People? Your response to yesterday’s post?
Overwhelming.
Thank you.
Moving on . . .
Maj bought a small video camera a while back.
For the most part, the girls use the video camera together to record all sorts of activities and shows and spying. So fun.
And then there are moments like this . . .
Maj stands before me at the front door, her bike helmet askew. She is all breathless with the exertion of having raced back to the house on her scooter. She is here to present me with evidence of misbehavior. Her sister’s misbehavior.
Duh.
I try to escape, “Oh, babe. You know how I feel about you telling on your sister. I know she does not always behave, but it is not your job to report back to me. Unless she is in danger? I don’t want to watch this video.”
Maj is triumphant and holds the small camera up in victory, “Oh, but she is in danger. You do need to see this. Watch and learn, Mother. Watch and learn what your little angel is doing.”
And so I watch the tape. Sigh. Kallan and her two friends on their scooters. Out riding lazy big-ass circles in the middle of the larger street at the end of our smaller street. Just in case there was any doubt as to where the girls are riding? The camera zooms in on the street sign.
Sigh.
And so I send a vengeful Maj out to retrieve her sister.
And here is innocent Kallan . . .
“What, Mommy?”
“Where are you allowed to ride your scooter?”
“On the side of our street.”
“Anywhere else?”
“Nope. I know the rules, Mom.”
“Anything you want to tell me, then?”
“Nope.”
“Really? You’re going to make me send for Maj so that she can play her videotape for both of us?”
Kallan’s face twists with rage, “AUGH! I knew she was video-taping me! I knew it! She is such a big fat liar.”
“So?”
She smoothes her features back into innocence, “OK, so I did ride down to the end of the street and then go on the big street. But just for a second. Just to turn around.”
“That’s not what I saw. I saw you and your friends riding in giant big loopy circles, maybe ten big circles. In the big street. That’s not just turning around.”
Kallan stomps her foot, “AUGH! How long is this videotape?”
“Long enough for me to know you are lying to me.”
She looks at me, her face filled with sincerity, “We weren’t on the big street. It just looks like the big street because you are confused. Not everything you see on a video is true, you know.”
“I’ll tell you what’s true, Kallan. What’s true is that your sister zoomed in on the street sign, and there is no doubt about where you were riding. What’s true is that you are lying to me. What’s true is that as annoyed as I am that Maj is spying on you? You are not supposed to be out on the big street. What’s true is that I am going to start asking Maj to videotape your every move if you don’t come clean right this instant.”
“AUGH! FINE! WE RODE OUT ONTO THE BIG STREET AND PLAYED. IT’S NOT LIKE I GOT HIT BY A CAR OR ANYTHING. I AM GOING TO KILL MAJ. I AM GOING TO KILL MAJ, AND THEN I AM GOING TO VIDEOTAPE HER FUNERAL.”
Snort!
From behind Kallan, Maj appears and holds up her camera, “If I end up dead? You’ll go to jail. Because guess what? I just caught those sister-threatening words on videotape. More evidence of crimeful behavior. HA!”
Kallan looks at me, rolls her eyes, and mutters, “Yeah, like I don’t know how to use the delete button.”
Maj is incredulous, “She is threatening to kill me and then cover up the crime, Mother!”
Kallan snorts, “What would be the point of committing the crime if I didn’t have a covering-up plan? Duh.”
I wave my hands for silence, “Nobody is getting killed. Nobody’s funeral is being videotaped today. Listen up!”
Both girls stare at me.
I point to Kallan, “If I hear that you are out on the big street again? You lose your scooter for a week. Got it?”
Kallan agrees sadly, “Got it.”
I point to Maj, “And you need to think about whether you want to be your sister’s friend or your sister’s back-up mom. I appreciate that you care about keeping Kallan safe, but you are way too happy about being able to tell on her.”
Maj agrees, “We have had this conversation before, Mother. I am capable of remembering your words from one day to the next, you know.”
Snort!
I shoo them both out, “Go. Go play. Be sisters. Be friends.”
They sit together on the front steps to tighten their bicycle helmets.
Maj is thoughtful, “You had a great idea, you know. That thing you said to Mother.”
Kallan is suspicious, “What thing?”
“That thing about videotaping a funeral.”
And they walk off, filled with excited sister plans.
Kallan’s fish Snack the Huge died last night, by the way. The burial is scheduled for later this evening.
We’ll be videotaping the fish funeral, apparently.
That’s what Maj was talking about.
Right?
Ok so the hilarity if the rest of the post? TOTALLY lost in the uncontrollable laughing FIT over Snack the Huge!!!!
oh my sides! Got stuck… Oh dear me!
