I got a small package in the mail yesterday.
Addressed to me.
I tossed it up into the cupboard to open when the girls weren’t staring at me.
It was addressed to me.
Later? After they had gone to bed? I opened it.
Inside? A small sweet note and more sweetness.
Candy!
Yay!
A while back? I had a conversation on Twitter about the fact that Canada has a different version of the Smarties candy. A version that is not available here in the United States! I was all outraged! I want this candy!
A Canadian woman on Twitter with whom I have gotten to be invisible internet friends offered to send me some of these Canadian Smarties. I am not identifying her here for reasons that will quickly be apparent. I emailed her my address, and she sent me the goodies.
And now they are here! Yay! Love that woman.
OK, so the girls are in bed, and I open up this package and take out the candy. Two boxes of Canadian Smarties and two packages of something called Coffee Crisp. I ignore the Coffee Crisp, and break open one of the Smarties boxes.
They’re not bad, these Smarties. Like M&Ms, but more colorful.
I like American Smarties better. Without the chocolate and with the potential for tongue aching rawness if you suck on them too hard.
But that does not mean I didn’t sit in front of the television and eat the whole box of the Canadian Smarties.
Mark walks through the room, “What are you eating?”
I explain.
He stares at me, “You gave our address to someone you met on the internet?”
I hold the box out, “Yeah, but babe . . . she sent me candy!”
Mark is all annoyed, and so I hurry to explain that this woman lives in Canada, for god’s sake, and that she is all sweet and lovely and generous and not at all a candy-offering pervert and that I can be trusted to make my own decisions about people. Geez.
Mark just stares at me.
I eat some more candy.
He sighs, “Did you at least check to be sure that the box was intact? That nobody messed with it?”
I assure him that I did.
But I so did not. That would be all kinds of paranoid.
OK, and then this next part? Is where I get to stop taking all the credit for the awesomeness that is Maj.
Turns out? Mark is also at play here.
This morning, I open the second box of Canadian Smarties, and I carefully separate the small colorful candies into two equal piles. Kallan walks into the room and immediately spots the candy. She scoops her pile into her palm and starts eating them as I explain how I got them.
She is delighted, “You should tell people to send you more treats, Mom! These are yummy!”
She carries them away with her, eating them as she goes.
And then there is Maj, “Why does Kallan have candy?”
“I have some for you as well,” and I explain again how I came to receive the candy in the mail.
She stares at the small colorful pile, “So let me get this straight. This is candy from a stranger?”
Snort!
“No, not a stranger, Maj. She is lovely. Promise.”
She stares at me, “Have you ever met her?”
“Well . . . no.”
“Then she is a stranger and this is candy from a stranger.”
Seriously?
“Fine, Maj. I will eat it.”
She elbows me away, “No, it’s mine. Just hold on a second,” and she pulls a small Ziploc bag from below the counter. She carefully places all of the candy in the bag. Zips it up.
“You’re taking them to school, then?”
She looks at me pityingly, “No, I am going to wait and see if you and Kallan are poisoned by this candy. I figure 24 hours is long enough. When did you eat yours? Last night?”
“Yes.”
“OK, then if you are not sick or dying by this evening, I will eat these.”
Oh . . . my . . . god.
I walk out of the kitchen and sink into the couch. Sip my coffee.
Maj yells at me from the kitchen, “Mother?”
“Yes, Maj?”
“This stranger with the candy has our address now? You gave someone you’ve never even met our address? That does not seem wise, Mother. Not wise at all. Does Daddy know about this?”
Oh . . . my . . . god.
The girls head off to school.
I pour myself another cup of coffee and pull the Coffee Crisp out of the cupboard.
Not even sure what this stuff is, but if the word coffee is in it, it’s got to be breakfast food, right? I open it and take a bite.
People?
Coffee Crisp is way fucking yummy.
It’s like a steroided pumped-up KitKat Bar all jacked up on caffeine.
Awesome!
Strangers?
Sometimes they are lovely.
And they have the best candy.
Snort!
I so love this. I’m probably too trusting, but I’m not hard to find at all. I don’t give out my address…and apparently I’m not cool enough to be googable, but if someone really wanted to find me, they probably could…and if they had candy, I might just give them directions.
and I got the first comment today :) Yep, that’s like twice now. Go ahead, gush about my awesomeness all you jealous Kris readers.
