Today?
I have piles and piles of paper here on my desk. Notes on all sorts of things.
Jotted down bits of conversations.
Sorting through them today, and some of these scribbled bits of conversation?
Are unlikely to find a real home here on Pretty All True, but they still make me giggle.
So today?
Actual words that have been spoken by my husband.
Seriously.
1. As I am squeezing out of the car and pointing out that we have parked too close to the car on my side . . .
“Listen, we are between the lines and so the car fits. The movie starts in 15 minutes. What are the chances a large person needs to drive that car away in the next two hours?”
The chances? 100%
As it turned out.
2. As Mark and I are discussing Maj’s reluctance to take more responsibility for her belongings . . .
“We need to just stop doing these things for her. We need to just throw her in cold turkey.”
Wait . . . what?
3. As he is watching TV, annoyed that we have not DVR’d the show. He is forced to watch commercials . . .
“Oh my god! Have these ads for Extenz always been this long? Seems like they are longer than they used to be.”
Much mocking commenced.
4. As he tries to empathize with me about the difficulties I have in any sort of networking situation . . .
“Tell me about it! I have to do that shit all the time. Although, I am actually super-qualified at what I do. So it would be harder for you, I bet.”
What . . . the . . . fuck?
5. As he watches over my shoulder as I type flirty words into Twitter . . .
“If any of these invisible stalker people ever show up at our door? I am so letting them in so that I can watch you explain yourself.”
Ahem.
6. As he swings the car around so that an excited Maj can check out the beavers we just passed on the side of the road . . . his voice low . . .
“You realize she just said we are going on a beaver hunt, right? That we are beaver hunters? Do you think we should say anything to her about that?”
Ummm . . . . no, babe.
7. As we wander through the aisles of Harbor Freight Tools . . .
“I need another sawhorse. What’s her name broke one of mine.”
By “what’s her name,” he meant one of our two daughters.
Snort!
8. As he discusses breakfast with Maj, who is contemplating the horror of eating a scrambled egg . . .
“Maj, an egg doesn’t come out of a chicken’s butt. Sure, a little poop might get on the shell, but the egg does not come out of a chicken’s butt. Didn’t they talk to you about this at school? Where’s your mother, anyway?”
Hee hee!
9. As he drives our minivan through a school-zone at 15 miles per hour . . .
“Know what would be cool? If I got to drive on the Nuremburg Ring. That would be excellent.”
For those of you confused? There is a famous race track in Germany called the Nurburg Ring.
A Nuremburg Ring would be something altogether different.
Hysterical giggling from me.
10. As we head out of Costco the other day after refusing multiple requests from Kallan for treats from the snack bar area . . .
“Kallan, look! That little girl has a fruit smoothie! Her daddy must really love her.”
Snort!
Love that man.
Happy sighs at my good fortune.
Miss you, babe.
You are already losing your mind.
I will come and visit you in the asylum.
Where you can explain yourself to me.
I am all giddy over here.
Snort!
And you?
Have already been offered all of the explanations you require.
Ahem.
Your Mark is all kinds of awespmw. I’d go on a beaver hunt with you guys anytime.
He is awesome.
And the phrase Beaver Hunt? Oh my god, it makes me giggle hysterically.
Every time.
I am all mature.
Now that I am home and no longer at the mercy of my Droid, I can thank you kindly for knowing that “awespmw” was supposed to be “awesome” and for ignoring that my thumb typing has made me look like an idjit.
I watched in horror as the uploading bar slowly turned green, having noticed the, um, creative spelling the moment AFTER I hit the submit button (note to self: Re-read the damn thing before you hit submit!!!)
Hee hee!
I very rarely correct people’s typing errors.
Although I notice. I notice everything.
But because I notice everything?
If I were to start editing people’s comments?
I would never get anything done.
So I let them go.
And occasionally?
I mock.
Snort!
priceless!
Happy sighs.
Hee hee!
what’s her name?? Seriously? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Brilliant stuff, roaring with laughter.
I was following him around the store yelling at him . . .
What’s her name? We only have the two daughters, babe. Seriously?
And then I said . . .
I am so writing this down!
You kill me! Every single day, every single time with every single post. In one way or another… you kill me! Much love to you for writing this blog.
Love you, babe.
I am all giggling over here.
Love that I have killed you.
Love.
Mark is going to be so happy with you when he gets back!
Hee hee!
He read yesterday’s post on his iPhone last night.
He’ll read this one today.
He loves me.
Snort!
Forget Sh*t My Dad Says, your family needs a sitcom written about them. Seriously.
I would totally watch that show!
Ack!
We are not TV-ready.
We will need stand-ins of the lovely presentable sort.
I’m thinking less John and Kate and more Modern Family.
It would be faux reality. Your life could write the script. Guaranteed hit.