Barbarian fish name!
Fish of lore! Bwahahahaha!
Snack the Huge started out as a bite-sized morsel that was supposed to be immediately eaten by the turtle, Delilah.
But Delilah liked Snack. And then loved Snack. Delilah spent most of her recent days chasing Snack around the tank trying to mate with the fish.
And Snack ate stolen turtle food and got HUGE. And so became Snack the Huge.
He got so big that he was no longer able to navigate around obstacles in the tank.
And then he got stuck and died.
Sigh.
See?
I knew there was going to be a great story
behind that fish name.
Rest in peace, gentle turtle companion…
Nothing at our house is ever simple.
Even the pets’ names have stories behind them.
All of the pets’ names have stories.
Really.
Well, I would say you couldnt top the Snack the Huge story,
but I have been reading you for a while now…
And if life were simple? how bored would we be.
Really.
Love.
I may have told this story elsewhere, but when I was pregnant with Kallan?
If she had turned out to be a boy, Mark wanted to name the baby Jack. Jack is a great name, and comes from both sides of our family.
And for a middle name? Mark was partial to Daniel. Also a great name, from both sides of our family.
That would have meant our son was named Jack Daniel.
Ummmm . . . no.
Luckily? Kallan was a girl.
Fast-forward several years to the purchase of our second dog.
Mark insisted on naming the dog Jack, because he hadn’t gotten to name a son Jack.
Guess what the dog’s middle name is?
Hee hee!
Ha!!
Good stuff.
And since I have a cat whose middle name is Hulk Hogan, I completely understand how these things happen…
The cat’s middle name is Hulk Hogan?
Hee hee!
That sounds like a good story.
i have a dog that i really should have named Norman Bates.
Snort!
nowhere NEAR as good as Snack the Huge…
We each got a cat and before hand we named them. He insisted he wanted the girl cat.
I said I was going to name my boy kitten Linus (after that movie Sabrina, not the Peanuts character) and he said that was a wussy name, so to make up for it, his was going to be Hulk Hogan, which I forbade.
Her name is now Peaches Hulk Hogan.
who cares about having a macho cat name?
my mature husband!
ha!
Peaches Hulk Hogan?
That . . . is . . . awesome.
Perhaps if Maj turns Kallan in for certain behavior, they both get the same punishment? I’m interested in exactly how old these two are. Between my BF and I we have 4 girls.
Maj is eleven and filled with a need for everyone to follow all of the rules all of the time.
Kallan is nine and filled with the need to follow as few rules as possible.
Conflict arises.
And I have tried your approach without success.
Kallan will happily run into traffic naked and face the consequences if it means that her sister will get into trouble for telling on her.
Seriously.
Hmm. I can sense what I have to look forward to. The girls are currently 14, 6, 5, and almost 3. Hmm.
By the way, how concerned are you about the blackmail that Maj is most likely collecting?
You’re awesome, an obviously kindred soul. I’m just dipping my toes in this world of blogging and have been reading everything I can to get an idea of what’s out there. I’m addicted to your blog now and have been going back reading all the archived ones, and I can’t get enough!!
As for blackmail?
Kallan is not the only one who knows how to work the Delete button.
Snort!
And an addicted reader? My very favorite kind of reader.
Swoon!
Glad you’re back! I was a little worried. I do wish you could have found a way to sneak a “fuck” in there somewhere — you know, just for Jenn!
Love you!
Dana
I thought about sneaking a fuck in there.
But it didn’t feel right.
Maybe tomorrow.
Snicker.
Is it horrible to admit that the phrase “sneak a fuck” made me snicker? Should I be ashamed of my dirty mind? Or am I among like-minded folk?
Ooooh . . . I love you.
I know I noticed that.
And giggled.
Happy sighs.
I noticed too — and left it! Hee! Hee!
More on topic, however, is that what I forgot to mention is that when my sister and I were young(6-8ish), we shared a room/dresser, and I carved HER name on the top of HER her side of the dresser.
My mom’s response to her denial was, “Why would Dana carve YOUR NAME on the top of the dresser?”
My sister still tells this story — and we’re both over 40! Go, Kallan!
I’m going to forward this link to her — say hi to Dawn, people — so she can have closure. Dana has publicly confessed to her sin!
Your girls. You must have the most fun mom job ever!
Or you just cover up the insane, hair tearing out really well.
They do occasionally drive me crazy.
But mostly?
I giggle a lot.
A lot.
My daughter is almost 3. I am having a hard time with discipline because mostly I just laugh at her exploits.
Yes, Kallan gets away with a lot.
I do love to laugh.
