I have no idea what song was playing on the car radio, but Kallan is all intrigued as she listens.
“Did he just rhyme radiator with wake me later?”
Mark laughs, “Did he?”
Kallan is delighted, “He did! That’s the dumbest song rhyme ever!”
She giggles, “I bet he’s all impressed with himself. He’s all . . . hmmm . . . I want to be able to say that she should wake me later, but nothing rhymes with wake me later. Oh, I know! I will just break the car in the song! That will be perfect!”
Kallan makes me laugh.
She continues, “And now I’m sitting in my car and all listening to this song, and I am thinking to myself . . . Ooooh! He is talking in rhymes! Oooh! He is so smart and so fabulous! I love this singer who can work the word radiator into a song so casual!”
Her voice is all kinds of sarcastic, “Oh my gosh! He is so smart and I am so impressed! Wake me later rhymes with radiator! Wow! That is so fabulous! This guy? He is so smart and I am so impressed with him. He is like way smarter than many of the people I know.”
She pauses for dramatic effect, “Although? I do know some really stupid people. So this singer? He should not get too happy with himself.”
Seriously. Kallan cracks me all the fuck up.
And then sometimes?
She drives me up the fucking wall.
Yesterday, she is upstairs and she yells down, “Can I go over to my friend’s house to play?”
And I yell back, “No, you have homework to do, and it’s almost time for dinner. Maybe after dinner.”
And then I hear her say to her friend, in the snottiest voice you can imagine, “My mom is so annoying you wouldn’t even believe it. There is plenty of time for me to go play at your house, but she is just being hateful.”
And then, to demonstrate my hatefulness to her friend, she calls down sweetly, “Are you sure I can’t go to my friend’s house? Pretty please?”
I come to the bottom of the stairs and I say, “Yes, I am sure that you can’t go to your friend’s house. And because I am also sure that I just heard you being sassy and rude? You can stay home after dinner as well.”
Kallan’s friend snorts with laughter and makes a quick exit.
Kallan stomps down the stairs and goes ballistic, “What are you talking about? I was not rude and sassy! I was just talking politely with my friend! You need to listen carefully, Mom. I was not being rude. You cannot punish me for what you think you heard. I was not rude!”
“I know what I heard, Kallan.”
“Really? Do you, Mom? Are you sure? Because I was right up with myself, and I did not hear rudeness. I just heard regular old nice talking.”
“Well then you need to re-evaluate what regular nice talking involves. Because referring to your mother as annoying and hateful? That does not work for me.”
“I didn’t say that! I didn’t say that! I was explaining to my friend how I have homework and how we’re going to eat dinner and how I can play later! I did not say that you were annoying and hateful.”
“Sweetie, you need to cut this out. I was not at the other end of the block. I was at the bottom of the stairs. I heard what you said.”
She glares at me, “Hmmm . . . which one of us should be trusted here? The one who was way far away and not listening that closely? Or the one who owns the mouth that said the words?”
Snort!
“And besides,” Kallan continues, “You need to be careful about what you think you hear. You’re getting old, you know. Old and deaf.”
I put my hand up to my ear and cup it to catch the whisper in the air, “Oh, babe! Did you hear that?”
“What?”
“That’s the sound of a girl who’s going to bed early. Love that sound.”
And then there was incoherent screaming.
You can bet I heard that shit.
Sigh.
I tuck her into bed that night.
Early.
Give her a kiss.
She hugs me tightly and says, “If I fall asleep and there’s a problem with the car? Say with the radiator? You’ll come get me, right?”
This girl? She kills me.
“Yes, Kallan. If there is a problem with the radiator?”
I kiss her cheek and stand to leave.
“If there’s a problem with the radiator? I will definitely wake you later.”
“Night, Mom.”
“Night, silly you.”
Happy sighs.
_________________________________________
GUEST POST ALERT!
I know! I am all popular in the guest-posting world!
Today I am over at Katie Sluiter’s house . . . Sluiter Nation. My post is called Fighting for Place.
And as always?
I love that you make that extra click to come follow me.
Happy sighs.
aahhh i often hear the sound of screaming kids going to bed early too.. awesome sound huh?!
right now i hear the sound of shampoo being thrown out the shower at my 6 year old who is trying to peep in on his sister and i figure i’ll just let them duke it out and THEN use the ‘GO TO YOUR ROOMS and leave me in silence!’ afterwards.. cause i’m mean like that. lol ;)
you’re awesome!
I am awesome!
Sometimes.
Plus also?
I have done that thing you describe. Let them “work it out” in the name of good parenting because I know it will not go well and then I can just send them both to their rooms and get a few minutes of quiet.
Ahem.
Yeah.
