OK, so I am going to just open with the acknowledgment that this is not one of my finer parenting moments.
So please do not comment about how I did not handle this well.
I am aware.
So the other night, I am in a bad mood. No particular reason, just cranky. It’s getting close to dinnertime, and no one has made any plans, and Mark suggests we go out to dinner.
Whatever.
Fast-forward to the four of us at the restaurant. Maj and I sitting across from Kallan and Mark. I am still in a bad mood, and so I am being quiet and sullen.
Although I do work up the energy to order a beer.
Anyway. I am regretting coming to the restaurant. I am just not in the mood to deal with my stupid family all close up and in my face with their idiocy. Seriously.
Mark asks me (as he often does), some version of the following question . . .
“When we were here last time, what did I order? Did I like that thing? The thing that I ordered? What was it, do you remember?”
And I just stare at him.
Seriously, how am I am married to this idiot?
I told you I was in a bad mood.
So I sip my beer and behave sullenly.
The food arrives. We eat in silence.
And then?
Kallan suddenly snaps. She can’t stand the tension at the table anymore, and she goes completely fucking insane.
Not even kidding.
She starts off by singing. We hush her.
She starts dancing in her share of the leather bench seat she shares with Mark. We squelch her.
She starts waving at strangers. We pull down her arms.
We might have gotten her under control, except . . .
I giggled.
What followed was insanity.
Kallan goes all fucking Uma Thurman/Madonna/Lady Gaga on us. She is singing and dancing and striking all kinds of suggestive and inappropriate poses. She is waving to the other patrons in the restaurant as though they are paparazzi attempting to take her photo. She is bouncing and then standing and then sitting and then standing and then bouncing and then kneeling and then posing. She is throwing her hair back and pursing her lips and standing again to throw her hip out to one side. She is singing again, she is dancing, she is posing, she is . . . insane.
Mark is furious, swiping and hushing at her with his hands, “Sit down, Kallan! Sit down!”
Kallan ignores him completely.
Dad is not generally the disciplinarian if Mom is in the room. Mom is the one to take control in this sort of situation. Mom will have to be the one to stop this.
And so Kallan looks at me to gauge my reaction.
When I say she “looks at me,” I mean that she pauses in the middle of a routine to stare at me through her sideways V-shaped fingers (a la Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction).
Let me be clear. Everyone in the restaurant is staring at us. We are completely disrupting the meals of the diners in the booths on either side of us. Kallan is entirely out of control.
But I can’t breathe through my laughter.
I try to shush her. I gesture frantically with my hands to get her to sit down
But I can’t breathe.
Tears are running down my face, and I am choking and coughing and just helpless.
And so Kallan carries on.
Her dancing becomes more frenzied, her voice louder, her movements bigger.
I finally manage to say the words, “Oh my god, Kallan . . . you have to sit down. Sit down. You have to sit down.”
And she says to me, “Hold on. I am almost done. Just have to flash a pic.”
I assume she means that she wants to finish the routine and then pose for a picture.
And seriously? I still can’t breathe. I am all tears and snot . . . my napkin completely ruined.
And the situation? It is bad. How can it really get any worse?
So fine . . . Kallan can finish the routine while I try to regain control. She’ll pose for that last imaginary paparazzi photo, and then it will be over.
Deep breaths.
Kallan is wrapping it up, and then she announces, “And now? I will flash a pic!”
And she stands in her seat, strikes a fabulous diva pose, and then sticks her right pointer finger as far up her nose as it will go.
Flashing a pic . . . of her nose.
I am destroyed. I fall forward onto the table, burying my hysterical laughter in my arms.
Kallan sinks triumphantly back into her seat, busying herself with eating her last few French fries.
Mark is furious. I can’t breathe or raise my face to look anyone in the eye. I cannot stop laughing.
Maj is incredulous and pissed, “People are praying that we leave, Kallan. Are you happy, now? People are praying that we leave.”
And from the booths on either side of us?
I hear agreement. They are praying.
And so we left.
Kallan singing and dancing happily out the door.
Maj filled with mortified rage.
Mark all kinds of annoyed.
And me.
Make a note, people . . .
Trying to make a dignified exit all weak with teary snotty hysterical laughter?
Not possible.
And not one of my finer moments.
I would have been laughing hysterically as well.
The image of this in my head is making me laugh. I can just picture Kallan shoving that finger right up there.
Kallan will stop at nothing to get a laugh.
Seriously . . . she will not stop.
I am all weak where she is concerned.
Honestly?
If I had been at a nearby table? I would have been, among other things, praying for you to leave.
If I had been at your table, however? I would have been laughing uncontrollably, crying, snotting, and everything else.
Once you start laughing like that, no matter how inappropriate it may be, you are a goner.
Tomorrow is another day.
Oh, I know.
I felt so sorry for the people sitting around us.
But I just lost it. All of my bad mood just flipped into hysteria.
And Kallan was crazy.
Oh my god . . . so horrible and yet so fabulous.
Sigh.
Don’t feel too bad. Me, my kids and my bff got kicked out of Friendly’s for telling inappropriate “Your mom!” jokes. (Examples – “Your mom is like a cell phone company….everyone is trying to get service” “Your mom is like the BP oil spill….everyone is trying to plug her hole”). My kids? 15, 12 and 10. I am such a bad influence.
Happy sighs at that thought.
We are generally well-behaved out in public. We are.
And normally? I would have hauled Kallan out of the restaurant at the first sign of a “show.”
But she caught me off guard and rendered me helpless with giggling.
Not one of my best moments, but one we will all remember for quite a while.
Snort!
