The girls are driving me crazy this morning.
“Tell Maj to get out of the bathroom! I need to use the bathroom!”
To be sure that Maj understands the nature of her request, Kallan is standing outside of the bathroom and pounding on the door, “Maj, you can’t just hog the bathroom with your naked butt! Other people have things to do, you know! I need to get in there!”
From inside the bathroom, Maj answers, “Kallan, I am using the bathroom. My butt is all naked, and if you don’t shut up? I will naked-butt your hairbrush.”
As I come up the stairs, Kallan raises her arms and shrugs her shoulders at me in exaggerated incredulity, “Did you hear her, Mommy? What does that even mean?”
She turns back to the bathroom and pounds again, “If I come in there and I find out that my hairbrush has been naked-butted, you are going to pay!”
I head into my bathroom and yell back at Kallan, “Weren’t you already in the bathroom?”
“Yes, but I need a mirror.”
I sit down on the toilet and yell, “Well, come in here and use the mirror in this bathroom.”
“Fine,” and she stomps the short distance to my bathroom.
And then stops short, “Are you kidding me? You invite me in here, and you are peeing? That is disturbing, Mom. That is not what I need . . . half-naked Mom in the background as I check my hair. Dis . . . turb . . . ing.”
Snort!
And then there is Maj, “I am out of the bathroom now, Kallan. It’s all yours. My naked butt? Mostly well-behaved, just so you know. Mostly.”
Kallan is horrified, “MOMMY!”
Snort!
And then Kallan turns to Maj, “Mommy invited me to use the mirror in her bathroom while she was peeing. Can you believe that?”
Maj looks at me with raised eyebrows, “That is disgusting, Mother. Kallan doesn’t want to be in your personal space while you are peeing.”
And they both run off, and I yell after them, “I remember when it was hard to pee without peeing on your heads, you two were so far up my personal space!”
And then there is shrieking.
Hee hee!
Although, I also distinctly remember when I had to draw some lines in the personal space bathroom sand.
Someone asked me the other day if I remembered when I started having the girls use public bathrooms by themselves.
Oh yes. I remember.
I’ll leave the story of Maj for another day.
Here’s Kallan . . .
Three year old Kallan in a crowded public bathroom with me. In a bathroom stall with me. Kallan used the toilet. And then I sat down to pee.
And then Kallan edged toward the door of the stall. Unlocked the door.
“Kallan, lock that door! Do not open the door!”
She stared at me.
“Kallan! Do not open that door!”
And then? There was just a moment when I thought she might comply . . . but instead she went all sparkly with evil intent and flung the door open. Spread her arms out wide and in her best preschool circus announcer voice? Yelled this . . .
“And now? I present to you Mommy and the Naked Butt Peeing Show! Step right up and see my mom pee! Her butt? Is completely out! It’s the Naked Butt Pee-er Show!”
Snort!
Plus also?
Sigh.
And because she was Kallan? This didn’t happen just once, but perhaps ten different humiliating times. Each time? She would swear she was too frightened to use the bathroom by herself. And each time? I would relent.
And then each time? Her eyes would sparkle with evil, and the door would fling open on the Naked Butt Pee-er Show!
And one memorable time?
I was the Naked Butt Poo-er Show.
I was a big hit.
Back to this morning.
As the girls head out the door, Maj turns to me all crankily, “You’re not even dressed, Mother. You are still in your robe. We’re dressed . . . It’s not that hard, Mother. Putting clothes on in the morning is not that hard. You should try it sometime.”
Annoying.
I kiss Maj on the forehead, “But this way? When I want to naked-butt your belongings while you are gone? My naked butt? Is right here, baby. Right here,” And I pretend that I am about to unwrap my robe and show her my butt.
She runs terrified away from the house as Kallan giggles.
Kallan turns and races after her sister, but she yells back over her shoulder, “If you do naked-butt Maj’s stuff? Start with her hairbrush.”
Snort!
I can hear Maj’s screams as I shut the door.
Shut the door and gain . . .
Personal space.
A whole house of it.
Love that.
I have a 14 year old boy.
Said boy will lock the door, put a chair in front of it, and scream like he is being murdered with a chain-saw if I so much as knock on his door while he is changing.
“I’M CHANGING!!!!” He screams while the chainsaws come closer.
“Your bus pass is on the counter,” I call through the door.
“DON’T COME IN!!” Clearly he is losing an arm.
“I don’t NEED to come in, I’m just telling you where your bus pass is.”
“I’M NOT DRESSED!” Blood loss hysteria has clearly set in.
“I AM NOT COMING INTO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!”
Cause by that point the chainsaws are coming for me too.
Geez, Lori!
Give the boy some space!
You are all up in his business!
Snort!
Murdered with a chainsaw . . . so funny.
love this story…the whole world is pressing at his door…
I know, right?
Lori is way funny, by the way.
In your spare time?
Of which I know you have none.
You should check her out.