Do you occasionally envision squeezing her head until it pops? You know, just in your head, not in any sort of crazy-bad scary mom way? Because as it stands now my son is just 5 and already giving the sass and some nights I suffer eye strain from rolling them at him so hard and on the really bad days I picture the squeezing….perhaps I should have kept this to myself.
Snort!
Squeezing his head.
What show was that? Where there was a guy who would hold up his two fingers and squint his eyes and pretend to squeeze the heads of the people around him?
“I’m squeezing your head! I’m squeezing your head!”
hee hee!
So funny!
It’s from Kids in the Hall!
I’ve seen that character before, but I don’t watch that show.
Nigel was right . . . that show is funny.
Crush Crush Crush!
Ah, I miss Kids in the Hall. I have so many one-liners from that show that virtually no one gets. *sigh*
Ooops! The wind!
Heh heh
I don’t think I have ever seen an entire episode of that show, but bits and pieces of it have apparently made their way into my brain somehow.
Love that head squeezing guy!
Look at you, Ms. Popular Guest Poster you!! Someday you will guest post for me?? Pretty please?
I know that incoherent screaming all too well. That incoherent screaming? That is synonymous with “the sound of a boy who is going to bed early.”
I would be delighted to guest post for you someday!
Although I am all sassy and never let anyone guest-post over here on Pretty All True.
Ahem.
Hate the screaming, but the quiet after the early bedtime is actually accomplished?
Oh, I love that part.
The screaming is terrible. But the quiet that comes after the screaming is the best quiet of all.
I will be at a conference the first full week in October…and would love to have you guest post on either Wednesday Oct. 6 or Friday Oct. 8. Are you game? No restrictions or anything. I may not be R-Rated on my blog, but that doesn’t mean my guest posters can’t be. ;-)
Sure!
I will take Wednesday, the 8th.
You know I can’t refuse you.
Thank you so much!!
SCORE!
Ahhh. Sass. I remember it well. My daughter has a wicked tone on her when she wants to.
This weekend? That tone was all thankful.
Having her car stolen took her sass away for a bit. So has her moving out.
Yay for my empty nest!
Kallan sounds like a lot of fun. But Maj. Maj intrigues me (in a “she would make a great character in a book” kind of way).
Kallan is all kinds of sassy.
And YES! Yay for your empty nest!
Maj is intriguing to me as well, but not in a “she would make a great character in a book” sort of way.
Snort!
More in a “how can someone who is so much like me also be so very not me” sort of way.
Kallan is right out there with who she is at all times.
Maj has secret stuff.
Secrets always intrigue.
(Happy Birthday to Mark!)
And it’s too bad Kallan and her fabulousness can’t be bottled up and sold. Of course, sometimes I wish there was an antedote for the “fabulousness” my kids possess, so I should be really careful what I wish for.
I have a habit of using yes/no ma’am and sir with my kids and my five year old has already perfected the sarcastic return of “Yes ma’aaaaaaaaaaam” that I do believe I perfected around that age. Sigh. Karma’s a bitch.
Hee hee!
You are the first person to notice that it’s Mark’s birthday.
If Kallan’s awesomeness was to be bottled up and sold?
I’m not sure who would want to buy that product. Perhaps other small children running low on sass. But if those children are anything like Kallan? They won’t have any money with which to buy the sass because they will have either . . .
a) Bought a sparkly comb and a gossip magazine with their last bit of money.
or . . .
b) Lost their allowance through the careless (likely purposeful) breaking of various sister possessions.
Kallan never has money.
That’s why she has to make her own sass.
Snort!
I. AM. KALLAN.
i’m never getting over that one. yeah. never.
Snort!
Do you not know me?
I am Kallan!
Snort!
Darn. I am not the 1st to notice it’s Mark’s birthday. *pout*
Well, Happy Birthday to Mark, nonetheless!
I fear that my children will be this witty in another couple of years. Kallan is not that much older than my kids. Please tell me that she’s like record-setting smarter than average. I don’t think I can get that good at comebacks in just 2 or 3 years. I’m just not ready for them to be that smart! I’m all old and slow. Altho not deaf.
Kallan is not always motivated to demonstrate her genius in an academic setting, but she is wickedly smart.
Wickedly.
Yes.
And Mark will be all pleased you noticed his birthday!
One time? I forgot it completely. And then his parents called that evening after dinner to wish him a Happy Birthday, and I still didn’t figure it out. It wasn’t until I heard him say, “What are we doing for my birthday? Nothing much.”
And then I was all . . . fuck.
He still gives me crap about that.
Ouch. >.<
I have not (yet) forgotten Hub's birthday. I have planned very poorly (he turned 30 this year & we really didn't do anything. I felt like total shit), but I have not forgotten. Yet.