You are all kinds of awesome.
If you were here?
I would give you a bite of my Coffee Crisp.
Happily, you are not here.
Mark would be all pissed off.
Snort!
I am not a trusting person.
At all.
But this woman? Awesome.
And she was offering candy!
It was a no-brainer, really.
I recently gave out my address to someone I met on the internet, because she asked, and she is my friend. She wanted to send me a book, with my son’s name in the title, that she found while shopping and purchased thinking of me. Invisible friends can be so lovely.
Happy sighs.
Yes . . . lovely.
Although if this candy had come from Nigel?
Who is a lovely internet friend.
Mark would be all pissed off.
But I would still eat the candy.
Hee hee!
Which reminds me: did you get my box of rare Peruvian pornographic fetish dolls?
Those things were a bitch to insure at the post office, you know.
Hee hee!
Hush, you.
Mark reads these comments.
So I have no fucking idea what you are talking about.
None.
Plus also?
Amazing.
But hush.
nige
Okay, that was weird.
Anyway:
Right! I meant to ask if you’d gotten the bag of crack cocaine that I had sent you.
Yes.
The crack cocaine.
That’s what I meant.
Awwww . . . You are nige now.
Snicker.
And the crack cocaine?
Was fabulous.
As always.
Thank you.
nige . . . hee hee!
Yummy…I love smarties…and coffee crisp…i think i may have to go to the store and get some
my mom has a ton of friends online that are always sending gifts back and forth to each other…and apparently there’s a friend of hers who has Lemon Heads for me…I rarely am able to find them in Ontario (grrr) but I have yet to receive them…
Oh my god!
I love Lemon Heads!
I have a fondness for candies that hurt your mouth after a bit.
And Sweet-Tarts?
Swoon!
lemon heads are like one of my all time favorite candies…but highly impossible to find here…maybe i’ll have to check in toronto…and sweet tarts are awesome…very high on my list…
i’m actually not such a huge fan of chocolate…i don’t hate it, but i rarely eat it…which possibly makes me very weird as i’ve been told
I sometimes get a craving for chocolate . . . oh, maybe once a month or so.
Funny how that works.
But most of the time?
Not my favorite.
Ooooo, and now I want Lemon Heads and Sweet-Tarts.
Yum.
Lemon heads are available in Michigan…we’re just a short trip away. ;-)
I know that!
I grew up in Michigan!
But the Lemon Heads?
Are also available here.
So no need to go to Michigan.
Whew!
Yes!! Me too!! Sour Patch Kids with a side “a hole in the roof of your mouth” and warheads and sour straws…
Yes!
Pain with the sweetness.
A metaphor for my life.
Wait . . . what?
Ha, Maj. So Awesome. I am so much more the Kallan type. I like that Maj will wait 24 hours and if you two are ok, she will eat her candy. And that she put it carefully away in a ziploc.
By the sounds of things, Mark gets nothing?
(PS – do they know there is also a return address on packages? And thus you could theoretically turn around an be the stalker-pervert, potentially without candy, since you have already eaten it?)
Hee hee!
I did not tell them that I also have your address (although yes, I did notice).
Hee hee!
And Mark gets nothing.
He is all sassy.
Maj’s candy? Safely bagged and stored in the cupboard.
If we are alive later?
She will be the only one with candy, a fact that will drive Kallan WILD.
Those little things you call Smarties? Up here in Canada we call them Rockets. They are my son’s favourite (yes, Canadian spelling too) Halloween treat.
And I love our commercials that go like this;
Q- “How do you like your coffee?”
A- “Crisp!”
I know, Canadians are weird, but you love our candy!
Rockets?
That is a weird name!
Canadians are weird.
I love them, but Canadians are weird.
I think that eating little sour candies and calling them the name of a perfectly good candy-coated chocolate is weird…
Just sayin’ is all.
AND, I get salt & vinegar chips, which apparently are pretty hard to come by down south of the 49th parallel.
Yum!
I have purchased salt & vinegar chips at Trader Joe’s, so pffffftftfftftttttt to you.
Hee hee!
And I think that the Canadian Smartie is just an M&M wannabe.
So sad, a candy wanting to be a cool tattooed rapper.
OK, that joke is way fucking lame, but it made me giggle.
Eminem . . . giggle.