Yes . . . that I could do.
Now about those people with the offers and the buckets of money.
I will need their names.
Hee hee!
Please forward all inquiries from agents and other fabulous Hollywood folks to kris@prettyalltrue.com
I will be raking in the dough!
OMG. This saintly man takes The Dynamic Duo on the road so that you can enjoy some alone time, and what happens? A vicious, ad hominem attack. Oh, sure, there’s the obligatory “love that man” disclaimer @ the end, but the damage is done. Yet another example of how the once-proud American male has been reduced to a sniveling afterthought.
Then, when cloning is perfected, we’ll just wither away, a mere asterisk in women’s history. Tears. Many tears. snot, or snort or whatever.
HA!
Mark adores me.
Plus also?
I know what I can say. I know there are certain topics that are off-limits.
Like our recent discussion of the mysteries of “morning wood,” for example.
That was hilarious!
But I won’t mention it here.
Ahem.
Oops.
… and some ppl are attacked mercilessly for their difficulties in keeping secrets. Wow. The Viper strikes again. Grabbing crotch protectively.
The secrets I have to keep?
They are kept.
So shhhhhh . . . .
oh my GOD, number 5 is killing me! now i am definitely showing up with my tempeh reubens. and some tofu with special sauce. what do you have to explain?!?! I CAN’T WAIT.
maybe you’ve been a dude this whole time. is that it?
Snort!
Yes, that’s it.
I am a man.
Oh my god . . . how hilarious would that be?
My name is George.
Yes, that’s the ticket.
I’m dying here. Too funny. Had to read some of these to my husband. He got a good chuckle, too. Though I feel kinda bad for Kallan on that last one. Of course, I so would have done the same thing.
Usually, Mark tends to be on the girls’ side against me on little stuff like treats.
And then, sometimes?
He suddenly turns on them.
So funny.
#4…
he is so ADORABLY male.
I can so hear the tone of “I am so awesome” in his voice.
Well, you know what I mean. perhaps a flirty smile?
so BOYISH.
DELISH.
Mark is going to LOVE your comment.
Seriously.
Snort!
I write about my husband too. There’s a fine line, sometimes, between what is acceptable and not acceptable to share publicly. For example, I did mention once that we went mouse hunting (not quite as exciting as beaver hunting, but we work with what we have) together. What I did not mention was that later that night? He set traps in all the tiny spots that are hard to reach and the favorites of those little bastards. It may have been a successful venture had he actually baited the traps.
No cheese. No peanut butter. No nothing.
I guess he was thinking they might just run across the traps by chance or something.
I didn’t give him too much shit about it since his heart was in the right place and all… but oh my hell … I had to literally bite my lip not to laugh out loud.
There are always things that should be kept private. I’m confident that us wives know what’s right and what’s not, when it comes down to it. Mark’s words above? Hilarious, but in a way I feel like I’m laughing with him – not at him. Does that make sense?
I love Mark more than anything in this entire world.
Period.
I never write anything to hurt him.
Period.
And nothing here will hurt him. Mark has an amazing sense of humor, and nothing I write here on Pretty All True has ever given him pause.
Period.
I laugh with him, always.
I love that man.
Love you!
And I love you!
I told my husband I posted about the non-baited traps a couple hours ago. LOL. I can’t keep a secret from him to save my life.
Your very lucky to have such a strong relationship with your husband. It’s obvious you don’t take it for granted, either. Your love is very apparent and I think it’s beautiful.
Mark reads all of my posts.
I have no secrets from him.
Thanks, you.
I am very lucky.
Seriously, by now you’d think I would know not to drink…
With 3 water spewed all over the monitor again. But it’s ok… it needed to be cleaned anyway..
Ohmy he is hysterical isn’t he? Does he know what he says afterwords? Like as he is watching you snort and fall to the floor in tears as you are laughing so hard?
M
Often, Mark is intentionally funny.
And then sometimes?
He is just funny, and he doesn’t realize until I fall to floor in hysterical giggles that something is up.
The Extenz ads are longer than he remembers them being?
Oh my god.
Dying.
I almost spit water all over my computer-so funny. I’m dying. Ya know, there’s nothing tin the world sexier than a really good dad and a really great sense of humor…to have both…humm, perhaps I not have a touch of a crush. Just a tad-maybe.
Mark is all kinds of awesome.
He really really is.
He is a great dad.
He is solid and responsible and all grown-up.
And also funny as hell.
What a lovely life this has been so far.
This life with him.
haha! My favorite line was #7 “what’s her name”. I don’t find it hard to believe that a man in a tool store could forget his daughter’s name…they are just boys in an expensive toy shop.
Great post today! Thanks for the laugh, Kris.
Yes, Mark is all goofy in a tool store.
Goofy and boyish and silly.
Swoon!