NOTE: There is a “not safe for work” photo in this post. If you are reading this at work? You are not safe. Snort!
After yesterday’s post? I have a few new male readers.
Ahem.
Hello, boys.
I am not always like that. Just so you know.
Snort!
Today, I am all thoughtful. Pensive, even.
Thinking about a list of physical requirements I read yesterday in a job listing.
Not to worry, people. I have no plans for gainful employment. I am still all fucking hopeful that the path to fame and riches begins with this blog.
OK, yes . . . I am giggling too.
Anyway, this job listing was for a fairly high-level position with a local university.
Way boring, but I was sitting here all bored and wondering why this paper was on my desk. Reading.
Hmmmm.
Hee hee!
Check it out . . . under WORKING CONDITIONS . . .
Normal office environment. The worker may be required to function in narrow aisles or passageways.
What the fuck, right? No fat people need apply.
And then? Because I am insane? I imagine the initial screening process for this interview being held at a children’s playland. After hours. In the dark.
I will be in charge (it’s my fantasy), and each candidate will be asked to navigate through one of those enormous colorful tunneled mazes, and anyone who gets stuck in a plastic tube?
Eliminated.
OK, I was thinking that this part of the selection process would happen in pitch black, because . . . duh . . . how much more fun are small enclosed places in the dark?
But then I realized I was losing sight of the goal . . . this is not about fun, people. This is about making important employment decisions. And how will anyone be able to see who is stuck in a tube if it is pitch black?
OK, so we will need flashlights. One for each candidate so he can find his way.
Luckily? I received an email from Male Sex Toys UK yesterday offering me a 10% discount on the purchase of flashlights.
So of course I clicked on that email, because I was all curious about what special features flashlights from Male Sex Toys UK might have.
Shut up . . . you would have clicked the link. You know you would have.
OK, and so that’s when I realized that I had misread the email’s subject line.
Not flashlights, but fleshlights.
And then? I giggled hysterically.
Because fleshlights are not about illumination, people. Not even.
Check it out:
Of course they vibrate . . . duh.
And now? I am thinking that those candidates we are sending through the primary-colored plastic tunnels to prove their fitness for employment? They don’t need light after all.
They need fleshlights. In the tunnels. In the dark.
After all, we’ll hear them yelling if they get stuck.
Snort!
On that note? I’ll need to size the fleshlights to the candidates. The website is quite clear that accurate measurements are required to be sure one is buying the correct fleshlight.
That’s not a big deal . . . we’ll just add a line to the application . . .
Penis length and girth:
People? I was fucking born to work in Human Resources.
OK, so we’re in a McDonald’s playland after hours. Pitch black. Maybe twenty male candidates all sent into the plastic tubes with helpful fleshlights.
We’ll set a timer. Maybe 15 minutes. That’s enough time, right?
Anyone who fails to emerge from the tunnels after the 15 minutes has elapsed?
Is either too fat to work for me or way too interested in his fleshlight to be of much use to me in a professional capacity. I’m hiring for a university, people. We can’t just be walking around with our dicks in fleshlights all day.
There is work to be done.
Focus.
OK, so we’ll round up the happy candidates who have emerged successfully from the tunnels within the allotted time.
Let’s see . . . we need to move on to the next qualifying employment round.
Let me check what else this job requires.
Oh my god.
Check it out . . . under PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS . . .
Climbing, balancing, stooping, reaching, standing, walking, pushing, pulling, lifting, fingering, grasping, talking, hearing, repetitive motion.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Hmmmm . . .
Now all I need to do is figure out some way to test these remaining candidates’ fingering skills.
And because I am all multi-tasky?
Perhaps there is a way to simultaneously get a feel for the candidates’ abilities in the areas of pushing, pulling, grasping, and lifting.
Oh, and don’t forget repetition.
Hmmmm.
Ooooh . . . I know!
I am all geniusy!
People?
I was fucking born to work in Human Resources.
Snort!
I think you’ve found your calling! You should start looking for that HR job! I bet… I bet that the makers of the Fleshlight would hire you as their HR director!! LOL!
I am all geniusy over here.
Pay attention, people with money to pay for this genius.
Tired of being all penniless and fabulous.
Fleshlight people?
Call me.
Lady, you rock my whole world. I can’t believe you hadn’t heard of the fleshlight before. google the promo video for it. I can watch that chick fondle the fleshlight over and over.
I am sooooo going to go find that promo video.
I will be back.
OK, that video?
Yikes.
Plus also?
Swoon!
exactly
OK, I am just so dying to be first commenter again – but can not for the life of me think of anything to add to this post. It is perfect.
I am also caught up in such a fit of giggles, and very grateful that first born male child is no where near. Because you KNOW he would need to see what I was laughing about. And this post? Nuh, uh, no way, back off, 8 year old. You have now made me hiccup with silliness.
That you are hiccupping with silliness?