I know your invisible friend, she’s also my invisible friend. Although for being “invisible” I know a lot about her boobs. And she’s never sent me candy, nor have I sent her candy. But I will if she wants something we have in FL. Probably not though. Either way, I would have happily and quickly eaten the candy…you’re still here typing posts, so clearly you’re fine.
I’m a little bit of Maj and a little bit of Kallan.
My invisible friend is not actually that invisible.
Brandee is lovely.
However, I know little of her boobs.
What the fuck, invisible friend?
What the fuck?
Don’t you know Brandee’s boobs (spelled bewbs by her) are all the rage on the twitters?
In the words of you SNORT!
A secret?
On Twitter?
I tend to only pay attention to the discussions aimed at me.
I am all egotistical that way.
So unless Brandee aims the bewbs in my direction?
I am unlikely to go looking for them.
Snort!
All my bewb talk is breastfeeding or pumping related…..but there IS a lot of it.
I will now direct ALL my boob commentary at PAT, so she can be all informed and in the know of my bewb secrets.
Also, next bewbie Wednesday I will dedicated my avatar to you as well.
Oh, I am aware of the bewb talk, but as I am past the breastfeeding stage of my mothering?
Thank god.
I don’t generally engage on that topic.
And the Boobie-Wed avatars?
Those always freak me all the fuck out.
I get all distracted.
can i just interject here and say, um, boob wednesday is bad enough, i seriously cannot handle any more thong thursday. that shit is driving me insane! seriously, women. i cannot even manage it. thank you.
Yes.
I agree.
Stop with the Thong Thursdays!
You are distracting Marian.
And me.
Uh what the eff is Thong Thursday?
Wait, don’t answer that.
I have a come back for Mark:
Has Mark ever ordered anything online before, to be delivered to your house? You have no clue who processed your credit card number AND mailing address. Even if there is a company to back them up in case of fraud, an individual may go all rogue.
Someone with whom you converse with on a regular basis? Not as much of a threat.
You are welcome :)
Snort!
Did you read my tags, in which I mentioned that I may have ruined all candy for Maj?
Sigh.
I will likely not be using your argument.
I will never be able to order sex toys on-line again.
Snort!
You just had to go and write yourself a post about candy today, didn’t you? Today, when I am trying to be all low-calorie-healthy-no-sugary. Today, when there is a very low quantity of junk food in this house.
So when I paw through the boy’s odd toys bin, looking for a Star Wars Pez dispenser that still has one or two old stale tablets stuck in the head? Your fault!
OK, here in secret?
I will tell you that I have, in the past?
Rummaged through the girls’ small purses for candy while they are away at school.
And then I may have blamed the smaller badly behaved dog for the theft.
Allegedly.
Plus also?
Yum.
Mark and Maj would have a heart attack if they knew that I got on a plane and flew from Michigan to Kansas to meet a GUY I had met online at the age of 21.
Yes, totally out of character for me. But oh my god did I have a good time. Sometimes taking risks can be a great thing.
Really?
I want to hear this story!
Very badly.
It’s something I won’t post on my blog, but I don’t mind sharing via email.
Yay!
Share!
Yes, please!
kris@prettyalltrue.com
Got it.
Will email you back in a bit.
But you?
AWESOME.
Love that story.
DAMNIT. Just when I broke down, bought a box of Lindt Petits Desserts chocolates, ate 5 and then tried to walk away, you have to start talking about chocolates!!!
GRRRRR!!!!!
I have NO WILLPOWER!!!
Those guys are way yummy.
Resistance is futile once you have opened the container.
You knew that.
Silly deluded you.
I knew I shouldnt have bought it. It was so reckless. why didnt I just by a Coke Zero instead?
now Im thinking since its practically gone anyway…and once its gone the guilt can start fading…
EVIL!!!!
Ok, guess what?
Coke Zero . . . so fucking nasty.
Ack!
Plus also?
I find that when I decide to eat the entirety of something so that the “guilt can start fading?”
Guess what happens?
I then decide that as long as I am going to feel all shitty and guilty?
I should now get in the car and head to a fast food restaurant for some fries and a vanilla shake.
I am partial to Jack in the Box.
Yum!
well this is just an ugly spiral Ive got myself sucked in to…
And I was thinking pizza actually…
HA!
As long as a vanilla shake is involved?