Oh, how much do I love that Kallan? Words can not begin to amply measure the depth of my adoration. Because? She is yours, so I can appreciate her fully without having to deal with any of the consequences. And that? Is a girl full of glorious consequences.
The teenage years are not going to slide down easy, oh, no. But when all is said and done, when you get through all that, if things go the way they should and you have decades of adult child / parent relationship ahead of you, she is going to make a damn fine companion and friend.
And in the meantime? Double snort!
Kallan is indeed a girl filled with glorious consequences.
Love that phrase, by the way.
Kallan is the funniest person I know in this whole world.
Happy sighs at the thought of Kallan all grown-up and ridiculous.
Snort!
Oh, god. I’m dying here.
“When I say she “looks at me,” I mean that she pauses in the middle of a routine to stare at me through her sideways V-shaped fingers (a la Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction).”
Fucking genius.
Awful, horrible, delightful fucking genius.
Love. You.
Awful, horrible, delightful fucking genius.
Yes.
Mark and I are all kinds of proud and horrified.
Um… if I’d been at a nearby table I would have stood up and joined in.
That isn’t the natural response?
And you know what’s hilarious?
If you had done that?
Kallan would have sat right down and finished her meal.
Once she is no longer wielding the power of the awkward moment?
She is done.
I love it.
I love how you handled it. Even if it was totally and completely wrong.
Sigh.
I handled nothing.
Thank you.
Hee hee!
Seriously, I would have thought that she was either of two things.
A. Awesomely hilarious
B. Hysterically Awesome.
I totally wouldn’t have prayed for you to leave, I would have enjoyed the show. Although finishing your fries after you’ve shoved your finger up your nose is kinda gross.
Kallan was both A and B.
And Maj did mention how disgusting her sister was to eat fries with a finger that had just been up her nose.
Kallan ignored her and went giddily about the business of wiping up the last bits of ketchup with her finger. Licking it from her finger.
Maj was horrified.
Once again? Maj and I have something in common. In real life, you would fucking love me…I’m like both of your kids wrapped up in one. I’ve got a wicked sense of humor but I’m all logical and stuff too.
I cannot imagine my daughters combined in one package.
They are such polar opposites.
Although, actually? I am my daughters combined.
So if you are me?
I would love you!
It is difficult for me to imagine my daughters wrapped up in one package.
Oh, wait!
That would probably look a lot like me!
So if you are like me?
I would love you!
I’m with Sue. If I was at a nearby table, I would probably pray for you to leave…but if I were right there at your table, I would have been laughing hysterically too.
Last night, after just a terrible, terrible, mcfucking terrible day, I took my two year old out to eat with me. Just the two of us. I’ll be damned if he didn’t get right up in my face, wrinkle his nose up, and then growl (yes, growl) “Do you want a spankin’ mama!”. This was after I had just lectured him about sitting in his chair and speaking nicely.
So what did I do? I laughed. It was the only thing I could do. I laughed hard, which totally didn’t help the situation, but damn…a two year old all up in my face growling at me, asking if I want a spankin’? That shits funny.
See?
Exactly.
Sometimes at the end of a crappy day? When something entirely inappropriate happens?
Like say . . . your son growling and asking if you want to be spanked?
You just have to laugh.
Because that shit’s funny.
Exactly.
Yay!
I laughed the entire way through this post! I think that I do that every time I read you blog! I just love it!
I would have laughed along with you! I wouldn’t have prayed that you leave!
Yay!
Oh my god, though.
You should have seen the other people in the restaurant.
They were not happy.
Oh . . . my . . . god.
I cant see a thing wrong with that situation.
the people that made you feel bad should be takes notes.
spontaneous displays of happy energy fucking rock.
TAKING notes. Sorry.
grrr spelling errors…
Kallan rocks.
Snort!
Kallan does rock.
She so does.
I felt guilty for making a scene, but I did not feel guilty about laughing.
I love laughing.
And yes . . .
Spontaneous displays of happy energy fucking rock.
Sounds like Kallan knows just what you need! Even if that something happens to be loudly disruptive to fellow diners. As if the kids of those other diners have never acted all crazy.
Kallan hates a bad mood.
She hates cranky silences.
She just snaps.
And will not stop snapping until the mood is broken.
Kallan is lovely that way.
I love these moments, as I have them often. When I get tired anything sets me off and then I can not stop laughing to the point my stomach aches. Being a new mom, being tired is always a given, so laughing uncontrollably (not sure a word) is something I am very familiar with.
Yes!
It was only because I was tired and crabby that I was so vulnerable to her antics!
It was hideous and awesome, all at the same time.
Hee hee!
I LOVE HER!
I think your reaction would be my reaction. Funny is funny. Even when it needs to be told to sit down and behave.
Oh my god.
Kallan is so hilarious.
She gets away with so much because I can’t stop giggling.
Love that wicked girl.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ohmygawd!!
Stop… just stop… my ribs hurt from the images in my head… ohmygawd….
Will you ever go back to that restaurant?
Sorry, I know I shouldn’t laugh so hard but I can totally see my daughter doing this! It’s good to know it’s not just me and mine!
M
That is by far the best laugh in a comment ever.
Ever.
Love that.
And yes, I believe we will go back to that restaurant.
They have good beer.
Hee hee!
I love it… you will go back because they have good beer. I get that. Totally.
Of course they may have pics of your daughter near the door with the words “Warning” underneath…
M
ps- IF that happens, not that I wish it or nothin but IF it happens – take a pic!
Thank you!
It’s the closest brewpub to our house. Love that place!
If there are WANTED posters of Kallan posted?
Or actually . . . UNWANTED posters?
I will take photos.
Are you kidding?
Of course I will.