I am all kinds of pleased with myself.
I was all giggly as I was typing.
Mark is all, “What is wrong with you?”
Ummmm . . . nothing.
Snort!
You canNOT be serious. Only you could tie together an email advertising fleshlights and a job listing with ridiculous requirements and make it not just interesting, but mother-humping hilarious.
I am all kinds of weird and wonderful connections over here.
Yay!
This one really needed the sexy alarm as well.
Not work computer appropriate!!
(Unless I worked in human resources, of course!)
Flesh lights? Fingering??
Needless to say, this comment is being typed from phone.
Also must add I adore sex toys.
And you.
Possibly together.
Especially if u keep talking about sex so much.
That is all.
Here’s the thing.
I was going to talk about what a pain in the ass the girls were as they headed out to school this morning.
And then I was going to talk about Halloween.
And then I typed hello to my new male readers.
And then I got distracted.
Snort!
::tears of laughter::
regarding the caption you added under the fleshlights that ‘of course they vibrate…duh’
It made me think of watching the Howard Stern movie “Private Parts” where the woman gets on the speaker and turns up the base and Howie does the lip thing where he buzzes? vibrates? his lips…. So disappointing to find out that straddling a speaker while someone with a microphone buzzed into it wouldn’t bring you off..or maybe we were doing it wrong. heehee!
You did that with the speaker?
That is so fucking awesome!
Oh my god.
Love you!
HR is so your calling…and I think I should work at this university…
I know!
And this university?
They should so call me.
I would be awesome.
pushing, pulling, lifting, fingering, grasping, talking, hearing, repetitive motion
what kind of “university” is this?
also?
I’m seriously never going to be able to look at a Playplace again without thinking of Fleshlights.
Thanks.
That is the actual language lifted directly from the job listing.
Swear to god.
A prestigious university here in Oregon.
Really.
And if I have tied Playplaces and Fleshlights in your mind?
My day is all fucking made.
Yay!
I’ll pass on the playground. Too public. But a collapsed mine, for 17 days, that’s worth exploring (and you might get a book contract out of it.
Deal.
I’ll bring a flashlight.
And a fleshlight.
Just in case.
Sorry but I am totally distracted by the fleshlight with the plain, vertical slit in it. Lady bits and buttholes and mouths I understand….what’s that one for? People who like to fuck inanimate objects? In which case, why would they need a special inanimate object to fuck?
I am so confused…
Perhaps that one is intended to look like the tip of penis?
But why would a man want to fuck a penis?
Hmmm . . .
I think it might be to service those men who fantasize about sticking themselves into the coin-slot of a vending machine.
Yes, that’s it.
Pretty sure.
Snort!
The idea of a man having a coin slot fetish has me dissolving into a fit of giggles. I can hardly breathe. So damn funny.
Your going to get me fired for laughing at work! Plus the job your hiring for was only for penises so I would be screwed. Hehe, screwed.
You can get fired for laughing at work?
That’s not right, babe.
And if I were in charge of hiring?
You would so get a job in my department.
But for the purposes of this fantasy?
Penises were required.
Hee hee!
Well, I came here on the work computer, thinking, “What could go wrong with ‘Let there be light’” Oh my god. Seriously?? Fleshlights??
Did I ever tell you that I work in Human Resources. In higher education?? I can’t stop laughing. Except we don’t add “fingering” to our job descriptions. However…when I worked at a hospital, we did add “fingering” to our job descriptions. Much hilarity ensued.
There are no mistakes here on Pretty All True.
But things can go horribly wrong.
Snort!
And what on earth does fingering mean if it doesn’t mean what I think it means?
Seriously . . . what?
“Fingering” is an old term, meaning to handle or touch something. Basically manual dexterity. We kept it in the old job descriptions because it was funny as hell.
Us HR people can have fun too. ;-)
OK, that is so fucking hilarious.
Wouldn’t someone go through and insist that “fingering” be switched out for “manual dexterity?”
So funny.
Also, why does your Top Mommy Blog badge say “We are #6″, but when you click on it, you are #1??
Because they have made some changes that I HATE.
Now, even though I am #6 overall? Your vote bounces to a page on which I am shown in my CATEGORY ONLY (humor), in which I am generally either #1 or #2.
Hate that they have put me in a smaller box.
Hate it.
Ack! Remind me to never open your blog at work again. Wait a minute…
:::scrolling back up:::
Ack! LOL!
Also? When did waking and talking become PHYSICAL requirements. How lazy have we become?
Most of the time?
Perfectly safe to open my blog at work.
Most of the time.
Ahem.
Oh holy shit. Kris, that photo needed a warning label. Seriously. Snort.
I tried to find a G-Rated photo that got across the details of the fleshlight.
No such photo could be found.
Hee hee!
Motherfuckin difficult to look at. I mean. Fuck. An asshole. And lippy lips? On a light?
I know, right?
Scary.