insane. When I look up, I see that Mark has taken a seat and left me to introduce myself.
ACK!
The woman is all big-voiced and cheerful, “What can I do for you today?”
I whisper my single word on the exhalation of a smallish breath, “Haircut.”
“Can I have a phone number?”
My heart is racing. I search my brain, but in this moment? I cannot remember our phone number. At all. I turn to Mark, “Babe?”
Mark recites our phone number, and the cheerful woman writes it down. Gives me a curious look, “And who is getting a haircut today?”
Another small breath, “Me.” And then I realize she wants my name, and so I add, “Kris.”
A few minutes of waiting then, in which I sit with Mark and try to regulate my breathing.
Inhale, exhale, inhale . . . exhale.
“Kris?”
Fuck.
OK, I can do this. I take a huge breath as I sit in the chair. I pull my hair out of its ponytail, and I say in an overly loud voice . . .
“I have not gotten my haircut in a long time. I hate getting my hair cut. Hate it. It has been a long time, and I just want it all gone. Well, not all gone. But shorter. As quickly as you can cut it and I am not good at small talk, so just cut it and let’s get this done.”
And I gesture wildly at my head to demonstrate the concept of shorter.
I catch sight of the woman’s face in the mirror.
It is all alarmed.
She comes close to me and puts her face next to mine. If I wanted to, I could turn and kiss her, but that would be inappropriate. The thought does cross my mind, however.
We stare together into the mirror, cheek to cheek. Her hair is sleek and black against my skin. I would like to touch it.
As I am contemplating the kiss and the caress of hair that I know should not happen, she says, “Telling me you want your hair shorter is not helpful. Did you bring a picture?”
I continue to chop at my head with karate motions of beauty . . . “Can’t you just make it shorter?”
“No, I cannot. Let me get you some books to flip through.”
She brings me two books.
The first is entitled, “Over-40 Hair,” which is way fucking annoying. Because even though I am over 40? How are there haircuts specific to this age group? I am not looking in that book. Fuck that.
So I flip through the other book and quickly give up in despair, “All of these women have done stuff to their hair. It’s all big and puffed and styled. I hate that stuff. I just want my hair to lie down and behave.”
“So far, then . . . we know you want short and lying down and behaving?”
Is this woman being all sexual with me? I glance over at her, but she seems oblivious.
The cover of the “Over-40 Hair” book shows a woman with short hair. It’s actually not that bad a haircut.
Hmmmm . . . .
I hold that book up, “How about like this, but maybe a little shorter and not quite so lesbianish?”
“I could do you like that.”
OK, seriously? How is that not sexual?
She stands behind me and runs her fingers through my hair. Several times. And then she squeezes my shoulders, leans in and whispers into my ear, “I know just what we’ll do.”
Did I mention the shoulder squeezing?
Oh my god.
I am all freaked out, and I say in a frantic rush, “I sort of forgot to mention that I have personal space issues. Huge personal space issues.”
I swoop my robe-covered arms about me in an enormous semi-circle of panic, “I would like for you to cut my hair from outside of this circle, but since I know you can’t do that? Please don’t touch me any more than you need to.”
She is alarmed again.
And so I say, “Sorry,” and I shut my eyes and breathe deeply.
She is all bossy now as I try to control my panic attack, “You want Jamie Lee Curtis, that’s what you want.”
Inhale . . . exhale . . . inhale . . . exhale.
Wait, what?
Oh, fuck it. The talking part is done. There are worse things in the world than walking around with Jamie Lee Curtis’ haircut. Fuck it.
And so I close my eyes and let the haircut happen. She moves quickly. I hear the snip of the scissors, and I feel the weight of my hair as it falls onto my lap and slips away. I open my eyes a few times, but as the eyes I see in the mirror are all wild with panic?
I shut them again.
And then she is done. She asks me if I want any mousse in my hair, and I swipe at her with impatient hands, “No, none of that. No. Not even.”
I leap from the chair, sending bits of my cut hair across the salon floor.
And then Mark has to pay, because I have forgotten to bring my purse.
And so I stand behind Mark like a small child as he pays and tips her heavily.
I examine myself in the mirror as he chats with her.
It’s not that bad. I do like my hair shorter.
Jamie Lee Curtis . . . isn’t she the one who does those ads for yogurt? The crazy yogurt that is supposed to regulate your bowel movements? Hee hee!
As we walk out to the car, Mark says, “It’s shorter than I thought you would get it cut. I like it. Did I hear her say she was going to cut it like Jamie Lee Curtis’ hair?”
I am more myself as we walk through the parking lot, “Yes, I like it. The problem, though? Is that every time I look in the mirror? I am going to need to use the bathroom. I am all suggestible that way.”
It takes him a minute, but then he is giggling hysterically.
And I am giggling too.
My hair is all cut.
Look at me, doing stuff like a normal person!
Sort of.
Shut up.
Plus also?
I am all regular.
Snort!
_________________________________________
GUEST POST ALERT!
I have a guest post up over at Lizzy’s blog . . . The Antics of Miss Lizzy. My piece is called A Moment Alone.
A more normal moment of vulnerability.
GO! Check it out.
Love you.
I think Jamie Lee Curtis is hot. She seems fun. LoL
I am glad you survived. And didn’t make out with the stylist. Altho, it is amusing to imagine Mark looking up from his magazine to discover his wife rolling around with the stylist…hehehe
OMFG. I got the 1st comment. I feel all cool now.
I needed that today.
You are all kinds of awesome!
Mark knows I would not actually roll around on the floor with the stylist.
But he does worry that I will run screaming from the salon.
He knows me well.
Hence, the supervision.
Hee hee!
