Quondam

Hook of menace

First?  Look to the right . . . See those four blog buttons?  Go there and check out those posts.  And if you want to know how those blog buttons came to be there?  And if you want your blog button to be there?  Read this.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

This is an actual conversation I had with Mark last night.

I swear to you.

We are lying in bed.

And Mark says, “Damn it, I meant to turn off the ceiling fan,” and he gets out of bed in the pitch black room and makes his way to the wall switch on the opposite side of our bedroom.

If this was me?  I would be crashing into the base of the bed right about now, and so I say, “Be careful, babe.  It’s really dark.”

“Don’t you worry about me.  I have bat-like spatial skills.”

Snort!

And he gets back into bed, pulls up the covers, “You want to worry about something, worry about that hook in the bathroom impaling my brain stem.  That’s what you should be worried about.”

Wait . . . what?

And so I say, “Wait . . . what?”

He explains, “In the bathroom, on that small wall next to the shower, there’s a hook.  And every time I get out of the shower, I am aware of that hook and how easy it would be to fall against it and then I would just be dead.  Hanging on a towel hook.”

I am snorting with laughter, but he continues all seriously, “Babe, I have seen that sort of thing in the movies.  Doesn’t even have to be that sharp.  The base of your brain,” and he guides my hand to the back of his neck, right at his hairline, “is all vulnerable right here.”

I am giggling hysterically, “Really?  You spend a lot of time worrying about being impaled by towel hooks?”

A hook filled with menace.

He is stubborn, “I’ve seen what those hooks can do.  I’m staying away from that thing.  I never turn my back on it in case I suddenly trip and fall backward, and then there I am . . . dead on a towel hook.  You should take this more seriously . . . I have seen this in the movies.  It’s scary shit.”

Tears are streaming down my face and I cannot catch my breath, I am laughing so hard.

Mark does not giggle, “You don’t use that shower.  You don’t know.  It’s dangerous in there.  Go check.  Right at the base of your neck is not a good spot to be impaled.”

I do not get up, “Sweetie?  If the hook hits the base of your neck?  It will be at the top my my head.  I am shorter than you are.  Duh.”

“Fine, it’s just a constant danger that impacts only me.  Laugh all you want.  See how funny it is when your husband is hanging from the bathroom towel hook.”

I . . . cannot . . .breathe.

And then he says, “You never wear stilettos.”

Which is a statement of fact.  I hate high heels of any sort, and if I can get away with wearing gym shoes?  Those are the shoes I am going to wear.

But I assume Mark is going to reveal some stiletto fantasy, which is all good.  I can wear the shoes lying down . . . it’s just the walking thing that fucks me up.

So I wipe my tears of laughter and try to get myself under control.  Bring on the sexy fantasy!

But then he says, “Yeah, it’s a good thing you don’t wear stilettos, because those are some dangerous pointy shoes.”

“Oh my god!  You’re worried about brain-stem impaling again!”

“Kris, a stiletto can be used to stab you right in the brain.  I have seen it happen.”

I manage to choke out, “In the movies?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.  Anyway, if you did have stilettos?  You would just break a leg.”

Another statement of fact, but, “Hey!  Are you saying I wouldn’t be sexy in those shoes?”

“Not walking, no.”

“Hey!”

“Well, I guess if you practiced enough.”

“Hey!”

He is tired and he is falling asleep, but guess what he says next?

“You know what would be sexy?  If you ever did figure out how to wear stilettos?  I could take you walking on the steel bridge.”

What the fuck, right?

Wait a second . . . “You mean the steel bridge as in the bridge with a million small holes in it?  So that I would trip and fall to the ground endlessly as I tried to navigate in my stiletto heels?  What is wrong with you?”

“I’m just thinking it would be harder for you to catch me and stab me with your shoe if both of your legs were broken.”

“You are insane.  I am writing this shit down,” and I reach to grab the pen and notebook I keep on my nightstand.

He reaches to touch the back of my head, “Careful with that pen.  Pens can be used to stab you right in the brain.  I’ve seen it in the movies.”

People?