I did, however, forget my dad's birthday. I even called him that day, just to chat. About 2 hours after I was off the phone? I realized it was his birthday. Total dumbass maneuver there. *sigh* He thought that's why I called the 1st time. So had I kept my mouth shut? I would've been off the hook.
I did that recently.
Called my mom and chatted for a while, and then she said, “Oh, did you want to talk to him?”
And she handed the phone to my step-father.
And I was all, “What the fuck? I did not even say I wanted to talk to him.”
And then there he was, all happy that I had called for his birthday.
Oops.
That old deaf thing is an awesome power to use. I love making my niece and nephew think I can’t hear a thing. But I? Can hear it all. (insert evil laughter) And then, when I release this great knowledge of their lives in front of them, they just think I’m physic. If only they could stay 8 and 6 forever. sigh.
I am not deaf.
I am not losing my hearing at all.
But Kallan?
She likes to fuck with me.
A lot.
Hehehehe
Oh, Kallan. I hope you don’t get too many gray hairs from her ;)
Too late, I’m afraid.
Too fucking late.
Your girls are are a trip! I love them, as long as they live with you.
I was not a good, patient mommy.
My daughter was careful with sass. However the eyerolling that started when she 11?
I threatened to poke those eyes out. A lot. I think I may have tried to chase her down once and truly aimed my fingers at her eyes. Maybe.
One time?
Maj (who is the best eye roller in the world), rolled her eyes way up in her head at the dinner table and tried to eat her meal without unrolling them.
A difficult undertaking, as it turned out.
The perpetual eye roll.
Snort!
While I am grateful that right now I am not parenting anyone that age (I have, though. shudder.), I see it coming. Soon.
But seriously?
“the one who owns the mouth that said the words?”
She is so very excellent.
It is so very very hard to keep from giggling when I am disciplining Kallan.
The one who owns the mouth that said the words.
Must . . . hold . . . giggles . . . inside.
Serious stern face instead.
hee hee!
Okay, so Kallan will make a grea lawyer is she so chooses. And since you’re a lawyer I bet she gets this sassiness and brilliance honest.
That’s it!! NO more commenting from the blackberry while driving. Its leading to many grammatical errors.
Snort!
Where do you live?
That’s a $150.00 ticket here in Oregon.
Texting while driving.
Bad.
South Carolina. Totally not illegal here, but pretty dangerous. I really shouldn’t do it. I’m working on it.
Me?
I would so end up in a ditch.
I always toss my phone to one of the girls when communication in the car is required.
I feel your pain…
my oldest, after hearing she may not have a popsicle, starts to cry. I turn to her and say
” are you really crying over a popsicle? really? really?”
and she stops and starts to giggle and says
“nah, that was just fake crying…WORD?!?!?”
Word? did you jusrt say word?
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Oh . . . my . . . god.
That is just hysterical.
Word.
yep. And this one KNOWS that if she makes us laugh? she gets off the hook.
If she tells the other one? we are entirely screwed.
So in other words? We are entirely screwed…
True dat.
Yes!
Kallan is always trying to make me laugh, because she knows I am all weak when I am giggling.
Maj is driven INSANE by Kallan’s talents, as she thinks none of this shit is funny.
At all.
“Punish her, Mother! What is wrong with you? Punish her!”
And neither I nor my husband can be remotely mature.
Maj is more mature than us.
no doubt.
Oh Maj. She will rule the world some day…
Mark and I are also incapable of maturity.
Especially when someone is screaming at us to stop behaving like children.
Maj despairs.
Oh that Kallan
Dear sweet Kallan
Yeah, she’s out there cutting your brake lines…
Sleep with one eye open…If you can stay up that late
on account of you being all old and shit.
Muah, ah, ah….
Snort!
I am not all old and shit.
Although Kallan?
She is going to be the death of me.
Laughing my ass off. Because I have two girls as well. (and a tiny boy) She’s dam funny.
Um…don’t mind me, I may be in your archives off and on the next few days. Somehow just found your blog yesterday. Hi. *waves* I’m Issa. Not a stalker…well not normally.
Hello, Issa!
I love stalkers.
Rummage about all you like.
Hi Kris!
I found your blog thanks to Issa up there. I too will be stalking, er reading through your archives here.
And hello, you’re an Oregonian? Awesome, me too! (Well, for the last 11 years, anyway).
Great post, I can’t wait (insert sarcasm here) for my daughter to get to that age.
Yay!
Another new reader . . . that is awesome.
We have only been in Oregon for 8 months.
We love it here.
Issa? MY Issa? Welcome! You’ll love it here. LOVE. IT.
Yay!