I am all good with pizza!
Yay!
I’m a woman who met her husband through a personal ad. Not even online. In a tabloid newspaper (The Sun, I think it was). We’ve been married over 10 years now. Definitely worth the risk.
As for chocolate, I love, love, love it. However, it doesn’t not love me fitting into my jeans. So I try to behave. Sigh.
Never had Canadian Smarties, but love American ones. And Lemon Heads. And Red Hots. And….yeah. I like candy.
I have no compunction about taking candy from strangers.
Happy sighs.
I love candy.
Someday, I will tell the tale of meeting Mark.
Meeting someone on the internet? Or through a newspaper ad?
Looks all kinds of reasonable by comparison.
Seriously.
I ….MUST HEAR THIS STORY!! If it’s anything like your other stories, it’s going to be deliciously good. Did you sleep with him on the first date, or at least give him a blow job? Did you get married 2 weeks after you met him? Was he your boyfriend’s best friend and/or roommate…spill the beans, lady!!
I met my husband while my boyfriend was in training camp for the Marines. Not very interesting and even less so b/c I was 16. But, eh, whatever.
I am not, at the moment, at liberty to speak of our meeting.
Mark has sworn me to secrecy on this topic.
And I am all gifted at secret-keeping.
Ahem.
Perhaps another time.
It is a good story, though.
Seriously.
oh no. oh no oh no oh no. i will now be unable to think of anything but what this story might entail for hours. days. weeks.
or at least until the next sparkly appears in my line of sight.
whichever comes first.
Luckily?
Your life is filled with girly sparkle.
It so is.
Strangely I had the same conversation a few months back about some homemade caramel sauce. Whatever. The girl is my bestie and she makes a dam find caramel sauce.
Also? I went to Vegas this time last year to meet a bff that I’d never met before. We met because of Twitter. She’s my soul sister twin though. Truly.
Friends who send candies are good friends to have.
Oh my god.
You are all kinds of brave.
Meeting people in real life?
Ack!
Expectations!
Ack!
Although, if treats were promised?
I might be lured out.
Shhhh.
Don’t tell Mark.
Cough.
I’m the bff who sent her the caramel.
If you ever want to meet for a lunch sometime, I’ll bring you a jar too. :)
Hmmmm . . . .
I will consider.
I actually have a source for caramel sauce.
Mark’s parents send us stuff from this place in Michigan: http://www.sanderscandy.com/
Swoon.
I can totally vouch for Jenna. (and her caramel…OMG) She’s not a crazy stalker. Ha. Actually, now I’ve been to BlogHer twice. I’ve met more “scary internet people” than I could even begin to name. Never been axed to pieces either.
I will tell you something quiet honestly….bloggers? Especially of the parent variety? Are all pretty awesome. And equally geeky. :)
Oh, good God! Sanders! MMM!!!
Issa -
Guess what? Mark is paranoid about the folks I meet on the internet. Me? Not so much.
But I am paranoid about meeting internet folks in real life.
So between the two of us?
No real life meetings of internet folks.
Snort!
And Kmama?
Sanders?
YUMMY!
I met my husband online about 11 years ago. The first time I went to visit him, a friend of mine went bat sh*t crazy when I didn’t call her after I got to Oregon. She got out the phone book and started calling every person in it who had the same last name as I did.
Mark & Maj’s reactions seem tame in comparison to that.
In that situation?
Maj would be your bat-shit crazy friend.
She so fucking would.
Now I am feeling the very strong urge to commence an Amy Sedaris and Strangers with Candy marathon. Thank you for that!
I have never really enjoyed that show.
But David Sedaris?
Swoon.
Our very-awesome-because-they’re-Canadian Smarties and Coffee Crisp come in mini versions for handing out at Halloween. Yes, of course we give our children caffeine. What of it?
What I find even more awesome-because-Americans-are-bat-shit-crazy is that you don’t have Kinder Suprise eggs in the US. Because apparently it is hard for American children to understand that the contents within the bright yellow plastic egg in the chocolate egg ARE NOT FOOD but a little toy instead. http://blogs.consumerreports.org/safety/2007/02/candy_racks_con.html
Yes, here in The United States?
Our children are all kinds of stupid.
And the parents are all kinds of litigious.
So no Kinder Surprise eggs for us.
Sigh.