What the fuck?

Plus also?

Guest Post Alert!

I am all silly and not quite truthful over at KMama’s house today.  An interview . . . with me!  By me.  Sort of.  The post is called Cookies for David. Because I love David.  Swoon.

Check it out!

    105 comments to Hook of menace

    • I also saw Very Bad Things, and I am also now paranoid about wall hooks.

      Tell Mark to call me if he wants to start a support group.

      Also to get off his ass and just Take The Damned Thing Off The Wall.

      • Hee hee!

        I never watch scary movies. I would not be able to function.

        Ack!

        And guess what?

        Mark likes to hang his towel on that hook! It’s all convenient.

        It’s just that after he takes the towel off the hook as he steps out of the shower?

        The hook threatens him.

        Hee hee!

        Plus also?

        Rental house and no inclination to change things that do not actually attack us.

        Hee hee!

    • I love you. You make me laugh.

      That is all.

    • LOL!!! Too damn funny!

      Tell him to quit watching so many movies and worrying about things that could happen from those movies!!

      • I never watch these movies with him.

        I am way too visual a person, and the images in scary movies?

        Scare the crap out of me.

        I would never sleep again.

        Silly Mark.

        Although he never has trouble falling asleep.

        At all.

    • Hi, I’m new here! My friend Krumpet (not her real name but wouldn’t it be awesome if it were?) pointed me in this direction. And I am glad. Because you are awesome. Much love, Vicki

    • I too have worried about hooks like those. I swear to God. Mark is not alone in this fear. But the vision of you trying to run after him on a steel bridge made me giggle. I can see it. “You can’t get me!!” That’s when you take it off and throw it at him. If you have a good throwing arm that is. And before you break your legs trying to walk on the steel bridge….

      • Oooooh . . . yes!

        I would throw these stiletto heels like Ninja stars of death!

        Right into the base of his brain.

        That will teach him to fuck with me.

        Snort!

    • mandie

      He’s right, you know. Freak accidents happen all the time to the least expecting people.

    • Shawna

      Maybe Mark has had a vision of his own death?
      I am firmly convinced I will die falling down a set of stairs. Oh, but it gets better, I’m not going to fall forward & tumble down the stairs…
      I’m going to slip and hit THE BACK OF MY HEAD. That would result in, you guessed it….damage to my brain stem.
      Crap, this makes me totally on Mark’s side.
      I can see how the hook could worry him, but then again, I worry about a lot of things…
      Does he worry about germs too or is that just Maj?
      Holy crap! What about germs on the bottom of the stiletto??? It’s enough to keep a girl up at night!
      Good thing my stilettos never hit the floor…

      • I think Mark has less a vision of his own death than a vision of his own stupidity.

        Watching scary movies in which people hang from bathroom hooks and get stabbed in the head with pointy shoes.

        That’s just stupid.

        Mark is not a worrier by nature, part of the reason this exchange made me laugh hysterically.

        And if I did own stilettos (which I don’t, for obvious crazy-husband reasons), they would never hit the floor.

        I’m with you on that.

        Totally.

    • I am the freaking queen of stilettos and I have once or twice thought of shanking someone with a stiletto when they pissed me off. Just sayin! LOL

    • bec

      ok, one? the tags you used for this post are killing me. freakin’ hilarious.

      two, to be a fly on your wall and to hear these conversations in real life. i can only imagine. yet another post that just entertains me to the core. thanks for sharing!

      • Mark always gets annoyed with my tags as they are (according to Mark) supposed to serve some SEO (that’s geek-speak for search engine optimization) function.

        According to Mark I just use my tags to fuck around.

        Ahem.

        He has a point.

        But how much do I like fucking around?

        A lot.

        Love my tags.

        Thank you!

        • OK, and now that has made me laugh.

          Because clearly the entire phrase search engine optimization?

          Is geek-speak.

          Not just the acronym.

          Snort!

    • CDG

      While I’m quite certain we are not married to the same Mark?

      The similarities make me giggle.