I think I will also check Lori out, because my 12 year old does that, too. In fact, I have heard him throw his body against the locked door when someone knocks… just in case one of us has a plan to try to break the door down so we can see him unclothed.
Very funny – but again, so embarrassing! – post about your girls, Kris :)
Look through her posts for the ones in which she draws illustrations.
Love those.
Love.
My husband? Still locks the door. He is paranoid that someone will walk in on him. He locks it even when we are the only two people in the house and I promise not to walk in on him. Boys are so weird.
Agreed.
Boys are weird.
The end.
Now I’m all a-blush.
But in a *really* funny way.
Totally. I turn the color of an overripe beet.
See how hot I am?
Way hot.
Way hot, babe.
Swoon!
PS – Illustration alert for tomorrow, but I’m torn between Pumpkin Smackdown and Pirate Raccoons.
Ooooh . . . I vote for the pirate raccoons!
Um … I don’t know a lot of things, but I think that maybe – just maybe – with 12 and 14 yr. old boys? I’d give them all the space they want. God forbid you walk in on what it is that 12 and 14 yr. old boys do in their “alone time”. In case that isn’t spelled out clearly enough (because I have a tendency to be vague) – I am talking about M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N.
I just realized that I also have a son. And he will also be 12 and 14 yrs. old someday in the not so distant future.
Crap.
Surely this thought has occurred to Lori, right?
Right, Lori?
Laughing my ass off over here. HAHhaahahahaa. Course mine isn’t all nekkid.
Naked Butt Poo-er Show…that is so awesome. Yet so wrong. Three year olds are frightening. I am not sure I’m going to let my youngest turn three. He can just stay two forever.
Three year olds are frightening.
But Kallan has not gotten less frightening with the passage of time.
Not even.
Ack!
I don’t know when I’ve EVER peed by myself. Certainly not in my dorm in college…or once I got married. Bratchild still comes and chats with me when I’m using the bathroom. And if she doesn’t, the dog does. Or the hubs.
Yes, motherhood has required that I release my need for bathroom privacy.
I think it is so hilarious that the girls now behave as though I am asking them to come see me naked.
For this first 11 years of motherhood?
Every time I sit on the toilet, there is a girl with a request or a question or a problem.
Every time.
Goofballs.
and can I further comment about no privacy in the bathroom as mothers?
dont make COMMENTS on my body if you INSIST on limiting my privacy by coming in the bathroom when I am using it. do not make a horrified face about bras or random body hair.
again YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE IN HERE WHILE I AM IN HERE!!!
grumble…
Don’t even get me started on that.
I have gotten those comments from my daughters. Those less than complimentary comments.
And I always say, as I twirl around to give them a better view . . .
Welcome to your future, baby! Welcome to your future.
Hee hee!
And THIS is why you are Boss, Queen and Empress.
Holy crap you’re good.
Thank you, minion of mine.
Snort!
We live in a 1930s house and for the first four years of the kids’ lives; one bathroom for all five of us. And it didn’t have a latch because in the midst of potty training and babies screaming when you left their site… it just wasn’t worth it to have privacy.
My five year old has learned way early about things like glow in the dark tampons!
When can you send the older child to a public restroom with the younger child? Mine are 6 and 4 years, and I still go with them unless I can see the entire walk to the restroom and the door.
Ack.
Potty-training?
We were all over one another in the bathroom. Except not Mark . . . he was not big on sharing bathroom space with the girls.
At all.
If your older daughter is like Maj? Crazy responsible and bossy as hell? Then 6 and 4 works fine for letting them go to the bathroom together. That’s when I started letting them go together without me.
Although I would then watch the path of their planned return trip like a hawk until they reappeared.
And I did like to be able to see the whole route.
That’s a hard one.
Depends on your kids.
Wait!
Why would you need your tampons to glow in the dark?
Hold on . . .
OK, that is just all kinds of wrong.
No.
Yes, indeed… my oldest is bossy beyond belief. I think it comes with the territory of being the first born!
They were actually glow sticks, like one would carry at Halloween. I am still not sure why they were for sale in the bathroom machine at a movie theater!
I am very glad to hear that the day comes that sharing the bathroom is frowned upon! Mine still see no reason why I should take a shower without peeping eyes or go potty in peace. *sigh*
Happy sighs that those are not real.
That was freaking me out.
Yikes!
kallan is awesome! another priceless kallan performance. so far frances has kept the door closed, but the day is coming…she is always touching the lock and looking back at me over her shoulder…now? now? now can i open it?
I can soooo imagine Frances flinging the door open on you and presenting the Naked Butt Pee-er Show.
Although this behavior would clearly be Kitty’s fault.
Hee hee!
My kids are not potty trained yet but I have to take them with me to public restrooms. I had to master the art of peeing while holding my 10-months old in my arms and trying to prevent my 2.5 year old from touching/unraveling/smearing/drinking. I recently re-watched “Bill Crosby Himself” and OMG how much I can relate to everything he says about having children!!