Spectacular: haircut and laxative all in one! What’s not to love? And with minimal touching!
I know!
I am like a superhero now!
My appearance? Able to make people shit in their pants.
Oh, how awesome would that be?
I just need a catchy superhero name.
Hmmmmm.
Okay, I’m dying at the tag: “What I need is an Edward Scissorhands kind of stylist who can cut my hair from across the room”, because when I read this, I was thinking Edward Scissorhands with your swooping arms in big circles.
I’m sorry haircuts are so painful for you, but reading about it sure was entertaining!!
I am a crazy person.
Mark is so lucky to have me.
Right, babe?
Right?
You make me giggle daily!
Either tweeting or blogging.
I’m glad you survived the haircut. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Glad you’re feeling all regular too. I drink coffee for that. Yogurt is ok, but the minute a celebrity tells me I must try this?…not gonna happen.
The hairdresser, sounds sexy. Been trimming my own bangs and ends for years, maybe I’ve been missing something.
I survived.
Plus?
Every time I look in the mirror?
I giggle.
And that’s fabulous.
You are so cute when you’re pretending to be all normal.
And Jamie Lee Curtis? Married to Christopher Guest. Who is all totally hot and yummy.
So in a way, when I’m talking to you, it’s like I’m talking to Christopher Guest.
Only naked.
I just want to be clear that in this fantasy of yours?
I am Christopher Guest and you are Jamie Lee Curtis?
Which one of us is naked?
Either way is fine.
I’m just curious.
Does it really matter in the end, really?
Now pass the yogurt.
Snort!
It does not.
As long as there is nudity and yogurt.
And toilet paper.
I dont know if its because I am all mental as well today, but I just…well, I just love you.
Thank you for sharing. Just wow. Im so grateful.
LOVE you.
You are definitely mental.
Definitely.
And I love you as well.
Hey, an issue is an issue no matter how irrational it may seem to others. Good for you for taking a huge step. Also, my best friend is my stylist for two reasons. One, she does a fantastic job. Two, she knows me as well as I know myself and I can walk in, sit down, say nothing or say a whole bunch and still walk out with a fabulous hair cut that I had to provide NO direction for. Also, her coloring skills are amazing.
Plus also?
Although I appreciate the support?
I hate you just a teeny bit now.
you are all multitasky. getting your hair cut and regulating your bowels. I’m way impressed. and kind of hate myself for using the word way. but it was necessary.
this woman who cut your hair sounds hot. please to send me to this salon.
Not even.
You would just pump her for information.
And guess what?
There is more information.
She has blackmail power over me, this woman.
So no . . . she is my secret.
Snort!
hahah! now I see you like this spy woman getting secret hair cuts from hot hair dressers. you’re WAY hotter now.
Oh, I like that!
I am a spy!
With serious issues.
An unstable spy with all kinds of potential blackmail stuff in her past who tends to sexualize casual physical contact.
Ooooh . . . I am just what this country needs!
Snort.
I’m sure you look fabulously awesome with the short haircut… I’m sick today, irregularity being one of the symptoms… can I just eat some yogurt or do I have to get my haircut too?
That yogurt?
It works wonders, I have heard.
Sorry you are not feeling well.
Dr. Jamie will have you all fixed up in no time at all.
Poor baby.
if you look even remotely like Jamie Lee Curtis, that is a spectacular thing.
the yogurt thing is all distracting. that was a mistake on her part.
so glad you have that wonderful chaperone, Mark! for things like wallet and paying.
Jamie Lee Curtis is hot, but I am not Jamie Lee Curtis.
And the yogurt thing?
Way distracting!
And Mark is awesome sometimes.
He really is.
I think thats pretty cool that he would do that for you, or should i say with you. My sportsman would never go to get my hair done. but then again I go a couple times a month.
Mark has learned to be patient with me.
And then bossy when bossy is required.
Sigh.
can you talk about the part where she is running her fingers through your hair?
type slowly…
Do you still reach for your phantom ponytail?
Rene
Hee hee!
You are all dysfunctional yourself . . . love that.
And yes, I have reached to pull my hair into a ponytail about 8000 times in the last 24 hours.
My mind is slow to accept this new reality.
Despite not having the qualms you do with haircuts, I do hate the part where I have to be so descriptive about what I want done. When I was younger, to avoid this, I would just say “Do whatever you want” and it usually worked. Last time I tried that, with my regular hair dresser, it did not work.
Glad you made it through though!
Bravo! (for real, I’m honestly not being sarcastic).
Awww . . . thanks, you.
I am all weird, but also pleased with myself.
So thank you.
You should so be pleased with yourself! I have a friend who had a fucked up childhood as well and the thought of a pedicure or manicure is horrific to her. She often says she “can’t stand to be touched” and I never thought of it before, but she often goes a long time in between hair cuts.
She’s one of my favourite people. As are you.
Yes.
What your friend said.
Exactly.
oh come on-PASS the yogurt-you didn’t even eat it yet! Same hair issues here-exactly but no husband to accompany me. Just one that has the you need a haircut part down. They never do what i ask anyway-so why do they ask? Just trimmed my own and look like the woman in the Dilbert comic strip….
Hee hee!
The woman in the Dilbert Cartoon?
Snort!
Oh, I love you even more now.
Seriously.
lol… Did you really say, “How about like this, but maybe a little shorter and not quite so lesbianish?”??? I can’t stop laughing!!
As your token “lesbianish” person, Jamie Lee Curtis could go either way I think.. She is definitely hot even if she isn’t my type.
Much love to you!! :)
Yes, I did say exactly that.
When I quote myself here on this blog?
I said exactly that.
People love me.
Snort!