    • 2 things – 1- I seriously need to remember to put the drink down while reading any blogs from now on. Between you and Cass (from Casa di Cass) and you I end up wiping my monitor off from my laptop at least once or twice a week! I never seem to learn.
      – 2 – You have to frig with him just once now – see if you can sharpen the hooks just once. Or just put a sharp cone of something on them JUST ONCE then take the hooks down. Just to see what he does… not to hurt him mind you but just to get a good reaction…

      M

      • I always love the image of readers choking on a drink as they read.

        Yay!

        And you know me too well!

        The very first thing that popped into my mind was how to go about sharpening this hook.

        Snort!

        But Mark would not be amused.

        And he would stand in the bathroom all crabby and gesturing.

        And then he would perhaps trip and stumble backward.

        And then be hanging from a towel hook . . . just like in his visions.

        Especially as I have now blogged his fears?

        That would be difficult to explain to the authorities.

        Pretty sure.

        Snort!

    • Nicole

      BWahahahahahahahahaha!!!
      Good stuff you!
      ha! oh Mark…

    • Ok. Falling on that hook? Irrational fear.

      The real danger is the shoulder strap of seatbelts. I’m sure if I was ever in a seatbelt requiring accident, that shoulder strap would for sure sever my jugular. I would bleed out before the emergency personnel could arrive. And to add insult? I’m also sure it would nip off a nipple in the process.

      So Mark needs to stop worrying about silly things like bathroom hooks.

      The stilettos. Different story. In the hands of a professional they could be deadly.

      • I am giggling so hard . . . tears.

        Not at the severing of the jugular, but at your concern that a nipple will be nipped.

        Snort!

        What sort of “professional” would be handling these deadly stilettos, by the way?

        Inquiring minds want to know.

        Hee hee!

        • Why…Ninjatutes! Who else?

          • I . . . am . . . dying.

            Oh my god.

            • lelisa13p

              Oh! Gaahh! That last exchange has killed me for sure! Tears & hiccups – BIG ASS ones – have done me in. Ninjatutes! Aaahhh! (LOLing all over the place)

              Do you now have plans to incorporate the Hooks of Death into your outdoor Halloween decorations? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

              Uma Thurman would be my choice for the Stilletto Doll of Death, you know, what with all that Kill Bill stuff. Oh, jeez, your Hubs is a hoot! *grin*

              • Ninjatutes . . . hee hee!

                We don’t usually do much for Halloween as far as decorating. Halloween has never been one of my favorite holidays.

                But fucking with Mark?

                I do love that.

                I will have to give this some thought.

    • Kris,

      CSI will not be needed if Mark is found impaled on the killer horror bathroom hook of menace, death and dry towels. Or if you, in broken stilettos and with broken legs, are discovered at the bottom of the holey bridge. Today’s post will convict everyone involved. And the insurance will never pay up, so what is plan/fantasy B? Could it involve doorknobs of doom or those tiny little silver purses that rich girls could choke on?

      • I know!

        I am now reconsidering the wisdom of putting up this post.

        What is Mark is actually killed on that towel hook?

        I will be all kinds of screwed.

        And doorknobs of doom?

        You are weird. How would a doorknob harm you?

        Unless you were naked and backed up into one, and it could be argued that there is no real harm there.

        And why would girls be sticking small silver purses into their mouths?

        I am off to Google a few things.

        Be right back.

        • Oh my.

          There is a word for the doom that comes from doorknobs . . . check out Gnohb.

          As for the tiny silver purses?

          I see no news items about rich girls choking on them.

          So that’s just wishful thinking on your part.

          Pretty sure.

    • Veronica

      You know? I totally have nothing to contribute here (I’ll leave the funny/insightful/also-have-irrational-fears-to-share comments to the other more well equiped readers). I will say, howeber: I giggled like a school girl while I read this. Thank you, again, for your wit and your willingness to dime out your hubby’s insecurities for my amusement. Definately appriciated. :)

      • Snort!

        Mark is all good with being dimed out.

        He loves Pretty All True.

        And me.

        And this post?

        Makes me giggle.

        A lot.

        hee hee!