Kallan knows I am weak when I am giggling.
Oh, the giggling…
They’re just so… perfect.
Yes. Perfect.
And Snack the Huge is the best. fish. name. EVER.
Poor Snack the Huge.
He’s Zip-locked in a plastic bag in the refrigerator at the moment, awaiting the funeral.
And just so you know?
He is way too fucking big to flush down the toilet.
Waaaaay too big.
Just today I said that I’m glad we only have one kid. Reading your words about these girls make me want to rip my IUD out and have another one. Just so Oscar has someone to video tape.
I giggled through this whole post, like usual.
And then then description of Snack the Huge in the comments. Awesome!
I don’t think I can adequately describe the unadulturated joy Maj gets out of capturing her sister’s misdeeds on tape.
And Kallan’s angry indignation?
Is a sight to behold.
It is wayyyy surprising to me that the video camera has not met with an unfortunate “accident.”
Way surprising.
I am just sitting here musing on the lack of death threats in my house.
Which means I do not get the pleasure of listening to my fairly bright and creative children evolve what would surely be brilliantly inspired conspiracy and cover-ups.
I am resentful now.
I mean, we threaten the cats all the time, but they seldom offer anything interesting back to us.
I’m wondering if I should start planting things that will rile up the ranks, so to speak. So I can get them thinking more deviously.
And just to be safe, if I don’t see you on Twitter by 10 am PST tomorrow, I will send out the cadaver sniffing dogs.
Who, I’m sure, have been trained to tell the difference between people and fish.
Both of my girls are very intrigued by death. Not with killing, but with the state of death.
Kallan has checked on refrigerated dead Snack the Huge perhaps 15 times today. Just to see if refrigeration really does slow down decomposition.
It does.
And so if you send out cadaver-sniffing dogs to look for me in the morning?
Be sure to check in the fridge.
Snort!
I am so not letting the kids know where the camcorder is. I can see my life now – watching video of one child taping the other doing wrong.
*sigh*
Isn’t great how they can use a very innocent face as they lie their fool heads off? I wish I could do that.
Seriously.
I have no good lying face – you can see me lie from a mile away.
My children – oh my… they are so good.
M
Kallan is an awesome liar. She is gifted.
Maj is a terrible liar. The worst liar I have ever met.
This means that when their stories of an event don’t match up?
Maj is either telling the truth? Or will quickly give up and tell the truth.
Kallan hates that.
Maj is so sassy!! I love it!
But only because she is not my kid. I’m the sass in my house and the two of us would off-put the universe.
Also…. RIP Snack the Huge. RIP.
We have three sassy women at our house, and yes . . . occasionally, we have problems maintaining a balance.
And I will pass along your condolences to Kallan and Delilah the Turtle.
Sigh.
Poor Snack the Huge.
Ha ha ha. Your kids are too smart. Too freaking smart. I don’t know how you do it. I guess though, having smart kids just forces you to be smarter.
And Buddy is such an enforcer of rules. But, according to him, he doesn’t have to follow them…he just enforces them. Grr.
Maj has rules she feels are not really rules, and she ignores those.
Most of those rules have to do with her attitude.
Sigh.
But actual rules? Maj loves those guys.
Loves.
I almost had a heart attack this morning. I tried to get to your website and it said “Access Forbidden.” I thought work had blocked me. But trying again later, I was able to get here.
I suppose a heart attack is a bit overkill, considering I can use my phone to get here…but I much prefer your actually site. ;-)
Whew!
I am blocked by some employers . . . Federal Government, are you listening?
Seriously.
I’m glad your workplace is so enlightened (or inattentive) that I slip through.
Yay!
Posts like these? Bring back a ton of fond memories of my sisters and I. Thank you for the nostalgia.
Love how you don’t let the turkeys get you down…you are up and running just like that.
AweSOME!!
Thanks, you.
I am not the sort to be permanently wounded by words.
Annoyed.
And then I move on.
I hope you have this blog forevah! mostly because I am waiting for Maj and Kallan teenage stories. they are going to be awesome!
If I survive to blog those stories?
They will be awesome.
Although by then?
Maj and Kallan may have taken my blogging pen away from me where they are concerned.
Maybe.
Do you think these two are just giving you little dress rehearsals for teen years? Do you plan to start posting videos? Would that blow them out of the water or would it just make them lethal?
Nah . . . I am not about photos and videos.
I prefer to paint pictures with my words.
And I will do my best to keep my girls from posting videos of me . . .
ACK!
Your girls are wicked smart. Devious. So entertaining. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you.
They fill my days with their devious entertainment.
I am way lucky.