Yes, I remember those days fondly.
Not.
You mean my Mom was lying when she said I’d miss those days?? SHOCKER!! My mom was wrong, again. :) Kris, can you be my mom, that way I can actually believe what you say. I only require a little bit of maintenance like Christmas Presents, a card for my bday, an actual care in the world regarding my child..you know the easy stuff.
I am happy to play pretend-mom to you, babe.
Is your room clean?
Maj shocked me this time!! She sounded more like Kallan with the naked butt jokes. Love your girls.
Maj has been trying to fight fire with fire lately.
Doesn’t really work, though.
Kallan knows Maj is bluffing.
Kallan doesn’t bluff.
If Kallan tells you that she has rubbed your hairbrush on her butt?
You need to boil that brush.
Snort!
I love the Naked Butt Pee-er Show. So very true. Darling Girl recently figured out how to unlock the public bathroom stall doors. She will walk over while I’m peeing and start to touch the lock. Then she grins at me while I go, “No! Don’t unlock that!” then she flings the door open. I can’t wait until she starts being able to announce it to everyone. Sigh…
I believe in my heart that I will never pee alone again for the rest of my days.
My current form of entertainment is to get DG to knock on the bathroom door while husband is in there. Then she yells, “Daddy! You in there? Heeeeeeeyyyyy, Daddy! In there?” It’s awesome. I’m sure he’ll get me back for it some day. It will be great while it lasts though. It’s my revenge for not being able to pee alone!
Snort!
I also love when my daughters walk aimlessly through the house . . . Mommy? Mommy? Mom? Mother? Mother? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mother? Mother? Mom? Mommy?
Oh my god! I’m in the bathroom! What do you want?
We just wanted to know where you were.
Augh.
Can I just say?
Sparkly with evil intent.
Dead on, sister.
I have seen that sparkle.
I have a very healthy respect for that sparkle.
Oh, hell. Sometimes I even have that sparkle.
Sigh.
I see that sparkle a lot over here.
Plus also?
Sometimes I sparkle too.
Hee hee!
Sparkly with evil intent IS the best line…
love.
Thank you!
Kallan does sparkle.
Love that girl.
LOL!!! Naked Butt Pee-er Show!!! LOL!! That is just hilarious and mostly because it didn’t happen to me!
Every time I read something on your blog I always smile and laugh. Thank you for sharing it all with us!
Thanks, you!
Thank you very much!
Lady?
your girls are so funny.
But again, I am horrified of my future.
If sassiness be hereditary, I will be getting it all back. ten fold.
and my oldest already does this particular trick. what is it? they need the door closed to pee but we do not? in what world does that make any sense?
love the laughs you give…
thanks
Sassiness does indeed appear to be hereditary.
You are doomed.
As for the logic of children?
No explanation.
No point in looking for one either.
That’s a Repo Man quote, by the way.
Love Repo Man.
and also?
“she went all sparkly with evil intent”
fabulous image…
happily doomed, arent we all?
ha!
Yes . . . We are doomed.
Delightful sparkly doom.
Yay!
Sigh.
I can relate, mostly. No Naked Butt Pee-er Shows yet, she still has a healthy fear of public bathrooms… But the lack of personal space? I hear you. My youngest, who is 10 months? Absolutely loves to head-butt my croch as though she is hell bent on climbing back in denim & panty barrier be damned! How’s that for lack of personal space? Oh and of course: when I try to tell my 3 yr-old that she is not welcome in the bathroom because Mommy is going potty she just says: “But Mommy, I want to see you poo.” Naturally.
Motherhood is grand.
Oh my god . . . I will write sometime of the glorious moment in which it became clear to me that Maj needed to be in a separate bathroom stall.
Motherhood is indeed grand.
She just wanted to see you poo.
Duh.
The irony? This is the girl who is on manic poo watch come bath time, but is OBSESSED with watching other people poo. Will, infact, run long distances to check the contents of her sis’s nasty diaper.
So weird.
Also? Would love to hear the Maj-is-banished-to-her-own-stall story. I can only imagine the drama that led to that epic decision.
That is hilarious!
Weird, but hilarious!
And I will tell the Maj story sometime.
Nothing to do with poo, though.
But funny.
I have no words. only laughter. too funny!
Laughing?
That’s plenty of noise!
Thank you!
I am going to add naked butting somebody’s hairbrush to my list of life musts.
Yes!
A bucket list of inappropriate behavior!
I need one of these lists!
I am SO glad my kids never did this to me.
As for public restrooms, I think I worried until they were teens. Heck, who am I kidding? I still worry. Not so much about bathrooms, but driving and stuff. Sigh. It never ends.
I know . . . the worrying is constant.
And I keep having to let things happen despite my worry.
The past two days?
The girls have walked to school with their friends.
ACK!
But it was time.
Deep breaths.
It never ends.